How to Practice Assertiveness

Are you upset because your friends treat you harshly? Did your parents often intentionally make you feel guilty? Or do you often run out of money because you lend all your money to others? If your answer is “yes” to any of the above questions, perhaps you need to learn how to assert yourself. Cultivating assertiveness can be a process that requires hard work and patience. However, in the long run, learning this skill will help you communicate more effectively.

Table of Contents

Practice better communication

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Practice using sentences with the subject “I”. Messages with the subject “I” show that you are responsible for your own feelings and opinions without offending or pointing fingers at others. These affirmations are based on your own experience on a certain topic. They don’t focus on other people’s experiences. Messages with the subject “I” convey to the listener that “this is the situation in my opinion”. Some examples of these sentences are: ^{[1] X Research Source}

“I feel scared and frustrated when I hear shouting or swearing during an argument” instead of “You shouting and cursing like that scares me. You have to stop.”
“I am worried that my abilities are not suitable for my current position” instead of “You put me in a position where I cannot grow”.

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Practice being comfortable saying “no”. Turning down projects or get-togethers with friends doesn’t seem very friendly, but sometimes you need to say “no” in order to say “yes” to events and jobs that can facilitate your life. you grow. After all, you have the right to use your time however you see fit. Being assertive means knowing how to say no to situations you don’t enjoy. ^{[2] X Research Source}

It may seem difficult at first to say “no”, but with practice you will gradually realize that doing this right will help you move forward. You can learn how to set boundaries with others and assert yourself. Those are two of the most important skills for your personal and career growth. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

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Limit judgments. Many people shy away from being assertive in social situations because they equate assertiveness with judgment. Assertiveness means standing up for yourself, but done with compromise, taking into account the needs of others, and with respect. Judgment and criticism are not like that. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Control your emotions. Assertive people are good communicators. They don’t let their emotions dominate while communicating. They have control over their emotions, because letting their emotions take over can lead to unpredictable consequences. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

For example, when you hear someone say something you don’t agree with, getting angry won’t work. Angry reactions can be damaging to a relationship because you are speaking emotionally instead of from an objective perspective.
The first step towards mastering your feelings is to become aware of them. Start tracking your feelings for several days. Make notes about times and situations that triggered strong emotions in you. Find the emotion chart and try to make notes of how you feel. ^{[6] X Research Sources}
The next step is to explore the triggers behind those feelings. In other words, why did you react that way? Then, determine if that emotion accurately represents how you want to behave and interact with people. If the answer is no, you will have to change your perspective by correcting negative or unhelpful thoughts.

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Cut out reserved statements. In English, “qualifying statements” are additions to reduce the strength of an affirmative sentence. In literal debates, it’s a good idea to leave room for uncertainty. So conservative statements are useful in that context. However, in the context of assertiveness, you need to state your opinion with absolute affirmations, statements that you agree with 100%. Absolute affirmations leave no room for doubt, so they represent conviction.

The reserved statement might be “This is just my opinion, but…” or “You don’t have to mind this, but…”
A stronger absolute affirmation might be “In my opinion…” (without adding “but” or extenuating words) or “I think the best course of action is…”

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Assertive in body language. Non-verbal communication is equally, if not more powerful, than words. Assertive communicators often pay attention to body language to show non-threatening, disinterested, etc.

Assertive talkers respect everyone’s personal space by keeping a distance of about 1m between the two parties. During a conversation, they look each other in the eye (but don’t stare). They speak at a volume just enough to hear (neither too low nor too loud), with a timbre appropriate to the situation and place. ^{[7] X Research Sources}
You can stand or sit up straight, but with a relaxed posture (open arms and legs, facing the speaker) and use calm gestures to illustrate your words.

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Learn to choose tactics. Good manners are not always good in all areas of life. However, fiercely criticizing others for a small error in an argument cannot win support. Staying assertive is keeping a compromise, firm but flexible.

Choose how to argue. Not all issues need to be debated to the end or lectured on. Identify issues that align with your values, and voice your opinion.

Build self-esteem

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Understand what you want. ^{[8] X Research Source} Assertiveness can help boost self-esteem, but on the other hand you need some self-esteem to be assertive in social situations. Assertiveness and self-esteem both come from knowing what you want. How would you like people to treat you? What are you passionate about? What kind of people do you want to be around? What do you value in yourself and in others? All of those questions will give you an idea of what you want.

Get your pen and paper out to get started. List the values you admire in yourself and in others. These values may include qualities such as aspiration, tolerance, passion, honesty, compassion, etc. Sort by importance of the values that you consider most remarkable. How you rank those values will help you answer many more questions.

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Clarify your expectations – for yourself and others. Once you know what you want in life, take action to make them come true. Stop accepting the treatment of others that don’t match your standards. Speak up for what you want by standing up for yourself when your basic desires are not being met.

For example, if your partner is lying to you and this goes against your basic desire to have a frank and honest relationship, you need to assert yourself (i.e. talk) with that person. about what you want. If the person doesn’t respect your rights, you may have to think about whether you should continue the relationship.
Avoid talking around the Three Kingdoms or waiting for others to guess. Speak out your needs and desires candidly and clearly, showing others that your standards and values are uncompromising. “I want a boyfriend that I can trust” or “I want you to always be honest with me.”

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Know what you have. An important factor in building self-esteem is knowing your strengths. Make two lists: one that lists all of the things you’ve accomplished, and the other that lists everything you’re proud of. Get a close friend or family member involved if you find it difficult to identify your valuable qualities. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Edit thoughts. Not many people realize that one of the most powerful tools for controlling our emotions and behaviors is right in our heads. The things you say to yourself every day can make you feel great or bad that day. Learn to control your inner monologues by paying attention to the negative and unhelpful things you say to yourself. Reframe negative thoughts into positive ones by finding evidence – or lack of evidence – to support or disprove those unhelpful thoughts. ^{[10] X Research Source}

For example, when I find myself thinking, “I’ll never get a raise. No one pays attention to my expression”, think again. Can you really predict the future (you’ll never get a raise)? How do you know that no one notices your expression?
By asking questions, you can demonstrate that the thought is clearly absurd, because no one can predict the future. By bringing awareness to negative thoughts, you can limit self-criticism that lowers your self-esteem.

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Show respect to everyone. It’s important to realize that “assertive” is far from “aggressive”. “Intense” or “aggressive” is constantly praised in the business world as a positive quality. Aggressive marketing, aggressive sales – these are great personalities in many areas. However, a person who is aggressive – or aggressive – in communication is someone who is aggressive, demeaning, disrespectful, and infringes on the rights of others.

Being assertive means respecting everyone’s point of view, time, and effort. Speak up for yourself, while also treating everyone with a positive attitude. When you show respect to others, you will naturally become a more respectable person in the eyes of others. ^{[11] X Research Source}

Advice

Remember that assertiveness is a combination of many factors, including the way you sit, the way you talk, and the way you present yourself in front of people. You need to practice and apply all of these elements to become an effective communicator.

Warning

Assertiveness is often mistaken for aggression. As described above, these are two very different styles of interaction. Assertiveness implies fairness and standing up for self-defense in a respectful and non-threatening manner.

Steps

Practice better communication

Build self-esteem

Advice

Warning

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