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This article was co-written by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master’s degree in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on methods of improving relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he is the author of Married Roommates.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 8,240 times.
Marriage is the supreme bond between two individuals. Both of them have vowed to love each other no matter what the consequences, but sometimes things can get pretty stressful. Maybe it’s because you’ve just been through a bad argument, you feel that the two of you are growing apart, or perhaps you’re just reaching a point where you need to improve your relationship. Romantic relationships require effort and commitment to stay strong, and marriage is no exception. With a little effort, a little understanding, and a little patience, you and your spouse can improve your marriage, and don’t forget why you once vowed to love each other forever. life.
Steps
Improve Communication
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Listen to your spouse. Usually, couples who have lived together for a long time don’t think seriously about what each other has to say. For example, your spouse might talk about an action you’re taking that makes him/her feel uncomfortable, but you think it’s no big deal because you both have a lot in common. live together for a long time. However, the little things will come together, and when your partner feels that they are not valued or heard, you will have bigger problems related to trust and confidence. close in the future. [1] X Research Source
- If your spouse says they are upset about something, you need to take this statement seriously. Find ways to work through the problem, whether alone or together, but make sure you take your spouse’s concerns seriously.
- Address the needs of the other party. If your spouse tells you what he or she wants in your relationship, you need to work to make it happen or work together to find a way to compromise.
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Spend quality time with your spouse. Quality time is the time when you completely and unconditionally focus on your partner. No matter what happens, make sure you dedicate this time to that person. The phone rang? Please hang up the call or hang up in front of your spouse. Do this as if you really meant it. And then… listen. Sit together, look at each other, enjoy each other’s presence and enjoy the moment of being together. Do this at least once a week for 30-60 minutes.
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Be open and honest with each other. Honesty is extremely important in a relationship, especially if you’re married. You will want to feel that you can count on your spouse, and you want him or her to feel the same way. However, honesty and openness are not limited to telling the truth; it also means not hiding information, and not hiding when you want to mention a certain issue. [2] X Research Source
- Never lie to your partner. Even if it’s just a petty lie, such as saying that something doesn’t bother you when the truth doesn’t, it can eventually lead to resentment or conflict. argue.
- Open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable to that person. Talk to your spouse about your secret hopes and dreams, your deep-seated fears, and other things you harbor.
- Allow the person to open up and be vulnerable to you. This can help build trust and foster stronger feelings of closeness and affection.
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Find a compromise. Compromise can be difficult, especially when your emotions are running high after an argument. However, it’s not worth trying to get your part right for 30 seconds when the tension this action brings to an argument can make your relationship slide. Disagreements or even arguments are normal, but you need to be willing to compromise in order to compromise and cooperate.
- Don’t think of an argument as something you need to “win”. This is dangerous thinking because it can turn you and your partner against each other. [3] X Research Sources
- Ignore issues that aren’t worth arguing about. Even if you’re not the one doing the wrong thing, it’s not worth getting into a tense and uncomfortable argument.
- Ready to give way. Just because you think you’re right doesn’t mean that further arguing about your point of view will help, so you should try to stop before things “escalate”.
- Compromise makes your relationship stronger. When you both overlook your own needs, including your need to be the right one, you can work together to make both of you better. [4] X Research Sources
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Use sentences that begin with the subject “I”. When you and your spouse have a disagreement, it’s important that you avoid accusing or insulting each other. One way that many couples inadvertently hurt each other is by using a statement that starts with the word “he/she” instead of “I”. Saying “I” can help you convey your feelings and promote a more productive and positive conversation, instead of hurting the other person’s feelings.
- The statement with the subject “he/she” conveys the blame on the other party. For example “You are always late, and make me look like a fool!”.
- Statements with the subject “I” re-frame the conversation in a way that focuses on the emotion, not the blame or guilt of the other party. For example, “When you don’t show up on time and we need to get somewhere, I feel like you’re not thinking about my feelings”.
- Statements with the word “I” have three components: a concise and non-accusative description of the behavior that upsets you, your feelings about the behavior, and the obvious, tangible effect of the specific behavior. body of your husband/wife to you. [5] X Research Sources
- The behavioral component needs to be tied to the real situation, your feelings need to be directly related to the behavior, and its effect should be able to help you identify the consequences or support your feelings. your contact about the problem. [6] X Research Sources
- The goal here is that you need to be as specific as possible and stick to the problem at hand. Don’t talk about unrelated issues or feelings, but just focus on its obvious impact on the current situation.
