How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

After the initial hurt someone caused you, you’re probably wondering if (and how) you should forgive. Forgiving someone who has hurt you can help you let go of your negative emotions and heal the wound. ^{[1] X Research Resources} If you’ve decided to forgive someone in your life, read the steps below to see how to get started.

Table of Contents

Accept what happened so you can move forward.

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Accepting hurt doesn’t mean justifying it or forgetting about it. Admit that something unfortunate has happened and your heart is still full of emotions. Acceptance will allow you to be tolerant of past sorrows, so you can forgive the other person for your own sake. ^{[2] X Research Source}

Try not to explain to ease the pain, and don’t make excuses for the person who hurt you. Try saying out loud, “I’ve been hurt by this person, and I need to work through it,” and you’ll find this helps, too.

Give yourself time to work through negative emotions.

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You probably won’t be able to forgive someone right now. It will take some time to grieve and process things after the trauma has occurred. There’s no timeline for overcoming negative emotions, and it’s up to you to act quickly or slowly. ^{[3] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

Feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion are common after a traumatic event.
You don’t have to get rid of these feelings completely before you’re ready to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion.
Think about what forgiveness means to you to know what you’re aiming for. For example, you can let go of the notion that the person needs to pay for what they did in order to stop brooding about it.

Write down your feelings.

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Expressing your feelings verbally is one way that can help you work through them. Sit down and write down what you have felt before, how you are feeling now, and the benefits you will receive from forgiving. Keep this letter to yourself and do not reveal it to anyone. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Forgiveness can bring a sense of relief, and it will help you to let go of negative emotions like sadness and resentment.

Talk to a friend.

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An objective opinion can help you find effective ways to forgive. If there’s someone close to you that you trust enough to confide in, talk to them about what happened and why you’re trying to forgive now. They can give you advice, but sometimes just listening to you is enough. ^{[5] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

If you don’t want to talk to someone you know about this, you might consider seeing a mental health professional.

Empathize with the person if possible.

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Try to see things from that person’s perspective. If you were in their position, would you do the same thing? Even if you can’t completely put yourself in the person’s shoes, seeing things from their point of view will make it easier to forgive. You can understand why they did what they did and you can empathize with them as a result. ^{[6] X Trusted Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Go to Source}

For example, maybe the person who hurt you at the time was under extreme stress. Maybe they didn’t know how to express their feelings, so they turned to you.
This doesn’t justify what they did, nor does it mean you think it’s right.

Be patient with yourself.

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It is very difficult for you to forgive someone overnight. Don’t forget, forgiveness is a multi-step process that takes a long time. Even if you’ve decided to forgive, you probably still have a lot of work to do to achieve it. ^{[7] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

Love yourself throughout this process and don’t set unrealistic standards for yourself.

Let go of expectations.

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Even if you forgive, it is not certain that the person will change. When choosing to forgive someone, you should do it for yourself. Your tolerance may improve your relationship with the other person or give them some relief, but this is not certain. Don’t expect them to apologize or change their behavior to avoid disappointment if things don’t go as planned. ^{[8] X Trusted Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Go to Source}

Forgiving someone can often improve your relationship with others, as the process of overcoming hurt can help you to improve yourself.

Decide whether or not to tell the other person that you forgive them.

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Leaving forgiveness in your heart is sometimes better for you. If the person who hurt you shows no remorse or even says an apology, they may not react well when you say you forgive them. On the other hand, if they have ever apologized to you and you want to mend the relationship, this is worth doing. ^{[9] X Trusted Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Go to Source}

If you haven’t contacted the person who hurt you in a long time, you don’t need to contact them just to say that you forgive them. Talking to such a person will cause you undue stress.
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to reconnect with them – especially if they don’t change the behavior that hurt you before.

Forgive them but draw clear lines.

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Clear boundaries can help prevent future conflicts with the person. If you’re still in contact with the person who hurt you, let them know that it’s not just because you forgive them that they can hurt you again. Set limits and be firm in your defense if they break them. ^{[10] X Research Source}

You can limit contact with that person, at least initially. For example, if you used to meet them face-to-face, now you should only contact them by phone.
In the case of serious trauma, you may need to cut off contact with them forever. You can forgive yourself without having to tell the other person.
You can also remind the person that you have forgiven them once and cannot forgive again.

Talk to a psychologist if necessary.

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Forgiveness is difficult and not easy to achieve. If you’re down with resentment, sadness, or guilt, a therapist can help you work through your negative emotions with healthy measures. They can also help you find the best way to forgive someone who has hurt you in the past without sacrificing your values and beliefs. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

Advice

Forgiving someone can help you regain control of the situation. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Steps