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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 23,224 times.
Forgiving someone who hurt or betrayed you is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. However, learning to forgive is essential if you want to mend your relationship with that person, or simply forget the past and move on in life. Deal with negative emotions, confront the person who hurt you, and start moving forward in life.
Steps
Dealing with Negative Emotions
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Realize that anger is harmful. Forgiving someone who has done bad things to you is a bitter pill to swallow. Your first reaction may be to continue to be angry and blame the person who hurt you. While this is natural, continuing to get hurt and angry causes you more pain than the person you hate. For this reason, forgiveness is essential – not for the other person, but for yourself. [1] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- Holding a grudge can damage future relationships with others, cause depression or temper tantrums, and can isolate you from others. [2] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
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Decide to forgive. Forgiveness requires a conscious and proactive decision to let go of the negativity and move on in life. It doesn’t come naturally or easily. But forgiveness is something you have to do. [3] X Research Sources
- Often, people say they “can’t” forgive someone who has done them wrong. They believe that it is impossible to let go of hurt feelings and betrayals. However, they do not realize that forgiveness is an option. When you choose to forgive someone who hurt you, the person who benefits the most from this decision is you.
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Release anger. Let go of all negative feelings you have for that person. Allow yourself to cry, punch a sandbag, go outside and scream, or whatever helps you release these bad feelings. [4] X Source of Research Otherwise, they will sting and make you more miserable.
- Remember, you are not doing this to ease the conscience of others or to condone their actions. You do this to heal yourself and move forward.
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Hold your point. Try to gain a new perspective by taking a step back and looking at the problem objectively. Did the person intentionally hurt you? Was it something beyond his control? Does he try to apologize and make up for you? Try to consider everything and calmly analyze the situation. If you can understand why and how this happened, it will be easier to forgive.
- Ask yourself honestly how many times you have wronged others and been forgiven. Recall how it felt, and how relieved and grateful you were when others forgave you. It helps you to remember that we also sometimes unintentionally hurt others. [5] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
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Talk to someone. Talking to someone you trust will help you work through your feelings and get a fair shot. Taking everything off of you makes you feel like a burden has been lifted. A friend, family member, or therapist can sympathetically listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
- Although you may be advised to talk to the person who is having problems with you, wait until you are calm and have thought through your feelings. This will help you get rid of the person and the damage later on in the relationship. [6] X Research Sources
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Find positive ways to express yourself. This will help you release negative emotions and overcome the problem. Try reading a magazine or writing a letter, using creative methods like drawing and writing poetry, listening or writing music, jogging or dancing. Do things that help you relieve stress and make you feel better.
- Positively dealing with your emotions will make you more aware of the problem that needs to be faced. This is the key to recognizing and dealing with negative emotions, rather than ignoring them. [7] X Research Sources
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Seek inspiration from others. Read and listen to stories of people who have experienced forgiveness, in even worse situations than yours. They may be spiritual leaders, therapists, family members, or simply writers of their experiences. These will give you hope and perseverance.
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For time. Forgiveness doesn’t come with the snap of a finger. It requires calm, consistency, compassion and, above all, time. Forgiveness is possible, every day, little by little. Remember, no one goes to the end of their life thinking “I should have been angry longer”. In the end, love, understanding, and forgiveness are what matters most.
- There is no favorable time condition for forgiveness. You may find yourself holding a grudge for years, and then realize you need to talk to that person. Listen to your instincts. [8] X Research Sources
Facing Someone Who Hurts You
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Don’t rush to any conclusions. Not making hasty judgments is important when dealing with someone who has hurt you. If you act hastily, you may say or do things you will regret. It takes time to process what you know and gather information before taking action. [9] X Research Source
- Whether the person who hurt you is a close friend or family member, don’t overreact. Think about your past with that person and whether it was a mistake or a habit. Make sure you think calmly and rationally before saying anything that you can’t get back or take the person out of your life entirely.
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Ask to see the person who hurt you. Offer to meet in private. It should be made clear that this does not necessarily mean that things are back to normal between the two of you, but that you are ready to hear what the person has to say before moving forward. Tell them you’re ready to hear other sides of the story.
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Listen to the story on that person’s side. When listening to the person’s story, try to sit down and let them talk. Do not interrupt or deny them. If your relationship with that person is at risk, the least you can do is listen. [10] X Research Source
- The situation is clearly up to you, you should give yourself the opportunity to listen to the other person’s side of the story. You may be surprised by what is known, and if nothing else, you can make the right decision about what to do next.
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Get empathy. Try to be empathetic in the face of someone who has hurt you. Put yourself in that person’s shoes and ask yourself what you would do in a similar situation. Would you behave differently? [11] X Research Source
- Try to understand what the person’s motives and goals are. Did the person intentionally hurt you? Or are they just trying to be like that? Or is it simply their carelessness?
