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This article was co-written by Jessica George, MA, CHt. Jessica George is a professional life coach and co-founder of Evpve Therapy Coaching in Glendale, California. With over 20 years of experience, she specializes in a combination of therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnosis. Jessica holds a bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan University. She also holds the Fowler Institute Professional Life Coach certification and the Infinite Potential in Relationships certification. Jessica is a member of the International Council for Trainers and Practitioners (IBCP).
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Every relationship takes effort on both sides, but improving it doesn’t have to be a complicated process. Just know how to communicate more effectively and change the way you treat each other and your love will go from sweet to wonderful.
Steps
Improve communication
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Don’t take his presence for granted. If the two of you have been in love for a long time, it is normal to treat each other like this. This is one of the biggest challenges in a relationship, but don’t let it destroy your love. [1] X Research Source
- During the week, show him the things you love about him. For example, it’s his ability to realize you just had a bad day and he’ll bring you a pizza and a movie. Maybe it was his volleyball talent. Whatever you love him for, think about them. Once in a while, tell him how great he is. That’s a great idea too.
- However, don’t overdo it and become too clingy. Constantly checking everything he does to see if he is “truly” in love with you will be frustrating and stressful for both of you. If he says he loves you, and his actions show it (sometimes, people can make mistakes), just believe him.
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Be a good listener. Sometimes it’s easy to “distract” from the conversation, especially when you don’t like him very much, or you’re distracted by your own problems. Learn to recognize when you lose focus and practice “active listening”. Your partner will feel more respected and acknowledged, and you may also learn things you didn’t know. [2] X Research Sources[3] X Research Sources
- Repeat and clarify what you just heard. This step can save you a lot of trouble, especially when the two of you are talking about a love story. Instead of guessing about what you just heard, repeat it and ask clearly: “Okay, let me say it again and see if it’s true. Did you just say… Right?”. Then let him explain if there’s something you don’t understand.
- Mobilize. This will show that you really care about what he has to say. Ask questions like “Then what happened?”, or “What did you do?”. You can nod your head and show your agreement by saying “Ah ha” or “Yes”.
- Summarize the story. When you have just heard a long story, summarize the main points. This will show that you’re listening, and give him a chance to correct or respond: “So I’m worried that tomorrow is going to be a stressful day at the office, so I want tomorrow night.” I’m coming over to pick you up and we’re going to play video games, right?”
- These skills are not only effective in love. They can improve the way you communicate with anyone.
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Ask. Don’t just ask questions like “What did you do today?” or “What do you want to eat?”. Ask probing and meaningful questions to make the story more interesting. It will encourage both parties to share their feelings and thoughts more. Many studies show that when you ask more intimate questions, your relationship will improve and you will feel like you are in love. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, when your boyfriend is talking about a problem with one of his subjects, ask probing questions like: “What if I did this back then… what would happen?”
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Avoid blaming. Sayings that focus on “you” and have the nature of digging up “cause” will cause many problems. [5] X Research Sources Those statements sound like blame, causing the other person to lose interest and respond defensively to you. [6] X Research Sources
- For example, you shouldn’t ask questions like this: “Why do you always forget to come pick me up?”. Sounds like you’re really angry or accusing him.
- Instead, use sentences that focus on “you”. You can ask informational questions. For example: “I feel sad because you didn’t come pick me up as promised. Did something happen to you that you couldn’t come?” This sentence is not incriminating (as long as you don’t mock him), it will give him a sense of how you feel and a chance to express his feelings.
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Don’t preach. Leave preaching to the priests. People tend to like to advise others, especially in a relationship. Offer advice if and only when asked. Otherwise, counseling could be seen as offensive, dogmatic, or a lack of confidence in the other person’s abilities. [7] X Research Sources
- Sometimes, when someone asks for advice, what they really need is a good listener and understanding. If you think your boyfriend is like that, ask him, “Do you need someone to listen to you or someone to deal with this?” [8] X Research Sources
- Stay away from the word “should”. No one likes being told “You should do this” or “You must do this”. They will either feel silly or that you are a bigot. Instead, ask questions like “What about ____?” or “Have you tried ____?”
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Forget about right and wrong. This is really difficult. At times, we all love being recognized as “right”. However, in many cases, there is no clear “right” or “wrong” thing. Don’t start a conversation with your boyfriend like starting a battle. [9] X Research Source[10] X Research Source
- That doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to express your feelings and thoughts. Remember that he “also” has the right to express them. Emotions are not “right” or “wrong”. They are just feelings. What the two of you can control is how you respond to those feelings. [11] X Research Source
- For example, imagine him coming up to you and saying you embarrassed him in front of his friends. You may feel that it’s not cool, but acknowledge his feelings: “I’m sorry to embarrass you.” Then you could explain: “I didn’t know that would make you feel that way. I will never do that again.”
