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This article was co-written by Cher Gopman. Cher Gopman is the founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, which provides dating advice in New York. ‘NYC Wingwoman’ offers matchmaking and dating advice, one-on-one coaching, and an intensive weekend coaching program. Cher is a life coach and former mental health nurse, and her work has been featured in Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1 and The New York Post.
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When you are in love, at some point you will feel insecure about your relationship with your girlfriend, and this happens quite often. It’s usually pretty obvious when people want to end a relationship, but sometimes it’s hard to understand their behavior. If you think your girlfriend wants to break up, observe her behavior as objectively as possible. Then, if you’re still not sure what she wants or if she doesn’t seem to want to take the initiative to get straight to the point, talk to her about the state of the relationship.
Steps
Observe your girlfriend’s behavior
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Notice how often she contacts you. This is not necessarily a sign that she wants to break up, but if she used to text or call you every day but now rarely contacts, and doesn’t answer when you call, it could be. signs of instability. [1] X Research Source
- Don’t rush to conclusions. First, think about what’s going on in her life. Is she preparing for an important exam or is her family struggling? Has she just started a new job? There could be other reasons why she’s contacting you less than she used to.
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Make plans with her. If she loves you, she’ll love making plans with you. On the contrary, she will feel reluctant to do it. If you suggest doing something on Friday night and your girlfriend says she’ll get back to you Friday afternoon, that’s a good sign that she’s expecting something even more attractive.
- You have to remember that if this happens only once, it doesn’t mean that she wants to break up. If this only happens once or twice it could be because she has other plans with her friends, but she wants to confirm before saying she’s busy.
- If the two of you are still in school, ask her if she wants to have lunch with you. If she refuses and uses the excuse of having to go out to dinner with someone else, she may not be interested in the relationship anymore.
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Watch to see if she makes a fuss. Frequent arguments are a common sign of a relationship going downhill, especially when you two argue over petty things. [2] X Research Source Does she get angry easily around you? Does she fight over petty things that didn’t matter before? There are a multitude of possible reasons behind this type of behavior (e.g. she’s stressed because she’s due, or isn’t feeling well), but if it’s happening on a daily basis then it’s definitely a sign that she’s not feeling well. She is no longer happy in the relationship.
- Try to talk to your girlfriend about this. Ask her if there’s anything wrong that’s causing her stress, and what you can do to help her.
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Think about physical intimacy. Your relationship may be going downhill if the two of you are less physically close. [3] X Research Source This closeness isn’t necessarily sexual, but her way of showing intimacy in general. If the two of you have sex while dating, but suddenly she’s no longer interested and isn’t getting intimate with you, there’s probably something bothering her.
- If your girlfriend doesn’t usually seem very close, remember that. Some people don’t like physical intimacy as much as others, and if your girlfriend doesn’t really like it, that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you anymore.
- She used to love holding your hand but now avoids or pushes your hand away when you want to hold hands? This could be a sign that something is wrong.
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Pay attention to body language . Body language is an accurate indication of a person’s feelings. If your girlfriend is happy to be around you, she will make eye contact with you, turn her body towards you while talking, and generally try to get close to you. [4] X Research Sources
- However, if she crosses her arms across her chest and avoids eye contact, she may be upset.
Talk to your girlfriend
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Let her know you have something to say. Although you want to avoid this conversation or just want to talk around, it’s best to tell your girlfriend directly. [5] X Research Sources There’s no reason why you can’t talk to your girlfriend about your thoughts. Yes, the talk can tell you she wants to break up, but it can also tell you what’s bothering her and she doesn’t want to break up. Either way, you’ll know what’s going on.
- Let her know that you want to spend some time talking about your thoughts. Don’t just walk up to her and ask if she wants to break up. This can make her confused or defensive.
- If she says she doesn’t have time to talk, suggest a time to make sure she’s not busy. You can also invite your girlfriend out for coffee or lunch, she’ll see this as a time to talk, not an impromptu talk.
