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This article was co-written by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Stefanie Barthmare is a consultant with her own office in Houston, Texas. With 20 years of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling on relationship issues, parenting skills and family difficulties, depression, anxiety and sadness . She holds a bachelor’s degree in English from the University of Texas at Austin and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the University of Houston. Stefanie is also an associate supervisor and coordinator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.
There are 17 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,632 times.
Are you often judged as intolerable? Is it because of your tendency to control everything that no one wants to be on the same team as you, whether at work or at school? If you want to stop being bossy, you need to learn to reduce your desire to control and put your trust in those around you. Learn to let go of your bossy attitude and work with others in a productive, mutually beneficial manner.
Steps
Better cooperation
- If you notice impatience in you, it is more likely that others will rush and not be able to complete the job as well as expected. There is a huge difference between gently pressing and putting pressure on others.
- Instead of demanding that everything be done in a ridiculously short time frame, give them a reasonable amount of time to process the work.
- If this is too difficult for you, remind yourself that as a perfectionist, you are not, in fact, perfect. Perfectionism is a paradoxical view that keeps you from getting the best job done.
- Remind yourself: “Life isn’t perfect, and that’s okay.”
- If you notice someone is doing well and are impressed with what they do, praising that person to let them know you’re not someone else’s weakness will help you build a stronger relationship. At the same time, it also helps you to be less bossy. Give specific praise, it shows that you really pay attention.
- For example, if you work in retail, you might say, “I’ve seen how you handle conflicts with customers. You did a great job!”.
- Concentrate fully on what the person has to say. Avoid distractions, such as playing with your phone or looking at the floor.
- Consistency in body language. Non-verbal communication can convey a lot. If you put your arms around your chest and scowl, no matter what you say, no one will see it as positive.
- Consider your audience. For example, if you’re talking to a child, you probably won’t want to use the tone of voice used in the meeting. Use an approach that works for the audience you’re talking to.
- If you are part of a group, go around and ask each person: “Do you have any ideas?”.
- Let people know that they are free to join the discussion with questions or comments. Let’s build an open discussion platform.
- Before moving on to another matter, seek everyone’s consensus. If someone disagrees, let them know that you appreciate their feedback and hope to hear from them on future occasions.
- You might think that getting things right is the best way to get anything done, but in reality it makes people feel more uncomfortable working with you.
- Besides, listening to other people’s opinions can help you find new approaches to solving problems. If you feel that your own solution is the only possible way, you will have a hard time incorporating creative ideas from others.
- Use the “SKS” method to collect feedback. [6] X Trusted Source Harvard Business Review Go to source Ask these three questions to those around you:
- “What should I stop (S – stop) from?”
- “What should I keep (K-keep)?”
- “What should I start (S – start) to do?”
Adjust your mind
- If you make a mistake, a sincere apology will help resolve the issue and let everyone know that instead of being bossy, you’re willing to compromise. [8] X Research Sources
- For example, you could say, “I’m sorry for what I did. Like everyone, I make mistakes.”
- Make an effort to accept the things you cannot change. Ask yourself if that is within your control and, at the same time, whether the change will have a positive outcome. For example, sometimes changes that are not absolutely necessary can anger those around them when they themselves want them to remain as they are. Make sure it’s worth it before starting to change anything.
- You can say to yourself, “This is hard for me to accept. However, I’ll do my best to learn to accept it because it’s completely out of my control.”
- Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not being able to accept something. If something is really out of tune with your surroundings, the desire to change it can be a meaningful and admirable task.
- Start with small steps to get used to it. You shouldn’t waive all responsibilities from your main project or stop making decisions radically. First, give up only a few small controls. It could be for a colleague to proofread a report or for a friend to choose where to dine. You will find things get easier day by day.
- Giving up control can actually improve your work performance and even your own health. Accepting mistakes is good for productivity and giving up control allows you to be more generous with yourself. [9] X Research Source
- For example, if your roommate is an extremely messy person, you could obviously ask that person to finish the dishes, take out the trash more often, and clean up their portion of the space. You can do that and hopefully no further reminders are needed. However, you can’t expect that person to always do everything 100% perfectly.
- There is a significant difference between high expectations and unreasonable expectations. Obviously, you can expect your subordinates to be able to do things that others cannot. However, you can’t ask them to double the speed unless there’s really a lot of room for them to improve.
