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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
This article has been viewed 15,895 times.
If you worry that you’re controlling things too much, you’re probably expecting everyone and everything in your life to behave to a certain standard. You can get annoyed when an important person, friend, or co-worker doesn’t do exactly what you want, or a meeting, a party, or a random Sunday afternoon doesn’t go exactly as planned. Determined. If you’ve always felt the need to manage every inch of everything to make sure it goes perfectly and the way you want it to, it’s time to relax, take a step back, and accept that you can’t. control everything. Once you’ve done that, you’ll find that it’s much easier not to try to control yourself than to try to get involved. See Step 1 to become less in control.
Steps
Change of Mind
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Stop being a perfectionist. One of the reasons you become so in control of everything is because you always want everything to be perfect. You might not want people to come over if your house hasn’t been cleaned, and you could spend hours looking over the report for typos and still not find any. After all, this kind of behavior doesn’t help yourself or anyone else. In fact, it only hurts you and pulls you out of your life. Remember that being a perfectionist is an imperfection, the sooner you give up your desire to be perfect, the sooner you can have a life of your own instead of analysis. everything bit by bit.
- Think about it: if you’re afraid of people stopping by because your home isn’t perfect, they’ll mostly judge you don’t want people to come over, not because some pillows are misplaced.
- Perfectionism pulls people back. While it can be a good thing overall, it has bad consequences. Re-reading the report once to check for typos is a must, but reading it over and over two or three times is a waste of time.
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Work with your self-esteem. People who are too controlling should work with their self-esteem because all the problems are there. You may want to take control of your friendships and relationships because you feel that people won’t like you or won’t spend time with you if you don’t tell them about every little thing they have to do. You may feel that you are worth nothing, and if you leave them alone they will find out that they don’t like you at all. You need to stop thinking like that and realize that you are amazing, a valuable human being and all you need to do is relax a bit.
- Talking to a therapist or close friend about your self-esteem issues, anxiety, or any other underlying cause for your controlling behavior can be of great help. You may be able to find the root of the problem that causes you to become too controlling.
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Try to control your anxiety. Another reason you might become controlling is because you’re too worried, thinking about the worst that could happen, or are afraid to face things you don’t even know. What is that. If you are in that situation, you need to relax and understand that facing the unknown is not the end of the world. Think about all the things that could happen in a particular situation, not all the worst, and you will gradually feel better.
- Of course, it can take a long time to get your anxiety under control. Yoga, meditation, cutting down on coffee consumption, taking time to find the root cause of the problem can also help. improve.
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Stop thinking you have to be right all the time. Overly controlling people are often obsessed with the act of having to prove that they have the best ideas for solving problems or that their opinions about things are absolutely right. If you want to be less in control, you have to learn to let other people be right sometimes and not think that it’s okay if you don’t know the answer or if someone has more experience or a deeper understanding. terrible.
- Think about it: what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t know the answer to something? It still happens often to people. You may think that people will judge you or think you are inferior to a certain extent, but such things will not happen. In fact, they’ll think you’re wrong if you never admit you’re wrong.
- Another way to not think you’re always right is to be willing to get hurt. No one can say that this is a pleasant feeling, but it is a way to trust people and show that you are only human. You want people to be able to interact with you, right?
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Learn the way to accept. If you want to stop being in control, then you have to learn to accept things as they are. While it’s good to see things in a way that needs to be adjusted to make progress, there are also other ways to manage the details and make small changes until you get exactly what you want. Accept the general nature of things at work, at home, and in your relationships, too.
- Of course, improvement is initiated by people who can see the need for change and try to make it happen. But we’re not talking about being the hero. What we need is for you to stay calm with everything happening around you instead of trying to “fix” a problem that doesn’t really exist.
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Realize that not having control can be effective. You may think that planning every little detail or planning your wedding flawlessly can make you confident, or even feel great. And sure enough, there’s always the incentive to be able to take full control of the situation. But then do you know how you feel? Exhausted. Stress. It’s like you can’t get up. Instead, let people help, or empower them, which can be your greatest achievement.
