How to deal with being estranged

It must be painful to be ignored by someone, but remember the big picture you haven’t seen yet. If you’re estranged and feeling hurt, try talking to the person and figure out what’s wrong.

Table of Contents

Defining the situation

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Avoid jumping to conclusions right away. Being ignored by the other party is sad and easy to lead to admitting the worst. Don’t jump to the conclusion that someone has grudges or is deliberately cold to you. Try to think of a few reasons why they seem indifferent to you. Eg:

They are focusing on other matters, like housework or work.
You have upset them without even knowing it, and they feel hurt.
They just don’t feel “fit” for you, so they spend more time with other people.
They’re keeping a secret (like a surprise party) for you, and they’re afraid they’ll let it out if they talk to you.
They get nervous around you for some reason (like having a crush on you or being overwhelmed by you).
They’re just not very social and they’re just as indifferent to anyone.

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Recall some of your recent actions. This is quite challenging. Because humans don’t want to admit they’re wrong or have done something to upset anyone. Take a deep breath and re-evaluate some of your recent interactions with them. Anything stressful? Is there any possibility of them getting hurt?

Make a plan to apologize if you realize you made a mistake. Even if the other party doesn’t behave properly, it’s better to act right yourself first.
Practice several different meditation methods if recall is too difficult.
If you can’t see things objectively, try asking others if they know what’s going on, outsiders can give you some objective judgment.

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Invite them to talk privately. Sometimes the best way to get to the root of things is to sit down with the other person and unravel. Send an email or letter asking when you can talk privately at a certain time and place.

Choose a non-busy time, when you’re both free and free of distractions.
Meeting privately helps you to solve all your problems (if any) without being embarrassed when in public.
If you’re particularly worried or think things might not go well, ask a third party (like a mutual friend, counselor, someone with a voice) to mediate.

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Be kind. If they see you’re trying, they’ll probably talk to you again. Being rude to them only makes the conflict bigger and more confusing.

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Express your feelings. Emphasize yourself and how you feel. Choose not to judge the situation, just say how it makes you feel. For example:

“Recently when the three of us went out, he talked to Sa and I listened. I feel like I’ve been left out.”
“Mom, I see you playing games with the hyungs a lot. I’m glad my family has such a good relationship, but I feel like I’m left out. I wish I could spend more time with my mom.”
“Brother, I saw you recently after work, you hang out with your friends until late at night. I miss you so much and want to spend more time with you.”
“Are you mad at me, I see you don’t reply to my texts and calls for 2 days.”

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Listen to them. A lot of times they don’t even know they’re separating from you, or because they’re dealing with something you don’t know about. Be willing to accept a reasonable explanation.

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Willing to cooperate on the solution if it is practical. The two of you can talk about ways to improve your relationship. Clearing things up and coming to a consensus helps the two of you find a way to get through it.

“If I read the same book as you, will it help the three of us have something in common to talk about? I’m willing to do it, the book sounds good.”
“I heard that my mom plays with my brothers more because they invite me to play games. So if you want to spend time with me, you have to ask too, right?”
“I don’t know if I overloaded you. Or we spend 2 nights a week just for ourselves, I’ll go out with friends so I don’t have to be lonely anymore”
“I can’t change my sexual orientation. If you don’t like me because I’m gay, that’s your problem, and you don’t need to spend time with me anymore.”

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It’s time to let go. If you don’t want to talk about it, if you’re having a bad time, or things are turning loud and accusing, maybe it’s time to let go. You can turn the matter over at a more appropriate time, or to assess whether the relationship is worth preserving.

“You look cold. Can we talk about this today?”
“I’d like to have a closer relationship with you, but if that’s not your priority, we don’t need to talk about it anymore.”
“I don’t want to argue with you. Maybe we should stay away from each other for a while.”
“If you just want to mock me, I’m sorry.”
“Let’s talk about this later, when you’re both calmer.”

Know when to let go

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Don’t feel offended. Most people get estranged from someone at some point in their life. Don’t let their rudeness prevail, let them see it doesn’t matter to you. ^{[1] X Research Source} Make it their problem, not yours.

Realize and accept that not everyone likes you. Even the kindest and most popular person in the world is forced to face being hated again and again.

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Towards the future, bypassing barriers. It’s not easy, but if you make time for your own goals, then other people’s opinions and attitudes toward you won’t matter. ^{[2] X Research Source} Thinking they’re just invisible walls doesn’t mean anything in your life, it just exists.

