How to Stop Criticism

Comment instead of criticizing. As mentioned, some people have problems that need to be addressed. Your friend who is frequently late on paying bills may need some guidance. The coworker who is consistently late for meetings may need to improve his time management skills. However, commenting is very different from criticizing. When it comes to problems, focus on suggestions that can help others improve. This is more effective than mere criticism. We often respond better to constructive statements. Give them feedback and encouragement instead of outright criticism. ^[11]

• Let’s go back to the example mentioned above. Boyfriend always forgets to pay his phone bill on time every month. This leads to unnecessary stress and starts to affect his credit score. You might want to say something like, “Why can’t you pay more attention to paying your bills?” or “Why don’t you remember their expiration date?”. This probably won’t help. Your boyfriend understands himself that he needs to be more conscious, but for some reason, it’s still difficult to do so.
• Instead, make suggestions on a supportive basis and work towards finding a solution. Say something like, “I’m glad you’re trying to be more responsible. Why don’t we go to the store and get a big calendar back? Every time the bill comes in, you can write it down. put the expiration date on it”. You can also offer to help in any way you can. For example: “Every month, I will remind you to note the due date for paying bills”.

Make your request candidly. Ineffective communication often leads to heavy criticism. Without being explicit, you cannot expect others to know for themselves what you want. Make sure you always express your wishes directly and respectfully. This eliminates the need for future criticism. ^[12]

• Let’s say your boyfriend always forgets to wash the dishes after using them. Instead of repressing anger, which can lead to criticism later, clarify the issue right away. ^[13]
• Communicate respectfully. Don’t say: “Stop putting dirty dishes in the sink. It drives me crazy. You wash them.” Instead, try saying things like, “Can you try to clean all the dishes after you use them? I feel like my kitchen utensils are piled up a lot.” ^[14]

Use the “I” statement. The reality is that difficult situations exist in any relationship. When someone hurts your feelings or upsets you, this needs to be communicated clearly. Instead of criticizing, state the problem using an “I” statement. “I” statements are sentences arranged to emphasize your personal feelings rather than objective accusations or judgments.

• An “I” statement has a three-part structure. It starts with “I see that” and is immediately followed by how you feel. Next, you explain the action that gave that feeling. Finally, explain why you feel that way. ^[15]
• For example, consider the case of being annoyed by your boyfriend spending most of the weekend with his friends instead of you. Don’t say: “It hurts when you spend all your time with your friends and don’t even bother to invite me. You’re always pushed aside.”
• Rephrase the above feeling using the statement “I”. You can say something like, “I feel left out when you meet up with friends and don’t ask me out because I feel like you don’t spend any free time with me.” ^[16]

Consider the other side’s point of view. Judgment and criticism always go together. By criticizing others too often, you may be dismissing their point of view. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before criticizing. Really make an effort to see things through their point of view.

• Think about the criticism you are going to say. How would you feel if you were the recipient of that criticism? Even if there’s some truth to what you’re about to say, is it worded to be easily receptive? For example, when your boyfriend is constantly late for appointments, you might want to say, “You’re so disrespectful to me for being so late all the time.” The truth is, it’s possible that your boyfriend didn’t mean to disrespect you at all and he might feel assailed by criticism expressed that way. How do you feel when someone yells at you like that? ^[17]
• At the same time, try to consider external factors that can influence a person’s behavior. Suppose your best friend has become more detached lately. Maybe she’s slow to respond to messages or doesn’t even respond to them at all. Was something going on in her life affecting her behavior? For example, maybe she is stressed with work or school. Maybe she just went through a difficult breakup. They may affect her ability or desire to socialize and integrate. Try to understand that and don’t be too quick to judge.

Seek solutions that bring benefits to multilaterals. After all, finding solutions to problems you have with others is a good way to reduce criticism. Ideally, criticism should aim at an effective response to a negative situation. Mere criticism won’t help. ^[18]

• Let others know the change you want in them. Let’s go back to the example with the boyfriend. Maybe you want your boyfriend to have better control of your time. Let him know ways he can get ready faster. Let him know a time frame in which you feel comfortable. If you desperately want to arrive a little earlier than your scheduled time, make that clear so he tries to leave a little earlier.
• You should also be willing to compromise. For example, arriving 30 minutes early before the party starts can be a bit overwhelming. Instead, perhaps from now on, you can agree to arrive 10 to 15 minutes early.

Challenge your perception of others. We are always making judgments about others. Making too many statements too often can make you overly critical. Throughout the day, reconsider each time you find yourself becoming critical.

• You may think that well-dressed or well-made people are materialistic people. The truth is, they may not have a sense of security. The way they dress may have contributed to making them feel better. Maybe to you only the lazy or the uninitiated can’t graduate from high school. However, it is possible that special family circumstances have interrupted their education. ^[19]
• Remember that everyone makes mistakes. When someone stumbles, remember your own mistake. For example, when judging someone for jostling at an intersection, remind yourself of your passing error. ^[20]

Strive to improve yourself. Are you having difficulties in life and venting your frustrations on those around you? When you’re unhappy with your job, relationship, social life, or other aspect of your life, make an effort to address them. Indulging in a negative attitude can affect your overall happiness and health, leaving you out of control of your stress. ^[21] It can lead to bad social interactions. As you become more positive step by step, you will interact better with the people around you. You can deal with conflict more effectively.

Educate yourself. Many people have hidden disabilities. Before judging or criticizing someone, stop and consider the possibility that the person is facing a problem that you cannot see easily.

• A coworker who seems rude when he doesn’t join the conversation may have social anxiety. Your friend who talks too much about herself may have high functioning autism. The student who repeatedly asks the same questions in your algebra class may have a learning disability.
• Spend some time learning about hidden disabilities online. Before making any judgments about someone’s personality, remind yourself that many people are struggling with illnesses that are not easily seen by others. ^[22]