How to Help a Friend Overcome Emotional Pain

Or news that your friend has just gone through a painful breakup, recently lost someone, or is struggling with some other difficulty, perhaps you wish you could be of some help. The pain cannot be erased by any word or action. However, you can still be around and give her lots of support. In any case, be a good friend and help heal their broken heart.

Table of Contents

Be with them

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Encourage them to express their feelings. To get through difficult times, your friend needs to face her own feelings. So encourage them to express their pain. Remind your friend that denying the truth or ignoring how you feel won’t make you feel any better. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Let them know that there’s nothing wrong with crying. Tears heal wounds!
If it feels like your friend is withdrawing or hiding his feelings, explain that the more you do this, the more insurmountable the pain will become.
Stages of grief often include sadness, shock, regret, and fading. Don’t worry too much when your friend goes through all of these stages. ^{[2] X Research Source}
Everyone suffers in very different ways. So don’t judge their suffering. Still, if the pain seems to be keeping them numb, lethargic, and not getting better, consider asking them to see a psychologist about the problem. ^{[3] X Research Sources}
If a loved one has recently passed away, it can be helpful to help plan a memorial service. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Listen. Sharing your feelings helps heal the pain, so let them know you’ll always be there and ready to listen when they need it. Be a good listener and let your friend vent for as long as you like. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Don’t forget to say you’re willing to listen. Maybe they really want to talk, but they’re worried they’ll annoy you.
Find a way to talk to them as soon as you hear the news and let them know you’re worried about them. Also, don’t feel offended by waiting and they don’t want to open up yet.
Unless asked, don’t give any advice. Maybe your friend just wants to confide in you. ^{[6] X Research Source}
If they don’t want to talk, encourage them to write down their thoughts in a journal.
It’s perfectly fine to ask about what happened, especially when you’re best friends. Doing so will help you understand what your friend is going through and how you can help them. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Sympathetic. To let your friend know that you care about their feelings, you want to help them through this difficult time. Instead of being judgmental, simply acknowledge their pain and say you’re sorry they had to endure it.

Always offer simple condolences, such as, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” ^{[8] X Research Sources}
If they just broke up, don’t assume that you need to talk badly about the other person to make them feel better. Instead of saying something like, “He’s an asshole and it’s better without him,” simply acknowledge their feelings of loss like, “Losing someone you care so much must have been hard.” . ^{[9] X Research Source}
Pointing out the positive side of the situation alone won’t help. Instead of saying “Everything has a reason”, simply say, “I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. How can I help you?”. ^{[10] X Research Source}
Don’t tell your friend that everything happens for a reason. It is likely that you will downplay their pain by saying such things. ^{[11] X Research Source}

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Consider their situation. The pain can stay around forever and so don’t expect your friend to be all right in a day or two. Regularly check in and ask how they are feeling. Always let them know that you are there and want to help whenever they need it. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Don’t wait for them to find you on their own. Maybe they really need you but don’t have the courage to find you. ^{[13] X Research Source}
Call or text her to let them know that you think about her. Depending on how close you two are, you may want to do it every day or every few days until they feel better.
Call at the right time to let them know you’re thinking about them. For example, if a loved one has recently passed away, you should not call while the funeral is in progress. Call the evening or the next day to see how they’re doing.
When asking about them, don’t forget to say that if they want to chat, you’ll always be there.

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Help with small things. If their mood is so bad that they don’t care about day-to-day problems, help them. For example, bring utensils, food or come to the house to help them with housework. ^{[14] X Research Source}

If the offer is turned down, let them know you’ve always kept the offer and it’s always in effect when needed.
If you’re a close friend, consider surprising them with something they didn’t know beforehand, like ordering pizza to their house.
Consider inviting them over for dinner. This will help them stay healthy and at the same time help them get out of the house for some fresh air, which will probably be good for them. ^{[15] X Research Source}

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Don’t rush. It’s great that you want to help, but what you can do is limited. They need to give them space to grieve on their own terms and give them the time they need to work through it. Don’t expect them to recover immediately or try to force them through the pain. ^{[16] X Research Source}

Remember that during this time, they may be a little selfish and no longer your good friend. Please sympathize with them. When everything is over, they will return to their original self.
Be patient, take each step as you encourage them to become more active. If they’re not comfortable with partying, ask if they’d like to come over and watch a movie with you.

Maintain healthy boundaries and avoid accepting every request. While helping your friends is great, it’s important to know how to say no when you can’t help them. Remember not to spend too much time and love with friends. There are a few ways you can maintain healthy boundaries: ^{[17] X Research Sources}

Identify your limits, for example what you can do to help them and what you can’t. You may be willing to listen to your friends talk about your ex, but you can’t act as a mediator to get their exs or find out what their ex wants.
Affirm your boundaries, by letting them know what you can and cannot do. For example, you could say, “I’m available to listen to you whenever I can, but I can’t take calls at work. We’ll talk after I’m done.”
Be upfront if they cross the line, say, “I’m willing to help you in any way, but like I said before, I can’t help you with that.”
Be mindful of your feelings and let them know if you need a break, for example, “I want to help you, but I’m just too tired right now. Can we talk tomorrow?”

