How to Deal with a Narcissistic Husband

Narcissists are people who see themselves as “the navel of the universe”, they are overly self-centered, have a need for attention and admiration but lack empathy. They are very narcissistic and vulnerable to criticism. If you are married to a narcissistic husband, hopefully this article can help you deal with or curb his behavior.

Table of Contents

Know what a toxic relationship looks like

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Determine if your husband is selfish. People who love themselves too much are often extremely selfish, thinking only of themselves. Their egos are too big; They are always hungry for attention and admiration. ^{[1] X Source of Research} They are very arrogant and are always looking for ways to be on top or get what they want. For that reason, a narcissistic husband may not love you as much as he loves himself. He only cares about his own needs and interests and doesn’t care about your needs and interests.

People who love themselves too much are also people who lack empathy, they do not know how to put themselves in other people’s shoes or understand and care about other people’s feelings. ^{[2] X Research Source}

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Consider whether your husband is overly jealous. Narcissists are often obsessed with the idea of always taking the lead and being applauded, so they often get jealous when they see others succeed. This personality trait can lead to possessive, even abusive behaviors.

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Ask yourself if your husband is controlling or manipulative. Narcissistic husbands can find ways to manipulate their wives by isolating them from friends and family, thereby forcing their wives to depend on them. The husband may also try to control and manipulate his wife by not showing affection or concern for her. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Some narcissistic husbands may trick their wives into verbal and emotional abuse. They will make you suffer or torment to dominate you. ^{[4] X Research Sources}
They can also resort to rage to control and control you.

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Think about whether your husband is a liar. Narcissists often use lies to manipulate their spouse. They only tell half the truth or make up a completely different version of the truth so as not to be held responsible for anything. Many times it is the wife who is to blame. ^{[5] X Research Sources} This affects the wife badly, as she ends up bearing all the responsibility, guilt, and guilt.

Dealing with a narcissistic husband

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Talk to your husband. As a husband and wife, the two of you can talk openly and honestly about problems that arise. You need to stay calm when talking to him. Remember to use a persuasive tone of voice and a gentle demeanor to express that you are upset that your relationship is going the way it is. Avoid using abusive tones and words. Narcissists often don’t handle criticism well.

Tell your husband how his selfishness makes you feel. Try saying something like, “I need to talk to you about how you behave. I’m really upset because…” If you’re suspecting that he’s cheating on you or spending too much time with other women, try saying “You hold a very special place in my heart. I often hear you talking to her and I’m afraid I’m not enough for you.” If your husband says things that hurt you, you say, “I take your opinion very seriously; when I hear you say that, I feel low and worthless in your eyes.” Try not to yell at your husband angrily. Your hurt feelings and fears are a much more effective way of communicating ^{[6] X Research Source}
Consider your husband’s reactions and moods on a scale of 1-10. If his anger or frustration level is 3 or higher, wait a while before suggesting a solution. It’s counterproductive to bring up this issue when your husband is agitated.

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Ask questions to find out why your husband is behaving this way. Asking questions is one way to please the narcissist, as the conversation will revolve around him.

Repeat what your husband says to you to show that you are listening. This will put him at the center, and this may help when you talk about your concerns later.
Follow what your husband says. If he says, “I don’t think anyone appreciates what you’ve done,” respond, “I know that feeling. It must be frustrating and frustrating” ^{[7] X Research Source}

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Use the pronoun we instead of you . When pointing out your husband’s mistake or asking him to see a marriage and family counselor, use the pronoun “we” instead of “you”. This creates a sense of shared responsibility and mistakes, without implying that it’s all his fault, which can lead to negative reactions in narcissists.

Instead of saying, “I suffer because of your selfishness,” say, “We hurt each other because sometimes we think about ourselves more than we think about each other.”

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Choose words to make things seem in his favor. Self-loving people rarely care about the needs of others. To get what you want, you need to do it all for him.”

If you want to go to a friend’s house for dinner, don’t say “I want to go to Thanh and Huong’s house for dinner”. Say, “She really likes you; he and his wife want to invite you to dinner.” ^{[8] X Research Sources}
Convince your husband that what he does for you creates a good image. Say something like “If you help me clean the garage, people will see how thoughtful you are to me.” ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Approach a counselor cautiously. Many narcissists react strongly to the idea of therapy, so you need to choose your words carefully when suggesting this solution. How can he see that this is a common problem between the two of you and that there are problems that both of you can overcome. Then you can convince him to agree to come with you to see a counselor. You should take responsibility for your actions instead of pushing it all on him.

For example, say, “I want to see a counselor to see how we can communicate better and have more fun together. I want to find ways to improve our relationship. so that we both get what we want.” That sounds like goodwill.
Willing to go to many therapy sessions together. This is important, as one session is often not enough. You should try to go 3-4 sessions. Your therapist will help you decide this.

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Ask a trusted relative or friend for advice. The advice of a loved one or friend can help you deal with an overly narcissistic husband. They can also tell you how long the problem has been going on. Has he been like this since he was a teenager, or did this phenomenon happen recently?

Talk to family members or your husband about his past. Is there anything you and your husband can work through together to ease the problem?
Ask friends and family what they have done to deal with him in the past. Maybe they have more experience than you.

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Try to find the root of the problem. Men also feel insecure, and sometimes they hide their insecurities in unacceptable ways. If your husband’s narcissistic tendencies are recent, try to figure out what happened that caused him to start behaving this way. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes to find out what makes him hurt.

