11 Ways to Drive a Narcissist Crazy and Flip the Script

This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

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Trying to turn the tables on a narcissist? Narcissists are experts at mind-games and manipulation, which makes them hard to rattle. Fortunately, by using their behavior against them, you can actually get under a narcissist’s skin. Read through this article for expert-backed tips on how you can drive a narcissist nuts and beat them at their own game.

Steps

Ignore them.

1. Narcissists love attention, so don’t give it to them. When a narcissist walks into the room, don’t even glance over at them—make them come to you. When they text you, wait a couple of hours before responding to make them squirm. The more you act like you don’t care about them, the more frustrated they’ll get.[1] X Research source
   • If they ever bring it up to you, act like you have no idea what they’re talking about.
   • “What? I wasn’t ignoring you. I’ve just been really busy lately.”

Offer constructive criticism.

1. Shatter a narcissist’s large ego by pointing out their flaws. Narcissists tend to believe that they’re better than everyone else. You can point out that this isn’t true by giving them some feedback on their behavior. Not only will it drive them nuts, but it may even encourage them to change their ways, too.[2] X Research source
   • “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say. I think you should apologize.”
   • “When you talk down to me like that, I feel belittled. Let’s try to talk nicely to each other from now on.”

Set and enforce your boundaries.

1. Force a narcissist to experience consequences when they mess up. Narcissists love to push your boundaries, and they’ll keep pushing until they get punished for it. If you really want to get under a narcissist’s skin, explain your boundaries clearly, and then follow through with the consequences if they cross them.[3] X Research source
   • “If you keep calling me names, I’m going to walk away. I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t respect me.”
   • “You can’t belittle me in public like that. If that happens again, we won’t be hanging out anymore.”

Call them out in public.

1. Make a narcissist feel less than others by pointing out their flaws. When you point out their flaws in front of other people, they can no longer pretend that they’re the best person in the room. The next time you’re out with friends or at a family gathering, try pointing out some flawed things about a narcissist.[4] X Research source
   • “You lose your temper easily, you know that? Maybe you should take some anger management classes.”
   • “Ouch, that was pretty harsh. There’s no need to yell—we’re all friends here!”

Compare them negatively to others.

1. Narcissists can’t handle feeling inferior to other people. Narcissists already compare themselves to others, but they only do it when they’re shown in a positive light.[5] X Research source You can get under a narcissist’s skin by pointing out the achievements of others to create a negative comparison. This shows the narcissists that other people are better than them, which is tough for their egos to handle.
   • “Did you see that Jenny got a promotion yesterday? She only got hired there a year ago! That’s much less time than you’ve been at the company.”
   • “I’m so impressed by Harry’s art. His Instagram following is huge! Maybe you should get some tips from him on promoting your art.”

Show up late.

1. Take control of a narcissist’s schedule to upset them. Narcissists want to be in control of everything, and that includes the plans you make with them. If you want to drive a narcissist crazy, be late to time-sensitive plans to throw off their day. Be unreliable so they never know what to expect from you next.[6] X Research source
   • You can also mess up their day by spontaneously changing your plans. Made reservations at a restaurant? Cancel them, then text the narcissist to meet you somewhere else instead.

Stay calm when they try to rile you up.

1. Narcissists want an emotional reaction, so don’t give it to them. When a narcissist is calling you names or yelling at you, it’s normal to get angry or upset. However, try to stay calm and give as little of a reaction as possible. If you don’t get riled up, they can’t add any fuel to their own fire, and they’ll eventually peter out.[7] X Research source
   • Having trouble staying calm? Try doing deep breathing exercises or counting to 10 in your head.
   • You can also give very unenthusiastic or sarcastic replies to show how uninterested you are. Say things like “Oh, wow,” or, “Hmm,” to quickly shut down a narcissist.

Bring up hard facts.

1. Narcissists love to spin things in their favor, so don’t let them. You may have noticed that every time you argue with a narcissist, they use emotional attacks to “win.”[8] X Research source The next time you’re in a disagreement with a narcissist, only tell them the facts, and stick to things that can be proven.
   • “Are you sure you didn’t say that? I have screenshots of the texts you sent me this morning. Here, look.”
   • “But you were invited to that party—we all were. Look, I have the invitation in my email right here.”

Reject their advice.

1. A narcissist may try to control you, so don’t let them. When a narcissist latches onto you, they’ll often try to make decisions for you or influence you in little ways. You can really make them squirm by not taking their advice and instead going forward with your own plans.
   • “Yeah, I know you wanted me to go to college, but taking a gap year is better for me right now.”
   • “Being a doctor would be a great career path, but that’s not what I want. I’d like to be a teacher instead.”

Work toward your own goals.

1. Make a narcissist feel threatened by striving for success. Even though meeting your own goals has nothing to do with a narcissist, they often see other people’s happiness as a personal attack against them. You can easily get under a narcissist’s skin by simply focusing on your goals and taking steps every day to achieve them.
   • Narcissists lack empathy, which is why they can’t be happy for you (or anyone else).
   • When you do achieve a goal, be sure to post about it on social media or tell mutual friends about it so it gets back to the narcissist in your life.

End the relationship.

1. Narcissists are secretly scared of being left all alone. If you really want to drive a narcissist nuts, break things off with them. Stay firm in your decision, and don’t fall for any of the false promises they might use to win you back.
   • Narcissists can’t handle being broken up with, so be prepared for a lot of love-bombing as a way to win you over. If that doesn’t work, a narcissist may resort to spreading rumors about you or talking about you behind your back.

Expert Q&A

References

1. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/30/health/views/30mind.html
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201110/the-narcissists-dilemma-they-can-dish-it-out
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/202002/how-humiliate-absolute-narcissist
5. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/what-really-goes-on-in-the-mind-of-a-narcissist/
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201601/15-control-tactics-difficult-people
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/202002/how-humiliate-absolute-narcissist
8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/08/narcissist-arguing#1