- If you can’t talk face-to-face, talk on the computer, email, or over the phone. If you provide multiple channels for communication, she will eventually have to spend a few minutes with you.
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Don’t accuse. It’s important to stop and think about the reasons why you’re suspicious of your girlfriend, instead of just jumping to conclusions. Consider the evidence that causes you to doubt, whether the suspicion is factual, whether you can verify the information in one way or another, what you should do with it. [6] X Research Sources
- For example, maybe you suspect your girlfriend is cheating because you see her smiling and laughing with her co-workers. However, if this is the only evidence then you should consider whether she is just being nice and trying to pass the time while doing boring work. Maybe you think the best thing to do is to ask her directly to see if she likes the guy.
- Avoid saying things like, “I know you want to break up, and I know it’s because of the guy you’re dating. Why don’t you just talk about the past?!” You assume everything, and even if you’re right, accusing her in front of her will only put her on the defensive.
- Instead, you should approach the conversation by saying that you feel like she has something on her mind, and that you want to know if she’s still happy with you, or if there’s anything else you need to know. solve no.
- You could also say, “I’m a little nervous because we don’t date as often, and I don’t know if there’s anything that upsets you.” This expression shows that you are trying to express your feelings without making any specific accusations. This is a peaceful way of communicating and a good approach when you have difficult feelings to talk about with the people you love.
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Listen to what she has to say. Active listening is when you use body language, questions, and other techniques to increase your receptivity to what the other person is saying, while sending a clear message that you are listening carefully. For example, you can repeat in your head what your girlfriend just said to help you understand better, and make eye contact, nod, or say general words like “yes” and “is that so” to she feels you are listening. [7] X Research Sources
- Don’t rush to your own conclusions and try to hold back the urge to cut her off. Give her a chance to explain why she wants to break up, or why she doesn’t want to. Maybe she has a good reason for her confusing behavior, and you just can’t seem to relax without giving her a chance to talk to you.
- If she really wants to break up, you still have to listen. The reason why she wants to break up may be things you never thought about, or didn’t notice. Perhaps you’ll find breaking up makes sense.
- It’s possible that she really wants to break up with her but is afraid of hurting you. So it’s important that you listen to know what she really wants to tell you. If she gives you many reasons why she’s not happy in your relationship without specifically saying she wants to break up, then say so.
- Say something like, “It seems like I’m really not happy with this relationship anymore, but I’m afraid of hurting you. I want you to be honest. You want to end our relationship, don’t you?” Hopefully this time she will be honest with you.
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Say what you need to say. Now you have the opportunity to remove the burden from your chest. If she says she wants to break up, you’ll probably want to respond with selfish words, but try to hold back if you can. Saying that won’t solve anything and you won’t feel any happier. If she says everything is fine, let her know what’s worrying you.
- You should use sentences with the subject “I” instead of “Em” when talking to your girlfriend. A sentence with the subject of “I” will not make your girlfriend feel defensive. [8] X Research Source For example, she might feel defensive if you say, “You’ve been acting strange lately. I have to tell you what happened.” Instead, you can say, “I feel a distance between the two of us, do you feel the same way?”
- If she wants to break up, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. You can get up and leave, or just say, “Okay, I get it.” If you want, you can also talk about how you feel (e.g. you’re upset, you want to get mad about this, or you think she’s right and it’s a good idea for both of you).
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Try not to get angry. Anger is a normal emotion but sometimes difficult to control. [9] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to the source It’s easy to get defensive when your partner says goodbye, because it makes us feel rejected. You have a tendency to get angry to protect yourself against those feelings, but getting angry won’t help the situation.
- Try to focus on keeping your voice even and low, keeping your breathing steady.
- If you feel you can’t control the attack immediately, leave. Even if she says she wants to break up with you and you feel like you hate her, walking away can help you avoid saying things you don’t mean and that you regret later.
