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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,329 times.
When we repeatedly apologize, we send everyone around us the message that we are in a “sorry” state. While there are many suitable excuses, apologizing too much makes us feel guilty about being ourselves. Maybe we had good intentions at first; really want to be kind, attentive, and sensitive. Ironically, though, over-apologizing can leave everyone around you feeling alienated and confused. Once you understand what’s the potential reason for apologizing, there are a few steps you can take to change it.
Steps
Understand the habit of apologizing
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Realize how over-apologizing reflects on you. Apologizing too much signals to ourselves and others that we feel ashamed or sorry for something about our presence. This is most evident in a few situations where you obviously did nothing wrong (e.g., slam into a chair and apologize to it). If there is nothing to apologize for, why are you apologizing?
- Sensitive people are often more concerned with the feelings and experiences of others than their own, so they tend to be overly apologetic. This can lead to frequent situations but it will be difficult to recognize a lack of respect or denial of someone’s worth. [1] X Research Source
- Many studies show that apologizing more often reflects shame rather than belief that the mistake has been acknowledged. [2] X Research Source
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Acknowledge gender differences. Men tend to apologize less often than women, and research shows this is because women tend to think more deeply about what constitutes offensive behavior. [3] X Research Source Men often have a limited sense of what might be considered offensive. Because many frustrating things can exist in the perception of women, they feel more responsible than men.
- Excessive apologizing in women is partly a matter of social conditioning in the event that you are not at fault. While changing this habit takes effort, you’ll find comfort in knowing that there’s not necessarily something “wrong” with you.
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Check out how it affects others. How are others affected when you apologize too often? Not only are you likely to be looked down upon due to incompatibility or incompetence, but those close to you may also be affected. [4] X Research Sources Apologizing makes others feel isolated because they don’t understand the discomfort or as if they are threatening and demanding with an attitude that causes you to apologize frequently.
- For example, if you say “sorry, I was a few minutes early” the other person may wonder what is causing you to act conservatively towards them. They’ll probably also feel that their smile is ignored or unappreciated when you arrive early.
Control and change the apology
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Know. Sorry how much is too much? If the words below sound all too familiar, you may be going overboard. Note whether all apologies are excuses for normal behavior and behavior, not harming anyone. [5] X Research Sources
- “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother you”.
- “I’m sorry, I just went out for a jog and now I’m sweaty.”
- “I’m sorry, my house is a bit messy right now.”
- “I’m sorry, I think I forgot to put salt in the popcorn.”
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Control apologies. [6] X Research Resources Memorize and take notes of everything you apologize for and take a relaxed look at them. Ask yourself if there is something you did in a deliberate or harmful way. After all, they are situations where an apology is really needed.
- Try managing your apologies this way for a week.
- You may notice that the apology seems to be meant to avoid confrontation or perhaps to appear more humble and kind.
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Learn from when the apology is timely. [7] X Research Source Notice whether an apology makes you feel as though you have clarified something that has offended another person or impacted the standards you hold for yourself. Try to understand when an apology can seem superficial, as if you had to tidy up your room to keep the room organized or ask for smart permission to act and speak up.
- If you feel out of place, start turning down a role in an event and let it go. This can be especially difficult if you are someone who is apologizing on behalf of someone else to clear up a conflict when it first arises. However, apologizing on behalf of the other person often leads to feelings of resentment, because you are taking on the responsibility of the other person along with your own. [8] X Research Sources
- An apology is always a decision based on your own opinion; that is different for everyone.
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Turn your apology into a simple, innocent statement. When you start to notice some unnecessary apology, turn it into a word like “great” or “beep squeeze”. This accompanies unnecessary apologies with a sense of humor that comes along with the naivety and improves the ability to control the apology. [9] X Research Source
- If you don’t replace regular apologies with some other word, you run the risk of just saying sorry.
- Use this trick while controlling the apology. You can then begin to replace the apology with some more meaningful expressions of care.
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Expressed gratitude. In some cases, simply saying “thank you” is more appropriate. For example, say thank you to a friend who helped take out the trash before you do. Instead of saying sorry for not doing the chore fast enough, be grateful to the person who did it. Focus on the friend who was quick to help you rather than what you think you should have done. [10] X Research Source
- This frees you from feeling responsible and creates unnecessary guilt, and saves your friend from having to reassure you that taking out the trash isn’t a big deal.
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Try using empathy as an alternative. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and you can use it to build rapport (which you may be trying to do through apologizing). [11] X Research Source People you love will value empathy more than guilt, because through empathy you are expressing concerns without ever shrinking yourself in the process. submit.
- Instead of making everyone in your life feel like you’re indebted to them, make them feel heard and understood. [12] X Research Source
- You could try talking about how they feel about a certain situation. For example, if a person has had a bad day at work, try saying something like, “That sounds tough” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” This lets the other person know that you’re paying attention to how they feel.
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Laugh at yourself. There are many instances where we want to express awareness of our own stupidity, and this can be done without apologizing. Let’s say you accidentally spill some coffee or suggest going to a restaurant that you later realize is closed. Instead of expressing understanding of the incident with an apology, smile. Humor is a great way to ease tension in some situations and help others feel more comfortable. [13] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- If you laugh about the mistake instead of apologizing, you and everyone around you will see that you know this is a mistake. Laughter gives you the most comfort about what’s missing by helping you take the problem less seriously.
