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This article was co-written by Amy Chan. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, which offers a spiritual and scientific retreat to heal emotional issues. She has helped hundreds of individuals over 2 years. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp will be published by HarperCplins in January 2020.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,641 times.
It is difficult to define or distinguish between the real you and the fake you. If you feel like someone is just hanging out with you for a specific reason, then it’s most likely a fake friend. True friends will support you, love you for who you are, forgive and protect you. You fake that you have to force yourself to be someone else in order to get along with them. If you feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re with your friend, then they’re not the real you. You pretend to like to cause discord with you and is an unhealthy relationship. To quit hanging out with them, be prepared to have a conversation about ending your friendship with them. Then you need a support group of real, healthy friends to help you move on.
Steps
Preparation process
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Check your friendship again. Some people can be fake, but many are simply shy or have a hard time connecting with people. If they’re real friends, they’ll have these traits.
- They may not be able to help, but will be willing to listen if you’re having a hard time.
- They make you feel comfortable being yourself.
- They support you.
- They keep in touch with you and are in touch all the time, not just when they need to ask for something.
- They are with you even in difficult times, not just in good times.
- They care about your peace and safety.
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Identify you fake. Try to determine if someone is a fake friend. If so, think about what they want to take advantage of from you. If they were fake friends, they would: [1] X Research Sources
- Talk bad about you behind your back.
- Using you to hook up social relationships.
- Using you to get close to people you know.
- Steal your work or take advantage of your brain.
- Try to get the information they need from you.
- Only talk to you when they need something.
- Humiliating or embarrassing you in public.
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It’s time for friendship to fade. If you feel that your friend has changed, or you have grown and grown apart, it is a sign that the friendship has faded. [2] X Research Source Even though the two were once best friends, everyone is different. Don’t resist the change but cherish the time you have together. [3] X Research Sources If you feel increasingly distant from your friends, there’s no need to cut them off. You just have to let that friendship drift away naturally.
- This is an ideal alternative if there is no undue discord between the two. Especially when the two of you just develop in your own direction with your own interests and groups of friends.
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Don’t let fake friends profit from you. This can be a bit difficult at first if you’re a pleaser, but remember you’re being taken advantage of. [4] X Source of Research In addition, this will make the person leave you alone because they are not getting any benefit from you.
- If you think they are stealing your credit, end it by switching seats or not showing them what you do. [5] X Research Sources
- If you think they’re using you to get close to someone, stay in touch with that person without your fake friend nearby.
- If they only call you when they need something, then decline whatever the offer is. You can even predetermine with them that in the future you won’t be able to help them anymore. For example, “Mai, I know I drove you to work last month, but now I can’t give you a lift.”
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Limit contact. Since you’re about to cut off your friendship with them, keep your distance as much as possible. [6] X Research Sources Politely decline all offers by saying “Sorry, I’m busy right now”. The goal is to give you some space to relax, free from the stress of this fake friendship, while still trying to find a way to end the relationship with them. [7] X Research Sources
- Try to avoid “no communication” or outright ignoring them. This is considered an immature attitude and will make the friend angry and cause conflicts in the group of mutual friends.
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Ask for advice from people you trust. Talk to family, close friends, or a support group, and listen to their opinions about the situation. [8] X Research Source Maybe they’ll give you another look or advice on what’s going on. If you feel uncomfortable talking about this with close friends, or are not close to any family members, seek advice from your school counselor or psychologist.
- School counselors who have experience dealing with relationships and friendships in a school setting can be very helpful.
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Make sure you really want to end this friendship. [9] X Research Source Overcoming a breakup in a friendship is a big deal. It will be difficult to turn back once you have made a decision even if you regret it later. Try to consider other options if you’ve just had a fight, or you’re just trying to get them to do something specific. If you want to quit, you have to think of good reasons why this friendship is making you unhappy and you will be better off not contacting this friend. Write a list comparing the benefits and harms of this friendship and weigh them.
Cut out
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Meet them in person to cut off the friendship. [10] X Research Sources If you’ve decided to end a friendship, make sure to do it properly and with an investment. You may be scared, but try to rise above those feelings and face the situation with maturity. Remember that you two used to be friends, and will probably interact in the future, so try to be as respectful as possible during the conversation.
