How to Overcome a Heatstroke with Married Colleagues

The feeling of being in love with someone is exciting. But if you have a crush on someone whose pursuit of a relationship is hopeless—like a married colleague, for example—all those magical feelings suddenly turn into pressure. Do you have a crush on a married colleague? Don’t worry! We’ve gathered here some expert advice to help you through this situation.

This article is based on an interview with love and marriage therapist and counselor Jessica Engle. See full interview.

Table of Contents

Remind yourself of the risks to your career

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Check the company’s rules about relationships. Whether that person is married or not, you can still get into trouble if you get involved in a romantic relationship with a co-worker at the same company. If you feel the urge to move on with your partner, ask yourself how this relationship might affect your work. If career is really important to you, focus on the downsides of this relationship for a holistic view.

For example, some companies prohibit employees from dating each other. If that’s the norm in your workplace, ask yourself if you really want to defy the rules and risk acting on your emotions.
Even if the company is quite comfortable with office romances, you need to consider the other consequences. Is this stressful for other colleagues? How can you deal with the buzz in the office?

Ask yourself what will happen if you move forward

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Think carefully about the consequences to resist temptation. Give yourself some time to visualize the relationship with your co-worker. If two people are already friends, how will this love story affect them? What effect did it have on their marriage? If something were to happen between two people, how would you feel about them and about yourself?

Limit your time with that person

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Resist the temptation to hang out with the person outside of work. The more you hang around the person you secretly love, the harder it is to get over your feelings. Limiting your co-workers is hard, but try to keep interactions brief and professional. Avoid socializing with them as much as possible.

For example, avoid going on a weekend outing organized by some co-workers if your dream partner is also present.
If possible, limit your time with the person at work as well. Don’t hang out with them in the break room at lunchtime, for example. If possible, don’t volunteer for projects that you might have to work with that person. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Set clear limits for yourself

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Identify behaviors that may push you to the brink of emotional action. Once you recognize these behaviors, promise yourself to stay away. Find practical ways to force yourself to adhere to those limits. Be gentle but firm, and try to act as one. ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, you might say to yourself, “I must not harbor illusions about my co-workers. If I have steamy thoughts about them, I’ll take a few deep breaths or take a sip of water and wait for the emotion to subside.” ^{[3] X Research Sources}
Or, if you find that every time you scroll through that person’s Facebook page, your heart skips a beat, unfriend or block them so you won’t be tempted.

Find a way to distract yourself

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Focus on activities that make you happy and happy. Once you have a crush on someone, it can be hard to think of anything else. The next time you find yourself daydreaming about your co-worker, find a way to distract that thought. For example, you can entertain your hobby, watch a funny movie, or pick up the phone to call a friend.

By doing things you enjoy, you can also help yourself avoid unhealthy ways of dealing with disappointment, such as emotional eating or obsessing over the person’s social media posts. festival. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Focus on building relationships with others

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Try to find ways to make new friends. Meeting other people or spending more time with friends and acquaintances can help you become less entangled in that coworker’s shadow. Moreover, if you are looking for love then social connections will increase your chances of finding someone who is not tied down! For example, you can try:

Join a club or volunteer group of people with the same interests as you.
Sign up for a class at the community center.
Spend more time doing enjoyable activities with friends, family or other co-workers.
Log into a dating app or go to local singles meetups.

Acknowledge unwanted thoughts as they arise, but don’t wallow in them

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It is normal for sexual or romantic thoughts to come up. You may find yourself suddenly thinking or dreaming about that person without knowing it. ^{[5] X Research Source} If this happens, don’t try to fight or push the thoughts away – doing so will only make you more obsessed. Instead, simply take notes without judging them or yourself. Those thoughts will eventually dissolve on their own and your mind will move on to other things. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Labeling thoughts as they come is also helpful. For example, you might say to yourself, “I’ve been thinking about that coworker again.” .
This takes patience and practice, so don’t be discouraged when you find yourself unable to stop unwanted thoughts from popping into your head. The important thing is not to dispel those thoughts, but to make sure they don’t overwhelm you.

Do stress relief exercises

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Relaxing activities can help you reduce stress. Falling in love with someone you can’t be with is very painful. If you’re upset because thoughts about that person keep coming up against your will, take a moment to calm your mind by doing something relaxing, such as meditating or taking deep breaths. You can also try: ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. When written down on paper, your feelings and thoughts can be less overwhelming and less pressing. You can even write to the person and destroy the letter.
Practice visualization (visualization). For example, imagine yourself lying in the middle of a peaceful lawn and looking up at the sky. If an unwanted thought pops into your head, just let it pass like a cloud. ^{[8] X Research Sources}
Exercise or stretch. Not only is this a great way to relieve stress, but it will also help you increase your confidence and focus on something else instead of the person.

Be kind to yourself

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See your emotions as strengths, not weaknesses. Loving someone is inherently a beautiful thing – even if you can’t move forward with it. Don’t blame yourself for having thoughts you shouldn’t have. Instead, reflect on the fact that you are emotional and tell yourself that you deserve to be with someone who can return your love!

Treat yourself like a close friend when they’re in a similar situation. Be patient as you work through your emotions, and try not to be too harsh on yourself. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Give yourself time to let your emotions settle down

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Don’t forget that the emotions you are experiencing are only temporary. You may think you will carry this similarity for the rest of your life, but it really isn’t. When emotions run high, you should allow yourself to feel them – but reassure yourself that things will change eventually. ^{[10] X Research Source} Be patient with yourself and push through.

When you fall in love with someone you meet every day, like a co-worker, it takes longer for those feelings to fade. Even so, as long as you don’t take any action forward, you’ll eventually make it through.

Find out what attracts you to them

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This is also an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself. For example, if that coworker has qualities that you admire, see your crush on that person as an opportunity for you to understand what you want in your future mate. ^{[11] X Research Source} You may also ask yourself, is there any other reason behind your secret crush, are you attracted to distant people just because it’s safer than that? Pursuing someone you can really bond with? ^{[12] X Research Source}

Once you’ve identified the causes of your crush on your coworker, think about possible solutions. For example, you can find people with similar personalities to date, or try to work through your underlying insecurities or needs that make you attractive.

See a therapist if you feel overwhelmed

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Get help if you’re really stressed out. The feelings you have for a married person can be extremely difficult to overcome. If those feelings get in the way of your work, other relationships, or daily life, call your doctor or counselor. They can help you build healthy coping skills and give you tips for handling your situation.

Talking to a friend or family member about how you’re feeling can also help.

Steps