Solve the root problem for long-term change
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Ask yourself. [14] X Research Source What are you apologizing for? Trying to keep yourself at the lowest level or calm things down some other way? Maybe you’re trying to avoid conflict or find consensus. Consider these questions thoroughly. Feel free to write down the answer you envision to come up with your spontaneous opinion on the matter.
- Also pay attention to whom you often apologize to. Lover? Or boss? Check out these relationships and which apologies have been made to certain people.
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Explore emotions. When you apologize too often, you can end up with a feeling of suffocation within the emotion itself. Apologies can become the end result of someone seeing you differently and your own feelings about the situation becoming more blurred. Dig deep into what it feels like when you’re inclined to apologize and notice what you notice.
- Often an apology that corresponds to a lack of confidence can be resolved through self-acceptance and a renewed view of strength and worth. [15] X Research Source
- When it comes to continuing to correct some long-standing habits that are tied to self-esteem, support from a therapist or mental health professional can be helpful. [16] X Research Source
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Accept mistakes. As we all know, everyone makes mistakes. This means you don’t need to apologize for a stain on your shirt or need 3 times to park your car properly in the parking lot. [17] X Research Sources These mistakes can be silly or embarrassing, but understanding that everyone can make mistakes will help you realize that making mistakes isn’t such a big deal, and we don’t have to focus so much on mistakes. This focus prevents us from growing and changing.
- Realize what your mistake is to improve. If a mistake causes you trouble or even pain, there is always an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow from it.
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Eliminate residual guilt . Endless apologies and self-incriminations are a sign that you’ve become a guilty person rather than feeling guilty for doing something wrong. [18] X Research Source Start dealing with guilt by working to love yourself, adjust to unrealistic standards, and realize what you cannot control.
- For example, you may believe that you “should” always be a happy person, and feel guilty when you are unhappy. However, this is an unrealistic standard for yourself. Instead, show yourself with a little love when you’re not feeling as happy as you normally would. Say to yourself, “I had a rough day today and it’s completely normal.”
- Remember that only you can control your own actions and reactions. So, if you take a long time to get to the meeting place and are still late because of an unforeseen traffic accident, this is not your fault. It is out of control. You can explain what happened, but you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
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Grow your values. [19] X Research Source The over-apologetic pattern sometimes shows a lack of value. This is because apologies focus on the other person’s reaction to knowing what is right and wrong. Instead of viewing your value system based on the approval of others, take some steps to develop your own values.
- Value definition will give you a clear sense of how to handle a variety of situations and make decisions that come from your own direction.
- For example, consider a few people you admire. What do you respect about them? How do you apply these values to your own life? [20] X Research Source
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Promote relationships. Apologizing frequently has many adverse effects on relationships. When you’re changing your words to avoid frequent apologies, let everyone close to you know what you’re doing and why. Without apologizing for your behavior in the past, tell your loved ones that you are changing, which you hope will positively affect yourself and hopefully they will too.
- You can say, “I’ve come to realize that I apologize too much, and that this can make those I love uncomfortable around me. I’m trying to apologize for the unnecessary. less than”.
- Share any experiences you have with apologizing too much or about yourself when you think your partner is involved. Be very clear that you believe in yourself, they may notice some changes in you that you would like to be accepted by them.
- If any relationship relies on you knowing you were at fault or did something wrong, this is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
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Respect your rights. Saying “sorry” is also used as a way to make a direct statement, or say it in your head, without being bossy or aggressive. So the possibility is that over-apologizing will diminish your rights and undermine what you do. [21] X Research Resources Respect your rights by realizing that having rights does not mean you are in fact violent or selfish.
- In contrast, power gives you the ability to influence others by being yourself. This is the power to have the influence you want to realize in your surroundings. [22] X Research Source
- Notice and appreciate that you have certain skills and qualities that are universally acknowledged, and that it is something to love—not deny.
- Next time you have an idea you’d like to share, don’t start with something like “I’m sorry to bother you, but….” Just be direct, confident, and polite. For example: “I have a few ideas to share with you about our new direction. When do you have time to talk?” This isn’t self-aggrandizement or aggression, but it’s also not an apology when it’s not necessary.
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Find another source to help you reassurance. Apologizing often requires confirmation from the people we care about. When we hear that friends, family, or people we respect say “it’s okay” or “don’t worry about it,” we understand that we will still be loved and accepted despite our shortcomings. detect. Here are a few ways to reassure yourself that you don’t need to find reassurance through apologizing:
- Affirmations are a few personal mantras that help you gain confidence in yourself and use this confidence to create positive change, such as, “I’m good enough, just because I am.”
- Positive self-talk offers a way to turn negative thoughts that increase insecurity into encouraging and helpful thoughts. For example, the next time you hear inner criticism about something unhelpful, face a positive statement: “I have great ideas, and people believe it’s worth hearing them.”
X
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,329 times.
When we repeatedly apologize, we send everyone around us the message that we are in a “sorry” state. While there are many suitable excuses, apologizing too much makes us feel guilty about being ourselves. Maybe we had good intentions at first; really want to be kind, attentive, and sensitive. Ironically, though, over-apologizing can leave everyone around you feeling alienated and confused. Once you understand what’s the potential reason for apologizing, there are a few steps you can take to change it.
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