How to argue is normal for a couple? What’s the difference between healthy and toxic arguments?

If you want to know if the level of arguments between you and your partner is normal and healthy, you’re not alone. It can be painful to feel trapped in a battle with the person you care about most in your life, and the emotions left behind after an argument can make you wonder if your relationship is any good. We have good news for you – arguing is healthy, beneficial and completely normal. If you want to know why this is so and learn some tips for handling conflicts more effectively, read our answers below.

Table of Contents

How is it normal to argue with your partner?

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Arguing is completely normal and a sign of a healthy relationship. If you’re a little nervous because you’re arguing with your partner, breathe a sigh of relief. There are never two people in this world whose thoughts and behaviors are exactly the same. It’s perfectly normal to have an occasional crash, and don’t automatically take it as a sign that something is wrong. In fact, your chances of having a long and happy relationship are much higher if you have occasional disagreements, as long as they are resolved in a respectful and reasonable manner. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Conflict reaffirms each person’s right to independence. If you always agree with your partner on everything, you will lose your ego. Occasional disagreements remind each other that you are two different people, in addition to stimulating conversations, adding good ideas, and helping both parties understand each other better.
Controversy can reset existing boundaries. Arguing can signal what’s allowed and what’s not, and it’s an essential part of any healthy relationship.
Small arguments will help you train for bigger conflicts in the future. Arguing over “miscellaneous” things will prepare you to deal with the larger issues you may face when you get married or live together for a long time.
The controversy also helps to strengthen the bond between the two sides. It may sound strange, but the amicable part of the argument will actually bring the two of you closer together.

Is it healthy for a couple who never argues?

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No, this generally means that someone is avoiding conflict. If you and your partner never argue, it’s possible that one of you is holding back. It’s unlikely that two people who are always together are completely in agreement about everything. If the two sides never argue, chances are that one of them (or both) is not telling the truth what they think, and this will be very worrying in the long run. ^{[2] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

Don’t worry because the two sides do not have an argument if the two of you have not known each other for a long time. Collisions will happen naturally over time. It is very common for relationships to go smoothly in the early stages. ^{[3] X Research Sources}
It doesn’t take a lot of fighting to be considered a healthy relationship. Arguing just a few times a year is perfectly fine. The frequency of arguments is different for each couple. ^{[4] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

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Over time, avoidance is more dangerous than arguing. The longer it goes on, the more serious the consequences of avoiding conflict will be. If either of you is holding on to resentment, this can lead to resentment, frustration, and disappointment. If the two of you have been together for a long time and it seems like this is the case, it’s worth it to talk to see why you two never fight. Yes – you two need to argue why we don’t argue! ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Avoidance can create an atmosphere in which it becomes increasingly difficult for a couple to talk frankly.
Little annoyances that accumulate gradually become big things.
The constant avoidance also makes it difficult for the couple to set boundaries because neither of them know where the other’s boundaries are.
If you often avoid a difficult conversation, the stress of always trying not to touch the issue will build up and make you fearful or upset when you’re around your partner.

Is it normal to argue every day?

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It is normal (to some extent) to argue every day if two parties are negotiating a complex issue. If two people are disagreeing over a persistently complicated issue – such as a large debt, addiction or an affair – then it’s easy to see why arguments happen every day. If the arguments are calm and productive, the conflict won’t last for months and won’t be a disaster. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Dealing with and understanding complex issues takes time. Problems like infidelity cannot be solved in a day or two.
These controversies should not last for months. However, arguing for a week or disagreeing for a few days is not a big deal.

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It wouldn’t be normal for two people to fight every day over petty things. If the two of you fight all day over petty things, then something is wrong. ^{[7] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source} This usually happens when there is a potential unresolved issue between two parties. Take a step back and sit down and talk to the other person. Try to stay calm and respectful to discuss problems. If there are no results, the two of you can seek professional advice. They will help the two of you understand the root of the problem. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

For example, if one person feels that the other person doesn’t respect them, they may get angry because the dishes are not washed, because the other person teases something or doesn’t pick up the phone when they call. If the root cause of the problem has not been resolved, the two sides are still fighting.

