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This article was co-written by Fernando Campos. Fernando Campos is a marriage and family therapist and founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has more than 11 years of experience and specializes in providing telehealth, individual therapy, couple emotional counseling, youth therapy, and family therapy programs. He is a community educator on topics such as abuse and trauma in love, anger management, family interactions, and alternative education counselors. He has received training in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution Focused Therapy and BSFT (Brief Strategies Family Therapy). Fernando holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
This article has been viewed 264,993 times.
Loving a married person can be a very painful experience. That man seems like a desirable lover, but circumstances do not please you. When you’re in love with a married man, it’s important that you process your emotions as you may experience varying degrees of pain, jealousy, and happiness. Besides, you also need to set limits to protect yourself and your needs. Since this relationship can only be temporary, it’s important that you look forward to a happy future, whether it includes the man you love or not.
Steps
Take care of your emotions
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Honestly share with him how you feel if you’re feeling distressed. Depending on how this tumultuous affair began, he may not realize you’re in love. Maybe you are in a lot of pain when you love a man who does not reciprocate your love. Tell him how you are feeling and what you want. This can help you decide to either move on with him, or know that it’s time to let go and move on. [1] X Research Source
- You might say, “I know you and I were just having fun at first, but I fell in love with you. I want to talk to you about our future.”
- It’s likely that he’ll resent you for telling the truth. Although this is hard to accept, you will get over it. If he reacts negatively, call a friend to comfort him.
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Don’t try to compete with his wife. When you know your man is with someone else, it may be your natural reaction to want to get ahead of him. However, no matter how much you try to be superior to his wife, it is unlikely to get him to leave her, and on the contrary it will probably only make you more unhappy. Instead, focus on showing your best self and doing the things that matter to you. If it is fate, he will love you for yourself and not for anything else. [2] X Research Source
- Don’t follow his wife on social media or ask friends to track her down. Don’t ask him what the other wife is doing either.
- When you find yourself with questions like “Why did he choose her?”, you should try to focus on the good things you have in life. Tell yourself, “I just had a great weekend,” “I just got a raise,” or “I have good friends.”
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Forgive yourself for falling in love with a married man if you feel guilty. You may feel guilty for falling in love with a married man. This is normal, but if you keep beating yourself up, things can’t get any better. Tell yourself that you just want to love and deserve to be happy. [3] X Research Sources
- You can say to yourself, “How can I control who I love? I deserve love, so I won’t feel guilty for loving someone who’s not single.”
- Write yourself a letter of forgiveness and destroy it. This can help you work through your emotions.
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Talk to a psychotherapist if you are struggling with this situation. You may feel a lot of stress, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, a therapist can help you process your emotions and change your mind. Plus, they can help you determine what’s best for your future and pursue your goals. [4] X Research Sources
- If you feel like you have no support around, a therapist may be the solution. They will focus on what’s best for you without judgment.
- You can ask your GP to recommend a therapist or search online. Psychotherapy may be covered by health insurance. Check your insurance to see what benefits you have.
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Find a trusted friend to confide in without feeling judged. When you fall in love with a married man, you will probably experience many conflicting emotions. You may feel happy because you have found love, but you will face many difficulties because that person has a family. Find a friend who is willing to support you during this time to help you through your emotions. [5] X Research Sources
- You can say, “I really want to talk about my love life, but not everyone understands. Can I trust you?”
Set limits
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Keep your relationship private. When you’re dating a married man, it’s important to keep everything private to avoid hurting people. Talk to the man you love to see if you can share with friends or on social media. In addition, you also need to be careful when going to public places. [6] X Research Sources
- If your affair is discovered, the situation can become complicated. Furthermore, it can lead to injury.
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Avoid changing plans just because he wants to see you. When dating married men, you need to understand that they often put family first, and this means it can be difficult to plan. However, your time is just as valuable as his, and you deserve to be respected. Don’t change his plans when he suddenly wants to spend time with you. Make it clear that you want him to make arrangements with you in advance. [7] X Research Sources
- Say “I miss you too! But tonight, I already have an appointment with Phuong, so let’s meet another day. I have work to do, too.”
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Determine what is acceptable and what is not. Dating a married man can be very complicated. You may feel like you have to accept what he has to offer, but you deserve love and care. Think about what you value, what you need to feel safe, and tell your man. [8] X Research Sources
- For example, maybe you want him to talk to you every day, be with you on your birthday, and make plans with you.
- Maybe you want him to start the divorce proceedings.
- You can’t force him to do whatever you want, but you can set limits on what is and isn’t acceptable. If he’s not willing to respect those limits, you need to redefine if the relationship is worth continuing.