- Make a list of the things you are good at. Those are all things that you believe you have a strength in. If you’re having trouble making a list, think about the positive things people have said about you.
- Set realistic expectations for yourself. One of the easiest ways to be hard on yourself is to set unrealistic expectations. Review your expectations when doing activities in your life and ask yourself if they are reasonable. You may want to consult a trusted friend or family member for an outside voice.
- Focus on progress rather than expectations. Instead of setting really high goals, focus on the small improvements you make. For example, if you’re starting to exercise, focus on doing 10 minutes more than you did the day before instead of expecting that you’ll be able to hit two hours straight away.
Relinquish control
- At that point, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions: “Do I really need to pay attention to this? Can other people handle it on their own? Is there something more important going on? where my support might be useful?”.
- Stand on different perspectives. If a coworker says he wants to do the project in a certain way, before dismissing it, ask yourself why he chose to do that. Consider opinions before dismissing them. Make an effort to understand things that are beyond your usual perspective.
- Avoid over-generalizing with the rule of thumb. For example, you may believe that a slow buffalo will have to drink cloudy water. Sometimes that can be true. However, in many other cases it is reasonable to arrive later. Understand that there are exceptions to almost every rule.
- Avoid over-emphasizing feelings of certainty and uncertainty. Your intuition is not always correct. Obviously, you should consider your own intuition, but sometimes it’s better to wait and see than to act on your gut every time.
- If your anxiety isn’t too severe, you can relieve it yourself with a variety of measures, such as meditation, reducing caffeine intake, and exercise. [13] X Research Source
- You can also use self-assurance words. If you start to feel overwhelmed by anxiety, tell yourself things like, “Anxiety can’t control me” or “I’m safe and protected.” [14] X Research Source
- If your anxiety is severe and you have to wake up in the middle of the night, shake with anxiety, or feel like you can’t concentrate when you’re haunted by the thought that everything might go wrong, maybe you should see a doctor. Psychologists.
- If you perceive you as bossy, people will be pleasantly surprised and genuinely appreciate you when you give them a chance to show off.
- You can take a deep breath and say, “Why don’t you make the decision for our project? I don’t mind.”
- Spending time with people with a relaxed, unrestricted style who doesn’t plan too much for the future can also help you become more free-spirited.
- Try and see what happens when the weekend is empty instead of planning every second, every minute. Maybe an exciting adventure will find its way to you.
- Call a friend and say, “Hey, wanna fly somewhere this weekend?”. And then, you can come up with ideas together.
- Delegation gives you time to pursue what you can do best. It can help you collaborate with others in such a way that everyone can do their best work.
- Delegation builds mutual trust. It shows people that you believe in their ability to complete the assigned task.
- Delegation produces the best results. Instead of doing everything yourself, which requires a lot of time and effort, when you delegate, you will have many people working together to achieve a common goal. This will make the project more efficient and productive.
- Offer politely when assigning tasks. You might say, “Would you mind helping me do this?”.
- Constantly giving unnecessary advice shows people you don’t trust their abilities. It’s a terrible way to win the trust of those around you. [17] X Research Source
- When unsolicited, your advice is less likely to be taken and sometimes all you’re doing is wasting time.
Advice
- Bossy, commanding is not the way to make you a good leader. The steps in our “How to be a good boss” article may help you.
Warning
- If you’re in a leadership position, sometimes you ‘ll need to give directions. Avoid thinking that in order not to be bossy, you can’t give orders or act like a leader.
This article was co-written by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Stefanie Barthmare is a consultant with her own office in Houston, Texas. With 20 years of experience, Stefanie specializes in body-based trauma treatment and counseling on relationship issues, parenting skills and family difficulties, depression, anxiety and sadness . She holds a bachelor’s degree in English from the University of Texas at Austin and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the University of Houston. Stefanie is also an associate supervisor and coordinator for groups in the educational, spiritual, and business communities.
There are 17 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,632 times.
Are you often judged as intolerable? Is it because of your tendency to control everything that no one wants to be on the same team as you, whether at work or at school? If you want to stop being bossy, you need to learn to reduce your desire to control and put your trust in those around you. Learn to let go of your bossy attitude and work with others in a productive, mutually beneficial manner.
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