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This article was co-written by Susan Pazak, PhD. Dr. Susan Pazak is a licensed clinical psychologist and professional life coach. With more than 21 years of experience, she specializes in supporting adolescents and adults with cognitive behavioral therapy, symptom reduction skills, and behavior modification techniques. She has been featured in numerous media publications including “My Strange Addiction.” Dr. Pazak holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology with a minor in Communication from the University of Pittsburgh, and a master’s degree in Forest Psychology. Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.
There are 21 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
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No matter what age you are, whatever your background, how great your skills and factors are, you will never be too old, too beautiful, too smart to be denied. The only way to guarantee that you will never be rejected is to never try to do something and not interact with anyone else. However, this is not a good way to live, so at some point you will encounter rejection. Common situations where you might be rejected include in love, work, study, sports, or business. But remember that you don’t have to allow rejection to destroy you! Overcoming rejection doesn’t mean you have to deny it or pretend it’s okay – it’s about learning how to deal with the problem and move on in life.
Steps
Overcoming the Initial Pain
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You need to understand that pain is natural. Feeling pain after rejection is a natural human response to common physiological and emotional causes. Scientific research has shown that experiencing unexpected rejection can actually trigger a variety of physical symptoms: emotional pain activates neurons in the brain similar to when you experience it. physical pain. [1] X Source of Research In fact, rejection can literally make you feel like a “broken heart” because it activates your sympathetic nervous system, which responsible for managing many things such as your heart rate. [2] X Research Source
- Experiencing rejection in a romantic relationship, such as a heartbreaking breakup, can trigger a response similar to that of drug withdrawal in the brain. [3] X Research Sources
- According to some studies, people suffering from depression may have a harder time dealing with feelings of rejection. Because depression blocks the body’s production of opioids, or natural pain relievers, rejection can potentially lead to more profound and lasting damage to someone who is depressed than someone who doesn’t. This. [4] X Research Sources
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Allow yourself to feel sad. Rejection causes real pain, both emotionally and physically. Denying or suppressing the pain – for example, denying the pain of being rejected by your top university by saying “no big deal” – can actually make matters worse. worse in the future. [5] X Research Source You need to acknowledge that pain is normal in order for you to work through it.
- Often, society promotes “being tough” or “repressing emotions” excessively as if accepting and expressing your true feelings would make you look like an inferior person. However, this is not true. People who try to control their emotions instead of allowing themselves to see it will have more difficulty solving problems, and may continue to develop other negative emotions.
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Express your own feelings. Expressing your feelings will help you accept that you are going through something quite painful. [6] X Source Rejection can lead to feelings of disappointment, abandonment, and loss, and you may have to go through an initial grieving phase to deal with the opposite of hope. your hope. [7] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source Do not belittle or suppress your feelings.
- Cry if you want. Crying can actually reduce feelings of anxiety, restlessness, and irritability. It can also ease the body’s stress levels. And so, real men (and women) can cry – and should. [8] X Research Sources
- Try not to scream, or punch or kick something. Scientific research has shown that even expressing anger through hostility toward an inanimate object, such as a pillow, can actually increase anger. for you. [9] X Trusted Source Association for Psychpogical Science Go to the source It’s better to write about your feelings, looking back at why you’re feeling angry. [10] X Research Source
- Expressing your feelings through a creative element such as painting, music, or poetry can be quite helpful. However, you should try to stay away from things that are too sad or frustrating, as they can make your feelings worse. [11] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
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Consider your own feelings. It would be nice to be able to understand the ‘why’ you feel upset after experiencing rejection. Do you feel disappointed that someone was chosen to join the team instead of you? Do you feel pain when the person you have a crush on doesn’t have feelings for you? Do you feel useless because your application was rejected? Thinking about your own feelings will help you better understand how to deal with them. [12] X Trusted Source TeensHealth Go to Source
- Use this opportunity to consider the potential reasons behind the rejection. This doesn’t mean you have to criticize yourself; It’s about doing the right analysis of what you want to do differently in the future. No matter what excuses you find – such as staying away from narcissistic people, turning in your homework on time, or working out harder – they can provide you with a practical foundation to build on. take action instead of focusing on the nature of the rejection.
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Follow the truth. It’s fairly easy to lower one’s self-esteem after being rejected if the rejection is a fairly private matter, such as emotional rejection. However, when you consider your own feelings and thoughts, you should try to keep your statement as real as possible.
- For example, instead of saying, “The girl I like refused to go to the prom with me because I’m fat and ugly,” stick to what you really ‘know’: The girl I like doesn’t want to go to the year-end prom with me.” It’s still rejection, and it still hurts, but the second mindset will help you avoid shaming or criticizing yourself for being unhealthy.
- Rejection can actually lower your IQ. [13] X Research Source So, if you’re having a hard time thinking through your emotions, you shouldn’t feel too bad about it – it’s completely out of your control.
