How to Resolve Conflicts Effectively

Conflict is more of a problem than disagreement. It is a deeply rooted problem between two or more people, reflecting their attitudes towards each other. Whether you’re trying to work through a conflict between yourself and another person, or helping two colleagues work through a disagreement, the resolution process has many similarities. You must be determined to meet and speak frankly. The next step is to listen sincerely to understand the other person’s point of view. Ultimately, you need to reach a compromise that both of you can satisfy to some extent. ^{[1] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Table of Contents

Determine the level of conflict

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Look for inappropriate responses. Disagreement is not as serious as conflict. However, if someone is behaving more upset or angry than necessary, watch their behavior closely. It shows that they either have internal conflict or are under stress. On the other hand, if the anger is directed at the other person, then both of you may have a conflict that needs to be resolved. Whatever the situation, you must be careful not to lose control or even aggravate the conflict. ^{[2] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

For example, getting angry when a friend breaks a disposable plastic cup is an inappropriate response. Think about your relationship with your friend to see if a previous behavior or actions by that person caused you great grief.

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Think about the tension that exists outside of disagreements. If you have a conflict with someone, you will always think badly of them no matter what you and that person are disagreeing about. If you feel uncomfortable when the person walks into the room, you need to resolve the conflict. Concealing conflicts to avoid back-and-forth is natural. It can be difficult to handle a simple feud, but you should find a way to make peace with them.

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Think about how others distort your point of view. People often judge other people’s comments or actions. However, if you find yourself constantly dismissing other people’s ideas or work without much thought, you may be in conflict with them. Before resolving a conflict, try to separate your relationship with them so that you can consider their opinions and contributions fairly. ^{[3] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

For example, if you see a colleague writing a report that another colleague returns and asks for correction, take a closer look. If they can’t sit down and read the report carefully, you can help them deal with the conflict. Their relationship is distorting their perception of each other’s work.

Resolve conflicts between you and others

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Keep calm. Anger will get in the way of dealing with differences between you and others. After all, the goal is to make peace with each other rather than retaliate. Talk respectfully, possibly through a third person if necessary, that you both need time to calm down. Agree on a time and place to talk and resolve the conflict. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Try to stay calm by remembering that the goal is to handle the conflict, not to prove your point.
Another way is to ask the other person to help you solve the problem. This will reduce the pressure on you, making you less stressed.
Trying to resolve the conflict in the heat of the moment is counterproductive. If either of you is angry, offer to pause so you can discuss the matter calmly. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

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List your concerns. Before you meet, sit down and write down exactly what issues you think are leading to conflict. Try to remove the past and personality from that list as much as possible. Think about the root of the problem and especially what you need to change.

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Let the other person speak. You can still give your point of view, but make sure the other person gets their point across. Let them talk, even if you don’t agree, because interrupting only adds to the conflict. The most important thing is to let each person say why the conflict is not the ‘correct’ solution. Finding ways to accept different points of view is at the core of the conflict resolution process. ^{[6] X Research Source}

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Make a question. If you don’t understand what the other person means, ask them again. Try to wait until the other person stops talking to avoid being understood that you are interrupting them. Don’t ask questions that are sarcastic or spiteful, as that could turn the conversation into an argument. If you find their answer or reason odd, remember that they have the same right to say that opinion as you do.

For example, a good follow-up question might be: “When did you start finding out I didn’t answer your calls?” This question simply seeks to determine the point of conflict.
An offensive question might be: “Have you tried at least some way of contacting me?” This question is intended to make the other person feel stupid and wrong. That only makes them feel offended and defensive, making it harder to resolve conflicts.

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Be creative. Try to think of as many ways to solve the problem as possible. Both of you try to think of ways to handle the conflict before you meet and continue to think about how to handle it when you meet and start talking. Let the discussion go in as many directions as possible as long as it remains calm to resolve the conflict effectively.

You may have to give up what you want. For example, the root of the disagreement might be because your friend borrowed the car without asking, and almost ruined the car. They don’t understand why you’re upset about it, lack of understanding turns into anger. The solution here is that you do not refuse if they borrow your car on the condition that they ask first and drive safely.

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Pause. If you feel that each or both of you are out of control, don’t be afraid to stop as many times as you need to. Stop every time you start to raise your voice, before saying things that hurt too much. You also need time to think about the solution or plan proposed by the other person.

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Avoid negative talk. Focus on the positives instead of saying things like: “can’t”, “don’t”, or “no”. Negative words only make conflicts harder to resolve. Ultimately, what you want the other person to accept is exactly what you want to work toward.

For example, don’t say, “I don’t like the way you borrow a car without asking.” While that’s an important aspect of the conflict, at the stage of figuring out how to handle the conflict it shows that you’re too focused on what happened.
Instead, say, “We need to agree on some rules for how to use my car if you want to continue to borrow it.” This statement offers a more appropriate solution than simply repeating what the problem is.

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Find something you can both agree on. There are conflicts that cannot be resolved with one talk. Think about what can be done with a conflict that you both agree on and agree to come back to the topic later. It may take the two sides to talk several times to resolve the conflict effectively.

For example, you might disagree about whether it’s appropriate for someone to borrow your roommate’s car without asking first. However, let’s start by agreeing that the traffic trouble they cause for your car is a hassle for both parties.