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Accept the outcome of the talk. [10] X Research Source Regardless of the outcome of the conversation that you no longer have a girlfriend, or the two of you continue to date, you still have to accept your girlfriend’s wishes. If she wants to break up, it’s time for you to face the truth. If she says she’s happy and doesn’t want to break up, trust her. Don’t keep asking if she wants to break up. This will upset her and show that you are insecure.
Thinking what to do
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Give her free space. During dating, one or both parties will have times when they feel uncertain about the relationship. During this time, the person will tend to separate them a bit from the other half, often without much explanation. This leaves you confused as to what is wrong and wondering if you did something wrong. You’d love to talk to your lover to figure out what’s going on, but this often upsets her and prompts her to take action.
- If this is the case, give her space. While there’s no guarantee, being away from her for a few days a week can give her a chance to realize that she’s really happy in the relationship, and feels lonely without you. .
- If things don’t go your way, giving her space will also give you a chance to realize that you had a happy life before she showed up, and that you can move on with your happy life. that looks without her.
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Try to save the relationship. If you really feel like you can’t live without your girlfriend, you can take steps to save the relationship. However, it’s important to understand that if your girlfriend isn’t happy and doesn’t want to be with you, both of you will end up miserable.
- Try to figure out what is causing your girlfriend to be unhappy. Maybe it’s the cold truth that she doesn’t love you anymore, but there could also be other things going on that make her unhappy. Try to find these problems and fix them.
- Surprise her. If you’ve been dating your girlfriend for a while, you probably haven’t used your full potential to keep her happy. So surprise her with something special. You can reserve a romantic dinner or invite her to her favorite dance floor. More simply, you can let your girlfriend know you’re thinking about her by giving her a candy or flower she likes.
- Try to recall the good times. There must be a reason the two of you decided to date each other, but that reason seems far-fetched during these difficult times. Try to rekindle these things by talking about the first day or a time when the two of you had a good laugh about something. The idea here is to evoke the positive emotions of the early days of getting to know each other.
- Write a love letter. This is simple, but many people still like to receive love letters. This doesn’t mean you have to write a cheesy letter, just writing it simply to remind her of your interest is enough. You can bring up good memories of the two of you and/or something you’re looking forward to doing with her in the future.
- Try to be more open and fragile. Often times you feel the need to take precautions and stop sharing things with your girlfriend, but this only makes the situation worse. Instead, you should be more open with her. Tell her about a bad day, be willing to share your fears, and allow her to see your soft side.
- Encourage your partner to lead an independent life. Perhaps one of the reasons your girlfriend is unhappy in a relationship is because she feels suffocated or unable to lead an independent life. You should try to encourage your girlfriend to do what she wants instead of always keeping her close at hand. [11] X Research Source For example, if your girlfriend wants to go to college, offer to help her apply to the school. If your girlfriend wants to travel somewhere, you should encourage her to do it.
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Let her go. Maybe this isn’t what you want, but in some cases it’s probably best to let her go. If it’s clear to you that she’s unhappy but is afraid to break up for some reason, be brave and show your girlfriend how much you care about her happiness by taking the initiative to say goodbye.
- Do this gently and sincerely. Say that you’ve seen her unhappy in your relationship with you lately, and you know she doesn’t want to hurt you, but it’s time to end the relationship.
- This may not lessen the pain of the breakup, but it will help you take control of the situation. You will feel relief after living in an unhappy relationship for a while.
- When you break up with your girlfriend, it’s important to let go of your anger towards her or the relationship. Keeping these frustrating feelings to yourself will only harm you. [12] X Research Source
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Give yourself time. It takes time to let go of this relationship. If you are sad about that loss, remember that you will get over the sadness over time. There are many things you can do to help yourself feel better, but ultimately it takes time to get over this sadness.
- It is impossible to know how much time you need to let go of your sadness, be it days, weeks or months. Try to see each day after that as a step in the right direction.
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Cut off all contact. During the initial breakup, you’ll want to call, email, or text her. However, this will only prolong the pain. [13] X Research Source Remove her phone number and contact information from all your social media accounts.
- If she tries to contact you, ignore calls or texts. If she sends an email, delete it without reading it.