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Let him know what you expect from this relationship and set a deadline. Depending on your personal goals, maybe you want him to eventually marry you, or maybe you just don’t care about getting married. But because you love him, maybe you hope for a future for the two of you. Talk to him about the future you’re envisioning, then set a specific deadline for what you’re looking forward to so he can’t keep you waiting. [9] X Research Source
- If you want him to leave his wife for you, you could say, “You said you were the one I’ve always wanted. I also want to be with you. If we continue like this, I want you to start the divorce proceedings in 3 months so we can get married by the end of next year.”
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Consider breaking up if he doesn’t commit. You need to tell him what you want, but he may not give it. If he ignores your requests and refuses to follow your deadlines, then he probably isn’t as devoted to the relationship as you are. Think about what you really want. Sometimes it’s best to start leaving this relationship. [10] X Research Source
- While it won’t be easy to leave someone you love, he may never truly commit. If your man isn’t ready to move on with you, he probably never will.
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Think twice before telling his wife or family about your affair. You may think that revealing the truth will speed things up, but it’s more likely to backfire. He may get mad at you and side with his wife. Moreover, this also hurt his wife and children. Be careful when deciding how and when you will tell the truth. [11] X Research Source
- Encourage your man to be honest with his wife. You could say, “I think you have to tell her the truth. Lying is wrong, and then we can’t really be together.” Maybe he doesn’t do it, but it’s better if he says it himself.
Build the future
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Ask yourself what you get out of this relationship. You should understand why you’re in a relationship with him so you can decide what you want. Maybe you hope to become his wife one day, or maybe you enjoy the freedom of extramarital relationships. Think about how your relationship started, what you like about it, and what you see in the future. [12] X Research Source
- For example, you may find that you enjoy enjoying love and time with the person you love. If nothing promises that he will give you those things in the long run, it’s best for you to move on and move on.
- You may also find it interesting and have a lot of things to do with your partner in your free time. If so, you may decide to continue with the current relationship.
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Determine what you want for the future and start pursuing it. Above all, you deserve to be happy, whether the man you love is part of your future or not. Visualize your dream future and set goals towards it. Break your goals down into steps that you can start today to build the future you want. [13] X Research Source
- For example, your goals might be to make a career, find a hobby, get married and have kids.
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Nurture other aspects of your life beyond your relationship with him. When you’re in love with a married man, it can feel like a waste of time because you don’t know when he’ll be free. That is not fair to you. Instead of circling him all day, do things that make you happy. You can try activities like: [14] X Research Sources
- Spend more time with friends.
- Maintain hobbies and pastimes.
- Take a new skill class.
- Find a new hobby.
- Go to the gym.
- Apply for a job you like.
- Go on vacation with family.
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Think about meeting other guys until your man is completely yours. When dating a married man, you are not his only one. You don’t have to be absolutely faithful to him because he’s not going to be faithful to you either. Just leave your options open and go on a date to see if you meet someone you like. [15] X Research Source
- For example, you can actively participate on online dating sites.
- Even if you love him, your relationship may not have a future. Who knows, you might find someone more deserving of you!
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End the relationship if you know you have to walk away. A relationship that begins with an affair is difficult to maintain for a long time. It can be painful to leave someone you love, but it’s probably your best option. Talk to him to see if the two of you have any prospects. If he doesn’t make a firm promise to you, it might be better for you to break up. Let’s say you love him, but you can’t be with someone who doesn’t give you peace of mind. [16] X Research Source
- Say, “I love you so much, I wish things could have been different, but I know you always chose family, so it’s time for me to let go.”
- Maybe he’ll contact you after you break up to tell him that things have changed and that he needs you. Be very careful about getting back with him, because your problems are still there.
Advice
- Only 5% of men who have had an affair actually leave their wives. It’s understandable if you hope your man is among those few, but it’s best to protect yourself. [17] X Research Source
- You deserve a love that is entirely yours. Don’t stop looking for a man who can give you true love.
Warning
- A married man will often prioritize his wife and children over you, and this can be very distressing for you. You deserve a perfect love! Find someone you trust to help you deal with this situation.
- He may make promises to you, but be honest with yourself about the reliability of his promises. Don’t try to keep your hopes up if he has a habit of lying.
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This article was co-written by Fernando Campos. Fernando Campos is a marriage and family therapist and founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has more than 11 years of experience and specializes in providing telehealth, individual therapy, couple emotional counseling, youth therapy, and family therapy programs. He is a community educator on topics such as abuse and trauma in love, anger management, family interactions, and alternative education counselors. He has received training in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution Focused Therapy and BSFT (Brief Strategies Family Therapy). Fernando holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
This article has been viewed 264,993 times.
Loving a married person can be a very painful experience. That man seems like a desirable lover, but circumstances do not please you. When you’re in love with a married man, it’s important that you process your emotions as you may experience varying degrees of pain, jealousy, and happiness. Besides, you also need to set limits to protect yourself and your needs. Since this relationship can only be temporary, it’s important that you look forward to a happy future, whether it includes the man you love or not.
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