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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy. She received her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Pennsylvania and a diploma. Bachelor of Science in Sociology/Medical from the University of Florida.
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If you haven’t had sex in a long time, you may feel apprehensive or overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to the bedroom. If you’re ready for sex again, work on building your confidence and physical health to feel positive about yourself. Find a potential partner or reconnect with your spouse, and get ready for sex.
Steps
Build confidence
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Understand that you are not alone. Many people are also single at some point in their lives. One study found that 14% of men and 10% of women had not had sex in the previous year. There are many changes and developments that can lead to celibacy – voluntary or involuntary. [1] X Research Resources Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Invpuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.
- Don’t think harshly about yourself for the sake of being single. Ignore other people’s chatter about how you should live, or whether you need to have a sex life, date, get married, or have kids. Your opinion of yourself is the most important. The depression that comes from being single can prevent you from moving forward. [2] X Research Resources Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Invpuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.
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Build social skills. If you feel shy or embarrassed, you may be having a hard time interacting with people. The biggest barrier to finding a mate is shame. [3] X Research Sources Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Invpuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169. A general lack of social skills can keep you from finding a mate. [4] X Research Resources Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Invpuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169. Try to improve your social skills so that you feel more comfortable meeting people.
- Develop nonverbal communication skills. Body language has the ability to communicate messages to others. If you avoid crowds or stoop, that behavior tells others that they should stay away from you. Try standing up straight and holding your head high. Stand close to others and listen attentively to their conversations. [5] X Research Sources
- Be prepared with social topics in mind. If you often find yourself at a loss for words, it’s a good idea to prepare some general opinions on certain topics in advance. You can talk about the weather, work or school, a new movie or a picnic, etc. [6] X Research Source
- Practice social skills with all subjects. You don’t have to leave those skills to potential partners. Put them to use with the postman or the grocer.
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Actively build body image. To be sexually active again, you need to have confidence. Feeling shy or embarrassed about your body image will make you uncomfortable during sex. If body image is having a negative impact on your sex life, make it a priority to fix what’s within your power and learn to accept what’s out of reach.
- Sign up to join the gym to work out. You don’t have to set a goal to lose 10kg, but the very act of working out will help boost your confidence. [7] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source This can also improve your sex life by having more energy in your body.
- Treat yourself to a new hairstyle or new underwear. The sexy body will help you remember what you like about sex and bring a sense of excitement to the activity.
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Find a private living space. Deal with life situations that are holding you back or causing you to lose confidence. Regardless of where you live or other circumstances, find a way to work around that obstacle. [8] X Research Sources Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Invpuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169. Maybe your life circumstances don’t allow you to have much privacy. Perhaps you are living with friends or family. If you want to pursue an intimate relationship with your partner, you must find a way to ensure the necessary privacy. For example, discuss whether your roommate can go out for a night or two a week.
- You may consider renting your own home if your living situation doesn’t provide enough privacy for you.
Make sure your body is healthy
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Schedule a checkup with your doctor. To make sure you’re ready for sex, schedule a physical exam. This is especially important if you have previously stopped having sex for health reasons. [9] X Research Source
- If you’ve just had a baby, you should have a gynecological exam to make sure you can have sex. Many women after giving birth experience discomfort or pain during sex. [10] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source Your doctor can determine if there are any medical problems arising from the delivery.
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Treatment of sexual dysfunction. Perhaps you once stopped being in a relationship because it didn’t go well for you. For example, you cannot have pleasure during sex. This doesn’t mean you have to stop having sex altogether. There are many medications and treatments for sexual dysfunction, for both men and women.
- Be proactive in dealing with the disorders you are suffering from. Make an appointment to see a doctor. They will help you figure out a course of treatment.
- It may be embarrassing to talk to your doctor about sex-related issues, but your doctor’s role is to help you live a better life and they really want to help you. If you’re female, you should probably talk to a female doctor, or vice versa.
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Treat depression or anxiety. Mental health can affect how you feel about sex. If you are depressed, your sex drive will decrease. [11] X Trusted Source American Academy of Family Physicians Go to the source See a counselor for treatment for depression or anxiety. They will help you dig into the causes of your depression or anxiety. Your doctor can also provide you with strategies for dealing with these disorders. Some signs of depression include:
- Loss of appetite or weight loss.
- Sleep disturbance (insomnia or sleeping too much).
- Fatigue or lack of energy.
- Visibly agitated or lethargic.
- Feeling worthless or redundant.
- Difficulty concentrating or feeling.
