How to Stop Being Bossy

Are you often judged as intolerable? Is it because of your tendency to control everything that no one wants to be on the same team as you, whether at work or at school? If you want to stop being bossy, you need to learn to reduce your desire to control and put your trust in those around you. Learn to let go of your bossy attitude and work with others in a productive, mutually beneficial manner.

Table of Contents

Better cooperation

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Patience . Once you get used to the leadership role, it can be extremely painful to leave that position and wait for someone else to take over. It’s even more painful to watch that person manage a task that you can complete quickly and easily. But hurry to do? Is it the end of the world if things don’t go as planned? Go relax. Deep breath. Wait. You will find that just be patient, no need to struggle, struggle, you will get there. ^{[1] X Research Source}

If you notice impatience in you, it is more likely that others will rush and not be able to complete the job as well as expected. There is a huge difference between gently pressing and putting pressure on others.
Instead of demanding that everything be done in a ridiculously short time frame, give them a reasonable amount of time to process the work.

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Abandon perfectionism. Sometimes, bossiness comes from wanting everything to be perfect and there’s really nothing wrong with struggling and trying not to make a mistake. However, there are ways to get the best results, and just because your path is the most efficient to get from A to B doesn’t mean it’s the best way. Assuming your own way is the best, you stifle other people’s creativity and, at the same time, lower everyone’s morale. ^{[2] X Research Source}

If this is too difficult for you, remind yourself that as a perfectionist, you are not, in fact, perfect. Perfectionism is a paradoxical view that keeps you from getting the best job done.
Remind yourself: “Life isn’t perfect, and that’s okay.”

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Encourage everyone. Many bossy people focus too much on their shortcomings and fail to see potential or progress in others. Try to pay more attention to each person’s strengths. Give positive feedback. Positive feedback feels good psychologically and will be much more motivating than petty judgments about other people’s work. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

If you notice someone is doing well and are impressed with what they do, praising that person to let them know you’re not someone else’s weakness will help you build a stronger relationship. At the same time, it also helps you to be less bossy. Give specific praise, it shows that you really pay attention.
For example, if you work in retail, you might say, “I’ve seen how you handle conflicts with customers. You did a great job!”.

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Improve communication skills. In many cases, bossiness doesn’t come from what you say. It comes from the way you express it. Intonation, expression, and body language can make people feel like they’re just a faulty link in the system. Or, it could also be an invitation to work toward your shared important goal. It’s important to be mindful of timing, wording, and examples when trying to ask someone to get something done or when giving feedback. The smoother the communication, the easier it is to get the job done without causing the other person to feel stuffy. Here are a few tips to help you communicate: ^{[4] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Concentrate fully on what the person has to say. Avoid distractions, such as playing with your phone or looking at the floor.
Consistency in body language. Non-verbal communication can convey a lot. If you put your arms around your chest and scowl, no matter what you say, no one will see it as positive.
Consider your audience. For example, if you’re talking to a child, you probably won’t want to use the tone of voice used in the meeting. Use an approach that works for the audience you’re talking to.

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Attempts to find consensus. Nothing unites team members like consensus building. You can take on the role of coordinator, ensuring that everyone is heard and is satisfied with the decision made. If your words are simply commands, people are more likely to feel less supported because this work/study environment doesn’t benefit them. This cooperation will help everyone feel part of the group and increase trust in the group. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

If you are part of a group, go around and ask each person: “Do you have any ideas?”.
Let people know that they are free to join the discussion with questions or comments. Let’s build an open discussion platform.
Before moving on to another matter, seek everyone’s consensus. If someone disagrees, let them know that you appreciate their feedback and hope to hear from them on future occasions.
You might think that getting things right is the best way to get anything done, but in reality it makes people feel more uncomfortable working with you.
Besides, listening to other people’s opinions can help you find new approaches to solving problems. If you feel that your own solution is the only possible way, you will have a hard time incorporating creative ideas from others.

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Ask for genuine feedback. Do it sincerely, not just because it’s a good idea or just to impress. Explain that you know you can be bossy or domineering at times and that you really want to change that style. Ask them to remind you by pulling you back or even sending anonymous emails or reminders every time you become bossy. Be humble and ask for help. It shows that you want to improve yourself and don’t insist on your own opinions.

Use the “SKS” method to collect feedback. ^{[6] X Trusted Source Harvard Business Review Go to source} Ask these three questions to those around you:
“What should I stop (S – stop) from?”
“What should I keep (K-keep)?”
“What should I start (S – start) to do?”

Adjust your mind

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Step back and breathe. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel the urge to command or control someone, pause for a moment. Focus on the breath and take a few deep “belly” breaths: the stomach expands while the chest remains in the position. This move will activate the “rest and digest” part of the nervous system, helping you to calm down and be more flexible in response. Use this technique to prevent yourself from falling into old ruts and becoming bossy. Instead, you can choose a different path that is more comfortable and even more effective. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Learn to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Part of what makes someone bossy comes from thinking that they are always right about everything. Letting go of that mindset and acknowledging that you can be as wrong as everyone else, you’ll learn how to work with others and realize they can also support you with their own knowledge and experience. The next time you make a mistake, whether at work or in relationships with friends, instead of pretending that everything is someone else’s fault, put aside your pride and admit the mistake. People will appreciate that attitude.

