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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy. She received her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Pennsylvania and a diploma. Bachelor of Science in Sociology/Medical from the University of Florida.
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Sex can be a pretty amazing thing, if you’re up for it. Otherwise, it can have serious consequences including emotional problems, sexually transmitted infections, and even unwanted pregnancy. There are many methods to help you determine if you are ready for sexual intercourse. If you decide you’re ready, you need to discuss your concerns and expectations with your loved one and develop a plan to protect yourself. This will help you ensure that your first sex will be safe and enjoyable.
Steps
Assess situation
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Understand that everyone is different. Planning sex is a big deal and you need to consider your particular situation. There is no single “best” time to have sex. It is simply a matter that you need to think about and do your best to make the right decision for yourself. [1] X Research Source
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Consider your personal beliefs. Before you decide if you’re ready for a relationship, you should think about your values and beliefs. They will help define your nature, so you should think about the influence of the decisions you make on these factors. Try to identify the personal beliefs and values you possess to determine how your decision to engage in sexual behavior will affect you. [2] X Research Source
- For example, if your belief is that sex should be reserved for marriage, how will premarital sex affect you? Or, if you’ve always thought that you want to have sex for the first time with someone you love, how would you feel if you had sex with someone you only felt a little bit fond of?
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Think about your questions about sex, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and pregnancy. To reduce your chances of getting an STI or getting pregnant during sex, you need to learn about safe sex. Identifying the questions you ask will help you learn about what you need to know. [3] X Research Sources
- Talk to an older person or adult you trust about your concerns. If you don’t feel comfortable asking others questions about sex, you can always search for answers online.
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Ask yourself how much you understand and trust the person you love. Sex is very intimate, so it’s important to make sure the person you want to have sex with is someone you trust and know well. Otherwise, you should not proceed with this person. A few questions you can ask yourself include: [4] X Research Sources
- Do you trust this person? You should feel confident that the person you love is basically a good person and won’t do anything to hurt or embarrass you. This can be difficult to gauge, but here’s a benchmark you can follow: If you don’t trust the person to talk about your thoughts or secrets, you probably won’t. want to have sex with them.
- Is your relationship mature enough to perform sexual acts? If most of your interaction is focused on the shallow, sex won’t be a good idea. On the other hand, if you feel that you and your crush can help each other grow and improve, you might consider getting involved with that person.
- Can you discuss sex with someone you love? You should think about whether you can talk about things like birth control, STIs, the human body, and other topics related to sex with your partner. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this with the person before you both “get close” to each other, you should consider whether your decision is the right one.
- Are you influencing that person’s beliefs? In addition to considering your own values and beliefs, you should also think about your partner’s beliefs. If the person you love is going to be shunned or punished for having sex with you, it’s best to wait.
- Do you feel embarrassed after having sex with this person? It sounds silly, but you should think a few years ahead. If you were no longer dating this person, would you be embarrassed to talk about them with your future spouse? If the answer is “yes” or “maybe”, you should consider finding someone else better.
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Determine if your age is legal to have sex. The legal age will vary depending on the country you live in, so it’s important to make sure you can legally have sex before making a decision. You should remember that even if you volunteer, but you are not within the legal age, the person you love may get in trouble because of this. If your spouse isn’t of legal age, you’re in trouble. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, in Vietnam, it is illegal for someone over the age of 18 to have sex with someone under the age of 16.
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Consider everything your loved one has said to you. If you’re considering having sex with someone just because of something they’ve told you, you need to evaluate a few of their statements. Many people just try to force you to have sex by saying things to seduce or persuade you. Phrases that people often use to persuade their partner to have sex include: [6] X Research source
- “If you really love me, you should be “close” to me.”
- “Everybody has had sex before except us.”
- “I will be very gentle and I am sure you will like it”.
- “You will have to do this sooner or later. Then why not now?”
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Think about what people have told you. Your decision to engage in sexual acts will also likely be influenced by the people around you. But making this decision just because someone else said it would not be a good idea. You should carefully consider words that may influence your decision. Some common statements when people talk about sex include: [7] X Research Sources
- “Are you still a virgin?!”
- “I’ve been having sex since I was 12.”
- “You won’t understand because you’ve never been in a relationship.”
- “Sex is the best thing. You’re really missing out on the fun.”
Chat about Sex
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Talk to the person you love. Once you’ve taken the time to consider your feelings and assess any influences, you can continue to consider having sex. If you decide you’re ready and you don’t feel as if your partner or friend is pushing you, you should talk to your crush about how you’re feeling. [8] X Research Sources
- Try to say something like “I think you are ready for sex.” What do you/I think?”
- Remember that even if you feel ready, the person you love may not feel the same way. If the person says they’re not ready, you should respect their decision.
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Find out his or her relationship history. If the person you love is also ready for sex, you should find out about his or her sexual history. To protect yourself, you need to know how many people your partner has had sex with as well as whether he or she has ever had a sexually transmitted infection (STI). [9] X Research Source
- You can say something like, “I know it will be difficult for you to discuss this, but I would like to know more about your past relationships. . Have you had sex with anyone else in the past? If yes, with how many people? Have you ever had an STI?”
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Discuss the methods you will both use to deal with the dire consequences. Before having sex with someone, you should think about how to deal with serious consequences such as pregnancy or infection. Do you both have a medical provider or health care center that you can both go to for treatment? Do you both accept the risk of pregnancy or infection as part of having sex? You should carefully consider any potential consequences in this regard and how you will deal with them. [10] X Research Source
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Share your desires and expectations. After you’ve considered all the possible negative consequences of being in a relationship, it’s a good idea to take the time to talk about your desires and expectations. It’s a good idea to talk about your expectations the first time as well as the next time. And you should also refer to the person’s expectations. [11] X Research Source
- For example, do you want to try out some specific positions or other elements of sex? Do you want to build a “monogamy” relationship with that person?
