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This article was co-written by Tracy Carver, PhD. Tracy Carver is an award-winning psychologist living in Austin, Texas. Carver specializes in counseling on issues related to self-esteem, anxiety and depression. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, a master’s degree in educational psychology, and a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. Carver also completed an internship in clinical psychology at Harvard University School of Medicine. She was named one of the best mental health professionals in Austin by Austin Fit Magazine for four years in a row. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights and KVUE (ABC News’ Austin affiliate).
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 68,251 times.
Comforting someone who is upset can make you feel helpless. In most situations, there’s nothing you can do physically to help the person. However, simply being present and willing to listen is the most important measure you can take.
Steps
Know what to say
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Inspire conversation. Let the person know that you notice they are upset and that you are there to listen. If you don’t know the person well, you can state why you want to help them. [1] X Research Source
- For example, if you know the person, you could say, “I see you’re having a hard time. Would you like to share it with me?”.
- If you don’t know the person well, you can say, “Hi, my name is Chau. I’m also a student at the school, and I see you crying. I know I’m just a stranger, but what if you want, I’m willing to listen to the problem that’s bothering you.”
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Be truth. This means you’ll probably want to circle around when you know what’s going on. If the person’s loved one has just passed away or if they’ve just broken up with someone they really care about, you may not want to talk about the matter in person because you’re afraid you’ll hurt the person even more. However, the person knows well what is going on and is probably thinking about the situation as well. Straightforwardly asking about it will let the person know that you care and are willing to deal with the problem without embellishing it, and this can provide some relief. [2] X Research Source
- For example, you could say something like, “I heard your father just died. You must be heartbroken. Would you like to talk about this?”.
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Ask about their feelings. Another way to help keep the conversation going is to ask about the person’s feelings. In any situation, the person will feel a lot of emotions, even in a sad situation, so allowing them to be open about all their feelings can be quite helpful. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, if the person’s father or mother has just passed away after a long battle with illness, of course, they will feel sad. But they may also feel relief because the illness is finally over and at the same time they feel guilty that they had this feeling.
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Pay attention to that person. You may want to compare the problem they are having with the problem you have overcome in the past. However, when someone is upset, they don’t necessarily want to hear anything about the situation you’ve been in. They want to talk about what’s going on in the present. [4] X Research Sources
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Don’t try to turn the conversation into a positive one right away. Helping others by redirecting their attention to the positive side of the problem is quite natural. However, when you do this, they will likely feel as though you are avoiding the problem; this can make them feel as if their feelings don’t matter. You just need to listen and don’t try to bring up the positive side of things. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, don’t say something like, “Well, at least you’re alive,” “Not everything is so bad,” or “Cheer up!”.
- Instead, if you need to say something, use a statement such as “You can totally feel sad; you’re going through a tough time.”
Learn to listen attentively
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Understand that the person wants to be heard. Most of the time, the person who is crying or sad just wants to be heard. Don’t interrupt them and don’t offer solutions. [6] X Research Source
- You can offer them solutions as the conversation nears its end, but in the beginning, you should just focus on listening to them. [7] X Research Sources
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Express understanding. One way to listen attentively is to repeat what the other person is saying. Meaning, you can say, “I heard you say you’re upset because your friend isn’t paying attention to you”. [8] X Research Sources
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Don’t let yourself be distracted. Stay focused on the conversation. Turn off the TV. Stop being glued to your cell phone. [9] X Research Source
- Part of the process of staying focused is that you shouldn’t daydream either. Also, don’t just sit there and try to think about the next thing you need to say. Be really attentive to what the other person is sharing.
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Use body language to let the person know that you are listening. This means you should look the person in the eye. Nod to what they say. Smile at the right time, and show interest by raising your eyebrows. [10] X Research Source
- At the same time, you should also maintain open body language. This means don’t cross your arms and legs and face the person. [11] X Research Source
finished the conversation
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Acknowledge your own helplessness. Most people feel helpless in the face of someone who is struggling. This is a natural feeling, and you won’t know what to say to the person. However, you just need to acknowledge the truth and tell the person that you are always there for him or her is more than enough. [12] X Research Source
- For example, you could say, “I’m so sorry you’re having this problem. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, and I know that no words can help you. But I want you to know that I’ll be there when you need me.”
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Give the person a hug. If you feel comfortable, you can give the person a hug. However, it is better to consult with them first, because many people dislike physical contact, especially if they have experienced some form of trauma. [13] X Research Source
- For example, you could say “Can I give you a hug or not?”.
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Learn about the next step. While you can’t always find a solution to a problem that’s bothering someone, sometimes, just making a plan can help them feel better. So it’s time to suggest a solution if they don’t know what to do; If they know what to do, you should encourage them to share it and plan the next thing they want to do. [14] X Research Source
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Talk about therapy. If your friend is going through a lot of problems, you can find out if they think they should see a counselor. Unfortunately, this process is often accompanied by a lot of social stigma, but if your friend has been struggling for a long time, they are better off talking to a professional. [15] X Research Source
- Of course, discrimination in treatment with counselors is irrational. You may even have to convince your friend that it’s completely normal to see a counselor. You can deal with stigma by letting the person know that you won’t change your view of them even if they need help.
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Find out if there’s anything you can do. Whether that person wants to talk to you every week or simply go out to lunch once in a while, you can help. You will also greatly benefit them by asking to assist them with a difficult task, such as helping that person prepare a death certificate for a loved one. You just need to talk openly to determine if they need help with a particular task.
- If the person seems hesitant about asking for your help, you can offer specific suggestions. For example, you could say, “I’d love to help. For example, I can drive you somewhere if you need to, or I can bring food to your house. You can just tell me you are. need”.
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Be sincere. If you give support or ask that person to allow you to help in any way, be sure to make sure you do it. For example, if you say, “You can call me to chat any time,” be really ready to stop whatever you’re doing to talk to that person. Similarly, if you ask the person to let you do something, like drive them to therapy sessions, be there to do it. [16] X Research Source
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Check again. Most people have a hard time reaching out to someone when they need help, especially emotional help. So, be sure to check in with that person often. Being there when that person is needed is really important. [17] X Research Source
Warning
- Don’t force people to talk if they don’t want to. They need to be ready to open up to others first.
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This article was co-written by Tracy Carver, PhD. Tracy Carver is an award-winning psychologist living in Austin, Texas. Carver specializes in counseling on issues related to self-esteem, anxiety and depression. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, a master’s degree in educational psychology, and a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. Carver also completed an internship in clinical psychology at Harvard University School of Medicine. She was named one of the best mental health professionals in Austin by Austin Fit Magazine for four years in a row. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights and KVUE (ABC News’ Austin affiliate).
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 68,251 times.
Comforting someone who is upset can make you feel helpless. In most situations, there’s nothing you can do physically to help the person. However, simply being present and willing to listen is the most important measure you can take.
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