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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 10 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,741 times.
Sometimes the actions of others can hurt you. If a guy hurts you, you may be struggling with how to tell him how you feel. You can make that happen by spending time thinking about your distress and deciding to express your feelings. Then, plan to have a chat together. Follow a few key strategies to keep moving forward and reduce your vulnerability later.
Steps
Decide how to act
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Take the time to try to understand your feelings. Before you rush to confront the guy who hurt you, consider the situation that happened and how you feel about it. Has a similar situation ever happened? Are you overreacting? Take some time to reflect on the situation and your feelings.
- It will be more effective if you keep a journal or freelance. Set a time of about 10 minutes and jot down what comes to mind about the situation.
- While it’s wise to delay until you get your emotions under control, it shouldn’t be so long that the other person remembers the offending situation. [1] X Research Source
- Regular journaling can help uncover vague problems in your relationship.
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Consider his attitude. Take some time to think about his attitude and why he’s behaving the way he does. Sometimes people intentionally or unintentionally hurt you. They can be impacted by life’s stresses, so take some time to think about what your guy is facing. [2] X Research Source
- Considering his attitude doesn’t mean it’s an excuse for his behavior. This is simply to help you understand the situation as fully as possible.
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Pay attention to your own emotional needs. If you feel hurt right now, take the time to ease the pain first. In doing so, you will remain calm and clear-headed when interacting with him. Therefore, practice taking care of yourself. [3] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- This could include relaxing in the bath, enjoying nutritious food, journaling, spending time with friends, or simply lounging comfortably on the sofa at night.
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See more reviews. If you want to separate and forget the hurt, ask a few trusted close friends or loved ones for advice. Tell them what happened. Then listen to their advice. [4] X Research Sources
- How do they view the situation? Do they have the same reaction as you? They can help you confirm whether you are being offended, or help you look at things in a new light.
- Consult with people who are not biased or opposed to the guy who is hurting you.
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Reasonable expectations for his reaction. Think about how he would react when you say he hurt you. You can use previous scenarios to determine which is most likely. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, does he often play the role of the victim or deny that he pushes you to hurt you? Did he say sorry but not sincerely? Use what you know to set reasonable expectations for the upcoming confrontation.
- It’s really helpful to think about what you expect to get out of the confrontation. How you approach the conversation can change if you’re expecting an apology and a change in behavior. Set reasonable expectations about the outcome you want.
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Determine if the effort is worth it. Consider what you expect to get from the interactive talk, and then compare how you expect the person to react. Do you feel satisfied after confronting him or not? Does sharing your feelings with him really help, or are those feelings completely suppressed?
- Whether the effort is worth it depends on how important the relationship is to you. If the person who hurt you is a spouse, friend, or loved one, hiding your feelings is impossible. And if it’s just a casual acquaintance, instead of confronting him, just separate yourself from him later. [6] X Research Source
Chat
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Make a list. List the things you want to say. Write down situations in which you were hurt as well as specific examples. When you’re in the middle of an argument or have a sudden adrenaline rush due to extreme stress, you’ll have trouble remembering things, or may go off track or lose focus. The list will save you.
- It can be extremely helpful to tell him what you need or want to move forward.
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Practice yourself first. Rehearse what you will say in advance. You can write and read these aloud in front of a mirror. Or you could have a friend, who gave you advice, to practice dialogue with you. [7] X Research Sources
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Honest and forthright. When dealing with the person, show a firm and honest attitude. Don’t try to downplay the painful truth of how he made you feel. Of course, there’s no point in rounding up – let’s get to the heart of the matter.
- For example, you could say, “I was really upset when you forgot my birthday last week. It makes me feel like I’m nothing to you.”
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Keep your voice soft and steady. You don’t want to be impressed by an overly exaggerated or emotional tone. It’s going to be hard to get people serious with this tone. Instead, stay calm and the discussion will become easier. [8] X Research Sources
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Use a sentence whose subject is “I/You”. To have effective dialogue with others, you don’t want to put your listeners on the defensive. Do this by changing your language, allowing you to share your feelings without blaming others. Sayings that start with “I/You” can help you do just that. [9] X Research Source
- This expression allows you to control your emotions: “I was really upset when you forgot my birthday last week.”
- On the other hand, saying “I” is more likely to make others feel attacked: “I don’t care about you at all! It’s your birthday that I forgot!”
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Use specific examples. Don’t talk about him hurting you in general. This makes it difficult for people to understand and empathize with you, especially when they’ve also been offended. Instead, use concrete examples.
- For example, instead of saying, “I always let you solve your problems on your own,” say, “I’m not happy that you left me alone and let me deal with Binh this morning. You did the same thing. same thing last week.”
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Give him a chance to explain. Once you’ve expressed how you feel about the situation, give him a chance to respond. Allow him to clearly explain his attitude, even if you disagree. [10] X Research Source
- Practice active listening, which means trying to understand what the other person is saying. What he says at this point will give insight into how you want to move forward.
- For example, he will say sorry and ask you for your opinion on how he can improve his behavior in the future. Or he may defend himself by offering a busy or stressful schedule as an excuse for him to forget your birthday.
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Ask him to make amends. If you want to continue the relationship, you can express your desire for a change from him. Tell him, in as much detail as possible, what he should do to settle the matter and what you need from him to move forward. [11] X Research Source
- For example, you could say, “Every special event means something to me and I want you to respect that. From now on, I’d really appreciate it if you could save important birthdays and anniversaries in your calendar so you don’t forget them.”
- This is actually more effective than complaining about your feelings. Give examples of what you want him to do and how to do it.
Forward
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Be aware of your role in the situation. The wise approach to any conflict or hurt is to figure out how to change your behavior in the future to prevent a similar situation. Rethink the situation and determine if there is something you can do differently to mitigate the consequences. [12] X Research Source
- For example, if a guy hurts you because he won’t admit to being in another relationship, you can change the outcome by asking for information in advance, rather than thinking for yourself. acting (especially as open relationships become increasingly common).
- In the future, you can shed some light on your prospect by asking, “Are you single?” or “Have you flirted with any other girl besides me?”
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Set personal boundaries . If you are surrounded by many people, they will definitely hurt you. However, you can reduce the vulnerability by setting healthy personal boundaries. This boundary can be understood as the limit of yourself, that is, the things that you are not satisfied with. [13] X Research Source
- Make personal checklists and be sure to share them with everyone in your life.
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Fight for the truth without feeling guilty. Deny feeling bad or apologize for trying to fulfill your wishes or apologize for setting boundaries in your relationship. Some people will feel offended or shocked when you criticize them for hurting and violating your boundaries. [14] X Research Source
- If this happens, don’t feel guilty and let that discourage you too. You deserve to stand up for yourself and your own emotional state.
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Give up if he doesn’t want to respect you. If a man can’t admit that he’s hurt you, or if he keeps pushing your boundaries, it’s best to keep your distance. Make it clear to the person that if he doesn’t respect you, he shouldn’t be in your life anymore.
- This step is really hard to do, but you need to do it to set your boundaries and maintain your self-esteem.
- Talk to a counselor if you’re having trouble letting go of someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 10 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,741 times.
Sometimes the actions of others can hurt you. If a guy hurts you, you may be struggling with how to tell him how you feel. You can make that happen by spending time thinking about your distress and deciding to express your feelings. Then, plan to have a chat together. Follow a few key strategies to keep moving forward and reduce your vulnerability later.
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