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Avoid scolding others. Because rejection is quite painful, many people often respond to pain by becoming angry and/or berating others. This action can be a way for the person to try to reassert control or to get others’ attention. However, this can expose you to more rejection and isolation, so while it’s fairly easy to become angry and aggressive after being rejected, try not to be like that. So. [14] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
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Take ibuprofen or acetaminophen. It may be hard to believe, but scientific research has shown that emotional pain is similar to physical pain. Because of this, using a low-dose over-the-counter pain reliever such as Advil or Tylenp for 3 weeks has been shown to reduce the impact of emotional pain caused by rejection. . [15] X Research Source
- You should only take over-the-counter pain relievers and should not take more than the prescribed dose. You want to treat your pain, not form another addiction.
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Stay healthy. Eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. Alcohol or other dangerous substances should not be used as self-treatment. [16] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source Regular exercise releases the body’s natural pain relievers, called opioids, so whenever you feel so overwhelmed that If you want to explode, go for a walk, bike ride, swim, or do another activity you love. [17] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
- When you feel anger at rejection, try redirecting this energy into a slightly more “violent” physical activity such as jogging, kick boxing, taekwondo, or karate.
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Friend meeting. Feeling disconnected is the biggest side effect of rejection. You should connect with people who love and support you. Scientific research has shown that having fun, healthy interactions with someone you love can improve your body’s ability to heal. Getting emotional acceptance from friends and family can help you work through the pain of rejection. [18] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
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Be happy. Distract yourself from painful thoughts and find ways to wallow in the things that make you feel better. Watch a funny show, listen to parody music on a podcast, or go to the cinema to watch a comedy. While joy won’t heal your broken heart right away, it will help reduce anger and boost your positive emotions. [19] X Research Source
- Laughter is especially important after rejection because it stimulates the release of chemicals known as endorphins, which induce feelings of positivity and well-being. Laughter can even increase physical pain tolerance! [20] X Research Sources
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Share your feelings about rejection with someone you trust. This person could be your best friend, sibling, parent, or therapist. Let them know what happened and how you feel about it. They will likely share with you their own experiences with rejection and what they did to deal with it; this is quite useful for you to learn. [21] X Research Source
Overcome Rejection
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Practice self-compassion. Rejection can take a toll on your self-esteem, causing you to torment yourself with small mistakes or believe that you will never be able to become happy or successful. Practicing self-compassion can help you learn to accept mistakes and failures as a part of life, rather than obsessing over them. [22] X Research Sources Self-compassion includes three basic elements: [23] X Research Sources
- Be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself means developing the same kindness and self-understanding as you would towards a loved one. It doesn’t mean you need to make excuses for your mistakes or ignore your problems, it’s that you need to admit that you’re not perfect. Loving yourself will also allow you to love others more.
- Universal human nature. Being aware of universal human nature means acknowledging that negative experiences, including rejection, are a part of human life and need not be your fault. Understanding this can help you overcome rejection and help you realize that rejection is not from anyone.
- Mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness means nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance of one’s experience. Practicing mindfulness through meditation can help you process a negative emotion without focusing too much on it.
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Avoid personalizing the rejection. It is quite easy for us to see rejection as a self-affirmation of our own greatest fear: that we are not good at something, that we are not worthy of love, that we will never be able to succeed. However, learning how to avoid personalizing rejection can help you learn positive lessons from the issue and make you feel less bad. [24] X Research Sources
- Don’t “exaggerate the problem”. Exaggerating the problem simply means overreacting to the mistakes or failures you’ve made while ignoring your positive qualities. If you are rejected while applying for a job, this does not mean that you will never be able to find another job and will end up living in a box under some bridge. If you receive negative feedback about an essay or a job, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and improve. Exaggerating the problem will make it impossible for you to see that you can learn and grow from your experience – even from the most negative experiences such as rejection.
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Make a list of your positive traits. Rejection will often discourage you, and the negative voice in your head will grow stronger and stronger – if you allow it. To combat the urge to find problems in yourself, be proactive and make a list of all of your wonderful, positive, and powerful traits. Many studies have shown that when you consciously remind yourself that you are worth and deserve to be loved, not only can you overcome rejection more easily, you can also develop the ability to ability to quickly recover in the face of future rejection. [25] X Research Sources
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See rejection as it really is. It is a change in what you hope to receive, often unexpected and unexpected. But it is also an opportunity for you to shift your point of view into a more useful direction. Although it can be painful to go through, rejection can teach you how to develop strength and focus your energy effectively. [26] X Research Source
- For example, if you’re going through an emotional breakup, the person who doesn’t want to be your intimate partner has made it clear that you two won’t be able to stick around for long in the future. Although this rejection hurts, it’s better to acknowledge it early than to put your love on someone and realize later that the two will never be compatible.
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Let time heal the pain. This quote is for good reason – time heals because after a while, you get a bigger picture. You may also have the opportunity to develop yourself, and this will help you to see things in a different light. It will be difficult to get over the pain, but with time you will be able to realize that the things that you have lost are not yours. [27] X Research Source
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Learn something new. Learning how to do something you’ve always wanted to do will help you feel successful, and this can help heal your damaged confidence. Learning something new such as cooking, playing the guitar, or learning a new language can also help improve your mood.