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Consider giving in. In many conflicts, no one is completely wrong, so try to find a compromise that both of you are happy with. Always try to be the ‘more tolerant’ person by finding a solution that satisfies both. However, do not let that become a competition to see who is ‘more reasonable’.

One concession might be to give one roommate priority access to the laundry room in the evenings on weekends and weekdays, and the other in the evenings on weekdays and weekends. By alternating using the washing machine, you avoid future conflicts regarding both wanting to do laundry at the same time.

Reconciling conflicts between two other people

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Think about whether you are the ideal mediator. Maybe you see yourself as a talented consultant or someone willing to listen. However, you are not necessarily the best mediator for all conflicts. Make sure you have a close but unbiased relationship with both sides.

Family members are the best mediators for sibling conflicts. Parents, older relatives, or neighbors are the people you can turn to to resolve disagreements.
Conflict at work is more sensitive because there are policy provisions to control conflicts. Often the manager or the person in charge of human resources is the right person to resolve the conflict. Study your company’s manual before acting as a formal or informal mediator.

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Ask the two of you to sit together. Tell them you want to help them resolve the disagreement. Determine a time when they can discuss the conflict together. They won’t be able to openly communicate their feelings if they don’t share the same purpose. They can identify themselves or you can suggest a time to meet.

For example, it would be easier if it was a conflict at work. The manager may tell them that work is affected and ask them to discuss the disagreement between the two.
Asking two people who are arguing to come into the room together to resolve the conflict can be more difficult. The most straightforward way is to tell each person that you want to help them discuss the problem with the other person. If it’s a very sensitive matter, you can invite them to a place to deal with it without revealing it to the other person. However, this is also a risky move.

Gene Linetsky, MS

Startup founder and technical director

Gene Linetsky is a startup founder and software engineer in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has been in the tech industry for over 30 years and is currently the Technical Director at Poynt, a technology company that makes smart Point-of-Sale devices for businesses.

Gene Linetsky, MS
Startup founder and technical director

Try to find the positive side. Gene Linetsky, business founder and software engineer, thinks conflict is sometimes a good thing. “Often people will put two people of equal skill together for the same job, so they can check each other’s work,” he said. Because of this rivalry (hopefully competition). friendly), you get much better solutions than just having one person work on the project.”

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Lead the discussion. You don’t necessarily have to control the conversation, as this can get in the way of real conflict resolution. Maybe you should consider saying a few sentences to start the discussion. And finally, they need to know that their conflict is clear in front of an unbiased eyewitness, that it is potentially dangerous. That inner truth can help you understand the nature of the conflict.

For example, you need to explain more to your children. Try talking to each child individually so they know why conflict is not beneficial or harmful. Remind them of the good times they had.
If you are dealing with a disagreement between two close friends, you can be more concise and informal. Let them know that their conflict makes those around them upset and uncomfortable. They need to talk to each other.
With conflict at work, you can list the main points that need to be resolved. If not, it can be done by telling the parties that their conflicts are affecting their performance. Review company policy to see what you need to do.

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Give the parties a chance to present. The most important part of the conflict resolution process is to allow the parties a chance to speak. Try not to interrupt them unless they become too angry or appear hostile. Expressing emotions is natural because they are releasing the tension that has been stored up for a long time. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Listen to both sides. Keep an open mind. No matter who you know is right, limiting one party by giving them little time to speak will not solve the problem. You can’t come to an agreement without listening to both sides.

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Let the two sides exchange. After stating the reason for the meeting, you will act as an impartial witness. Intervene if the discussion heats up or no one says anything. Remember, though, that this is an opportunity for both parties to speak, not you. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

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Support one side if it is reasonable. One side may be clearly wrong. It won’t be fair to the other party if you don’t admit that they’re right. This is not to say that both sides are not at fault for allowing the conflict to linger. However, there are situations when it is necessary to frankly admit that the root of a conflict is the fault of one party. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, you can show your friend that he was wrong to borrow his friend’s car without asking first.

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Offer a few concessions. After listening to the two parties involved in the conflict present, suggest solutions for them to choose the best way. Solutions must be logical, not based on your personal opinion.

For example, you can export the solutions below to your friend’s car loan dispute.
- You can stop lending him the car to avoid trouble later.
- You can continue to lend but give clear rules.
However, remember that you cannot solve the problem for them. You don’t necessarily have to have a solution if the problem is hard to deal with. For example, if one person’s spouse leaves with someone else, you won’t be able to come up with a simple solution. However, helping them to express their feelings outside can be the solution for both. ^{[10] X Research Source}

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Encourage both sides to make up with each other. You should try to help them end the conflict in a positive way. Encourage them to tell the other person that they are no longer angry. However, it is important to pay attention to their feelings. Don’t force them to shake hands or ‘make up’ when they’re not ready. That can make them angry again instead of accepting.

Try to avoid asking both parties to apologize. Just telling them to make up with each other is enough to make them say sorry on their own. For many people, saying ‘I’m sorry’ is an emotional process and they will do it when they are ready.

Steps

Determine the level of conflict

Resolve conflicts between you and others

Reconciling conflicts between two other people

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