How to Deal with Jealousy

Understand feelings of envy. Envy is a complex emotion that includes many different feelings such as: fear, loss, anger, jealousy, sadness, feelings of betrayal, feelings of dissatisfaction, and humiliation. ^[1] If you are feeling jealous, understand that there are a range of different emotions that accompany jealousy, but envy is the first feeling you notice. Take time to think carefully about your feelings.

• Write about feelings. If you are a visual person, make a chart or draw a picture that represents all the different emotions you feel and their connection to envy.
• Pay attention to how your body expresses emotions. Fear sometimes makes you feel like your chest and stomach are sagging and constricting. Meanwhile, anger often manifests itself through feelings of intensity and tension in the head and arms. ^[2]

Overcome emotions. Learn to question envy every time it comes up. For example, say to yourself, “Am I jealous because I feel scared or angry? Why am I feeling scared or angry right now?” When you begin to question what is causing you to be jealous right now, you will take positive steps to constructively regulate your emotions without being surrounded by negative emotions. Extreme is often accompanied by envy.

Find the source of envy. It can be difficult to admit that you are having negative emotions, and that often leads to blaming others. Avoid this by taking a tolerant view of your jealousy. Consider all the emotions associated with jealousy and think of a cause for each emotion. For example, if you feel jealous of your lover/partner’s friend, think of all the ways that led to this feeling in one sentence. Perhaps you feel fear because you don’t want to lose your lover/partner (or perhaps you have lost a loved one in the past), grief at the thought of loss, feelings of betrayal because you feel your partner has to give you all of your attention and lack confidence because you’re not sure you deserve to be loved. ^[3]

• Rewriting parts of the memory make this emotion worse. For example, maybe you feel scared about losing your lover/partner because the past separation was really painful and you fear that you will have to go through the same thing. For example, you feel like you don’t deserve to be loved because you were once ignored by your parents. ^[4]

Choose to trust. Believe in the people you love. Choose to trust instead of doubt. If you don’t have convincing evidence that someone is cheating on you, choose to trust. Do not stealthily look for evidence, recognize them in every word of your loved ones. Jealousy can only destroy a relationship if you hide it and blame it all on someone else.

Apologies and explanations. Say, “I’m sorry for causing trouble by questioning your friendship with Hoa. It’s not that I don’t trust you—I’m just feeling insecure. Thank you for listening to me.” . This will often give both of you enough space to discuss what happened—realize that you’re feeling insecure and that you both need to be more open with each other about what you’re going through.

Be open about your jealousy. Sharing your true feelings with friends and family can help you build lasting relationships. It will also instill more confidence in the people you share it with, allowing them to point out times when you have made unreasonable, jealous demands. Although it hurts to admit your jealousy, a relationship built on honesty will last longer than a relationship filled with lies. ^[5]

• Avoid blaming others. Other people do not create negative feelings for you and you are responsible for your own behavior.
• Use sentences that begin with “I” instead of saying anything related to the phrase “You make me feel…” Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t do that,” say, “I feel like that.” I feel horrible when we’re in public and I don’t know what else to say about you.”
• Understand that the way you perceive situations can be completely silly compared to how others perceive them. You must volunteer to listen to the other person even if you disagree.

Seek help. If you cause bodily harm, scream, curse or stalk your partner/partner, distance yourself from them immediately and seek professional help. You should seek out your doctor for a referral to a therapist or take an anger management class. ^[6]