The Celibacy Conundrum

I do not like love-bites. I get that they are results of passion, teasing and messing around with someone but there really is nothing “love”ly about them in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I get incredibly turned on if a guy kisses and caresses and yes, nips my neck a little bit, but full on biting and marking me?? Not so much. It’s almost like he is marking his territory! I hate the idea of then having to hide and lie about an ugly mark on my neck that isn’t fooling anyone. There are even tips out there that will tell you how to fake a love-bite on yourself using a bottle…WHAT THE HELL?? WHY??

I’ve had my fair share of “hickeys” or “love-bites”. If you look closely at my Year 11 prom photos, you can see green marks all over one of my shoulders. Very unflattering. A couple of days before, my ex and I had been at a party and gotten fairly drunk and he went a little overboard on the affection scale! I think I told my mum I’d walked into a door…multiple times. The worst part was the following morning when I went in the shower, started putting on shower gel and realised that my right nipple felt sore. I looked down and honestly had to stifle a scream. My nipple was black and purple. It was horrendous. Thankfully, nipples are not exactly exposed very often so it was easy to cover but I was very unimpressed. My ex found it hilarious. Apart from this experience, I have never really suffered any aftermath pain from hickeys. The only time I have, was a recent experience with the worst hickeys I have ever had the misfortune of acquiring in my life.

I had a typical “single girl” dilemma about a month ago when it came to attending my cousin’s wedding. I dreaded it, knowing I was going to be the only young, single person in my family surrounded by a lot of people I wouldn’t know. When I arrived late on the Friday night, I joined my family in the bar and met one of my cousin’s friends who was going to be an usher at the ceremony. I’ll admit, I wasn’t entirely sure if I found him attractive or not but he was nice company. After being given a few free double gin and tonics from my uncle, I obviously decided that I would try and be a bit flirty and show a bit more skin. I genuinely pushed down the top of my jeans so my tattoo was just visible on my hip. Because I am of course, very mysterious and there is more to me that meets the eye…according to drunk me (#cringe)! Anyway, throughout the following day we spent more time with each other surrounded by my family and wedding guests and I came to the conclusion he probably wasn’t interested. I wasn’t really fussed. It’s not like I was thinking anything would happen with anyone. I didn’t exactly set any expectations. So when I was dragged onto the dancefloor by him, twirled around and pulled close to him, I was a little bit taken aback. I’d watched him dance with other girls, taking selfies with them etc. and just thought it was a no go. Turns out I was wrong. After dancing together for a little while, he spun me around again and drew me against him so my back was against his chest. I cannot remember if I am making this up but I swear he kissed the top of my head. He then whispered in my ear about going for a walk together. We wandered to a secluded spot and he took my face in his hands and kissed me (ahhh romantic…I was bloody freezing!!!) This kiss became more heated and my hands started exploring under his shirt and his ran up and down my back and into my hair. Eventually we stopped, got our breath back and agreed to meet at his hotel room in a few minutes. I was naked within seconds of stepping into through the door. It was like a magic trick, helped by the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra, thanks to a stupidly tight dress around the bust. Once the dress was off, it was just tights and pants. Easy peasy. Undressing him on the other hand, took a little longer. I wasn’t bothered though. I love seeing guys in full dress suits for weddings with waistcoats etc. This guy did look good! There are just so many damn buttons to undo. Think I ended up pulling the shirt over his head! Foreplay didn’t exist. He just climbed on top me and that was that. Have to admit, it wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had but it was still fun. He didn’t fucking listen to me though so I didn’t get a great deal of satisfaction. I still made a fair amount of noise though. Got some dirty looks from the elderly couples leaving their rooms next door to ours the following morning…my bad!

It got to about 4am and I woke up to go to the bathroom. I turned on the light, looked up, saw my reflection in the mirror and took a sharp intake of breath in sheer horror. Both sides of my neck from my jawline to my collarbone were coated in black bruises. They almost met in the sodding middle like the letter H! I was fucking fuming and, typical situation when it comes to pain, when you see the injury, it started to hurt. I nearly hit the roof. I was stone cold sober, staring at my mutilated neck, panicking about how the hell I was going to hide the marks from my family at breakfast. What made matters worse was that the guy didn’t really seem to quite understand why I was so angry. I HAVE A JOB TO GO TO AND SOME DIGNITY FUNNILY ENOUGH! After managing to calm down and get a few hours sleep, I then encountered, for the first time in my life, the walk of shame. Or in my case, the “freakin’ leg it” run of shame! Nobody saw me, thank god! Once in my room, I threw myself in the shower then frantically googled “How to get rid of a hickey”. I tried pretty much everything I had the power to try in the space of half an hour. I tried putting something cold on my neck to reduce circulation and then, when that didn’t work, I tried something warm to boost circulation to push away any clotted blood causing discolouration. That didn’t work either! There are some crazy ideas out there but in my head they were worth a go! For example:

Use a toothbrush.

54health.com explains: “Brush the hickey and the area around it using a stiff-bristled toothbrush or a comb. Brushing the affected area helps to stimulate blood circulation… Depending on the severity of your hickey, this method may work at the first attempt or just cause the discoloration to spread a little. If you are lucky, it will help you get rid of a hickey fast.” I wasn’t lucky! I think this actually made it worse!

Use of a coin

theorganicbeautyexpert.com describes that “The coin here is used like a scraper whereby the skin affected is stretched by two fingers. The coin is then used to scrape away from the centre of the hickey outwards. The idea is to break down the blood clot on the area and to spread it to other surrounding tissues around it. This eases the re-absorption of the clot into the blood stream.” I tried this and it hurt too much so I had to stop.

I later found more weird and wonderful suggestions, like finding a lipstick lid or pen lid and pushing it onto the hickey and twisting it to try and disperse the clots. I found the coin technique too painful so I will not be trying this in future. One website even suggests cutting up a potato and holding a piece against your hickey for 20 minutes before changing pieces!!?! Apparently potatoes appear to be well known for their curing powers? Hmmm. Not sure I want to walk around holding a potato against my neck. The same website even suggests apply diluted iodine to the bruised area. Yes, because I have an unlimited supply of iodine lying around!? Ridiculous.

I’ve never applied so much make up to my neck before. I think I managed to get away with it in front of my family at breakfast and during the week at work. The marks lasted for 4 days and really hurt. It doesn’t help that my skin is so stupidly fair that I’m almost translucent and I bruise if I get hit by a feather! Ok, that’s an exaggeration but in the words of Natasha Bedingfield “I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me!” Not a fun experience!

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