For example, if your husband is injured, or if you have just found a job, he may feel that he is not worthy of you. Perhaps your husband is trying to draw attention to you.
If your husband says, “My life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to.” You might respond, “You may be right, but we still have many other good things. I’ll try to fix the things that make you unhappy.” Then, point out the positives in your life and relationship, and help him list things that you two can do together to bring about positive changes.
If your husband has been injured recently, tell him, “Darling, I know you’re not feeling well right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re less valuable,” or “Even if I get a new job, I won’t change.” change the way you look at him. You bring me many other valuable things than just money.”

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See if your husband is willing to change. If your husband is willing to change, there may be a way for the two of you to work through the problem together, otherwise there is little hope of improving your relationship.

Talk to your husband about his behavior and wait to see his reaction. You can start off bluntly, like, “I feel like you don’t like me, and our relationship is more about you than about me.” However, this approach may not work for people with severe narcissism. Instead, start a conversation with petting words and put him in the center. You could say, “You are the breadwinner in the house and play a very important role in the family relationship,” then tactfully talk about your concerns. ^{[10] X Research Source}

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Give him small treats. Sometimes it takes a little effort to get the narcissist to do something. Try using a reward strategy to encourage your husband to help you. This will make him change his mindset from “whatever you want” to “reciprocity”.

If you want your husband to mow the lawn in your yard, promise to do something after he’s done. For example, “If you mow the lawn for me at the weekend, next Tuesday I’ll make chicken wings and pies for you to gather with your friends to play poker.” Remember, reward only after your husband has finished the task. So he’ll start to understand that he has to help you before he gets a reward.

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Pay attention to him. Your husband is your life partner and deserves to be loved. However, just because you care about your husband doesn’t mean you support his ego. Spend time with your husband, say affectionate words, think of activities for the couple to do together after work or on weekends. Regularly send messages to each other. Narcissists will enjoy this kind of attention, because they have a sense of being noticed.

Spend half an hour or 45 minutes each night talking to each other and talking about the events of the day. To get him to listen to you, say, “You and I can each spend half an hour telling each other the stories of our day,” or suggest switching the roles of speaker and listener between stories.
When choosing weekend activities, you should arrange them so that your husband feels he is the center of attention. If you want to go to the movies, say, “I know you want to see the new movie. Why don’t I go see it?” If you want to go on a picnic, you can say, “Looks like you need to de-stress; I’m going on a picnic.”

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Please be patient. Remember that big change always takes time. Don’t expect the other person to change immediately. Continue to be gentle, kind, understanding and loving.

Show humility to set an example against your husband’s narcissism. Don’t be sarcastic or hypocritical.
Be honest when evaluating his progress. Is your husband really trying to change? Does he continue to be mean to you? Is this relationship worth the sacrifices you make?

Take care of yourself

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Establish your strong position in marriage. You must have your place in married life. Take control of some matters, whether it’s your finances, your home, your sex life, or anything else. Narcissists often consider themselves the most important person in a relationship; so you need to let your husband know that you are just as important as he is.

Use humor in some situations. If your husband thinks he’s perfect, use humor to eliminate that illusion. Help your husband realize that he’s not perfect, not number one or the center of the universe. Let him know that he is important and that you love him, but that others are just as important.

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Remember that you have your worth. Most narcissists feel they are entitled to favors; maybe he thinks “I deserve special treatment because I am the one who earns and pays for my family”. However, nothing will allow him to disrespect you or anyone else.

Be aware that problems may arise when you confront your husband. Set some ground rules and stick to them. Always prepare a pause plan; Maybe you both need time to calm down before continuing the conversation. If this doesn’t work, seek professional advice before the situation gets worse.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Dr. Adam Dorsay is a psychologist working for a private company in San Jose, CA. He specializes in helping successful but troubled people in love and marriage, reduce stress and anxiety, and help them be happier in life. In 2016, he gave a TED talk on men and men’s feelings. He is the co-founder of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook’s headquarters, and currently advises Digital Ocean to support their Safety Team. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Children of narcissistic parents will also choose narcissistic partners. Adam Dorsay, a psychologist, says: “Unfortunately, many people with narcissistic parents also choose a narcissist spouse because that’s all they know . They feel compelled to imitate their parents’ relationship and have a different outcome. They often think they can marry, love, and save their narcissistic partner. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to find love in a narcissist.”

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Regain confidence. Relationships with a narcissist can have a negative impact on your self-confidence. You need to start rebuilding your confidence. Use confidence to handle the situation your husband has pushed you into and stay calm when he reacts badly to your attempts at dialogue. ^{[11] X Research Source}

Looking for pastimes. Feeling like a valuable person will help you regain your confidence. You can learn to sew, learn to dance, start jogging or writing. Do something that brings you joy.

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Learn to move away. When your husband gets angry because something isn’t going his way, remember that it’s just a way for him to control you. Turn away, leave the room, leave the house or roll your eyes. This will reduce his power over you and make you stronger.

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Set up a support system. You will need a support network because your husband won’t give you that. This system may include friends, family, or a mental health professional. They can help you maintain confidence, strength, and a sense of worth. ^{[12] X Research Source}

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Consider divorce. If your relationship has reached a point of violence, beyond your ability to handle, or damaging to your mental and emotional health, then it may be time to separate or get a divorce.

Be assertive if you want a divorce. When talking with a legal counsel, you should keep your emotions under control. Usually, narcissists won’t be able to control their emotions, so you need to be calm and in control. You should present evidence when reporting your husband’s behavior without showing anger or hesitation. Be frank and tell the truth.
Describe his narcissistic behavior. However, you should be careful about calling your husband a narcissist, as the legal professional may not understand what that means. Instead, report his narcissistic behaviors.

Steps

Know what a toxic relationship looks like

Dealing with a narcissistic husband

Take care of yourself

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