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Much depends on how comfortable you are with arguing. Whether or not every day fights is a big deal depends on how you and your partner feel about it. If you both love to argue and both grew up in a fast-paced environment where people argue all the time (not related to love), you’ll probably be fine with this. If neither of them were stressed by the argument, then it probably wouldn’t be a big deal. ^{[9] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

This becomes a problem if the argument is stressful for you, your partner, or both. You shouldn’t put up with something that makes you unhappy every day.
Everyone has a threshold in this regard, so you should focus on how it makes you feel rather than how often the arguments are.

To what extent is arguing too much?

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How often quarrels occur is not as important as the level of tension. If one of you screams until your face turns purple, it’s not okay. We often picture “fighting” as aggressive, angry, and tense, but that is often the worst-case scenario. If disagreements are handled fairly, respectfully, calmly, and satisfactorily, there’s no need to count arguments – that’s perfectly fine. ^{[10] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

Perhaps it’s better to have six to ten calm arguments a year than a violent one where the two of you don’t talk for months.

How can I make arguments more effective?

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Approach the conversation with empathy and composure. If you approach the problem with “I confront you” instead of “we face the problem”, things will very quickly go wrong. Actively listen to your partner, don’t interrupt, and respond in a calm voice – even if you’re really upset. If you are both calm and respectful, the two of you can find a solution. ^{[11] X Research Source}

Tell yourself in your head, “This is the person I love, the person I care about, don’t say something you’ll regret later.”
Don’t try to win. Nobody wins here. This is not a match – your goal is to solve the problem. This goal can only be achieved if you do not approach the argument as a competition.

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Set ground rules and pause times each time the conversation heats up. Choose a time to talk when the two of you are calm and set rules. The deal is to not interrupt each other and just focus on the issue. If something is “off the line”, discuss it with each other first. Come up with a safe keyword (the word “timeout” for example) so you can stop the conversation if one of you feels stressed. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Schedule a time to argue! When you know in advance when you will argue, you will avoid many unpredictable things.
Start arguments by meeting each other on a topic. That way, both of you will be looking for a solution instead of hanging around with nothing to do. This is especially important if the two of you keep arguing over the same issue, when there is no map to guide the argument!

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Use sentences with the subject in the first person to avoid feeling like attacking the other person. Sentences like “I never…” or I don’t…” will make the atmosphere tense like in the ring. Take a look from your personal point of view and talk about how you feel. This is one of the little things that can improve the quality of the dialogue when the two sides have disagreements. ^{[13] X Research Source}

For example, suppose you normally say, “I never clean the house. You’re just messing around all day! You messed up the whole kitchen so I had to clean it all up.” Try using the rule above by saying, “I feel like I have to do everything when the kitchen is messy like this. I know I’m a bit difficult, but I take this seriously.”
Harsh words popping out now won’t solve anything. Do your best to avoid doing so.

When is it normal for arguments to start?

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Conflict often begins when the honeymoon period ends. When the relationship is still new and exciting, you often romanticize things and ignore any potential problems. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Once this initial phase is over, couples begin to return to reality. This is when the arguments start to happen and this is very normal. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Surprisingly the honeymoon period usually lasts from 6-12 months! So don’t worry that your relationship is on the verge of a cliff if the two of you have been together for a year without any conflict and now suddenly quarrel. ^{[15] X Research Source}

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Over time, your arguments will develop into rhythm and “style”. Every couple has a different way of arguing. Over time, you and your partner will form a kind of argument. If you both maintain an attitude of respect, fairness, and understanding when arguing, your relationship will shape its own identity. ^{[16] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

Some couples have very small, slow arguments. Other couples sound like they’re working. Some couples argue to the point of tears, others reconcile by making love to later argue more peacefully. Each pair has its own style.
Arguing is also an art. If you’re in the early stages of your relationship and your arguments aren’t working, keep trying! ^{[17] X Research Source}

What is a toxic relationship?