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Never yell at that person. Many people started screaming without even realizing their actions. When you argue, your emotions are likely to run high, and you’ll want to discuss it more intensely. However, yelling at your spouse will only result in one of two outcomes: either he or she yells back at you, or you both yell at each other. Whatever the outcome, it makes this situation easy to hurt both of you and put more strain on your relationship. [7] X Research Sources
- Yelling and venting your anger may give you some relief in the moment, but your emotions will only grow stronger.
- When you yell at someone, you’ll often say things you shouldn’t have said, and you’ll never be able to take those hurtful words back once you’ve calmed down.
- Avoid talking about the important things when you (and/or your partner) are feeling down. Go for a walk, or simply stay away for 5 or 10 minutes, then restart the conversation when you’re both calmer.
“Warm up” Love
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Change the habit. Whether you’ve been married for 2 years or 20 years, it’s easy to feel as if you and your partner are stuck in a boring lifestyle. Habits are formed because they are convenient and they make it easier for you to control your day-to-day life, but boredom and routine in a relationship can slowly sabotage your emotional well-being without you even realizing it. didn’t even notice. [8] X Research Sources
- If you usually eat at home every night, you can go on a date with that person. If you usually eat separately, you can cook a meal for your partner and eat together.
- Do something fun that you and your spouse don’t usually do. It doesn’t have to be crazy, but it does need to motivate both of you to have a good time and get excited.
- Take a romantic vacation together, or simply plan a fun and exciting day – even if this simply means going to the fair or to the amusement park together.
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Flirting with each other. When you and your spouse were still dating, you must have flirted with each other often. Then why did you stop? Most couples feel pretty comfortable with each other, and this is a good thing. But the flip side to this is that you forget how to show your charms, often because you haven’t acted on it for months (or even years). [9] X Research Source
- Look into each other’s eyes.
- Smile at the person and giggle.
- Use romantic body language, and imitate the person’s body language. [10] X Research Source
- Stand facing each other, avoid crossing your arms, and lean toward each other when talking.
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Increase physical contact. Physical contact is a very important element of the intimacy process. Physical contact makes you feel wanted, and can make you more comfortable and closer to your partner. If both of you are already getting too intimate and doing a lot of physical contact, move on. If you lose this part of your relationship, you should work to bring it back into the lives of both of you. [11] X Research Source
- Physical contact doesn’t just mean sex (although many people view sex as a healthy part of marriage). It can mean holding hands, snuggling, cuddling, kissing, or any other act of affection.
- Your partner will probably want as much physical interaction as you do, but perhaps he or she is too shy or worried that you don’t want to.
- Don’t stress too much about this, you just need to provoke it. Your spouse will appreciate this, and it will help you both feel closer to each other.
- Remember that emotions often accompany actions. If you give your best effort and try to create a romantic evening for your partner, romantic feelings will be formed. [12] X Research Source
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Make time for intimacy. If you’ve been married for a few years, it’s likely that both of you will often feel confused trying to balance work and family. This problem will be even more difficult if you have children. But making time for intimacy without distractions (kids, work phone/email, etc.) can be of great help in rekindling the fire in your relationship. , especially if you prioritize doing it from week to week. [13] X Research Source
- Spending time together, especially for physical contact, will often lead to the sexual phase and will bring the two of you closer together.
- If needed, you can schedule intimacy and/or sex. Many experts advise that even just 30 minutes of intimacy can do wonders for your relationship.
- Leave your kids with babysitters, or if they’re old enough to be left alone, you can give them money to go to the movies or go shopping. This will help you get some alone time with your spouse.
- Turn off your phone when you’re both close. There’s nothing more mood-destroying than when your partner is dragged into a work-related phone call for hours.
- Intimacy is not just an act that you do only once. You need to do your best to make time to do this once a week, or several times a week, or whenever you and your spouse need it.
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Communicate preferences in “sex”. This involves being honest and open with each other. Some people feel afraid to express their desires to their partner, even if that person is their spouse. However, you don’t need to be ashamed of your preferences. You can talk to your partner about your sexual preferences or fantasies, and ask about his or her preferences. And no matter what you or your spouse wants, remember to respect each other’s needs. [14] X Research Source
- Feeling as though your partner can’t meet your needs can make you sexually unsatisfied, and over time will make the process feel like a daily chore.
- The best way for both of you to enjoy sex is to talk about what you both like or don’t like.
- Be ready to explore new activities together in the bedroom so you can both meet each other’s needs. Also, in general, trying something new can give you a spark in your relationship, and you’ll find that both of you can enjoy the new routine.
- Respecting your partner’s needs doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. It’s okay to set boundaries for yourself and ask your partner to respect them.