- Frequent thoughts of death or suicide, suicide, or suicide plans.
- Talk to your doctor about medication. Depression and anxiety can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Medicines can correct this imbalance. However, some medications can decrease sex drive or pleasure. Talk to your doctor to find the best option for you.
Find a potential partner
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Try online dating. If you’re having a hard time getting in touch with people you already know, try expanding your reach of potential partners. Online dating sites are the right place to find people who are looking for a romantic relationship. This type of dating is much more popular than it used to be, and you can meet many different types of people than in real life. [12] X Research Source
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Get back in touch with your spouse or partner. If you are in a long-term relationship and the feelings between the two of you have cooled, you may need to reconnect with them to start the relationship again. Rediscover the love and attraction that once brought you together.
- Revive happy memories. Revisit the places you used to go on dates when you first met. Eat at old restaurants or go to the beaches where the two of you once had passionate kisses.
- Overcome relationship disagreements by talking to each other. Relationships can become suffocating because one or both of you are angry about something. The two of you need time to get back together, but the first step is to talk about it. Maybe you should see a relationship counselor.
- Prioritize sex in a relationship. You may have to schedule this, especially if you have young children. Plan dates, send your kids to your grandparents’ house, and have fun with that person.
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Practice flirting . When it comes to flirting, we have different types of flirting with different results. For example, there are several types of flirting: physical, sincere, polite, traditional, and playful. [13] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393. Compared to polite or traditional flirting, you’ll be more successful with flirting through physical contact, sincerity, and playfulness. Flirting through physical contact or showing sincerity is even more likely to work, especially when it comes to sex. [14] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.
- Physical flirting is when a person shows interest in a physical act, like touching another person’s shoulder.
- Flirting with sincerity depends on whether you make an emotional connection or not, requires you to express yourself more than other types, but does not have a sexual orientation. [15] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.
- Courtesy flirts are uncomfortable with blatant sexual desire, and they rigidly follow the traditional rules of courtship. [16] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.
- With traditional flirting, men take the lead and take the initiative in the conversation. [17] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.
- Playful flirts see it as a game, showing affection and concern for others in an open and permissive manner. [18] X Research Sources Hall, JA, Carter, S., Cody, MJ, & Albright, JM (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.
- If you have a long-term partner and want to reactivate sexual activity, try flirting with them again. Recall the passion in the relationship you both had in the past.
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Use assertive expressions. When talking to someone you care about, speak assertively. Express your thoughts and feelings in sentences with the subject “I” or “You”, for example, “I think you are very pretty.” [19] X Research Sources Kubany, E., Bauer, G., Muraoka, M., Richard, D., & Read, P. (1995). Impact of labeled anger and blame in intimate relationships. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychpogy, 14, 53-60. If there is a “freezing phase” in your long-term relationship, you can say, “I see we haven’t had a relationship in a while, I’d like to talk about this.”
- When talking face-to-face, make sure you both take turns speaking. [20] X Research Sources Greene, JO, & Burleson, BR (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychpogy Press. Give the other person a chance to talk by creating short silences (usually a few seconds). [21] X Research Sources Greene, JO, & Burleson, BR (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychpogy Press.
- If you are not confident about your social skills then there are some goals you need to achieve in communication. You must convey the message you want to say, avoid rambling, be honest, polite and humble. [22] X Research Sources Grice, Cpe, & Morgan, 1975
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Avoid haste. Don’t expect to have sex with your new partner right away. It’s better to get to know the person and let the relationship progress naturally. Then you will feel more comfortable to lift to the next step.
Prepare before sex
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Learn about your body sexually. You can actively learn about your body sexually. Women who masturbate have significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those who do not. [24] X Research Sources Hurlbert, DF, & Whittaker, KE (1991). The rpe of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and non-masturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282.
- Incorporating sex aids like vibrator and lubricant into your sex life can enhance your satisfaction. [25] X Research Sources Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419. You can use these devices on your own or with a partner. If you’re afraid to use a vibrator or other sex toy with your partner, try it out for yourself first.
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Learn about consent. In the US, the age at which you can have consensual sex is 18. If your partner is under the age of consent and you are of age, you can be convicted of rape. Consensual sex means both people are willing to engage in sexual activity. When having sex, both you and your partner can refuse and withdraw consent at any time. If during a relationship, one of the parties “doesn’t” want to, then stop immediately.
- Remember that just because one party doesn’t “reject” doesn’t mean they’re comfortable with the situation. Consensus is an ongoing process.