If you make a mistake, a sincere apology will help resolve the issue and let everyone know that instead of being bossy, you’re willing to compromise. ^{[8] X Research Sources}
For example, you could say, “I’m sorry for what I did. Like everyone, I make mistakes.”

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Accept things the way they are. If bossy, the hardest thing in the world is probably accepting that some things will just be the way they are. It includes the weather, colleagues, friends or even anything that you cannot completely control or control. While some things are worth changing or improving, many other things you simply cannot do to change them. The sooner you accept this, the quicker you’ll find a way to be less bossy and have a calm, relaxed attitude.

Make an effort to accept the things you cannot change. Ask yourself if that is within your control and, at the same time, whether the change will have a positive outcome. For example, sometimes changes that are not absolutely necessary can anger those around them when they themselves want them to remain as they are. Make sure it’s worth it before starting to change anything.
You can say to yourself, “This is hard for me to accept. However, I’ll do my best to learn to accept it because it’s completely out of my control.”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not being able to accept something. If something is really out of tune with your surroundings, the desire to change it can be a meaningful and admirable task.

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Know that sometimes, giving up is just as important as taking control. You may think that giving up control means admitting defeat and giving up the vision of perfection you want. However, in reality, giving up control can actually be a worthwhile experience. Not only will you improve your relationships with others by giving them responsibility, but at the same time, you’ll reduce the pressure on yourself and allow yourself more time to do the things you enjoy. and that does not include commanding, controlling people). At first, you may feel uncomfortable. However, the more you do it, the better you’ll feel.

Start with small steps to get used to it. You shouldn’t waive all responsibilities from your main project or stop making decisions radically. First, give up only a few small controls. It could be for a colleague to proofread a report or for a friend to choose where to dine. You will find things get easier day by day.
Giving up control can actually improve your work performance and even your own health. Accepting mistakes is good for productivity and giving up control allows you to be more generous with yourself. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Set realistic expectations for others. ^{[10] X Research Sources} Bossy people often want those around them to become someone beyond themselves. Bosses will likely want them to be more dedicated friends who work harder or are more efficient at everything. And bossy people will probably try anything to change them. In fact, there are countless situations in which people can improve and become better, such as a messy roommate or a co-worker who is always late – they are really worth improving. . However, you cannot expect a complete change in one person. If you do, you will be sorely disappointed.

For example, if your roommate is an extremely messy person, you could obviously ask that person to finish the dishes, take out the trash more often, and clean up their portion of the space. You can do that and hopefully no further reminders are needed. However, you can’t expect that person to always do everything 100% perfectly.
There is a significant difference between high expectations and unreasonable expectations. Obviously, you can expect your subordinates to be able to do things that others cannot. However, you can’t ask them to double the speed unless there’s really a lot of room for them to improve.

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Deal with your own self-esteem. The fact that a person becomes bossy is closely related to their feelings of dissatisfaction with themselves. You feel like people won’t like you. Or, they won’t listen unless you’re bossy, rude, and tell them exactly what to do. Instead, you should realize that you are someone worth listening to and don’t have to put so much pressure to be accepted. For the first time in your life, take the time to do the things you love, work on the areas you can improve, and realize you’re a person worth listening to with these steps: ^{[11] X Source study}

Make a list of the things you are good at. Those are all things that you believe you have a strength in. If you’re having trouble making a list, think about the positive things people have said about you.
Set realistic expectations for yourself. One of the easiest ways to be hard on yourself is to set unrealistic expectations. Review your expectations when doing activities in your life and ask yourself if they are reasonable. You may want to consult a trusted friend or family member for an outside voice.
Focus on progress rather than expectations. Instead of setting really high goals, focus on the small improvements you make. For example, if you’re starting to exercise, focus on doing 10 minutes more than you did the day before instead of expecting that you’ll be able to hit two hours straight away.

Relinquish control

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Be careful when intervening. You may want to fine-tune the performance of others, and sometimes your intervention can really help. However, make sure that you have considered and selected what to participate in and what to ignore. Spend your intervention on really important situations instead of petty problems that will be solved without you. As a result, the people around you have space to breathe and you yourself maintain your own sanity. You won’t have to run around, constantly checking everyone’s progress, and at the same time, other people won’t feel like you’re watching their every move. Choosing what to attend will make everyone more comfortable.

At that point, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions: “Do I really need to pay attention to this? Can other people handle it on their own? Is there something more important going on? where my support might be useful?”.