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Don’t get hot. When telling someone who hurt you, don’t say or do things that can’t be taken back. Yelling angrily and saying insults or accusations may make you feel better, but it won’t help the relationship in the long run. That backfires and can destroy your relationship forever. [12] X Research Source
- Stay calm in the face of someone who hurts you. Avoid making accusations when talking to the person. Instead of saying “You make me feel…” say “I feel…” Take a deep breath and if they say anything that provokes you, try to count to ten before responding.
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Tell the person how you feel. When it’s time to calm down and think things through, clearly explain to the person, in a calm and cautious manner, how their actions have hurt you and made you feel. This is very important, or else you will explode with anger and anger at the person, and make forgiveness impossible. Let the person know how this affects your relationship, especially if it’s romantic. [13] X Research Source
- Once you have expressed your feelings clearly, it is important that you move forward. If you’ve decided to forgive what the person has done, you can’t harbor that painful past every time you argue or bring up with them.
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Don’t try harder than lose. When it comes to forgiving intentions, it’s important to let go of your intentions to lose or take revenge on the person who hurt you. Trying to fight harder will only hurt more people, including you. You need to be strong, try to forgive and move forward. If possible, try to rebuild your trust and relationship. This is especially important if this is a conflict with a loved one. [14] X Research Source You need to deal with family tension, as you will have to see the person in person for a long time.
- For example, if your best friend cheats on you, there’s nothing you can do about cheating back. You only cause more suffering and enmity. Two wrongs do not make one right. Your forgiveness will be worthless if it comes after you have avenged the person.
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Let the person know you have forgiven them. If the person begs for forgiveness, they will be grateful and relieved that you can continue to build this relationship. If the person doesn’t ask for forgiveness, then at least you can put it aside and move on in life. [15] X Research Source
- Remember that forgiving someone else doesn’t necessarily mean that things will return to normal between the two of you. If you feel that the person can hurt you over and over again or think you can’t trust them anymore, that’s okay. Just make it clear to that person. This may seem easier with the relationship ended, as the two of you won’t have to see each other as often. But it will be more difficult to do that with family relationships, as the two of you will have to see each other a lot.
Move forward
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Find out what you want. It’s important to understand that even if you’ve forgiven the person, you don’t have to let them back into your life. Decide if you want to rebuild the relationship or let the person go. To do this, you need to think carefully and thoroughly about your relationship. Is it worth rebuilding? Will the person hurt you again if you get back with them? [16] X Research Source
- In some cases, like an abusive relationship or someone who has cheated on you many times, it’s safe and healthy to let that person out of your life forever.
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Focus on the future. Once you’ve made the decision to forgive, you need to let go of the past and focus on the future. If you think the relationship is worth mending, you can slowly start moving forward. Let the person know that even though they hurt you, you still love and want them in your life. [17] X Research Source
- If you keep your bad past in your heart, you will never truly forgive or move forward. Look on the bright side and see this situation as an opportunity to start over. That could be what your relationship needs.
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Rebuild trust. It can be difficult to rebuild trust once you’ve been hurt. However, it’s important that you believe in yourself – trust your judgment and ability to make the right decisions. You can then rebuild trust with that person.
- Make a commitment to be completely open and honest with each other about everything. This takes time. Trust cannot be obtained in a day or two. You need to give that person time to build trust in you.
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Make a list of the positives. Try to see the good side of things by making a list of the positive things you got from this experience. They could be: realizing your capacity for understanding and forgiveness, learning valuable life lessons about trust, or having a stronger relationship with the person who wronged you because you both made it through. through challenge.
- If you keep thinking about the hurt and suffering the other person caused you, don’t let those thoughts stay in your head. [18] X Research Sources If you do, you may have to look back to the past for answers. Don’t see this as another reason to be angry. Instead, see it as an opportunity to heal.
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Remember you did the right thing. Sometimes forgiveness won’t mean anything to the person and sometimes the relationship just can’t be mended. Even if the situation doesn’t resolve itself the way you hoped, remember that you did the right thing. Forgiveness is a noble act, and you will not regret it.
- Remember that forgiveness is a process. Forgiving someone with words doesn’t make it happen. You need to do it, little by little, every day. However, saying it out loud will help you be more solid about your decision.
Warning
- Never use force. This only makes things worse.
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 23,224 times.
Forgiving someone who hurt or betrayed you is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. However, learning to forgive is essential if you want to mend your relationship with that person, or simply forget the past and move on in life. Deal with negative emotions, confront the person who hurt you, and start moving forward in life.
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