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This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 34,713 times.
Determining if you really love someone is not easy, but don’t worry! According to research, and in most cases, the best way to determine if you’re in love is to stop and look at the relationship objectively. Once you’ve identified that person who makes you flutter, try to notice how you react when you’re around them. Are you more generous, willing to put in the effort for them, and truly delighted in their success? If all the answers are yes, you’re probably in love!
Steps
Rate your feelings
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Review your emotional development. Think about your first meeting. Try to remember that moment to see if your feelings are still the same or have grown. The familiar concept – “love at first sight” is really just a temporary flutter because of the attractiveness of the appearance. Love is the exact opposite, as feelings will increase over time, from accidentally falling in love to something deeper. [1] X Research Source
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Write down a list of pros and cons. Think about what you like and don’t like about that person. Reading the reasons on paper, will help you better assess your feelings. [2] X Sources of Research When you look at their flaws, you may be discouraged, but this is your chance to think more deeply about what you love. Try to list the sides in as much detail as possible. Don’t worry about the extent of the pros or cons. You just need to write down your thoughts according to the following suggestions:
- Pros: good-looking, kind, someone you can talk to comfortably
- Cons: a bit messy, sometimes acts like a child, sometimes relies on
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Review your list. Analyze the pros and cons to see if you’re seeing the reality or idealizing the person’s image. Circle or highlight the strengths that make you flutter and the cons that don’t affect your feelings. Evaluate whether the reasons listed are petty or really important. If you can’t fully accept a person – including flaws and everything, that’s not love yet. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, falling in love is when you ignore their clutter because you appreciate their generosity or the way they engage in conversation.
- On the contrary, your feelings are not yet love when you feel comfortable seeing them, but you cannot imagine a future with them by your side.
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Consider empathy. Notice how you share your joys or sorrows when you hear them talk about good or bad things. For example, if you started to cry when your partner broke down in tears when she told them that she had just passed away, it means that you feel their pain. It is a positive sign of love. [4] X Research Sources
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Acknowledge how you feel when you’re not around. Ask if you really feel that way when you say “I miss you”/”I miss you”. If you really want that person around, that could be love. If you’re eager to make plans for yourself when you two meet, it’s probably just a temporary crush. [5] X Research Sources
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Analyze future plans. Try to picture your life in the next five or ten years. Think about the effects of changes in career, children, and relocation. Are you willing to work with that person to face things from small things to serious illnesses? Think about how you took care of them or how they took care of you later. If you can envision a long-term future with this person, it’s probably love. [6] X Research Source
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Has he changed you? This does not mean that you completely change your personality. Instead, see if you expand your horizons because of your partner’s influence. For example, perhaps you never thought about spending time planting trees last weekend when your partner asked you to join a reforestation project. After doing this, you feel a magical connection to nature and feel grateful for that person. If that person makes you change for the better, maybe it’s love. [7] X Research Sources
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Note your feelings towards tedious things. Think back to how you felt when you did the usual and uninteresting things with your partner. For example, you usually don’t like going to the supermarket but suddenly become excited because your partner comes with you. This could be a sign of love. On the other hand, if you’re bored and looking forward to doing something else, you’ve probably just had a crush. [8] X Research Sources
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Think about feeling jealous. Notice how you feel when you catch your partner talking to someone else. Note how you feel when other people flirt with your partner. Think about whether you wonder if your partner will lose interest in you because someone else is flirting with them. Jealousy is a healthy response from time to time that makes you want to be more attached to your partner. In fact, you could have fallen in love, if it felt like that. [9] X Research Source
- On the contrary, if you are suspicious and want to investigate that person, it is not love. Or, it’s the unhealthy kind of love. Maybe you just switched from ‘a crush’ to ‘obsessed’. [10] X Research Source
Rate your actions
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Pause a bit. When you’re around other people, take a break from that person to mingle and talk to people. If you find yourself still looking around for that person, it could be love. If you catch them stealing glances at you too, you both probably have feelings for each other.
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Note your body’s response. Notice your unconscious reactions around your partner, such as heart palpitations, burning sensations, shaking hands, and sweaty hands. Are you suddenly silent because you are worried about your words? Such reactions are signs of a temporary crush and crush, not love. [11] X Research Source
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Appreciate your generosity. Think about how often you share your possessions with your partner (or how willing you are). For example, they want to borrow an antique that you bought at auction. If you lend or are willing to do this, it could be a sign of love. [12] X Research Source
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Consider your level of sacrifice. That doesn’t mean you’ll give up your career or let your partner take advantage of you. Instead, you will make an effort to bring joy to that person. Think about a time when that person was sick. If you decide to cancel your weekend movie plans to take care of them, you’ve probably fallen in love. Conversely, if your first reaction is to complain, it’s definitely not love. [13] X Research Source
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Notice the imitation of the action. Love will make you feel good. In happy situations, you may end up copying the other person’s actions without even knowing it. Remember the times you raised your coffee cup at the same time as your partner. It’s not an obvious sign of love, but a positive one. [14] X Research Source
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Evaluate your reaction to their success. This is especially important when the person is successful in what you are after. For example, they were nominated for the position you’ve always dreamed of. If your first reaction is to want to party, you’re probably in love. On the contrary, if you mumble, “That’s great!” With disappointment and avoiding them all day, maybe it’s just a temporary crush. [15] X Research Source
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Consider introducing him or her to family and friends. Think about how many friends and relatives you’ve introduced this person to (or the number of people you’d like him to meet). How important it is to you that your family and friends like your partner. If you’ve introduced that person to your best friends and family and you really want them to like that person, it’s probably love. [16] X Research Source
Advice
- Love is a constant effort. It doesn’t matter if you change your mind later.
Warning
- Notice when you say and really think “I would do anything for that person”. Being generous and weak are two completely different things. So don’t let anyone take advantage of you.
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This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 34,713 times.
Determining if you really love someone is not easy, but don’t worry! According to research, and in most cases, the best way to determine if you’re in love is to stop and look at the relationship objectively. Once you’ve identified that person who makes you flutter, try to notice how you react when you’re around them. Are you more generous, willing to put in the effort for them, and truly delighted in their success? If all the answers are yes, you’re probably in love!
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