How to Tell if Your Best Friend is Lesbian

In most cases, someone’s gender is their own business. Trying to “identify” just to satisfy your curiosity is unethical, and will even put your friend at risk of harassment. However, if the person has a crush on you or vice versa, you need to make it clear. Instead of trying to answer the question about the person’s character, you should clearly define your goal. Are you trying to defuse the situation and maintain the friendship? Or do you want to turn this friendship into some other kind of deeper affection? Either way, it requires careful handling to avoid ruining the friendship.

Table of Contents

Unravel the feelings that may arise

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Respect the person’s right to privacy. Your best friend’s gender is their own business. However, if she might be interested in you, you can defuse the situation and save the friendship. If this is your goal, you should reframe your thinking. You don’t need the friend to confess; you just need to go back to simple friendship.

Never let anyone know you think your friend is gay. No matter how progressive your school or city is, someone could bully or harass her because of this rumor (even if it’s not true).

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Look for signs. You don’t have to be 100% sure before doing something. You will probably continue to doubt or speculate about that person until you clear the heavy atmosphere. However, if you are hesitant or doubt yourself, you can check for the following signs of potential attraction:

Physical touching is common in female friendships, but only to an extent. If your friend holds your hand while walking down the street, gives you a massage, or hugs you for an unusually long time, she may have a secret crush on you. (Cultural boundaries will vary, so these examples won’t apply everywhere.)
She contacts you often, and gets annoyed if you don’t respond quickly.
She gets angry if you spend time with other friends instead of with her.

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Gently decline. There are ways to defuse the situation without prying into her personal life. During a private conversation, you should make it clear that you are not interested without embarrassing your friend. Here are a few suggestions you can offer (but only use them if they are true):

“I really want you to be my good friend forever. Can we continue like this?”
“I want to find a guy to date”.
“I want the two of us to spend more time with other friends instead of just each other. Do you mind?”

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Clarifying signs of misunderstanding. If you’ve hugged, kissed, or done anything else that could be misleading with your best friend, you should stop and think about why you’re doing it. If you really don’t want to date that person, this behavior will hurt her. Set new boundaries for your relationship, even if she tries to argue with you.

You could say, “I think we should stop (hug/sleep together/etc). I don’t want you to misunderstand”.

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Deal with her directly. If your friend isn’t responding well to the change in relationship, you need to bring up this difficult issue. For example, if the person is jealous of the person you date or other friends, or if she gets angry every time you don’t spend time with her, she may have feelings for you. At this point, a private, intimate conversation will be the only way forward.

Ask if she has feelings for you. Don’t force her to respond or argue with her answers.
No matter how she responds, you should let her know that you’re not romantically involved with her.
If you’re not gay, you can let her know. If you’re gay, or unsure, it’s best not to share this in the same conversation.
If she’s angry or scared because you mentioned her gender, you should use de-escalating statements like “We don’t have to talk about it,” or “Don’t worry, this is a private matter.” yours, I just want you to open your heart.” Just make sure you cover the important part: that you don’t have feelings for her.

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Away from each other for a period of time. If your friend has feelings for you, she’ll be a little heartbroken. You should offer to temporarily stop seeing each other while the two of you work on solving the problem. The two of you should not contact each other for at least two weeks. When both of you feel ready, work your way back into the friendship with short, low-pressure encounters, like a 30-minute lunch in a public place. Make it clear that you are still her friend, and that you want to maintain the friendship.

If the person is questioning her sexuality, this will be a difficult time for her. You should let her know that there are LGBT resources and hotlines that she can find online to help herself. (Or if she clearly has feelings for you but won’t admit that she’s gay, you can let her know that there are resources “dedicated to what she’s going through.” “.)

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Sympathy. Gay people’s mental and physical health will improve with a strong support system and acceptance. ^{[1] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source} Just as when your friend respects your gender, you should respect her as well. If she’s a good friend, and you can ignore any attraction (if any), your friendship doesn’t need to change. Support her, be an ally, and respect her for who she is.

If she’s dealing with her gender negativity, you can still support her. Introduce her to other lesbians, ask her to seek help from a therapist, encourage positive self-awareness, and encourage her to embrace her sexuality as a part in her character; All of which can help bring about positive results. ^{[2] X Research Source}

Determine your feelings for that friend

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Define your goal. If you’re a woman and you secretly have a crush on your best friend, it’s normal for you to wonder if you have a chance. Before you start asking the main question, though, you should ask yourself about your goals:

Attraction often gets in the way of friendships, and it won’t go away if you know your friend isn’t gay. Sometimes, being clear about it is what you need to do, no matter how the person feels.
On the other hand, if the two of you don’t feel the same way (and often do), the friendship may end. If this is going to destroy you, and you don’t have a support system in place to help yourself (especially if you haven’t come out yet) then it’s not a good idea to continue. You should stay away from the person for at least a couple of weeks instead of trying, and defuse the situation and continue the friendship to a lesser extent.
If you are unsure of your gender, or if you are not gay but have feelings for your friend, you should focus on yourself instead of her. Search for LGBT resources online or at an LGBT community center to help you define your identity.

