How to Confess an Infidelity to Your Loved One

Use simple and direct sentences. Superfluous and tedious details will only make things go astray. Stick to the important details so this heartbreaking conversation doesn’t drag on too long.

• “We met at work” is better than a lengthy presentation like: “The clerical manager needs a new assistant. So she recruited this guy and trained him…”
• However, always be ready to go into detail if asked. Don’t skip details if your partner asks for more details.

Respect their right to know. No matter how many questions the person asks you, be patient and answer them all. When you’re willing to tell the whole story, including the most upsetting details, you’ve demonstrated an openness and commitment to wanting to rebuild trust with your partner. As a result, therapists often encourage clients to confide everything in order to facilitate the recovery process. ^[5] Furthermore, if you were in the other person’s position, you would expect the same patience and respect from them.

Don’t be defensive. Refusing to accept responsibility or deliberately understating will only escalate tensions. You should not focus on protecting your ego, but be there to support your partner when they need it. Counselors conclude that defensive statements not only destroy a single conversation, but can also ruin a marriage when given enough time. ^[6] Avoid saying the following:

• “I didn’t mean to hurt you”
• “It only happened once.”
• “I don’t know what I’m talking about!”

Don’t defend a third person. This will send a clear signal to your partner that you really have feelings for the other person. If not, why should you defend that person? If you truly value your current relationship, you must make it clear that your partner is number one.

Admit your mistake. Sincerely apologize for the wrongdoing. In addition to guilt, when you see how much your partner is suffering, you will be motivated to admit the mistake. Science has proven that people who are willing to admit their mistakes live happier lives than others. ^[7]

Explain why you regret it. A sincere apology will include admitting the mistake and showing remorse for hurting the other person. When you admit that you’ve caused the other person pain, you show concern for their feelings. If you haven’t found the right apology yet, here are a few suggestions:

• “I’m sorry I lied to you. You don’t deserve this treatment.”
• “It’s all my fault. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
• “Lying was wrong and I’m sorry I betrayed you.”

Consider marriage counseling. If you really want to save the relationship, ask your partner to see a counselor together. Dealing with the consequences of being unfaithful can be a long and troublesome process. A qualified professional can help the two of you heal.

Commitment to absolute honesty. It will take quite a while to rebuild trust. However, being honest with your partner from now on will show that you’re really working to mend the relationship.

• You may have to accept some conditions to get them to trust you again. For example, you may need to clearly state your location every time you go out, or allow your partner to check your phone, email, and social media accounts.

Share your feelings with your partner. Experts stress that for a relationship to truly recover from infidelity, you need to share your views and feelings with the other person. ^[8] Take the time to understand the causes of extramarital affairs and share what you find with your partner. You may ask yourself the following:

• “Is it because I feel lonely?” “If so, why?”
• “Why would I choose a third person over my life partner?”
• “What kind of feelings did I have for the third person?”