- If you make him feel defensive, he won’t listen to your arguments anymore. If you acknowledge his feelings first, and explain to him at the appropriate time, he will feel respected and will easily accept that you didn’t mean anything bad.
- Not trying to distinguish “right from wrong” doesn’t mean you’re an easy compromiser. If you really feel like there’s something important, talk about it. Just remember to listen to the other person’s point of view as well. Maybe compromise would be the best solution.
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Talk about hidden secrets. If the two of you don’t share intimate things, and sometimes even your inner thoughts, needs, and feelings, your relationship could be in trouble. [12] X Research Sources Many studies show that couples who are not open to each other about their feelings and needs are not as secure and happy as couples who do. [13] X Research Sources Many studies also show that couples who do not communicate openly and honestly with each other often feel insecure about their relationship. [14] X Research Source
- Never assume your best friend or lover’s feelings are “silly” or “childish”. That would kill trust. Both of you need to feel safe sharing your fears with each other.
- Don’t hide your feelings to appear “stronger”. Suppressing or covering up your feelings will lead to resentment and hurt your relationship. [15] X Research Source
- When he talks to you, show he’s listening and understanding by saying something like, “I really appreciate your desire to share” or “I heard you say you’re scared because ____”. Those words of recognition and openness will make him feel like you’re a trustworthy person. [16] X Research Source
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Stay away from the “passive-aggressive” attitude. Passive-aggressive behaviors are often the opposite of direct and open communication, and it soon kills a relationship. It often stems from anger or hurt. You may feel like “punishing” him if he upsets you, but it’s healthier (and more effective) to talk about it. There are many types of passive aggression in a relationship, but here are a few that you should look out for: [17] X Source of Research[18] X Source of Research
- “Forget” to do something. One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors in a relationship is “forgetting” to do something we don’t want to do. You may “forget” to buy movie tickets because you don’t want to go to the movies. He may “forget” the celebration if you upset him. This type of behavior will hurt both parties.
- Want one thing, say another. Irony is the fastest way to hurt others. Sometimes, people use passive-aggressive statements to indirectly express their displeasure or displeasure. For example, if your boyfriend forgets that you two had an appointment on Friday night, and he already bought tickets to the sports, a passive-aggressive response would look something like this: “No, why are you angry? ? I love it when you forget the things that are important to me. Just go and watch sports.” Instead of expressing his feelings frankly, this way of speaking will make him wary and confused (many people really can’t understand the meaning of sarcastic statements).
- Play the “cold war” game. When you’re upset or hurt, you can ignore or pretend you didn’t hear what he said. This type of behavior also causes a lot of damage because it will destroy all efforts to start a conversation, and can make both of you feel less like talking to each other. If you need time to calm down – which is very natural and healthy – say it out loud: “I’m really upset and don’t want to say anything right now. Give me about an hour, and we’ll talk later.”
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Pay attention to your body language. Non-verbal communication – gestures and body language – says more than words. Pay attention to your language. It can send different messages than you intended. [19] X Research Source
- Don’t cross your arms and relax them. Crossing your arms over your chest makes you seem very defensive or closed off.
- Eye contact. Avoiding eye contact shows the other person that you’re not interested or aren’t listening to what he’s saying. Try to make eye contact at least 50% of the time talking, and 70% while listening. [20] X Trusted Source Michigan State University Extension Go to Source
- Avoid using finger gestures. This action is accusing or threatening
- Always turn towards the person you are talking to. Turning away or leaning to the side shows that you are not interested in the story.
Build love through action
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Technology aside. We live in a flat world, but ironically, it’s easier to keep you and your boyfriend apart. The two of you won’t be able to really communicate with each other if you’re glued to your phone and computer. Spend some time with just the two of you: no phones, no computers, no video games. [21] X Research Source
- You may be holding your phone without even realizing it. If this is your problem, leave your phone somewhere else, for example, in a box by the door, whenever it’s time for your “non-tech time”.
- If you don’t live together, besides texting, call or use Skype. In communication, there are expressions through voice, gestures, and facial expressions that text messages cannot convey [22] X Research Source Try to chat with each other for a few minutes a day in a friendly way . This will help the two of you connect and make him want to continue to maintain the same intimacy as before.
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Adjust your schedule. Remember when you first started dating, every date was something new? You were so excited to meet each other that you couldn’t wait for the appointment time. If the two of you have already entered the “trail” of love, change the way you live to make both of you more interested in being together. [23] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- Try new things. New things, whether it’s a new restaurant or a new hobby, will help the two of you bond more when experiencing together. It will also enrich your “entertainment capital”.
