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This article was co-written by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Julia Yacoob is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City. She specializes in providing cognitive behavioral therapy to adults experiencing stress in their lives. Yacoob holds a master’s and a doctorate in clinical psychology from Rutgers University, has studied intensively at Weill Cornell Medical College, and trained at New York Church Hospital, Memorial Sloan Cancer Center- Kettering, Institute of Behavioral Therapy and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Women’s Mental Health League, the NYC Cognitive Behavior Therapy Association, and the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy Association.
There are 54 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
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Most of us worry about our appearance from time to time. Unfortunately, society always promotes and emphasizes the concept of “beauty”. Television and movies, books and magazines, thousands of products and advertisements, all claim that you need to meet an “ideal” standard to be “beautiful”. These absurd and unrealistic standards are ingrained in our minds from an early age. Surveys show that 50% of girls aged 3 to 6 are worried about being “fat” and almost a third want to change their shape if possible. However, many other studies show that “beauty” is very subjective and personal. It’s really just beautiful in the eye of the beholder. [1] X Research Source There’s not only one way to be beautiful. As you learn to accept yourself and confidently be yourself inside and out, you will feel beautiful every day. And research has shown that when you feel beautiful, other people are more likely to feel the same way! [2] X Research Source
Steps
Learn Self Acceptance
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Give yourself love. Our physical appearance is the source of much emotional pain and shame. Sometimes, this shame keeps you from seeing your true beauty, because you’re trapped in a cage of feeling worthless, unloved, unworthy, or unfit for life. society. [3] X Sources of Research If other people judge you by social standards, you may also feel ashamed or embarrassed. [4] X Research Source Showing compassion to yourself is an “antidote” to the shame that judgment brings on others (or yourself). [5] X Research Resources Here are some exercises you can do to begin developing self-compassion: [6] X Research Resources
- Think about an embarrassing experience or old wound in your past. Imagine that you wished someone had told you something in that moment. What words do you want to hear? Write those words down.
- Next, imagine things written on paper as words of someone you love or admire comforting you. That person could be a close friend, or even a spiritual figure. Listen to them and let them go to your heart. Notice the emotions you experience when you hear those words. What do you feel?
- Practice saying those words out loud to yourself. Focus on the breath and let the words settle while still breathing deeply. Notice how you feel when you hear those words.
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Think about how you would treat a friend. Sometimes we are more strict with ourselves than we are with others. Think about what you would say to a friend who is trying to feel beautiful. What will you tell her? Try to be that generous with yourself. [7] X Research Sources
- Imagine that friend confesses that they feel bad about their appearance. What will you say? How will you react? Write those ideas down.
- Think about your criticisms or feelings about your beauty. How would you react to yourself in those situations? Write these down.
- Compare the two cases above. Do you see the difference? If yes, why do you think so? What motivates you to react this way to others? What motivates you to react this way to yourself?
- Write down a few ways you can change your response to become more generous and understanding.
- There is research that suggests that we humans often choose friends that we find attractive in some way. [8] X Research Source Think about what beauty you find in the people you like. You will probably find that the beauty standard you apply to your friends is much broader than the one you apply to yourself.
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Resist self-criticism. Research has proven that self-criticism can cause anxiety and depression. [9] X Research Sources You may not be satisfied with yourself because you compare yourself to society’s standards, or you are judged by others and feel ashamed. The more you practice fighting useless thoughts or self-criticism, the more comfortable you will feel in accepting yourself as you are. [10] X Research Source
- The human brain has a bad tendency to focus on negative experiences and information and ignore the positive. [11] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source Next time your critical inner voice tells you you’re not “____ enough,” remember that your brain doesn’t always tell the truth. Perhaps the brain has overlooked many good things to close with something negative that may not even be true. [12] X Research Source
- For example, you might have critical thoughts like “I give up. I will never be thinner. There’s no point in trying.”
- There are many ways to deal with this type of thinking. For example, you can examine why you feel the need to lose weight. Is it for the sake of health that the doctor agrees? Or do you compare yourself to someone else’s standards of beauty? Don’t forget that no one can say what you “should” look like.
- You can also look at your good points to combat negative thoughts. Example: “I will never give up. I may not lose weight, but I will try to stay healthy and play the sport I love.”