Tip: If you want to help a friend but feel overwhelmed, direct them to seek help from others. For example, if they are really upset and need to talk to someone, suggest that they contact Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” to 741741 if they live in the US, or texting 686868 if they in Canada, or number 85258 in the UK. You can also direct them to the Depression and Bippar Support Alliance website, where they can connect to online support groups dedicated to people with depression, at https://www.dbsalliance .org/support/.

Practice self-care to regain emotional energy. You can’t pour water from an empty cup, so it’s important to take care of yourself to help your friend recover. Do what you enjoy and help nurture emotional strength. ^{[18] X Trusted Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Go to the Source} Spend at least 30 minutes a day doing something you enjoy and find relaxing, for example you could:

Go for a walk
Take a long bath
Pursue a hobby, like embroidery, painting, or gaming

Help them get through

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Let them know how strong they are. Right now, maybe they can’t be very satisfied with themselves. So reminding them how strong and amazing they are will help a lot. Talk about what you admire about them and that these qualities are just what they need to get through this difficult time. ^{[19] X Research Source}

Consider making a list of their best qualities. This may be what the household needs to feel better.
Give specific examples of why you think they are so powerful. Remind them of the hardships they’ve been through and say you’re proud of how they’ve been through them.

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Help them become independent. If they used to do everything with someone who is no longer a part of their life, like a lover, they may feel like they need someone to move on. Help them realize they can live a fulfilling life without that person by encouraging them to do things alone or with friends. ^{[20] X Research Source}

This could include helping them find new hobbies – activities that don’t remind them of their ex, or even making some new friends. If most of the people they spend time with are also old friends, try introducing them to a few new friends who you didn’t know before.
If they have hobbies or have enjoyed certain activities, let them do them. Thereby, taking their mind away from the constant thinking about the broken love. ^{[21] X Research Source}

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Participate in activities together. Physical activity has a great mental impact and will help them work through their pain. Any kind of exercise, whether organized sport or simply play, will be good for them. ^{[22] X Research Source}

Consider inviting them to a gym class with you.
If you can’t get them involved in any activity, see if they’d be willing to go for a walk with you.

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Encourage them to seek professional help. If this friend is in a deep crisis and is having a hard time dealing with existing pain, encourage them to talk to a psychologist. It is possible that the professional will provide specialized support and encouragement – something that a loved one cannot do. ^{[23] X Research Sources}

This is especially important if the friend has suicidal feelings or is engaging in self-destructive behavior, such as drug use or self-injury. They need help and so make sure they get the help they need!
A support group may also be an option worth considering, depending on the pain they are facing. As a result, they will have the opportunity to talk to people who understand exactly what they are going through.

Preventing self-destructive behavior

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Recommend isolation from the tech world for a while. If they just broke up, they may have a tendency to want to talk badly about their ex or spread the word on social media. However, this really won’t do any good. Try to convince them to take a break from social media and maintain the privacy of their relationship. That way, they won’t have to see anything that their ex or friends post about the breakup. ^{[24] X Research Source}

A break from technology can also accommodate other forms of emotional pain, especially when they are surrounded and overwhelmed by sympathy and sharing from those around them.

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Prevent obsessive behavior. Some activities will only aggravate the pain and so try to identify destructive habits that will make them feel sad and dissuade them from continuing with them. Let them know how you feel about this and encourage them to let it go. ^{[25] X Research Sources}

Make sure they don’t harass their ex-boyfriends after the breakup. If they keep calling their ex-boyfriends or asking anyone who knows what he’s up to, let them know the behavior worries you.
If they simply lost their job, prevent them from reading (or posting) negative comments about their former employer online.

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Beware of unhealthy habits. We often forget about our health when we are faced with difficult times in our lives. So make sure this doesn’t happen to your friend. If you notice that they aren’t getting enough sleep, aren’t eating, or have started drinking or taking medications, express your concern and direct them to better health choices. ^{[26] X Research Sources}

When you notice any of these behaviors, have them sit down and talk face-to-face. Maybe they don’t realize what they’re doing.
If you’re really worried about your friend, talk to people who can help you support them. This is especially important if this friend has not yet reached adulthood. Their parents need to know about their self-destructive behavior.

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Consider the surrogate relationship with caution. There are disagreements about whether it is good to start a new relationship immediately after a breakup. If your friend jumps right into a new relationship after breaking up with someone, maybe you should chat and find out the reason behind their desire.

If you try to fill the void left by your ex by getting to know someone they’re not normally interested in, it’s possible that this alternative relationship will do more harm than good. ^{[27] X Research Source}
On the other hand, if they feel ready to date and seem to know what they’re looking for in a boyfriend, a new relationship could be just what they need. ^{[28] X Research Sources}

Advice

If they want to confide, let them do so. Make sure that instead of just listening, you actually listen. Do not interrupt them.
You may find yourself in a dilemma when their ex-boyfriend is also your friend. At that point, it’s important to talk to both of you about their expectations to avoid getting angry when you talk to either of them in the future.

Steps

Be with them

Help them get through

Preventing self-destructive behavior

Advice

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