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This article was co-written by Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Dr. Adam Dorsay is a psychologist working for a private company in San Jose, CA. He specializes in helping successful but troubled people in love and marriage, reduce stress and anxiety, and help them be happier in life. In 2016, he gave a TED talk on men and men’s feelings. He is the co-founder of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook’s headquarters, and currently advises Digital Ocean to support their Safety Team. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology in 2008.
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Narcissists are people who see themselves as “the navel of the universe”, they are overly self-centered, have a need for attention and admiration but lack empathy. They are very narcissistic and vulnerable to criticism. If you are married to a narcissistic husband, hopefully this article can help you deal with or curb his behavior.
Steps
Know what a toxic relationship looks like
- People who love themselves too much are also people who lack empathy, they do not know how to put themselves in other people’s shoes or understand and care about other people’s feelings. [2] X Research Source
- Some narcissistic husbands may trick their wives into verbal and emotional abuse. They will make you suffer or torment to dominate you. [4] X Research Sources
- They can also resort to rage to control and control you.
Dealing with a narcissistic husband
- Tell your husband how his selfishness makes you feel. Try saying something like, “I need to talk to you about how you behave. I’m really upset because…” If you’re suspecting that he’s cheating on you or spending too much time with other women, try saying “You hold a very special place in my heart. I often hear you talking to her and I’m afraid I’m not enough for you.” If your husband says things that hurt you, you say, “I take your opinion very seriously; when I hear you say that, I feel low and worthless in your eyes.” Try not to yell at your husband angrily. Your hurt feelings and fears are a much more effective way of communicating [6] X Research Source
- Consider your husband’s reactions and moods on a scale of 1-10. If his anger or frustration level is 3 or higher, wait a while before suggesting a solution. It’s counterproductive to bring up this issue when your husband is agitated.
- Repeat what your husband says to you to show that you are listening. This will put him at the center, and this may help when you talk about your concerns later.
- Follow what your husband says. If he says, “I don’t think anyone appreciates what you’ve done,” respond, “I know that feeling. It must be frustrating and frustrating” [7] X Research Source
- Instead of saying, “I suffer because of your selfishness,” say, “We hurt each other because sometimes we think about ourselves more than we think about each other.”
- If you want to go to a friend’s house for dinner, don’t say “I want to go to Thanh and Huong’s house for dinner”. Say, “She really likes you; he and his wife want to invite you to dinner.” [8] X Research Sources
- Convince your husband that what he does for you creates a good image. Say something like “If you help me clean the garage, people will see how thoughtful you are to me.” [9] X Research Source
- For example, say, “I want to see a counselor to see how we can communicate better and have more fun together. I want to find ways to improve our relationship. so that we both get what we want.” That sounds like goodwill.
- Willing to go to many therapy sessions together. This is important, as one session is often not enough. You should try to go 3-4 sessions. Your therapist will help you decide this.
- Talk to family members or your husband about his past. Is there anything you and your husband can work through together to ease the problem?
- Ask friends and family what they have done to deal with him in the past. Maybe they have more experience than you.
- For example, if your husband is injured, or if you have just found a job, he may feel that he is not worthy of you. Perhaps your husband is trying to draw attention to you.
- If your husband says, “My life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to.” You might respond, “You may be right, but we still have many other good things. I’ll try to fix the things that make you unhappy.” Then, point out the positives in your life and relationship, and help him list things that you two can do together to bring about positive changes.
- If your husband has been injured recently, tell him, “Darling, I know you’re not feeling well right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re less valuable,” or “Even if I get a new job, I won’t change.” change the way you look at him. You bring me many other valuable things than just money.”
- Talk to your husband about his behavior and wait to see his reaction. You can start off bluntly, like, “I feel like you don’t like me, and our relationship is more about you than about me.” However, this approach may not work for people with severe narcissism. Instead, start a conversation with petting words and put him in the center. You could say, “You are the breadwinner in the house and play a very important role in the family relationship,” then tactfully talk about your concerns. [10] X Research Source
- If you want your husband to mow the lawn in your yard, promise to do something after he’s done. For example, “If you mow the lawn for me at the weekend, next Tuesday I’ll make chicken wings and pies for you to gather with your friends to play poker.” Remember, reward only after your husband has finished the task. So he’ll start to understand that he has to help you before he gets a reward.
- Spend half an hour or 45 minutes each night talking to each other and talking about the events of the day. To get him to listen to you, say, “You and I can each spend half an hour telling each other the stories of our day,” or suggest switching the roles of speaker and listener between stories.
- When choosing weekend activities, you should arrange them so that your husband feels he is the center of attention. If you want to go to the movies, say, “I know you want to see the new movie. Why don’t I go see it?” If you want to go on a picnic, you can say, “Looks like you need to de-stress; I’m going on a picnic.”
- Show humility to set an example against your husband’s narcissism. Don’t be sarcastic or hypocritical.
- Be honest when evaluating his progress. Is your husband really trying to change? Does he continue to be mean to you? Is this relationship worth the sacrifices you make?
Take care of yourself
- Use humor in some situations. If your husband thinks he’s perfect, use humor to eliminate that illusion. Help your husband realize that he’s not perfect, not number one or the center of the universe. Let him know that he is important and that you love him, but that others are just as important.
- Be aware that problems may arise when you confront your husband. Set some ground rules and stick to them. Always prepare a pause plan; Maybe you both need time to calm down before continuing the conversation. If this doesn’t work, seek professional advice before the situation gets worse.
Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a psychologist working for a private company in San Jose, CA. He specializes in helping successful but troubled people in love and marriage, reduce stress and anxiety, and help them be happier in life. In 2016, he gave a TED talk on men and men’s feelings. He is the co-founder of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook’s headquarters, and currently advises Digital Ocean to support their Safety Team. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology in 2008.
Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Children of narcissistic parents will also choose narcissistic partners. Adam Dorsay, a psychologist, says: “Unfortunately, many people with narcissistic parents also choose a narcissist spouse because that’s all they know . They feel compelled to imitate their parents’ relationship and have a different outcome. They often think they can marry, love, and save their narcissistic partner. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to find love in a narcissist.”
- Looking for pastimes. Feeling like a valuable person will help you regain your confidence. You can learn to sew, learn to dance, start jogging or writing. Do something that brings you joy.
- Be assertive if you want a divorce. When talking with a legal counsel, you should keep your emotions under control. Usually, narcissists won’t be able to control their emotions, so you need to be calm and in control. You should present evidence when reporting your husband’s behavior without showing anger or hesitation. Be frank and tell the truth.
- Describe his narcissistic behavior. However, you should be careful about calling your husband a narcissist, as the legal professional may not understand what that means. Instead, report his narcissistic behaviors.
This article was co-written by Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Dr. Adam Dorsay is a psychologist working for a private company in San Jose, CA. He specializes in helping successful but troubled people in love and marriage, reduce stress and anxiety, and help them be happier in life. In 2016, he gave a TED talk on men and men’s feelings. He is the co-founder of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook’s headquarters, and currently advises Digital Ocean to support their Safety Team. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology in 2008.
This article has been viewed 6,684 times.
Narcissists are people who see themselves as “the navel of the universe”, they are overly self-centered, have a need for attention and admiration but lack empathy. They are very narcissistic and vulnerable to criticism. If you are married to a narcissistic husband, hopefully this article can help you deal with or curb his behavior.
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