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Acknowledge the person’s gender cues. Desire thinking will cloud your judgment when it comes to love. If your friend has dated men in the past or told you about a guy she’s interested in, she’s probably not gay.

There’s no clear indication that someone is a lesbian, especially if she hasn’t come out yet. It won’t be possible to try to analyze the person in this way, especially when charisma is clouding your judgment.
If the person is attracted to you, she may take the initiative in physical contact (for example, a long hug) or ask you frequently. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to distinguish this from intimate female friendships, especially if she’s responding to your own personal craving for intimate interaction.

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Chat with another soul mate. If possible, talk to a friend you trust about the situation (preferably someone you can come out with or have already done). That person will have an unbiased view of whether your friend is interested in you, and will help you get over your feelings. You should only proceed if you determine that this is a matter of sufficient importance for you to risk your friendship.

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Discover her comfort level on the LGBTQ subject. Before you let your friend know, it’s a good idea to learn a little bit about her views on gay and lesbian relationships. How does she react to same-sex couples in fantasy and in real life? Does she support gay rights? Even if she seems to accept it, she is not necessarily lesbian – but it will make it easier for you to take the next step. If she reacts to the topic with disgust, you shouldn’t continue the conversation.

One way to address this is to mention that you are planning to attend the Gay and Heterosexual Alliance event, and it will only “reject” you as a heterosexual ally.
Some adults in a homophobic environment will express a negative view of homosexuality even if they appear to be attracted to people of the same sex. If your friend seems conservative on the subject or is sending confusing signals, it may take her longer to determine her gender. This is not something you can do for her.

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Open up about your gender to that friend. If you are comfortable with your gender and identity, and your friend is an LGBT ally (or at least not against them), the next step is to let that person know that you are not heterosexual. affection.

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Briefly describe your feelings. This will be a moment of success or failure, and while sad, the response is rarely what you want. But you can’t move forward without unloading, don’t reveal all secrets to that person. Let her know what’s going on, but do it in a way that doesn’t put a lot of pressure on her or your friendship. This process is pretty personal for your friendship or for the story you both have, but here are a few examples to get started:

“I think you’re very charming, but maintaining friendships is the most important thing to me.”
“I have feelings for you. I just need a moment to stop thinking about it.”
(jokingly) “I wish I could find a nice lover like you!”

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Let her decide. Your friend now knows exactly what you need her to know. Maybe she’s still not ready to talk about her own sexuality or how she feels about your feelings. Asking questions directly won’t help: if she feels the same way as you do, she’ll let you know. End the conversation and give her time to process what she heard. The two of you will need to be apart for a while to calm the atmosphere.

Advice

If a friend openly declares their gender identity to you, you can be supportive without major changes in the friendship. Her identity doesn’t affect your identity, or make you and your group of friends gay activists. You can show your support with a simple statement like “I think you two are a great match”, or “You look so much happier lately”, or “I have never seen you feel Be comfortable with yourself like this.”
Remember that sexual orientation is part of personal identity. Your friend doesn’t aspire to change his disposition as much as you do. If she tells you about her sexual orientation, don’t doubt or question her, but you need to respect how she wants to be identified. A positive response will help her sense of well-being and personal growth. ^{[3] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}
If she’s gay, don’t assume she’s attracted to every woman. Thinking like this is foolish; She has her own hobby just like everyone else. Don’t start acting weird about something that’s absolutely none of your business, as it could ruin the friendship you already have.
Avoid hate speech or offensive language. It’s pretty straightforward to mention her gender candidly without offending her. The phrase “lesbian” is a pretty good choice.

Warning

Do not try to question or change the person’s disposition. “Conversion therapy” will not work and can cause serious emotional harm, including an increased risk of suicide. ^{[4] X Sources of Research} Non-heterosexuals are not mentally ill or have phobias about expected gender or sexual roles.
Don’t rely on conventional stereotypes to determine her gender. Humans do not follow a particular pattern. Supporting that friend’s identity and relationships is important to maintaining her mental health. Avoid causing unnecessary stress or difficulties for people who are suffering from various forms of pressure in society.
Avoid revealing other people’s true gender. This is the private affair of that friend, who knows his sexual preferences well. Publicly identifying someone as gay can often be quite dangerous, even in a free zone in a school. ^{[5] X Research Sources} Publicly disclosing one’s gender is often accompanied by negative professional or social complications, and you are not the one to impose them on your friends. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Steps

Unravel the feelings that may arise

Determine your feelings for that friend

Advice

Warning

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