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Ignore them . If a person doesn’t want to communicate with you for various reasons, then don’t socialize with them either. By ignoring the opposite, you will get the other person’s attention. This is also a way to make you “cooler”. Even if your heart aches, this is still an effective solution.

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Give them more time and space. Some people simply need some time to themselves. Although it may sound unfair, there will be people who will ignore you because they like it. While this can be painful and disappointing, be patient.

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Don’t force anyone to change. You can’t force someone to behave elegantly when they already want to be rude. ^{[3] X Research Sources} Sometimes the best way is to let them figure it out on their own.

Build confidence

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Set healthy boundaries with others. Setting boundaries can be difficult if you’re not used to it, but it’s ultimately something that benefits all your relationships and your mental health. Be honest with people, let them know what you need and the necessary limits, you will find it easier to breathe when all needs are met. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Explain your boundaries clearly, letting others know the possible consequences if they violate your boundaries.
For example, if your partner is cold to you and only plays on the phone while you’re eating together, say something like, “I feel neglected and disrespected when you keep staring at your phone. If you don’t like spending quality time with me, just let me know and I’ll plan another meal out.”
If people aren’t used to you setting boundaries with them, they may be disappointed, surprised, or even angry. However, if they really care about you, they must respect your boundaries.

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Make the list. Take the time to make three lists: your strengths, your accomplishments, and the things you admire about yourself. ^{[5] X Research Resources} You will probably need a trusted relative to help you with this. Keep the list in a safe place, and take it out and read it whenever you feel down.

You can also collect the good things that other people say about you.

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Keep yourself clean. Make sure to take care of yourself neatly, pay attention to hair, ears, nails, teeth. ^{[6] X Research Source}

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Clean up the place. You will be surprised how much your mental health improves with clean living conditions. Focus on your own room, maybe even ask someone to help rearrange the furniture in the room. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Start doing hobbies. Participate in activities such as painting, singing, writing poetry or dancing. ^{[8] X Research Sources} Participating in artistic activities helps develop self-expression and strengthens a sense of mastery. This will convey a positive interaction to everyone. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Dedication. Participating in volunteer organizations with the community will be a positive experience. Making a difference builds a positive view of yourself. ^{[10] X Research Source}

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Take time to consider your feelings. Your insecurities about the people around you come from your self-esteem. Try to separate the emotion from the actual situation. This is not easy because people are emotional subjects, but try to see the situation with unbiased eyes. You can also do writing exercises to help you think more fluently.

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Seek professional help if needed. If being estranged is making it difficult for you, professionals can help. Therapists or counselors in the school are the ones who give advice to people in similar situations. If you’re still in school, you’ll want to see an on-campus counselor first as it doesn’t cost anything.

Build lasting friendships

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Find new, more complete friendships . If your friends ignore you or don’t appreciate you, then it’s time to find new friends. Find people who sympathize and share your interests, lifting you up, not trampling or indifferent to you.

If you don’t know how to find friends, try joining a club or organization where people share your interests.
If you have friends who constantly ignore, lower, or violate your boundaries, you should avoid or cut ties with them.

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Connect with the people who love you. The friends you had before you were abandoned may still be friends. Things can get a little awkward when you start to get closer to your other friends, but just be honest with them.

Do activities you both enjoy.

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Open your heart to everyone. Share your fears, shortcomings, and insecurities. ^{[11] X Research Source} Being fragile is a difficult feeling to go through with someone, but it helps to create a human connection. You can go back and forth and tell each other about past difficulties.

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Keep the means of communication active. The more methods you have for communicating with people, the better. ^{[12] X Research Sources} The world today can be difficult to grasp for everything. So regularly check social networks and phones to keep up with friends’ information.

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Contact your friends often. It’s normal for friends to call each other. Try calling for serious advice or just to share something meaningful that happened to you. ^{[13] X Research Source}

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Always ready to help. If your friend is going through something, you should spend time with them. Friendship cannot be one-sided. If you have other plans, try to arrange or indicate that you have other unscheduled work to deal with.

Advice

Avoid making a big deal out of it. No matter how angry or sad you are, throwing a tantrum (especially in public) only makes the situation worse. Instead, take a break. Say you need to rest or breathe, then get out.

Steps

Defining the situation

Know when to let go

Build confidence

Build lasting friendships

Advice

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