How to Be Sociable

Say thank you to people in public. Maybe every day you see someone, but you never see them. To become a sociable person, it is important that you begin to show more gratitude to the people around you. The next time you order coffee or pay at the supermarket, smile at the person helping you. Look them in the eye and say “thank you”. This small gesture will help you feel more comfortable interacting with others, and perhaps it will also bring the other person a little joy into the day. ^[1]

• Even a small compliment can be helpful, especially in service situations. Keep in mind that the food vendor or coffee shop worker has to serve hundreds of customers a day, many of whom are probably uncaring or rude. Say something like, “Wow, you were so quick, thank you” to show your thanks.

Eye contact. When you’re at a social event, like a party, for example, try to make eye contact with the people there. When you meet a person’s eyes, you give them a friendly smile. When you see someone staring at you, you go over and introduce yourself. If the person smiles back at you, that’s a good sign.

• If the person doesn’t respond, you should ignore it. “Sociable” is different from “pressing”. You shouldn’t force a person to talk if they don’t like it.
• Keep in mind that this doesn’t work in situations where people don’t expect to be approached, for example when traveling on public transport. Knowing when and where to approach others, and when to be alone, is also part of being sociable.

Introduce yourself. It doesn’t have to be sweet and tactful to be friendly and approachable. You can try introducing yourself by saying you’re new to the area, or by saying a compliment.

• Find people who sit quietly alone. You may not feel comfortable when you are “shy” suddenly have to become “vivid”. If you’re attending an event, try to find people who seem shy or withdrawn. It is likely that they are just as uncomfortable as you are. Perhaps they will be happy that you take the initiative to get to know them.
• Friendly, but not pushy. Once you’ve introduced yourself and asked a polite question or two but the other person doesn’t seem interested, you should leave them alone.

Ask open-ended questions. One of the ways to become informal in conversation is to ask open-ended questions. Such questions cause the other person to respond more than just “yes” or “no”. It’s easier to initiate a conversation if you invite the other person to share their story. ^[2] Once you’ve made eye contact and smiled at someone, start a conversation with questions. Here are a few suggestions:

• Did you like that book/magazine very much?
• What activities do you like to do in this area?
• Where did you find that beautiful t-shirt?

Say a few words of praise. If you care about others, you need to notice the little things in them that you like or appreciate. You should take these things with compliments, but with sincerity. People can recognize compliments that are not genuine. You can think of sentences like:

• I have read that book already. You chose that book, it’s really great!
• I like your shoes. It matches your dress so well!
• Do you drink coffee with milk? It’s delicious – I drink it every Monday morning.

Find something that both of you are interested in. Start conversations about what both sides have in common. To find a topic to talk about, you need to explore things that you and the other person both have. If you both work together or have common friends, or have anything in common with which to connect, you’ll find it easier to strike up a conversation. Talking about work, friends, or common interests opens up other topics in conversation.

• If you are talking to a stranger, you can immediately use the meeting situation as a topic. If you’re in a bookstore, ask them to recommend a good book. If you’re both stuck in a long line, you can make a joke about it.
• Be careful not to make comments that sound judgmental. For example, you could say you like the person’s hairstyle and ask where they got their hair cut. Or you could say you’re looking to buy a pair of sneakers that look like the one the person is wearing, and ask them where they bought it. Avoid anything that seems offensive, such as comments about the person’s size, skin color, or physical attractiveness.

Pay attention to the interests of others. If Mr. A insists on talking about thermodynamics and Mr. B insists on talking about Italian coffee, the conversation between the two will go nowhere. One of you needs to recognize the other’s passion. Take the initiative to be that person.

• As you talk, try to notice when the other person seems cheerful. You can hear and see. Their facial expressions will become more expressive (so will their voices), and you’ll probably see their bodies move, too.

Chat with colleagues. If you work outside, you probably have a social environment associated with work, just need to put in a little effort. Find a place where people usually congregate, such as a break room or a coworker’s break room.

• The break room at work is not a place to discuss hot topics like religion or politics. Instead, engage people by commenting on prominent sporting or cultural events. While people often have strong opinions on these topics, it is nonetheless safer in informal conversation.
• Sociability in the workplace is important. People will perceive you as a friendlier and more optimistic person. ^[3] Connecting and talking in the workplace also gets you the attention you deserve.

End while the story is still interesting. Let the other person be curious to learn more. One way to achieve this is to leave the door open for the next exchange. End the conversation tactfully, so that the other person doesn’t think you don’t like talking to them. ^[4]

• For example, if you’re talking about dogs, ask them if they know of any good dog parks. If the other person responds enthusiastically, you can invite them to take the dog to the park: “Have you ever been to the dog park near X Street? I’ve never been there. Can we come together next Saturday?” A specific invitation is more effective than “Let’s go there someday!” because then people will think you are just socializing.
• At the end of the conversation, close the conversation by repeating the main point you just discussed with the other person. That way they will see that you are listening. For example: “Good luck in this Sunday marathon! I’m waiting for you to tell me next week.”
• End by reaffirming that you enjoyed the conversation. “Talking to my friends is so much fun” or “It’s nice to meet you” will make the other person feel like they are loved.

Talk to anyone and to everyone. Once you feel more comfortable talking to people you already know, try talking to new people. At first you may feel a little nervous talking to someone you are new to and may find it difficult to approach. But the more people you approach and the more you get used to talking, the easier it will be.