- This doesn’t mean you’ll never talk to her again. However, you’ll probably regret what you said after the breakup and it won’t make you feel any better.
- If you don’t want to completely delete all contact information, write it down on a piece of paper and ask a close friend to keep it until you forget about the relationship.
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Give up everything that reminds you of your girlfriend. If you don’t want to give up something by throwing it away or donating it to charity, you should at least put it in a box or bag and keep it somewhere you can’t see it.
- If you think you’ll want to reminisce about those things, throw them away, or ask a friend to keep them for a while.
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Maintain an active life. You can spend an evening crying or gnawing at the sadness of a breakup, but then you have to move on with your active life. Plan to have fun with friends. Attend a social event where you can make new friends. You won’t have too much time to think about breaking up if you go out with your close friends.
- You should also engage in physical activity. There is a lot of evidence that physical activity can make you physically and mentally healthy. [14] X Research Sources People tend to be inactive and moody after a breakup, but try going outside for a walk or run. If you like team sports then join a certain team.
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Think constructively. Although it’s sad to have to break up with your lover, you can learn from it. Take the time to think about the relationship as honestly as you can. She’s probably done a lot of wrong things, but so are you. Instead of focusing on her faults, you should think about what you could have done better.
- For example, perhaps you will maintain a more open attitude in your future relationships so that your future girlfriend is willing to talk to you when they are not happy with something. In a recent relationship, if you often get angry or defensive when she talks about a problem, you should practice communicating openly and staying calm when facing problems.
- It’s not easy to be honest with yourself about your flaws, but you should remember that there’s no point in hiding behind pride at this point.
Advice
- Maybe she just had a bad day or week. You can give her more time, but prolonging a bad relationship is not a good thing.
- If your girlfriend shows a negative attitude, she probably needs more attention from you. The solution could be to show her love from time to time, or surprise her.
- Write it all down in one letter. If you find it difficult to find the right time to talk to your girlfriend, try to communicate in another way. You can write a letter or email to explain your thoughts. Writing a letter not only opens up another channel of communication, but it also gives her a chance to understand what you’re saying.
- Listen to what your gut tells you. Oftentimes, it’s pretty obvious that the relationship is coming to an end. We try to ignore this feeling but oftentimes it’s accurate, so you have to be honest with yourself.
- If your girlfriend wants to break up because she’s no longer happy with you, it’s best to let her go. Overcoming the pain of a breakup will be hard, but if she’s unhappy, forcing her to stay will only make the situation worse.
- If you know for sure that she wants to break up but don’t say it for some reason, you can put an end to the frustration by taking the initiative to break up with her, which can be difficult if you don’t want to break up. While a breakup can be painful for both of you, once you let go of the relationship, you can move on with your new life.
- If she makes it clear that she’s had a bad week, offer to help. Ask how you can help her.
Warning
- Avoid causing trouble. When your girlfriend proposes to break up, you often want to cause trouble, but then you feel embarrassed about it. Staying as calm as possible (at least when you’re in front of her) will show you’re a mature person. Then you will feel proud of yourself.
- Negative body language and emotions can indicate that she’s upset. Be careful not to confuse your girlfriend’s dissatisfaction with the relationship with other emotional problems she may be experiencing.
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This article was co-written by Cher Gopman. Cher Gopman is the founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, which provides dating advice in New York. ‘NYC Wingwoman’ offers matchmaking and dating advice, one-on-one coaching, and an intensive weekend coaching program. Cher is a life coach and former mental health nurse, and her work has been featured in Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1 and The New York Post.
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When you are in love, at some point you will feel insecure about your relationship with your girlfriend, and this happens quite often. It’s usually pretty obvious when people want to end a relationship, but sometimes it’s hard to understand their behavior. If you think your girlfriend wants to break up, observe her behavior as objectively as possible. Then, if you’re still not sure what she wants or if she doesn’t seem to want to take the initiative to get straight to the point, talk to her about the state of the relationship.
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