11 ways to cope with feelings of betrayal by your family (and start the healing process)

Sometimes betrayal happens completely out of the blue, and it’s even more heartbreaking if the person betraying you is a family member. Even though the person has ruined your trust, it will be much better for you in the long run if you let go and forgive them. You can even rebuild your relationship with your family if you want and try. Our article starts with some steps you can take to deal with and manage your feelings of betrayal, followed by ways that can help you heal your loved one.

Table of Contents

Stay away from that person for a while.

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Keep your distance so that person can’t hurt you again. Don’t give your loved one another chance to hurt you or betray your trust. If possible, you should try to separate from your family by cutting off contact with them. Don’t reconnect until they’ve changed their behavior and realized what they’ve done to you. ^{[1] X Research Source}

You can reopen channels of communication with your loved one when they are ready to apologize or if you feel ready to talk.
You may need to avoid the person for a longer period of time if they make a big mistake with you, such as stealing or saying something behind your back that hurts you.

Recognize and feel your negative emotions.

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Feeling frustrated or angry at this time is completely normal, so don’t hide it. Instead of trying to suppress your feelings, feel them. Allow yourself to cry and get angry, but take a few seconds to figure out what makes you feel that way before moving on to another thought. It takes a long time to process all the emotions of being betrayed, so give yourself enough time. ^{[2] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

If you feel like crying, just cry. It will be much easier for you to get up after you have overcome the negative feelings for the moment.

Keep a journal of your feelings.

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Write down your feelings to release and process what happened. Turn to a new page in your diary or notebook and record exactly how you feel in the moment. Don’t edit yourself, just write down all the thoughts that come to mind about this incident. ^{[3] X Research Source} Keep a journal every day or whenever you feel the need to put your thoughts on paper. ^{[4] X Trusted Source University of Rochester Medical Center Go to Source}

No one but you can read your diary, so feel free to write down what you want and don’t self-censor if it helps you process your emotions.

Practice mindfulness.

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Go for a walk or take a few deep breaths to relieve stress. Instead of wallowing in what’s going on, focus on mental release. If you’re still upset about the other person’s betrayal, find a way to get out and de-stress. You can go for a daily walk, practice breathing exercises, do yoga, or do anything else that clears your mind. ^{[5] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

A simple breathing exercise you can try when you’re stressed: inhale through your nose for 4 counts, hold your breath for 7 counts, and slowly exhale through your nose for 8 counts. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Avoid blaming yourself for trusting them.

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You have done nothing wrong, so this betrayal is not your fault. Try not to blame yourself for trusting a loved one or for getting caught up in what happened, as this will only make you more miserable. The person’s actions are up to them, so get out of this and forgive yourself so you can move on. ^{[7] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

For example, you might say to yourself, “I’m not responsible for my brother’s actions, moreover I’ve done everything I could.”

Focus on the positives in your life.

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Get out there and do things that bring you joy and happiness. Instead of brooding over the negative effects of betrayal, make a list of all the things you’re proud of in your life. Consider interests, hobbies, or skills that you want to continue to improve and take the time to work on them. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

For example, you can take this opportunity to spend time with friends and other family members who love you to strengthen these relationships.

Find support from friends.

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Reach out to friends when you feel stressed. Reach out to a few really close friends you can trust and see if you can confide in them. Tell them about what you’re going through so they understand how you’re feeling right now. They may be able to comfort you or give you helpful advice if they have been in a similar situation. ^{[9] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

Take care not to overload your friends with your problems. Before you talk, you should ask if they are willing to talk to you about complex topics.

Schedule time to talk to the person about their behavior.

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Scheduling a time to talk will help you feel less distressed about what happened. When you’re ready to talk to the person, you should avoid raising the issue whenever you get the chance, as this will create a negative feeling in your interaction. Instead, schedule 15-20 minutes during the day where you can both sit down and talk. It may take some time to resolve the issue, but it will be easier if you talk a little bit every day. ^{[10] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

As the betrayed person, it is up to you to decide how many times to talk and how long the conversations are.

Let the loved one know why you feel hurt.

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Help your family understand what upsets you so they don’t repeat it. Think ahead of time about what you want to say to your loved one so you can stay calm and mature when you talk. Avoid embarrassing or humiliating them in conversation. Instead, simply explain how their actions hurt you so that they understand the consequences they caused you. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

For example, don’t say things like, “You lied to me and it really upsets me,” because this sounds like an accusation. Instead, you could say, “I’m so sorry to hear that you lied to me.”

Give your loved one a chance to explain.

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You will understand things better when you know the person’s motives. There’s a chance it’s just a fatal misunderstanding, so listen to the person’s interpretation. Listen carefully to understand why they do it. Try not to judge or interrupt so they have a chance to fully explain. ^{[12] X Research Source}

For example, maybe your loved one has a good reason to lie to you about something small.
Try not to get mad when your loved one explains it so you have a chance to think through the problem.

Resume the relationship gradually if desired.

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Restore trust with your family if you see them change. Rebuild trust with your loved one if you believe they understand your anger and want to change, but take it slow so you don’t get hurt again. Notice how they behave and whether their actions match their words. If your loved one remains respectful, sincere, and caring, continue to rebuild your relationship. ^{[13] X Research Source}

For example, if the person reveals some of your secrets, you should keep your story private every time you see them instead of sharing everything.
As another example, if the person steals something from you, you can still meet them in public but avoid inviting them over to your house.
Even if they are family members, you are not obligated to maintain the relationship if you do not feel confident in them. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Allow yourself to let go and move on.

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You can still work through negative emotions even if you don’t forgive the person. If you’re still angry or grieving over the betrayal, the wound won’t heal as long as you think about it. Choose to let go of what happened and move on with your life. Focus on the present and what you can do ahead instead of brooding over what has already happened. ^{[15] X Research Source}

For example, you may want to let go or sever the relationship if your loved one doesn’t apologize or continues to betray your trust without taking responsibility. ^{[16] X Research Source}
Note that forgiving someone is not justifying their behavior. It allows you to let go and not let the thoughts of the event affect you anymore.

Talk to a therapist.

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A professional can help you fix more serious problems. Betrayal in the family can be very traumatic, depending on what happened. If you’re finding it hard to work through or accept the situation, find a therapist to talk to about your problems. They can offer some helpful solutions that can help you rebuild the relationship. ^{[17] X Research Source}

You can go with the person to see a therapist so you can work things out together.

Advice

Think about what you want to say before you react so you don’t get mad or retaliate against a loved one who betrayed you. ^{[18] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

Warning

Avoid humiliation or retaliation after someone betrays you, as this can worsen your relationship. ^{[19] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

Steps