- Instead of putting pressure on yourself, you must learn to love working with others to achieve a common goal – or even let them work a little harder than you while you rest.
- Let’s start smart. You don’t have to take full responsibility for a major project at work as if it were your own. Instead, let a coworker choose a lunch spot for you. Is that still so difficult? If you feel comfortable, take it a step further to be able to accept giving up control and see how you feel.
Trust Others
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Learn to put your trust in others. One of the most important things you need to do is realize that other people are just as talented, smart, and hardworking as you are. Of course, unfortunately not everyone is like that. Understandably why you didn’t ask your messy little sister to clean up the kitchen, or didn’t ask Lazy Duong to review the report for you, some people around us might not really help What’s the use for us? But there are so many other kind, helpful people out there, and if you want to live a happier life, you have to learn to trust them, believe they can help you, and let them make their own. decision.
- Think about it: if you were always telling your boyfriend, your best friend, or your roommate exactly what to do, how would they feel? They’ll feel you don’t trust them because you think they’re not as smart/cooperative/cool enough as you are. Is that what you want the people you care about most to feel?
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Authority. If you want to stop being in control, you have to learn how to delegate tasks to others as well. Gone are the days when you gathered everything about yourself and got angry at others with a bossy, cranky look on your face – that’s the person you’ve become. Instead, learn to delegate tasks to others, whether it’s asking a coworker to help with a project or asking a friend or friend to choose the food for the party you’re in charge of. Once you’ve trusted the other person, you can ask them for help.
- Of course, you need to be humble to ask for help, but you’ll get used to it. Everyone has to ask for help from others and you should not be the exception.
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Listen and learn from others. Besides putting your trust in others and being able to share your work with them, you should learn to actually learn from them. You may feel like you’re the only one with the knowledge to teach them, but if you really listen to people, you’ll realize you’re wrong. You are not an expert in every field, there will always be someone who understands or has more experience than you in certain areas. When you’ve given in and are willing to listen, you’ll realize you have a lot to learn.
- Do not interrupt others. Let them say all that needs to be said and be ready to take the time to think carefully before giving their opinion.
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Let people be themselves. While everyone has areas for improvement, you must stop trying to change people the way you want them to. Instead, you should try to let them be themselves, behave as they want instead of having to conform to your way of life and thinking. Of course if your boyfriend does something that drives you crazy, you should talk back but you can’t expect him to be a completely different person, it’s like he can’t ask you to be a completely different person. become a different person.
- It is one thing to talk about things that need to be overcome and to help others become better. But trying to change them into someone else is a whole different story.
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Find out what you’re jealous of. There are many reasons why you control everything including the reason you are jealous. You might get jealous if you don’t tell your best friend where you’re going, and then she ends up hanging out with other friends. You might be jealous if your boyfriend doesn’t call you every hour, and that means he’s with another girl. You must learn to appreciate yourself, and trust that others feel the same way about you. If you have real reasons for your jealousy, that’s one thing, but if you’re always in doubt then you need to have a more rational mindset and a more positive outlook.
- Ask yourself why you feel jealous. Because of a past betrayal or because of a feeling of insecurity?
- If you want to have a healthy relationship that can benefit each other, you have to get rid of that feeling of jealousy.
Act
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If what you’re doing isn’t working in a particular situation, stop. Certainly the control is good in many situations. If your child misbehaves, you need martial law. If your boyfriend is always late for work, you can remind him to set an alarm. But if control is clearly not going to improve the situation, it may be time to stop. You need to be aware of when you should intervene and learn to stop taking control.
- For example, if you continue to scrutinize each of your employees, but the result is resistance and reduced productivity, then it’s time to stop. If your best friend is feeling desperate about losing her job, and you call her every day to see if she’s applied for a new job, and that only makes her more upset, then you should stop. .