- Avoid cutting ties over the phone. This is only acceptable when you can’t see the person for a long time, or you are worried about possible violence or for your own safety.
- Don’t end a friendship over text or e-mail. This sends the wrong message about you as a person and how you treat your friends. In addition, text messages or emails can cause misunderstandings in communication. [11] X Research Source
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See them. Schedule a time and place to meet your friend and talk about ending the relationship. [12] X Research Resources Even if you plan to talk on the phone, schedule a time so that you both can take some time to focus on the problem without getting in the way. Try not to make yourself wait too long, because the friend can sniff things out and prolong the situation only to make both parties nervous.
- Make your offer simple and straightforward. Try saying, “Hey, I think we need to talk. When do you have time?”
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Choose a time and place to meet. There are many things to consider when planning a conversation with your friend. The goal is to create space for the dialogue to go as smoothly as possible.
- Talk in private. It can be an emotional time so it can’t take place in a place that can attract the eyes of many people.
- Make sure you’re both calm and that the conversation doesn’t take place before an important event like a test or assessment at the company.
- Set a time limit and avoid meeting places like restaurants and meals that will keep you stuck longer than expected.
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Plan ahead what to say. It’s best to sit down and prepare what to say to your friend, especially in complicated situations like breaking up a friendship. Organize your thoughts in advance so that your mind is clearer, more resolute, and more thorough.
- Make sure to communicate clearly with your friend. You shouldn’t plant doubts in their mind, making them think about what you said after the meeting.
- Be firm about what you want and don’t want in a friendship in general or a friendship in particular.
- Think it through and make sure to convey what you want to say and feel. Plan your sentences word for word in advance to avoid the “I should have said more of this!” situation! Later.
- When planning what to say, strike a balance between being honest and kind. Avoid blaming or being unnecessarily mean to someone who will no longer be friends.
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Chat with them. This can be the most stressful task, but wait. You’ve spent time preparing for the conversation, so it’s time to execute the plan. Explain your feelings, and why you can’t be friends anymore. Be honest and forthright, but still be as polite as possible. [13] X Research Source
- Start the conversation by acknowledging the upcoming difficulty: “What I’m about to say might be a little difficult to hear.”
- Straight to the point: “I’m not happy with our friendship, and I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”
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Give a valid reason. As you move deeper into the conversation, you’ll have to explain why you two can’t be friends anymore. Explain why you’re unhappy, but try to limit the blame. Whatever the reason, start with “I feel…”. Here are a few examples.
- If your lover is having an affair with that friend, you can say, “I feel distrustful of you, and I feel hurt that someone claiming to be my friend could do such a thing.”
- If they make fun of you often, or make you feel bad about yourself, say, “I feel like spending time with you is negatively affecting my self-esteem, it’s because of the things you often say about me. me”.
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End your talk. You explained why both should go their separate ways. You can now end the conversation. You’ll need to make sure you’re being very kind, and have mentioned the good points of being friends. Try the following expressions:
- Explain to them that they had a good time together anyway. [14] X Research Source “I also enjoyed spending time with you. I will always keep those beautiful memories with me. Like the time we…”
- Divide the error equally, if possible. “I don’t know, maybe we don’t get along. Or I’m not as good a friend as I could be.”
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Give them a chance to speak. You’ve done your part, now let them respond. Be prepared that your friend may have different emotional reactions. They may apologize profusely, or feel offended and angry, or they may just be sad. It is also possible that they will experience all three of those emotions. Try to listen to them. Watch out for arguments that mislead or change your mind about severing a friendship.
- Avoid getting into controversy. If they get angry, it’s easier to say harsh words or even blame you. Don’t get carried away, just reply, “I’m sorry to have upset you.”
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End the conversation. How you end the talk depends on your friend’s reaction and what you said. Again, remember to be prepared for multiple responses to your friend’s reaction, then no matter how the conversation goes, you have to have an exit strategy in place.
- If they get angry and start shouting, don’t get carried away, but instead say “I want to talk calmly with you, but if you keep yelling like that, I’ll leave.”
- If they’re upset, give them time to talk and when they’ve calmed down, say, “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I’m so sorry it turned out like this.”
- If they seem apologetic, feel it and consider whether to repair the friendship. If you need time to think, let them know: “I need time to think about what you said. Can we talk again tomorrow?”