- You can also set new goals for yourself to show kindness and self-acceptance. For example: “I don’t like going to the gym, but I really like walking around. I don’t have to try to do it the way society tells me to. I’ll do something that makes me happy.”
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Practice mindfulness of your thoughts. A helpful way to deal with self-critical thoughts is to remember: they are just thoughts. They are not necessarily “facts”. You can’t always deal with negative thoughts. In fact, you may find yourself obsessed with a negative thought to try to “get rid of it”. You may even blame yourself for not being able to stop those thoughts. Instead, try to admit that the thoughts have occurred, and then realize that they are not true. [13] X Research Source[14] X Research Source
- For example: “Now I have the thought that I am not beautiful. It’s not a fact, it’s just a thought. I can’t control those thoughts, but I don’t believe them either.”
- Meditation can also help you become more mindful of your thoughts. You can learn to accept them in the present without judgment. Mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation are types of meditation to get you started. Studies show that meditation can actually reorder the brain’s responses to stressors. [15] X Research Source
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Focus on the positive things. When trapped in stereotypes about beauty, you will be easily affected by distorted perception through “sifting”, then you will only focus on the points that you do not like about yourself. [16] X Research Source Fight distorted thinking by playing a game: every time you have a negative thought about yourself, you immediately find a positive to counterbalance it. You can look in the mirror when talking about positive things; it can help you to confirm what you say is true. [17] X Research Source
- For example, if you’re thinking, “Wow, my teeth are crooked,” stop and find something positive: “I have a beautiful smile to show off when I’m happy and can be encouraged. everyone’s rules”.
- Sometimes, the pangs and judgments that come from others can make it hard for us to find what’s beautiful about us. If this is the case, try starting out by focusing on the miracles your body can do. Do you play sports, lift weights, dance, run, laugh, or breathe? Can you hug someone, sing a song, cook a meal? When you praise your body for what it does for you, you can easily find things you like about your body. [18] X Trusted Source National Eating Disorders Association Go to Source
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Make a list of self-praise. Because our brains are so good at focusing on the negative, proactively combat this tendency by making a list of the positive things about yourself. Taking the time to acknowledge and record the things you like about yourself will help “store” them in your mind, so you can recall them later. When you’re going through a tough time, pull out your self-praise list and ruminate on the many things that make you beautiful. Here are a few questions to get you started: [19] X Research Sources
- What do you like about you and your life?
- What skills and competencies do you value?
- What do others praise you for?
- What do you like about your look today?
- What is one of your achievements today?
- What did you find beautiful about today?
- What is one thing that you are proud of yourself?
- What do you find beautiful in the way you influence others?
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Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Learning to be self-indulgent is essential in helping you heal past wounds that may have kept you from seeing your true worth. Maybe you made a mistake the other day and you still blame yourself. Maybe you feel guilty about something you did when you were a kid. Whatever it is, forgiving yourself for what happened in the past can help you move on. [20] X Research Sources[21] X Research Sources
- Choose an experience that makes you feel nauseous or sad. Write a letter to your younger self about this experience.
- Use affectionate, loving words when writing letters. Speak to yourself as you would a friend or loved one who is tormented by your mistake.
- Remind your old self that mistakes are opportunities to learn, not to ruin your life forever.
- Make a plan for how you will use your past experiences to grow in the future.
Develop Confidence
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Question standards of beauty. Every day we are constantly being pumped into our minds with default images of how beautiful “must be”, making it easy for us to believe it’s real. Remember that these concepts are narrow, contrived, and absurd: all the time, “beautiful” is tall, white, thin, and young. [22] X Research Source You don’t have to accept anyone’s standards. Realizing how fake and unrealistic those external standards are will help you recognize your beauty, no matter what others say.
- The standards of beauty promoted by the media and imprinted on people’s minds have a very real impact on us. Studies have shown that exposure to unrealistic body images increases symptoms of depression and dissatisfaction with appearance. [23] X Research Source[24] X Research Source
- Search online for “star photo editing disaster” or “model spray art” to see how many idealistic beauties are purely made up. Even supermodels can’t meet those standards without editing. [25] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
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Write diary. Journaling can help you spot unhelpful thought patterns. Remember that stress and anxiety can affect how we feel about ourselves, so you may experience more negative thoughts or feelings about your appearance. Try to think specifically. Here are a few questions that might help you: [26] X Research Sources
- What thoughts and feelings did you have?