- Improve current operations. For example, if the two of you enjoy watching a movie together, see what you can do to make it more enjoyable. See if the cinema is still showing your favorite movie. You can also participate in outdoor movie watching activities in the summer. Join a dinner with movies or karaoke. Cook a dinner themed for the next movie you’re about to see (like “Goodfellas” and eating pasta, for example).
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Find things you both enjoy doing. Those things don’t have to be big things. Even just doing homework together at a coffee shop will do. Spending quality time together will help you bond.
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Give your boyfriend some time on his own. Relationships are at their best when you both maintain your own interests and spend time alone with your friends. [24] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to the source Both of you need to have some time apart. No one likes being followed or stalked all day long.
- This action shows that you trust him. If you let him know that he’s earned your trust, he won’t lose it easily. If you don’t trust him, he will most likely betray you out of anger when you do. [25] X Research Sources
- No matter how much you love each other, you can never satisfy each other’s needs. Spending time with friends and other hobbies will keep you both happy, healthy, and open. It also makes the time you spend together that much more special.
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Personalize gifts and outings. Especially if your boyfriend likes to receive gifts or surprises, the fact that you do something special for them will show that you know him better than anyone, and you care about each other’s needs. His hobby.
- Does your boyfriend like sports? Does he like feeling euphoric? Let’s go to a football or basketball game together. Or take him to an amusement park to ride a roller coaster for 3 hours.
- Is your boyfriend a romantic? Do you understand his feelings? Give him poetry books by Nguyen Phong Viet or Luong Dinh Khoa, remember to write on the cover a romantic sentence like: “The love in every word of this poem is for you. Love you with all my heart”.
- Does your boyfriend like outdoor activities? Take him on a picnic and sleep in a sleeping bag together. You can also go with him to see the aquarium or visit the national park.
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Leave messages in his lunch bag or shirt pocket. If your boyfriend likes motivational quotes (you can read more about “The Five Languages of Love”), leave him a note. Whether they’re simple, funny, or even a little quirky, they’ll show you care. [26] X Research Sources
- Write messages that make him feel most comfortable. If he gets annoyed with the quick talk, leave a cute funny message. If he likes intimate displays of affection, tell him how much he means to you.
- People often get used to the fun things in life very quickly. This phenomenon is called “responsive hedonic”. You shouldn’t leave so many messages that they lose all meaning. Even good things should not be too much. [27] X Research Source
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There are emotional gestures. This is especially important if he sees “body-touch” gestures as an expression of love. Don’t do anything to embarrass him, but let him know that he’s adorable.
- See what your boyfriend likes. Maybe he likes it when you nibble on his neck, or maybe he hates it. Knowing what he likes and getting him excited will help you know how to show your affection appropriately.
- Wearing “sexy” clothes when you are with him will make your love more interesting. Find out what he finds hot and do something special every once in a while. He will be more than happy to reciprocate your feelings.
- Remember that in addition to “love stories”, there are many other intimate gestures to show your love. Try holding hands, hugging, and caressing too. Having many ways to show love to one another is a good thing.
- Don’t get mad if he doesn’t like the same emotional gestures as you do. Each one is different. [28] X Research Sources
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Go out with his friends once in a while. It’s important that you both have your own interests and friends, but your bond will also be strengthened if you hang out with each other’s group of friends. [29] X Research Sources
- A common problem when you’re in a new relationship is this: you hang out with your boyfriend more than you do with your group of friends. This will make your friends feel left out, and it will strain the relationship. Introduce your boyfriend to your friends by asking him out once in a while. Sometimes, you should hang out with his group of friends, too.
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Dating somewhere to relax and chat. For example, the two of you can enjoy a quiet dinner and let him know how much he means to you. Let him share his views and feelings. Really listen to what he has to say, but make a few comments to keep the conversation flowing. Ask for a few points if necessary.
- Make dates that he likes. Think of activities that can bring the two of you closer together: boating, hiking, going to the zoo, traveling by train, going on a picnic, etc.
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Enjoy a full day together. Please take a day off from school/work. Let’s do something unexpected together like compose a song and record it. Enjoy your freedom day even if it’s only for one day, and live like you only have one day left to love. [30] X Research Source
- Let’s create memories together to review later. Scientific studies show that reviewing happy memories will help you two bond more. [31] X Research Source
Get to know your boyfriend better
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Learn to give and receive in love. According to psychologist Gary Chapman, people have “love languages” that they use to express their feelings and receive other people’s expressions of affection. Understanding each other’s love language will help you know how to express your feelings in a way that makes him feel most receptive. If you and him have different love languages and don’t understand each other, the relationship will be quite strained. [32] X Research Source
- According to psychologist Chapman, the five types of love languages include: “Words of encouragement”, “Careful attention”, “Gifts”, “Close time” and “Closing cuddles”. [33] X Research Sources
- “Words of encouragement” include compliments, encouragement, or “expression” of your feelings.