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A toxic relationship is fundamentally hurtful and unhealthy. Dishonest attitudes, border crossings, and lack of understanding all contribute to a toxic environment. If you don’t feel like you’re on the same team as the other person, something is wrong. A love and marriage counselor can also be of great help. ^{[18] X Research Sources}

While toxic relationships can improve, the reality is that not all couples stay together for long. You have the right to end an unhealthy relationship.
Absolutely do not tolerate violence. There is no way to repair a relationship where one party is physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive to the other.

How do I know when an argument turns toxic?

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Threats and ultimatums are behaviors that indicate the situation is starting to deteriorate. Any behavior like “if you don’t (…) then I will (…)” are signs that things are getting worse and that arguing is not working anymore. Relationship conflict should not involve bargaining or prohibiting your partner’s behavior. The ultimatums and threats are signals that tell you to stop arguing and only talk again when both of you have calmed down. ^{[19] X Research Source}

It’s common for people to act out this way when they’re too angry, so it’s essential to stop the conversation if you or your partner start to get angry.

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Cursing and personal attacks are toxic behaviors in a relationship. If either of you begins to deviate from the topic of the argument and behave aggressively such as insults or curses, stop talking. The conversation can turn into a battleground with back-and-forth insults until someone gets hurt. Point out the behavior, correct the conversation, and return to the main topic or end the argument. ^{[20] X Research Source}

For example, if the other person curses at you, you could say, “Hey, that’s not fair. I’m not insulting you, so don’t say those harsh words to me. That won’t do any good.” If that doesn’t work, leave the argument.
Think of the difference between “I feel you are behaving irresponsibly,” and “You are so irresponsible.” Focus on your feelings instead of their behavior, and don’t put the other person down.”

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Any physical aggression is completely unacceptable. Domestic violence is absolutely not acceptable. Anyone who smashes things, throws things, or touches the other person means they’ve crossed the line. Leave and get help. You are not at fault and you are not alone at all. Don’t find excuses for such behavior. ^{[21] X Trusted Source United Nations Go to Source}

Don’t hesitate to call police rapid response 113 (911 in the US) if you feel in danger. You can also call the domestic violence hotline at 1900 1768 (in the US, 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) for help.

What causes couples to quarrel?

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Many arguments stem from confusion in communication. Maybe someone said something wrong, thought the other person was sarcastic, or misunderstood a blurt. If two people cannot communicate with each other satisfactorily and honestly, all kinds of arguments will arise. This is when the two sides must step back to understand each other. ^{[22] X Research Source}

This is one of the reasons why two people need to be honest and open. If you have a habit of not sharing your feelings or not telling the truth about what you are thinking, conflicts can arise.

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A lack of commitment is also a major source of disagreement. There are many forms of lack of commitment, but the underlying cause is often the same – one person expects the other to commit to a degree they are not. With things like being late for appointments, never giving gifts, or refusing to go further in a relationship, an imbalance in expectations of commitment is the biggest contributor to conflict. ^{[23] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to source}

Because of this, couples often argue about things like washing dishes. One waits for the other to fulfill their home care responsibilities, and when they fail to do so, they feel the other has broken their commitment. ^{[24] X Research Source}

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Differences in the values that both sides hold dear are also common factors in conflict. If one of you has different religious beliefs or political views than the other, major conflicts can arise. Conflict also often occurs when two parties have different wishes about finances or children in the future. These potential core issues can cause serious conflict. ^{[25] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

These conversations often turn into arguments because the issues are deeply personal and difficult to reconcile. However, you can absolutely find a solution to these problems if you stay calm and patient. .
The good news is, if you can find a compromise early on, these problems are often easy to fix. If you’re in debt and your partner is rich, rules like “Don’t take lavish vacations without paying off your debt and only accept gifts, not borrow money” can help you avoid arguments.

Steps