- What are you doing or paying attention to when you have that thought or feeling?
- What happened just before and after you had that thought or feeling?
- Why do you think you have that thought or feeling?
- How do you think you might react to that thought and feeling differently in the future?
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Practice a positive attitude of gratitude. Gratitude is not only a feeling but also a habit. Research has shown that people who practice gratitude every day in life are happier and more optimistic than others. Focusing on the positive things in life can help you build confidence.
- Acknowledge and reflect on good moments. The brain often ignores positive information because it is always on the hunt for negative things. The next time a friend compliments you or you feel great, stop for a moment and enjoy the experience. [27] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Focus on how you feel when you realize that good moment. What senses do you use? What does your body feel? What are you thinking? Reflecting on those things will help you to remember that good moment more vividly later. [28] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
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Pay attention to how to dress well. We often see too many people wondering, even ashamed of their bodies. Maybe you find yourself choosing clothes to hide parts of your body that make you shy, or because you don’t feel like you’re “worthy” to dress in a certain way. Maybe you try to wait until you have an “ideal” body before buying attractive clothes. Such actions will damage your self-confidence. Buy clothes that fit you, that’s it. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, no matter what your external standards say. [29] X Research Sources
- Research has shown that how you dress can affect self-esteem. For example, one study found that when doing a simple science task in the lab, people who wore blouses were more confident and got better results than those who didn’t — even though they did. same job! [30] X Trusted Source Science Direct Go to the source If you feel attractive and confident in what you wear, others will too.
- The way you dress also affects how you feel about yourself. For example, actors often say that costumes often help them discover their characters. Dress according to the “character” you want to be. [31] X Research Source
- Choose clothes that fit your body. Studies have proven that when people wear well-fitting clothes, others often find them attractive as well. [32] X Research Source
- Wear what makes you feel good. If you like makeup, keep it up! If you’re happiest in comfortable sweatpants, go for it!
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Body care. Your body doesn’t need to conform to anyone’s standards. Consider what motivates you to eat and take care of your body. Avoid doing those things because you feel you “need” to meet society’s standards. By eating well, exercising, and creating good habits, you can feel good about yourself because those activities remind you that you value yourself because you deserve to be taken care of. [33] X Research Sources
- Do exercise. Exercise releases natural chemicals called endorphins that elevate mood. [34] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source Moderate-intensity exercise – whether running, swimming, or even gardening – can make you more energetic and active. [35] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to the source But don’t exercise solely with the intention of “fixing” your body, or you may end up doing more mental harm than good. [36] X Research Source Tell yourself you’re taking care of your health because you love yourself.
- Full meals. The way you eat can really affect your mood. [37] X Research Source Ensure that the diet includes a mix of vegetables, fresh fruits, whole grains, and lean protein. If you feel unwell after eating something, you need to find the cause. You may have to avoid the food, or you can train your body to respond to it. [38] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source And remember: everything is relative, including moderation. If you really want a slice of peach pie, you’re welcome to treat yourself.
- Cherish yourself. Soak in a hot tub, get a manicure, get a massage. Understand that you deserve to be treated well. [39] X Research Sources
- Get enough sleep. When you don’t get a good night’s sleep, you can experience symptoms like anxiety, depression, obesity, and irritability. [40] X Research Source Make sure to make time for the sleep your body needs.
Practice with Others
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Be with people who care. Humans are often “contagious” of emotions, when we receive emotions from those around us and feel the same way. [41] X Source of Research[42] X Source of Research In other words, you often feel like the people around you. Researchers have found that the support, compassion, and kindness of others impacts our brains and feelings of happiness. [43] X Research Source Be with your friends and loved ones who are supportive and don’t judge each other based on shallow and artificial prejudices.
- A hug please! Physical contact with the people you love releases oxytocin, a powerful bonding hormone that can elevate your mood. [44] X Trusted Source Science Direct Go to Source[45] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
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Confess to others when suffering. Some people may make negative comments about your appearance without even knowing that it is callous. Others may say malicious words because they feel insecure themselves. When that happens, stand up for yourself. Calmly tell the person that they have hurt you and that they need to stop doing it. If they continue to do this to you, stay away from the person. You do not have to patiently endure the judgment and malice of others. [46] X National Eating Disorders Association Trusted Source Go to source
- Bullying others due to bad looks is a common problem. If you have been the victim of bullying, harm, violence or other abuse, report it to an authorized person such as a school counselor or workplace human resources manager.