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Set boundaries. [15] X Source of Research Decide in advance how you would like to contact this person, if the opportunity arises in the future. Make sure you’re firm with your decision and communicate it to your friend. Be clear about what you want and ask them to respect that. Pre-established boundaries will be easy for you to follow later.
- If you two have mutual friends, just hang out in groups.
- If you don’t want to contact them in any way that’s fine. Let them know that you will no longer contact them.
- If this is a toxic friendship, then take care of your health by cutting it off completely. [16] X Research Source[17] X Research Source
Handling problems that arise
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Follow the predefined boundaries. [18] X Research Source You may experience backlash after severing friendships. The old friend may be trying to win her heart or want to reconnect. If they do, then remind them of the boundaries between the two of you and ask them to respect them. They may be angry and may attack you online, in person, or in mutual friends. Your friend may just want to see you react or vent. Don’t respond to these types of behavior. [19] X Research Sources Over time, they will be way more accepted.
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Ignore their rude, immature, or passive-aggressive behavior patterns. This is easier said than done. Remind yourself of the reasons you have to end your friendship with them, because you don’t want to get caught up in the negative things they cause. Their negative behavior is part of the reason why they are fake. Rest assured that your decision is absolutely correct. Pay attention to the following behaviors:
- Text you constantly by phone, call, email, or message on social media.
- Badmouthing you to others in order to make your friends turn away from you.
- Make fun of or gossip about you.
- Make you feel responsible for their choices and behavior.
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Coping with the emotions of losing a friend. Even if you’re the one who took the initiative to end the friendship, it’s going to be difficult. [20] X Research Source You may experience mixed emotions such as relief, freedom, guilt, sadness, anger, or hopelessness. Give yourself permission to grieve and deal with any emotions that run high inside of you.
- One of the ways to help you get through this phase is to keep a journal. Take some time to write about your thoughts and feelings about the breakup, and why it happened to you. Keeping a record of what you’re going through will help identify your feelings and help you to overcome and let go of negative emotions in a healthy way.
- Suppressing and avoiding emotions will only make the situation worse in the long run. It is important that you allow yourself to feel and express your emotions in a healthy way.
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Pay attention to other relationships that may be affected. Especially when you’re in school, you’ll have a lot of friends in common. Taking a break from one person puts the other friends in an awkward position. [21] X Research Source They will feel divided by the target, or if they are still playing with the other friend they will not know how to behave with you. Don’t gossip, and avoid going into too much detail if possible.
- You can tell them: “I know you and Ngan are best friends. Since I’m your friend too, I just wanted you to know what happened. Ngan and I don’t play together anymore. We’ve talked about it and I think we’ve said everything we need to say. I don’t want you to feel awkward, or to decide between us.”
Advice
- Develop the habit of taking care of yourself after you’ve broken up with your friend. You can meditate, journal, practice gratitude for life, or whatever makes you feel good and awake. You may feel out of control over your emotions after a breakup, but you can completely control your habits.
Warning
- At some point in time when your fake friend is acting out of control, you’ll need to contact the authorities. Don’t put yourself in danger just because you stopped hanging out with someone. Tell your parents, teachers, or boss at work who can help keep your relationship safe.
- Fake friends may argue with you just for silly or unclear reasons.
- Avoid bad habits like “shut up and disappear”. [22] X Source of Research It’s when you choose to ignore someone or quietly disappear from their life until the other person understands that you don’t want to contact them anymore. Think about it, if you were treated like this in return, would you agree? So end the relationship in a more mature way.
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This article was co-written by Amy Chan. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, which offers a spiritual and scientific retreat to heal emotional issues. She has helped hundreds of individuals over 2 years. Her debut book, Breakup Bootcamp will be published by HarperCplins in January 2020.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,641 times.
It is difficult to define or distinguish between the real you and the fake you. If you feel like someone is just hanging out with you for a specific reason, then it’s most likely a fake friend. True friends will support you, love you for who you are, forgive and protect you. You fake that you have to force yourself to be someone else in order to get along with them. If you feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re with your friend, then they’re not the real you. You pretend to like to cause discord with you and is an unhealthy relationship. To quit hanging out with them, be prepared to have a conversation about ending your friendship with them. Then you need a support group of real, healthy friends to help you move on.
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