How to Respond to a Narcissist’s Apology

Receiving an apology from a narcissist can be an awkward experience at times. You may feel angry and frustrated, but with that comes feelings of guilt and a desire to be generous. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder, but many people also find ways to maintain healthy relationships with narcissists without having to give in to their demands again and again. We’ll tell you ways to respond to a narcissist’s apology and give you some tips on how to manage this relationship to feel safe and loved.

Table of Contents

Recognize an insincere apology.

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Only accept an apology when you feel it’s not entirely self-serving. Narcissists don’t care if you’re hurt, but they’re afraid of losing control over you, so they often make fake and calculated apologies. Here are some signs of an insincere apology: ^{[1] X Trusted Source Harvard Business Review Go to source}

Phrases like “I’m sorry for making you angry” or “I’m sorry for upsetting you” imply blaming you instead of apologizing for their actions.
Empty apologies with just three words, “I’m sorry.”
The half-apology, although longer than “I’m sorry,” doesn’t show remorse or show any sign that they intend to change their behavior in the future.
Denial phrases where the speaker made a mistake in the first place, such as “It wasn’t my fault.”

Ask them if they understand your point of view.

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Narcissists lack empathy, so give it a try. A sincere apology should show how much the speaker understands their actions have affected or harmed the other party. When responding to a narcissist’s apology, try to see if they understand how much they have hurt you. Ask something like, “How do you think I feel when I do that?” or “How much do you think your actions will affect me?”

A highly narcissist is completely incapable of empathizing with others, but for someone who hasn’t, you can evoke this empathy to rebuild the relationship.
If this person shows no signs that they understand your point of view, communicating with them will continue to be a challenge, simply because the narcissist’s world just doesn’t have enough room for them to care. Your concerns are equal to theirs.

Communicate your boundaries clearly.

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Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so you need to enforce this. When a narcissist crosses your boundaries, be prepared to do it again. Warn them that there will be consequences if they do it again in the future, and do as you say. Start the conversation with something like, “It’s time to draw the lines in our relationship.” ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, if you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, you might say, “If next time you yell at me like that, I won’t call home every week, but only once a month. ”

Let them know that they let you down.

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If your relationship with your narcissist is important, be gentle but firm. When you criticize a narcissist’s behavior, you hurt their imagined perfect self-image and could make them angry or defensive. Speak calmly and respectfully, such as, “I’m very disappointed by what you’ve done. I’m trying to find a way to trust you.” ^{[3] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Respect yourself – don’t lie to please them, and make it clear how their actions have harmed the relationship.

Say you cannot accept their apology at this time.

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Don’t force yourself to forgive when you’re not ready. The important thing here is not to suffer losses to please or coax the narcissist. You are under no obligation to accept apologies, even if they make you feel guilty. You can say something like, “I can’t forgive you right now, but thank you too – I need to hear your apology.” ^{[4] X Research Sources}

You can also say something like, “Thank you for taking the time to apologize to me, but I’m still very upset and can’t accept an apology at this time. In a few months, let’s try to repair the relationship.”

Keep yourself safe when they explode with anger.

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Narcissists are prone to tantrums, so you need to reduce conflict. When you have a tense conversation with a narcissist, leave the room when they start to be aggressive. Arguing with a narcissist rarely works because they often won’t listen, no matter how right you may be. It’s best to just say, “I don’t agree with the way you judge me,” and try to steer the story in a more constructive direction. ^{[5] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}

Remember that the narcissist’s actions often stem from deep hurt. This can cause them to hurt others because they have been through it. Sympathize with them in this situation, but do not tolerate any form of violence.

Set expectations for the relationship.

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Ask yourself what you gain and lose in this relationship. You can write down your feelings about your relationship with a narcissist so you can better understand your thoughts. A narcissist may never give you true love, but your relationship can give you a lot more, so you should consider all aspects.

If you know you can’t expect recognition and love from a narcissist, don’t ask for it when they apologize. Look for these things elsewhere and ask the narcissist to do things that are easier to do together, such as respecting your boundaries.
If you find that your relationship with your narcissist takes away too much from you without giving you much in return, leave them. This can be difficult if the narcissist is a family member, but just limiting your contact will make you feel safer. ^{[6] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Prevent narcissists from retaliating.

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Narcissists are used to controlling others and can’t stand this lack of power. If you don’t accept their apology and fully forgive them, they may seek to punish you by being cold to you, making new demands, or trying to manipulate you. You can’t control their actions, but you can insist on being treated the way you deserve. ^{[7] X Trusted Source Science Direct Go to Source}

Narcissists don’t forgive easily if they’ve been hurt. If they leave you, just ignore them – if they really need you they’ll come back. ^{[8] X Trusted Source Science Direct Go to Source}

Accept that you cannot change a narcissist.

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Don’t fool yourself that narcissists can change. Understand that narcissists almost never change, so all you can do is take control of your relationship with them so you can protect your dignity and happiness.

Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that requires a lot of therapy and counseling to help the narcissist debunk their preconceived notions of a great version of themselves. Unfortunately, psychotherapy is something most narcissists don’t want to go to.

Find a support system that treats you the way you deserve.

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Some narcissists use isolation to control the people around them. Therefore, it is important that you maintain relationships with people from different groups through work, volunteering and other social activities. As you find other, more positive relationships, you’ll feel more secure and won’t be put down by your narcissist. ^{[9] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}

A narcissist will try to make you believe that you are a lot worse than you really are, but don’t be fooled by them. If you believe in the image of yourself drawn by the narcissist, it will be difficult for you to get out of their grip. ^{[10] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Find a therapist to help you recover.

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Staying in a relationship with a narcissist can take a toll on your mental health. It can also affect your future interactions with others and the level of trust you place in relationships. Don’t let one person rule your life – talk to a therapist or a mental health professional to recover and regain your confidence. ^{[11] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Steps