- “Careful consideration” includes doing small daily tasks that the other person might not like to do.
- “Gifts” are gifts or objects to express love, such as flowers.
- “Intimacy time” is the time you spend with your partner without anything interrupting or distracting.
- “Cuddles and caresses” are gestures of touch, including hugging or making love.
- The way to capture those languages is to share them with each other. That way, if your boyfriend prefers “Cuddles” to “Gifts,” you will know how to show him your love in a way he can accept. Similarly, if your boyfriend knows that “Gift” is your love language, he won’t be flustered whenever he sees that you don’t consider him taking out the trash as an expression of love.
- Remember these things to always catch the right signals of love that you normally don’t recognize.
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Balance intimacy, attachment, and passion. These are the three elements of Robert Sternberg’s theory of love. Although psychologists have different views, in general, romantic “love” is something that makes you feel close and attached to a particular object. Passion, or lust is something that belongs to lust, you can feel it with one person or more. In relationships, lust is an inciting feeling: when you see someone attractive, you get the urge to pursue that person. Love takes time to become strong and strong. [34] X Research Source
- In relationships, it’s normal to feel emotional ups and downs. During the early stages of love, – often referred to as the “honeymoon” phase – desire is at its peak: both of you can’t be separated and you’re almost obsessed with the other’s charms. . [35] X Research Sources That’s great, but this phase will naturally end as the two of you spend more time together and get to know each other better. [36] X Research Source
- After the initial desires have faded, you will feel you have idealized your partner due to the high activity of brain chemicals. [37] X Research Source As the excitement wears off, you’ll begin to notice things that annoy you, like the way he flosses in front of you or goes shopping for things differently than you do. This is normal. This is where “love” comes in. Love will give you the patience to let go of those little annoyances because you really have feelings for him.
- That doesn’t mean the lust will disappear after a few months of dating. Take the time to discover what makes the two of you feel so stimulated. Let’s exchange sexual needs with each other. Do interesting and fun things together.
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Know that everyone has a different way of communicating. The book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is a universal truth, but the truth is often much more complicated than in the books. Even people of the same sex have different ways of communicating. Whether you’re gay or straight, if you ever feel like you and your partner don’t speak the same language, it’s because the two of you have different communication styles. There’s no better way to communicate than another, but it helps if the two of you understand each other’s ways of communicating. [38] X Research Sources[39] X Research Sources
- Some are in the “collaborative” communication group. Collaborative people like to ask other people’s opinions. They like to collaborate and may perceive dissent and defiance as expressions of aggression and aggression. If you like to hear many opinions, avoid conflict, agree to solve all problems and often voice your opinion, then you are a member of the “collaborative” group.
- Some are in the “competitive” communication group. They tend to be outspoken, assertive and accept any challenge. They like to gather information and make their own decisions. They like to be responsible for themselves. If you usually speak your mind out loud, feel normal to have conflicts, and like to make your own decisions, you’re in the “competitive” communication group.
- Everyone can have a different level of candor. There are some people who are comfortable with frank communication, such as saying “I want us to be together more”. Some people like to talk in a roundabout way, such as “It’s nice to be together. Too bad we don’t do more of that.” Both ways of communication are fine, as the case may be. It is important that you both know how to listen and ask clearly what you do not understand.
- If the two of you have two different ways of communicating, that doesn’t mean your relationship will end anytime soon. It just makes sense: you need to know that those differences will cause tension, and the two of you need to be really soft and compromise.
Advice
- Look at yourself and your behavior. We can only change ourselves, not others.
- Learn to be self-respecting and confident. We can only accept another when we are really happy with ourselves.
- Show that you trust and love him with your actions. Make your actions match your words.
- Say what you think, and be honest. No one knows how to read other people’s minds.
- Resolve disagreements as quickly as possible to avoid resentment building up over time. Don’t let the little thing make it big.
- When you’re with him, just be yourself.
- Say “I love you” every once in a while.
- Let him know that he always has you by his side.
- Don’t get mad and interrogate him if he’s hanging out with people you don’t like.
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This article was co-written by Jessica George, MA, CHt. Jessica George is a professional life coach and co-founder of Evpve Therapy Coaching in Glendale, California. With over 20 years of experience, she specializes in a combination of therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnosis. Jessica holds a bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan University. She also holds the Fowler Institute Professional Life Coach certification and the Infinite Potential in Relationships certification. Jessica is a member of the International Council for Trainers and Practitioners (IBCP).
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Every relationship takes effort on both sides, but improving it doesn’t have to be a complicated process. Just know how to communicate more effectively and change the way you treat each other and your love will go from sweet to wonderful.
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