How to Refute a Love Skillfully

Prepare yourself mentally. If you’re ready to refuse to go into a romantic relationship with someone you’ve dated a couple of times or have had a lot of contact with, you’ve probably thought about the consequences. You should make sure this guy/girl isn’t right for you, and accept that your friendship won’t be the same (or even end). Make sure you think carefully.

• Think ahead of time about what you are going to say. Don’t just say to their face “No!” but try to explain in a way that’s not too callous or cold.
• Choose words carefully. If you want, you can practice in front of a mirror or with a friend or sibling. Make sure you can convey a clear but empathetic message.
• Be prepared to adapt to the opponent’s reaction. You should not read the prepared words like reading the article, but improvise according to the situation.

Don’t hesitate. It’s natural for us to procrastinate on unpleasant things like this, but waiting only makes things worse. The longer you wait, the more your partner thinks everything is fine, making the breakup more unexpected and painful. ^{[1] [2]}

• Choose a good time – don’t choose the person’s birthday right away or the time before an important exam or job interview – but don’t wait forever for the “right time”. Act now if possible.
• If the two of you have been in a long-term relationship, the above guidelines will help, but there are certain challenges. Check out How to Break Up or How to Break Up with a Guy for more ideas.

Do it directly. Maybe you will avoid by breaking up by texting, phone, email, … but sad news like this should be conveyed directly, even in the age of technology. This is important when you are trying to keep a friendship after a breakup. Show your maturity and respect.

• Saying no face-to-face will help you see the other person’s reaction immediately—surprise, anger, or even relief—and you can adjust your behavior accordingly. ^[3]
• Find a quiet, private (or at least relatively secluded) place to talk. No one wants to be rejected in public, or overheard. If you are afraid to be alone, at least find a closed corner in a restaurant, shopping mall, club…

Have them mentally prepare themselves before speaking. When the time comes, don’t jump from the topic of how good today’s noodles are to “I think we should just be friends”.

• Let the other person loosen up with some pleasant, but moderate dialogue. You have to leave room for it to be easier to move on to more serious topics without being rude or thoughtless.
• Smoothly change the subject with sentences like “It’s nice to know you, but…”; “I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and…”; or “I’m glad we got to know each other, but…”

Be honest but be kind. It is true that you want to tell the truth. Don’t make up stories that you like another person, reconnect with an old love, or decide to join the Peace Corps. If they see you’re making up a story or then they learn the truth, things will be more awkward. ^[4]

• Tell them why you turned them down, but don’t blame them. Emphasize yourself, your needs, your feelings, and your views. “It’s not about you, it’s about you” sounds cliché, but it’s also a valuable strategy, fundamentally. ^[5]
• Instead of “I can’t be with someone who’s sloppy and messy like you,” try saying, “I’m just someone who wants an orderly and organized life.”
• Talk about how your ABC doesn’t match his/her XYZ, and say you tried, but failed.

Give them time to process the information. Don’t just reason with yourself, say goodbye and leave and leave them confused. Give the other person time to understand and respond.

• If you don’t give the other person a chance to present, they will think it’s not really over and still have hope.
• Be empathetic and allow your partner to express sadness, cry, or even vent your frustrations – but then don’t be too direct or insult them.

Be strong and don’t give up. The worst thing you can do is withdraw your breakup just because you feel guilty or don’t want to hurt your partner. You won’t say goodbye in the first place if you’re not sure what you want.

• Express regret, put your hand on their shoulder to comfort them, but don’t take back your opinion. Stay where you are, using phrases like “I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t feel comfortable myself, but this is the best thing for the two of us in the future.”
• Don’t be fooled by your opponent by pointing out holes in your argument, promising change, or misunderstanding them. You’re breaking up, not going to court.
• Don’t give them hope. Avoid saying things like you’re “not quite” ready, or trying to “be friends” (even if you want to, but it’s best to wait until later). The other party can sense your hesitation and wait for an opportunity. ^[6]

Don’t end the conversation in a tense atmosphere. Try to encourage the person and be kind. Let the other person know that they are a good person, just that you are not suitable for them, someone else will be more suitable. Thank them for the opportunity to get to know each other and wish them all the best.

Pay special attention when rejecting the affections of former friends. If you wish you were still friends, talk about how much you value your friendship, but don’t use it as the only excuse. That did not satisfy the desire of a man who had waged this friendship.

• Discuss why the things that bond you both as friends don’t work when you’re in love. For example, “I like your open-mindedness and fun, and I’m with you as an escape, but you know, I’m the kind of person who just feels secure with stability, with a plan, and that’s the thing. I need in love.
• Accept the dilemma. The conversation will be difficult, uncomfortable, especially when you say the end. Don’t make the other person think they’re the reason why you’re both in this situation (“So… this is awkward, isn’t it?). Thank them for being honest with their feelings.
• Accept that the friendship may be over. The other side has decided that they don’t want things to stay the same, so whether you like it or not, there’s no turning back. Try saying, “I’d love to stay friends, but I know you need time. I’m ready to talk again when you’re ready.”