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Call for support. Although you don’t need anyone to admit you’re beautiful, hearing words of love and support from people you love and trust can still help. [47] X Research Source Talk to a close friend or loved one about how you are feeling. Ask them if they’ve experienced it. You can support and encourage each other. [48]X Research Source
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Show kindness to others. Showing kindness to others can make you feel happier and healthier. [49] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source Next time you’re feeling down about your looks, try to say something nice to others. Tell them what you want to hear. By practicing showing kindness to others, you can extend it to yourself. [50] X Research Source
- People become beautiful when they do good deeds. Studies have shown that kind people are often voted more physically attractive than unkind people. [51] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source Other studies have also shown that people who appear sympathetic are voted more sexually attractive. [52] X Research Source
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Looks real. If you keep waiting until you “feel” beautiful to live a true life, you may have to wait a long time. The brain is very good at convincing you that criticisms and comments are true. Practice acting as if you already feel beautiful. So you can really “just pretend until it’s real”. [53] X Research Source[54] X Research Source
- For example, if you’re worried about your shape, buy an outfit that you like but don’t feel confident wearing. Put those clothes on and go out. Repeating a positive sentence, such as “I am strong and beautiful. This suit enhances my natural beauty and I feel satisfied.”
- Test your feelings. How does it make you feel when you tell yourself you’re satisfied? Did you enjoy the experience?
- See the reactions of others. You will probably receive criticism, even “stoned”. And there is certainly a chance that some people will judge you. Even so, you will be surprised to find that when you tell yourself that you are worthy of love and recognition, other people will often recognize you as well.
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Talk to a therapist. Sometimes, the pressure to meet society’s standards of beauty can cause deep wounds. It can also be the cause of certain illnesses such as eating disorders. If you’re struggling with negative thoughts about yourself, see a counselor or therapist. They will help you dispel that useless thinking and find ways to live a happy and healthy life. [55] X Research Source
- Eating disorders are on the rise, up to 30 million people in the US have them. [56] X Research Sources If you’re unhappy with your appearance, your risk of developing an eating disorder is higher. An eating disorder is a serious medical condition that requires treatment. [57] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- If you often feel depressed, feel guilty about eating or your appearance, feel “fat”, feel unable to control what you eat, are obsessed with foods or quantities food intake or anxiety about gaining weight, seek the help of a mental health professional immediately. [58] X Research Source
Advice
- Remember that society’s standards of beauty are unrealistic and cannot be achieved by anyone, not even actors or supermodels. Don’t judge yourself by anyone’s standards.
- Leave “love messages” for yourself at home. Write positive statements on sticky notes and stick them on your mirror, kitchen cupboard or nightstand – anywhere you can see them during the day.
Warning
- If you are having thoughts of self-harm, get help right away! If in the United States, call 911, regional emergency services, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. In Vietnam, you can call the hotline at 1800 1567 (child support and counseling services) or (84-4) 37.280,936 (Women and Development Center) for assistance.
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This article was co-written by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Julia Yacoob is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City. She specializes in providing cognitive behavioral therapy to adults experiencing stress in their lives. Yacoob holds a master’s and a doctorate in clinical psychology from Rutgers University, has studied intensively at Weill Cornell Medical College, and trained at New York Church Hospital, Memorial Sloan Cancer Center- Kettering, Institute of Behavioral Therapy and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Women’s Mental Health League, the NYC Cognitive Behavior Therapy Association, and the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy Association.
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Most of us worry about our appearance from time to time. Unfortunately, society always promotes and emphasizes the concept of “beauty”. Television and movies, books and magazines, thousands of products and advertisements, all claim that you need to meet an “ideal” standard to be “beautiful”. These absurd and unrealistic standards are ingrained in our minds from an early age. Surveys show that 50% of girls between the ages of 3 and 6 worry about being “fat” and almost a third want to change their shape if possible. However, many other studies show that “beauty” is very subjective and personal. It’s really just beautiful in the eye of the beholder. [1] X Research Source There’s not only one way to be beautiful. As you learn to accept yourself and confidently be yourself inside and out, you will feel beautiful every day. And research has shown that when you feel beautiful, other people are more likely to feel the same way! [2] X Research Source
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