- You might also consider doing another activity such as assertiveness training. Sometimes people have to accept rejection because they don’t understand how to express their desires and needs. You will probably find that learning to be more assertive about what you want and need will help lower your chances of being rejected. [28] X Research Sources
- There will be times when you feel self-doubt when you have to try something new. You should proceed slowly to avoid confusing yourself. If you decide to fix many parts of your life, at times, you will feel like you are inexperienced and this leads to erratic emotions. You should try to work through this feeling and realize that the “beginner’s mind” is actually quite a positive state, and that you are open to a new way of perceiving things.
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Reward yourself. “Shopping therapy” can work for you. For example, research has shown that when you go shopping, you can visualize how the things you buy will fit into your new life. Buying a flattering outfit or getting a new haircut can boost your confidence. [29] X Research Sources
- Shopping should not be used as comfort for your pain, or simply to cover up a problem you have to deal with. Also, don’t spend too much money, or else you will increase your stress level. However, rewarding yourself with a few items will boost your morale, especially as it sets you on a new path towards brighter things.
Stay Strong
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You need to remember that not everyone is right for you. If your rejections revolve around something quite personal, such as a breakup or not being accepted to a sports team, it’s easy to see them as an affirmation that you’re incompetent. However, by becoming comfortable with yourself and remembering that there are quite a few people in the world who are not right for you, you will be able to accept their rejection and move on without thinking too much. about it. Remember: the more you love yourself, the less you have to rely on for approval from others. [30] X Research Source
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Practice accepting rejection in a low-risk environment. Putting yourself in a situation where you have to experience rejection without major negative consequences or being personally biased can help you understand that rejection often has nothing to do with your personality. [31] X Research Source
- For example, asking for something that you’re sure you’ll get rejected (but it’s not that important to you) can help you deal with rejection.
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Don’t stop taking risks. People who have experienced rejection may develop a risk-averse personality that stops them from trying or approaching others because they allow fear to take control of their thoughts. Staying positive and hopeful is important in the face of rejection. [32] X Research Source
- For example, if you’re chatting with a friend and you feel rejected in some way, you can “avoid” the conversation to protect yourself from getting hurt. While this will help relieve the initial discomfort, it also causes you to disconnect from the other person, and this can actually make matters worse. [33] X Research Sources
- You need to remember: you will be 100% rejected before the opportunity you do not try to find.
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Expect to succeed (but understand that you may not get it either). This balance is quite difficult to achieve, but it is very important in keeping your mind healthy after rejection. Scientific research has shown that whether you believe you will fail or succeed will affect your efforts to achieve your goals, and this can impact your performance. . Believing that you will succeed can help you to try harder. [34] X Research Source
- However, it is important to remember that your view of success does not determine your true success, only if you put in the effort to make it happen. You still have the potential to fail (and at some point in your life, it really does) to something that you feel pretty good about and have tried your best. me.
- Understanding that you can only control your action, not its outcome, will help you eliminate personalizing rejection when it occurs. [35] X Research Source You should know that rejection is a possibility, but you should do your best no matter the outcome.
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Practice forgiveness. When you feel hurt and disappointed by rejection, the last thing that comes to your mind will be to forgive the person who made you feel this way. However, trying to empathize with the person can help you deal with your feelings. Try to think about why the person answered “no”. Often, you will realize that their actions have nothing to do with you. [36] X Trusted Source TeensHealth Go to Source
Advice
- Keep this quote from basketball legend Michael Jordan in your mind: “I have missed 9,000 pitches in my career. I lost almost 300 matches. Twenty-six times I’ve been tasked with pitching the team’s victory and I’ve missed. I keep failing in life. And that’s why I’m successful.” [37] X Research Source
- Not every rejection is fair. For example, if you believe that you have been rejected by a company to hire you because of racism, you have every right to take legal action to make things right.
- Research has shown that if you stay positive and approach other people and situations with the hope of gaining acceptance, you will be able to get it. This doesn’t mean you’ll never face rejection, but it does mean that your attitude can really affect how others treat you. [38] X Research Source
Warning
- You should process your emotions, but don’t get too wrapped up in them. Obsessed with negative emotions can prevent you from recovering.
- Don’t get angry or aggressive, even if you’re in pain. Yelling at others may feel better for a while, but in the end, it will cause you and your partner more pain.
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This article was co-written by Susan Pazak, PhD. Dr. Susan Pazak is a licensed clinical psychologist and professional life coach. With more than 21 years of experience, she specializes in supporting adolescents and adults with cognitive behavioral therapy, symptom reduction skills, and behavior modification techniques. She has been featured in numerous media publications including “My Strange Addiction.” Dr. Pazak holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology with a minor in Communication from the University of Pittsburgh, and a master’s degree in Forest Psychology. Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.
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No matter what age you are, whatever your background, how great your skills and factors are, you will never be too old, too beautiful, too smart to be denied. The only way to guarantee that you will never be rejected is to never try to do something and not interact with anyone else. However, this is not a good way to live, so at some point you will encounter rejection. Common situations where you might be rejected include in love, work, study, sports, or business. But remember that you don’t have to allow rejection to destroy you! Overcoming rejection doesn’t mean you have to deny it or pretend it’s okay – it’s about learning how to deal with the problem and move on in life.
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