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Please share with friends about difficulties. You will have a different view of your controlling behavior. As long as you have someone to share your feelings with and have the determination to change, you can improve your actions. If you deal with it on your own, you won’t be motivated to actually change your mind. The love and support of friends will help you realize you can change, get better, and gradually feel like things are settling down.
- You can meet your friends weekly to talk to them about your progress. If you tell someone about your plans, you may feel more accountable to them and will be more motivated to change.
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Stop advising others. One thing that controlling people do is constantly “advising” people on everything from how they should behave in their relationships to what they should order for dinner. Your “advice” is really a cover for imposition or demand and you must avoid acting like that if you want to become less controlling. When other people really need advice or you think you can really help, that’s when you should give advice, but in general, you should avoid giving advice to people, especially if it’s not asked.
- If you always tell people that your “suggestions” are the best, you’ll be branded as “know-it-all”.
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Stop planning every second of the day. People who like to be in control always want to plan, plan, and just plan. They know exactly what time they wake up, put a spoonful of sugar in their morning coffee, what time they get in the car to go to work, what they will wear each day of the week. If you want to stop controlling, you have to learn to let go. It’s important to get things organized and to help you feel like you’re on the right track, but allowing things to change and accepting that you never know what will happen every second of every day of your life. Your life is also very important.
- Try to apply it in practice. Enjoy the weekend without pre-planning then just do the things you want to do. If you get a last-minute invitation to do something fun, you should accept it.
- While many people like to have a set schedule, make sure you have at least ten hours of free time during the week that doesn’t require a plan at all. Then gradually increase to fifteen or even twenty hours. You will relax and realize that everything is fine even though you don’t always know exactly what is going to happen.
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Learn to go with nature. People who like to be in control often avoid losing control in the moment, avoiding sudden trips or never doing something they want to do and it’s completely insane. They had a plan and they determined to follow it at all costs. So, it’s time to give up these habits, enjoy being yourself, date people without knowing what’s next.
- Next time you’re in a group, don’t speak up when you need to decide what to do. Let them decide. You will find that it is not as bad as you think!
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Be flexible. If you want to become less in control, you need to make room for flexibility in your plan. There may be a last-minute problem with your boyfriend, and you will have to move the date to a later date. Is it the end of the world? Maybe the meeting at work has been rescheduled for the afternoon, maybe your sister needs help with babysitting and no one can. Embrace everything life throws at you, and be flexible so you don’t feel like a disaster when a week doesn’t go your way.
- To be truly flexible, you have to realize that, above all, a few unexpected hours in the week or last-minute changes won’t have a huge impact on your life. Once you realize that, you will feel more free and open to the possibilities.
Advice
- Remember that life is wonderful. Be grateful for what you have been given. You will find less fear of loss and less control when you already have an attitude of gratitude.
- Life will be sweeter if you let it happen naturally. If someone pursues you and realizes that they love you passionately and you can’t help it, that’s an insanely great feeling! Learning to enjoy and love yourself has been a wonderful journey.
- Fight for yourself. Don’t try to appear out of control, do it for yourself. If you try to change your mind, you’re really still trying to control. Accept the fact that you cannot control any situation or person, only yourself.
- Tell everyone about the problem you’re having.
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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
This article has been viewed 15,895 times.
If you worry that you’re controlling things too much, you’re probably expecting everyone and everything in your life to behave to a certain standard. You can get annoyed when an important person, friend, or co-worker doesn’t do exactly what you want, or a meeting, a party, or a random Sunday afternoon doesn’t go exactly as planned. Determined. If you’ve always felt the need to manage every inch of everything to make sure it goes perfectly and the way you want it to, it’s time to relax, take a step back, and accept that you can’t. control everything. Once you’ve done that, you’ll find that it’s much easier not to try to control yourself than to try to get involved. See Step 1 to become less in control.
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