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Set up a plan to protect yourself. Before you start having sex, you should find out what you plan to do to protect yourself against pregnancy and infectious disease. You should plan to see your doctor or get a physical exam to learn about the options you can choose from. Many health facilities provide free condoms to encourage people to practice safe sex. [12] X Research Source
- For example, you need to decide whether you will only use condoms or if you want to take extra birth control pills.
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Chat with people who are interested in you. Even if you’ve talked about your concerns to your partner, you may feel as though you should talk to someone who cares about you to make sure you’re making the right decision. If you feel comfortable talking to your parents, this could be a good place to start. If not, you might consider sharing with your doctor, school counselor, pastor, sibling or friend. [13] X Research Source
- Be clear and try to say something like, “I’m thinking about having sex. Can you give me advice on this matter?”
- Research has shown that people who can talk freely about sex with their friends are more likely to discuss the topic with their loved ones. [14] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source
Enjoy the “First Time”
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Use condoms to protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases . The best way to avoid STIs is to delay or avoid sex. [15] X Trusted Source US Food and Drug Administration Go to the source But if you don’t want to wait, you should keep yourself safe by using a condom every time you’re around your partner. People often assume that having sex for the first time won’t get you pregnant or get an STI. However, it is entirely possible for you to become pregnant or infected, so you must protect yourself. Condoms are very effective at preventing STIs when used correctly every time you have sex. [16] X Trusted Source Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to source
- If the person you love opposes the use of condoms, you should not agree to have sex with them. Make it clear to the person that you don’t want to be “close” unless you are assured of your safety. [17] X Research Source
- You might consider getting vaccinated against HPV, which is the virus that causes genital warts or cervical cancer. You should talk to your doctor about getting an HPV vaccine such as Gardasil and Cervarix. [18] X Trusted Source Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to source
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Consider using condoms and birth control pills at the same time. Using birth control pills alone won’t prevent you from getting an STI, but using the pill and condoms can greatly reduce the risk of an unwanted pregnancy.
- The contraceptive effectiveness of condoms is 82%, while that of birth control pills is 91%. So taking both at the same time can absolutely reduce your risk of unwanted pregnancy while also protecting you from getting an STI. [19] X Trusted Source Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to source
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Relax. Sex can be stressful for the first time, so you can do some stress-relieving exercises before you start. Take long, deep breaths to calm yourself down before sex. Keep in mind that anyone will feel a little nervous the first time they have sex, so it’s quite normal to feel this way. [20] X Research Source
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Be gentle. Part of what makes sex so enjoyable is foreplay and romance. You should take the time to enjoy the process. There’s no need to feel as though you have to race to the finish line. Just take it easy and enjoy the experience. You can create a romantic atmosphere for this moment by turning on soft music, turning down the lights, and having a little chat before you start. [21] X Research Source
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Tell your partner when you don’t feel comfortable. If you’re not enjoying the experience at any point, you should let your partner know. Similarly, if the person asks you to stop, you should. Sometimes, sex can be painful the first time, and this is completely normal. But if you simply can’t enjoy the process, you should let your crush know so you can both adjust your posture or decide to try again another time. [22] X Research Source
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Accept that the first time being in a relationship can be awkward. While movies and TV often turn sex into something that looks like an attractive and romantic experience, the process can actually be quite awkward. The first time will be extremely awkward because this is a completely new experience for you. Just remember that this is quite normal and you don’t have to feel embarrassed about it. [23] X Research Sources
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Know well that you will likely experience many different kinds of emotions after the first time you have sex. After this process is over and you have had time to think about and process your own experience, you will begin to feel some emotions that are quite new to you. You don’t have to worry about weird feelings after your first sex. If you have trouble dealing with them, you should discuss them with someone you trust, such as a parent, counselor, or close friend. [24] X Research Source
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Think about other ways to build a physical emotional relationship with your partner. There’s a long way between holding hands and having sex. If you feel that your relationship is moving too fast, you should try to slow it down by engaging in other non-sexual intimacy, such as kissing, cuddling, and hug. You can also talk about sex, marriage, or children with your partner because for many people this is another exciting topic. Proceed to express your love for each other in a way that both of you feel comfortable.
Advice
- Loss of chastity should be part of a positive and satisfying relationship. You should make sure that you are of legal age to have sex and that the person is right for you.
- Never push others. You should think about how you would feel if someone pushed you.
- If you think you’re not ready to talk about this, you don’t have to force yourself. You don’t have to rush.
Warning
- No one is allowed to force you to have sex. If you are raped, phone emergency services, and go to the hospital or police station immediately!
- Know the legal age to have sex where you live. In Vietnam, legal sex is when both are over 16 years old. If one person is younger than this age, and the other is an older person, that person will be guilty of child rape.
- Never have sex while you are in an abusive relationship.
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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy. She received her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Pennsylvania and a diploma. Bachelor of Science in Sociology/Medical from the University of Florida.
There are 10 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 10,317 times.
Sex can be a pretty amazing thing, if you’re up for it. Otherwise, it can have serious consequences including emotional problems, sexually transmitted infections, and even unwanted pregnancy. There are many methods to help you determine if you are ready for sexual intercourse. If you decide you’re ready, you need to discuss your concerns and expectations with your loved one and develop a plan to protect yourself. This will help you ensure that your first sex will be safe and enjoyable.
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