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Use protection during sex. Having unprotected sex can lead to an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. Condoms can prevent these problems very well. Use a condom every time you have sex and until it’s over. [25] X Research Sources
- Conceive: Keep in mind that hormonal birth control pills will only prevent conception, not STIs. Ideally, you should have two ways to protect yourself, like using both birth control pills and condoms. Use condoms as directed; Condoms are only 82% effective against conception with typical use (equivalent to 18 conceptions out of 100 people per year). Birth control pills are only 91% effective, with 9 conceptions out of every 100 women per year. [26] X Credible Sources Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to source The most effective method of birth control is the implant, with less than one conception in every 100 women.
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Always use condoms correctly during sex. [27] X Credible Sources Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to the source In addition, HPV vaccines such as Gardasil and Cervarix can prevent infection with HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer. uterine cancer, anal cancer, penile cancer, vulvar cancer, and oral cancer. Talk to your doctor and counseling system about vaccination options.
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Prepare other supplies. Diaphragms, lubricants and other supplies can greatly enhance sexual satisfaction. They are especially helpful if you haven’t had sex in a while and are concerned about possible discomfort for you and your partner. [29] X Research Sources Herbenick., Reece, Hensel, Sanders, Jozkowski., & Fortenberry. (2011). Association of lubricant use with women’s sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: a prospective daily diary study. J Sex Med. 2011 Jan;8(1):202-12.[30] X Research Sources Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.
- Mouth Diaphragm: A diaphragm is a thin rubber membrane that is placed in the mouth for protection during oral sex. You can buy it online or at a sex toy store. Some drugstores sell this, but it’s not as popular as other protective gear. [30] X Research Source
- Lubricants: There are three types of lubricants, including water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based lubricants, and they have their own characteristics.
- Water-based lubricant: It is convenient to use because it can be easily washed off with water and is widely available. [31] X Source of Research You can put on condoms to help prevent them from tearing. [32] X Research Sources This type of lubricant is also less allergenic than silicone-based lubricants. [34] X Research Sources Herbenick., Reece, Hensel, Sanders, Jozkowski., & Fortenberry. (2011). Association of lubricant use with women’s sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and genital symptoms: a prospective daily diary study. J Sex Med. 2011 Jan;8(1):202-12.[35] X Research Sources Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.
- Silicone-based lubricants: This type of lubricant lasts longer than others. They are best suited for anal sex. [35] X Research Source
- Oil-based lubricants: Never use this lubricant with latex condoms. Oil-based or oil-based lubricants can tear condoms. [36] X Research Source
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Talking about sex. People who can talk about sex have a better sex life. [39] X Research Sources Davis, Shaver, Widaman, Vernon, Fplette, & Beitz. (2006). “I can’t get no satisfaction”: Insecure attachment, inhibited sexual communication, and sexual dissatisfaction. Personal Relationships 15(4), 465-483.[40] X Research Sources Byers, ES, & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 180-189. Be clear with your partner about your needs. [41] X Research Sources Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419.
- This communication is also important if you are talking to friends. People who are not afraid to talk about sex can often talk about safe sex with their partners. [42 ] X Research Sources Boyer, CB, Shafer, MA, Wibbelsman, CJ, Seeberg, D., Teitle, E., & Loveil, N. (2000). Associations of sociodemographic, psychosocial, and behavioral factors with sexual risk and sexually transmitted diseases in teen clinic patients. Journal of Advanced Health, 27, 102-111
- Don’t be afraid to let your partner know about your attitudes and feelings towards sex. [43] X Research Sources Byers, ES, & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 180-189. Let them know what makes you happy. [42] X Research Source You can make suggestions in a positive way, such as “I love being touched there”. Don’t be afraid to ask what the person likes and wants.
Foreplay before sex. Sexual relationships will become more attractive if you know how to foreplay well before sex. Stroking, smiling, and other activities can help both of you feel more loved, secure, and wanted.
- Try massaging each other, kissing and hugging even when not having sex.
- Send erotic messages to each other.
Warning
- If you feel unsafe before or during sex, ask your partner to stop.
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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy. She received her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Pennsylvania and a diploma. Bachelor of Science in Sociology/Medical from the University of Florida.
There are 27 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
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If you haven’t had sex in a long time, you may feel apprehensive or overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to the bedroom. If you’re ready for sex again, work on building your confidence and physical health to feel positive about yourself. Find a potential partner or reconnect with your spouse, and get ready for sex.
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