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Consider seeing a couples therapist. Many people think that couples therapy is only for people who are on the verge of divorce. However, this is not true. This therapy can help you and your spouse improve your communication skills, find ways to feel closer, and resolve any issues that arise in your marriage. . [15] X Research Source
- Meeting a therapist is not an embarrassing or humiliating thing to do. Couples therapy can help you and your partner at any stage of the relationship.
- If you or your partner experience a decrease in libido or no sexual desire in the bedroom, your therapist may recommend that you see your doctor to see if you are both experiencing any problems. medical condition or not.
- Sometimes, certain medications can reduce sex drive or ability to perform sexual acts. In other cases, the drop in libido may be due to emotional causes.
- Be open and honest with your therapist and with your doctor to deal with any intimacy issues you’re having.
Strengthening Bonds in Marriage
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Express gratitude for the little things. The biggest danger in a long-term relationship is not knowing how to appreciate each other. No matter how much you love and appreciate your spouse, you may end up getting so used to each other that you forget that you need to appreciate what your partner has done for you. If you make an effort to express your gratitude, your partner is sure to do the same. [16] X Research Source
- Say thank you when your spouse does something for you, whether it’s cooking, fixing a broken closet, or simply picking you up at the supermarket.
- Letting your partner know that you appreciate the little things he or she does will make him feel appreciated, and that your spouse will want to continue doing good things for you (and vice versa). Future.
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Take the time to pay attention to that person. Another aspect of lack of appreciation is forgetting to give each other compliments. You may think that your partner knows the love you have for them, and this may be true. But nothing brings a smile to your face like hearing that someone finds you attractive and desirable, so try to make them feel special as often as possible. the better. [17] X Research Source
- You don’t have to try too hard to notice your partner. You can compliment the attractive outfit your spouse is wearing, or his or her new hairstyle, any improvement in her after taking on a new exercise routine, etc.
- Try to praise the person’s efforts in front of others. Bragging about your spouse’s accomplishments when they are too shy to do so can make them feel loved. [18] X Research Sources
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Dating your spouse. As your relationship develops, you will find it quite difficult to make time for a date, or to go out and have a romantic evening together. This can be especially difficult if you have children. But spending time together brings back the excitement and passion you once felt when you were both in the dating phase, and that desire is crucial to maintaining a relationship. long kiss.
- Commit to spending time alone. Hire a babysitter for your children, or you can let them sleep over at a friend’s house.
- Choose a romantic restaurant. If you already have a favorite place or if you can recreate your first date, all the better.
- “Dress” nice clothes. You should try to give your spouse the impression that you are both still dating and unmarried.
- After dinner, go for a walk or go to the movies together. Focus on creating an intimate evening together.
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Make sure you are completely satisfied. In addition to being sexually satisfied, you need to feel as though your life has meaning and that you’ve achieved something. It may come as a surprise, but experts agree that having your own personal goals and accomplishments can strengthen your marriage. [19] X Research Source
- When you feel as though your personal goals are accomplished, it’s easier to dedicate yourself to your spouse.
- If you are very career focused, make time for your career. If you are an artist, you can pursue painting. If you are an runner, you can train yourself to be ready for a marathon. [20] X Research Source
- No matter what your partner’s goals and accomplishments are, it’s important that you own your own goals. You and your spouse can support each other, and remember to celebrate each other’s accomplishments.
Advice
- Always remember to show affection. Kiss or hug your spouse and tell him or her that you love him or her very much.
- Respect your spouse. Never take an action that could betray the other person’s trust, such as lying or cheating.
- Be kind to your spouse’s friends, and try to be social with them. Every time you meet them, you can say hello and have a little chat. Friendship can be quite an important factor for your spouse, so meeting his or her friends will greatly help you in strengthening your relationship.
- If you feel jealous, don’t “make it up”. You should talk to your partner privately, and remember to say something like, “Honey, you know I love you and trust you, but I can’t help but feel jealous. jealous of you and that girl. I’m sorry.” Your spouse will understand you and explain the situation to you so that you no longer feel jealous.
- Go out together. Go on a date, whether at a fancy restaurant or at a hot dog cart. The important thing is that you need to spend time hanging out and talking to each other.
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This article was co-written by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master’s degree in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on methods of improving relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he is the author of Married Roommates.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 8,240 times.
Marriage is the supreme bond between two individuals. Both of them have vowed to love each other no matter what the consequences, but sometimes things can get pretty stressful. Maybe it’s because you’ve just been through a bad argument, you feel that the two of you are growing apart, or perhaps you’re just reaching a point where you need to improve your relationship. Romantic relationships require effort and commitment to stay strong, and marriage is no exception. With a little effort, a little understanding, and a little patience, you and your spouse can improve your marriage, and don’t forget why you once vowed to love each other forever. life.
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