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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 22,173 times.
There may be times when you have seen your friends or colleagues cry or get upset. Maybe you want to help but don’t know how to start. When you want to comfort someone who is crying, the most important thing is to show concern for them. Help them to the best of your ability and try to meet their needs. Check in to make sure the other person feels safe or to see if they need anything. In general, spend a lot of time with the person and let them vent. However, don’t force them to talk to you.
Steps
Willing to help
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Be next to that person. Often there are very few things you can say and do that really help the person who is crying. Words are just clumsy consolation. In many cases, the most important thing is your presence. Your being by their side in difficult moments will be the most precious thing. Try to spend time with them. [1] X Research Source
- Stay with the person who is crying and let them know that you are there for them and support them. You don’t need to say much, just being present is enough, especially when the person feels like no one is around.
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Make sure they feel safe. People are inherently afraid to cry in front of others because society often perceives crying as weak. If the person starts crying in public, take them to a more secluded place. This will make them less embarrassed. You can take them to the toilet, car, or an empty room. When they are in private, they feel more secure and can work through their emotions.
- If the person seems uncomfortable, ask, “Would you like to go somewhere quieter?” You can take them to the bathroom, car, private room, anywhere, as long as there aren’t dozens of other people in there.
- If you’re young (in high school or college), don’t bring the person into a place where you can’t, such as a classroom when it’s not in session. You also need to make sure there is an exit. Don’t get yourself in trouble!
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Give a tissue to the person who is crying. If you have tissues or know where you can get them, give them to them. When people cry, tears and snot will run down their face, and giving a tissue shows that you are willing to help them. If there are no tissues nearby, you can offer to find them.
- You might say, “Would you like a paper towel for you?”
- Sometimes handing over a tissue implies that you want them to stop crying right away. You should be careful in actions that can be misinterpreted, especially when the person is very confused or is facing loss because of the death of a loved one or a break in love.
Meet the person’s needs
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Let the person cry. You won’t help by telling someone to stop crying or saying it’s not worth it. Crying helps people feel better. Emotions are better released than kept inside, because the accumulation of emotions can lead to mental illnesses like depression. If you see someone crying, let them cry. Never say things like, “Don’t cry” or “It’s a small matter, why cry?” They are sharing their weak moments with you, so let them express what needs to be said and don’t tell them how to feel.
- It can be awkward to be around someone who is crying. Remember that your role is to effectively offer to help them, and the focus here is not on you.
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Ask what the person needs. Maybe they want you to stay and listen to them, or they want to be left alone. Don’t assume you know what they want, because you really don’t. Asking them what they want and need gives the other person some autonomy and gives you a chance to listen and respond. If they need something or ask for something, respect their wishes. [2] X Research Source
- You might ask, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” or “Do you need any help?”
- If they tell you to leave, do as they say. Don’t try to say things like “But you need my help!”, just say “Okay, but if you need anything just text or call me!”. Sometimes people need their own space.
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Give that person time. Don’t think you have to do something right away. Being present and spending time with them is also a way to help. If you want to make someone more comfortable, give them the time they need. Your presence alone is comforting, so try to be around and make sure they get through this time or get support when it’s needed most.
- Don’t just pause for a few seconds and then resume your work. Stay with the person and let them know that you will stay if they need to. Even if you have work to do, a few extra minutes won’t hurt.
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Clap on that person. If your friend likes to hug, give them a hug. But if the person is quite reserved about physical contact, you can pat them on the back or not touch them. If you’re helping a stranger, it’s best to ask that person first. If in doubt, ask them if they want a hug or a handshake. If the person doesn’t want physical contact, don’t touch them. [3] X Research Sources
- Ask, “Can I hug you?” Your friends or loved ones may want more physical contact than strangers, so you need to make sure you don’t make them more uncomfortable.
Talk about their experience
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Don’t let them feel pressured to speak. The person may be in shock or not wanting to talk. If they look like they don’t want to open up, don’t force them. The person may not be willing to share his or her troubles, especially with someone you don’t know very well. If you’re struggling to find comfort, don’t think you have to say something profound. Just being there and saying (or implying) that, “I’m here to help you,” is enough.
- Maybe you’re coaxing someone who never tells you what they’re upset about. This is also okay.
- Maybe you can simply say, “Perhaps it would be more comfortable to talk about what happened. If you want to talk, I’m here with you.”
- Don’t be judgmental or act like that; otherwise, the other person will be more reserved towards you.
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Kindness to listen. Use listening skills and be ready to give the person your full attention. If you ask them what’s wrong and they don’t answer, don’t keep asking. Accept whatever they say and focus on listening to help them. [4] X Research Source Give your full attention to the person, focusing on what they say and how they say it.
- Enhance effective listening with eye contact and non-judgmental responses.
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Focus on that person. You may think that saying, “I’ve been through the same thing” is helpful and making a connection, but the reality is that it will shift the focus to you instead of the other person. Worse yet, this may sound like you’re in denial about how they feel. Keep the conversation centered around the other person. If they want to talk about something that made them cry, let them talk and don’t interrupt. [5] X Research Sources
- Maybe you really want to connect with that person or want to talk about your experience, but resist that urge, unless they ask you. Your role is to help and comfort them.
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Don’t rush to suggest solutions. If the person is crying and upset about something, don’t try to solve the problem for them. What’s more important to you right now is to talk less and listen more. The other person might not even tell you what happened, and that’s okay. Your role is not to solve the problem. [6] X Research Sources
- Crying is not a way to deal with a problem, but an expression of emotion. Let them come out and don’t interrupt.
- Maybe even you can’t help but cry. Remember that crying is not a sign of weakness.
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Encourage the person to see a therapist if they need more help . If the person is constantly having emotional problems, they may need to see a therapist. Maybe their problem is too big for you, or maybe you find their situation is best to seek help from a therapist. Be gentle when asking, but you should let them know that it’s a good thing. [7] X Research Sources
- For example, you could try saying, “Sounds like you’re having a hard time. Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist?”
X
This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 22,173 times.
There may be times when you have seen your friends or colleagues cry or get upset. Maybe you want to help but don’t know how to start. When you want to comfort someone who is crying, the most important thing is to show concern for them. Help them to the best of your ability and try to meet their needs. Check in to make sure the other person feels safe or to see if they need anything. In general, spend a lot of time with the person and let them vent. However, don’t force them to talk to you.
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