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Be more flexible. Bosses aren’t really flexible because there’s no room for any Mystery Factor in them and they really hate the phrase “Plan B”. However, if you want to stop being bossy, instead of expecting everything to follow a certain path, you must learn to be more flexible. Maybe for weeks now, you’ve been looking forward to having dinner with your best friend and desperately want to eat Mexican food while she’s yearning for sushi. Possibly because of some last minute changes, a colleague requested more time to complete the report. Use these techniques to improve flexibility in your life: ^{[12] X Research Source}

Stand on different perspectives. If a coworker says he wants to do the project in a certain way, before dismissing it, ask yourself why he chose to do that. Consider opinions before dismissing them. Make an effort to understand things that are beyond your usual perspective.
Avoid over-generalizing with the rule of thumb. For example, you may believe that a slow buffalo will have to drink cloudy water. Sometimes that can be true. However, in many other cases it is reasonable to arrive later. Understand that there are exceptions to almost every rule.
Avoid over-emphasizing feelings of certainty and uncertainty. Your intuition is not always correct. Obviously, you should consider your own intuition, but sometimes it’s better to wait and see than to act on your gut every time.

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Manage your anxiety. Many people are bossy because they can’t control the thought that something won’t go according to their plan. They become stressed at the thought that someone will be five minutes late, a project that won’t be written the way they want it to, or go to a new place they’ve never seen instead of where they’re determined to go. If your bossy attitude comes from worrying that the unexpected will derail your day, perhaps you should start learning how to let go of your own anxiety.

If your anxiety isn’t too severe, you can relieve it yourself with a variety of measures, such as meditation, reducing caffeine intake, and exercise. ^{[13] X Research Source}
You can also use self-assurance words. If you start to feel overwhelmed by anxiety, tell yourself things like, “Anxiety can’t control me” or “I’m safe and protected.” ^{[14] X Research Source}
If your anxiety is severe and you have to wake up in the middle of the night, shake with anxiety, or feel like you can’t concentrate when you’re haunted by the thought that everything might go wrong, maybe you should see a doctor. Psychologists.

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Let someone else make the decision. To the true boss, this could be the scariest thing in the world. But once you try it, you will find that there is absolutely nothing for you to worry about. Let’s start with the small things. If you’re out with friends, let them choose which movie to watch or the restaurant to have dinner at. If you’re at work, let a colleague decide the format of the report or which colleague from another department should be included in the discussion. Here’s how to effectively familiarize yourself with letting go of control and, at the same time, show that disaster won’t happen when you let go a little. ^{[15] X Research Source}

If you perceive you as bossy, people will be pleasantly surprised and genuinely appreciate you when you give them a chance to show off.
You can take a deep breath and say, “Why don’t you make the decision for our project? I don’t mind.”

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Live more spontaneously. Bosses often struggle with things that don’t go as planned. Try to curb your habitual tendencies and find ways to adapt to things outside of your usual routine. Go on a last-minute hike with your friends. Start a whole new hobby that until last week, you didn’t even think about. Learn a new dance style. Suddenly singing. Do any of the things you wouldn’t normally do and enjoy the breath of fresh air that comes from them. Soon, you will realize how wonderful it is that the world becomes more colorful and there is no need to control every inch of your life. ^{[16] X Research Source}

Spending time with people with a relaxed, unrestricted style who doesn’t plan too much for the future can also help you become more free-spirited.
Try and see what happens when the weekend is empty instead of planning every second, every minute. Maybe an exciting adventure will find its way to you.
Call a friend and say, “Hey, wanna fly somewhere this weekend?”. And then, you can come up with ideas together.

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Authority. To stop being bossy, you can also delegate some tasks that need to be done to someone. If you’re planning a wedding, instead of yelling at everyone around, ask a friend to choose flowers, ask someone else to help you with the invitations, etc. Don’t shoulder everything on your own and then yell at the request. people do everything at once. Instead, be careful about who you ask to do what and you will find that delegating someone else is much better than giving orders. Here are some benefits of delegation:

Delegation gives you time to pursue what you can do best. It can help you collaborate with others in such a way that everyone can do their best work.
Delegation builds mutual trust. It shows people that you believe in their ability to complete the assigned task.
Delegation produces the best results. Instead of doing everything yourself, which requires a lot of time and effort, when you delegate, you will have many people working together to achieve a common goal. This will make the project more efficient and productive.
Offer politely when assigning tasks. You might say, “Would you mind helping me do this?”.

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Stop giving advice when you don’t need it. Bosses also often tell people what they should do and how they should act, even though the listener doesn’t ask for that advice. If your friend asks for your advice, that’s one thing. But if your friend is just struggling with his own problems, don’t tell him to break up with his partner or change his hairstyle. Be empathetic to the needs of others and only give advice when they ask for it or really need it instead of acting like a know-it-all who thinks his way is the best.

Constantly giving unnecessary advice shows people you don’t trust their abilities. It’s a terrible way to win the trust of those around you. ^{[17] X Research Source}
When unsolicited, your advice is less likely to be taken and sometimes all you’re doing is wasting time.

Advice

Bossy, commanding is not the way to make you a good leader. The steps in our “How to be a good boss” article may help you.

Warning

If you’re in a leadership position, sometimes you ‘ll need to give directions. Avoid thinking that in order not to be bossy, you can’t give orders or act like a leader.

Steps

Better cooperation

Adjust your mind

Relinquish control

Advice

Warning

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