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Beetle Juice (1988)
Michael Keaton: Betelgeuse
Photos
Quotes
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Adam : What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice : Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?
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Beetlejuice : [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fuckin’ model!
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[why he can’t tell Lydia his name]
Beetlejuice : Because if I tell you, you’ll tell your friends, your friends are callin’ me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.
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Beetlejuice : Go ahead, make my millennium.
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Lydia : Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice : Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia : Of course they’re dead. They’re ghosts.
Beetlejuice : No, I mean they’re gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased…
Lydia : Are you a ghost, too?
Beetlejuice : I’m a ghost with the most, babe.
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Beetlejuice : [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember…
[sings and hops back and forth]
Beetlejuice : I’ll eat anything you want me to eat. I’ll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I’ll… chew on a dog! Arroooo!
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Beetlejuice : Let’s turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
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Beetlejuice : Attention K-Mart shoppers.
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Beetlejuice : [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I’m tellin’ ya, honey, she meant nothin’ to me. Nothin’ at all!
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Beetlejuice : [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How are ya’ ?
Lydia : [Gasps] Ah, B-Beetle!
Beetlejuice : Yes! Now for part two…
Lydia : [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle… Breakfast… Orange… Liquid… Beetle Juice?
Beetlejuice : Yes! You said it!
Lydia : Your name’s “Beetle Juice”?
Beetlejuice : You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!
Lydia : It was you.
Beetlejuice : Me?
Lydia : The snake.
Beetlejuice : No, what snake? You kids and your imaginations… Look, just say it!
Lydia : No… I want to talk to Barbara.
Beetlejuice : No, you don’t need to talk to Barbara. JUST SAY IT!
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Beetlejuice : [after Lydia says his name three times] It’s showtime!
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Preacher : And you, do you, Lydia, take this man…?
Lydia : [Interrupting] No! Beetle…
Beetlejuice : [covers Lydia’s mouth with his hand] She’s a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
[speaks in Lydia’s voice]
Beetlejuice : I’m Lydia Deetz and I’m of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I’m answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
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Beetlejuice : I’m feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It’s been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action…
[a brothel appears]
Beetlejuice : [dances with joy] Hey, Adam, nice move!
Barbara : Adam, why did you build that?
Adam : I didn’t!
[Adam and Barbara appear at Juno’s office]
Juno : The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!
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Beetlejuice : These aren’t my rules. Come to think of it, I don’t have any rules.
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Preacher : Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
Beetlejuice : [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don’t know. I mean, it’s kind of a big decision isn’t it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
Beetlejuice : Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
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[last lines]
[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor who is next in line]
Beetlejuice : Pardon me. Did you do that?
[points to an explorer with a shrunken head]
Beetlejuice : That’s very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma…? Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
Beetlejuice : Well, looks like I’m next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they’ve been after me for months. Doin’ some underwear deal. I don’t know what…
[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse’s head which starts it shrinking]
Beetlejuice : [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you’re messing up my hair! C’mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
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Beetlejuice : [as Otho tries to escape] Not so fast, round boy. We’re gonna have some laughs!
[he dresses Otho up in horrible, conventional clothes]
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Adam : Can you be scary?
Beetlejuice : Oh, thanks for asking
[turns around, imitates jerking-off]
Beetlejuice : . Can I be scary? What do you think of this?
[makes a horrific image we don’t see]
Beetlejuice : You like it?
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Beetlejuice : [as a snake] We’ve come for your daughter, Chuck.
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Beetlejuice : I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara : Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice : There. There ya go.
Adam : You don’t have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice : Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara : [In Betelgeuse’s voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
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Beetlejuice : I’m just doin’ my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it’s OK. You know why? I don’t wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe’s daughter. I think she understands me.
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Beetlejuice : You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing… it’s just too creepy. See, here’s my problem. I got these friends I said I’d meet, and it’s the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?
Lydia : I want to get in.
Beetlejuice : Why?… You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can’t do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.
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Beetlejuice : Let’s see, business section.
[he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper]
Beetlejuice : Ooh la la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
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Beetlejuice : *That* is why I won’t do two shows a night anymore, babe, I won’t.
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[Head spins wildly and begins shrieking]
Beetlejuice : Don’t you hate it when that happens?
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Beetlejuice : [to Charles and Delia] Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you’re welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry’s on me, dad.
[gives Charles a handful of snakes]
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[a fly appears in the Maitland home, it flies onto the model of the town, then lands near the graveyard area]
Beetlejuice : [pops out of a crack] Hey! Hey, you! Hey, come here!
[fly stops, looks Betelgeuse’s direction while the hands hold up a Zagnut candy bar]
Beetlejuice : Got something good for ya… Here, boy. Wanna come on over? Have a bite?Want something to nosh?
[enticed by the bar, the fly comes closer, quite hesitant…]
Beetlejuice : [laughs] Come here!
[grabs the fly and pulls him into the crack, throws the Zagnut aside]
The Fly : Help me! Help me! Help meeeee!
[a burp is heard]
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Beetlejuice : You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
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Beetlejuice : Oh, yeah. Here I am come, baby.
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Beetlejuice : [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times] No, you don’t need to talk to Barbara. Just SAY IT!
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