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This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 25 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,300 times.
If your marriage is in decline, you or your spouse may be considering divorce. But it’s never too late to improve your marriage. Changing yourself and the nature of the relationship will help you restore a healthy, fulfilling marriage.
Steps
Improve yourself
- If you want to raise a question about actions you can take to make your partner happier and more fulfilled, don’t hesitate.
- Expect the person to listen to you with the same respect.
- If your partner verbally abuses you, belittles, or refuses to engage in conversation, let them know that their behavior makes you feel frustrated, alone, and depressed.
- Your happiness should not depend on the other person. You need to focus on being the best you can be, even if your partner isn’t.
- If you expect the worst from your partner, it will be easier for you to notice and focus on your conflicts and problems. [3] X Research Source Try to notice the subtle, positive change in the way you interact with your partner. Share them with that person.
- Talk together, not monologue. Listen to your partner and expect that they will also listen to you. [4] X Research Sources
- Skip a few things. For example, you want to eat chicken but she makes soup, or you want to go to the movies but he insists on watching the football game. In either case, no matter what the two of you decide, life goes on. You should know how to choose your battles and ignore trifles.
- Being flexible doesn’t mean your spouse can trample you. Sometimes, the decision not to give in is the right thing to do.
- Stay away from the trigger topic, discuss the issue that will cause both of you to quarrel.
- Only communicate when awake and comfortable.
- Try to schedule a few specific dates or times to get together.
- In addition to enjoying alone time, you should also meet friends.
- Identify situations or people that you know will cause you to betray and stay away from them whenever possible.
Accept your life partner
- Asking your partner to change won’t make them or you happy. The person will feel stuck in your demands, and you will be disappointed that they don’t change.
- Do not compare your spouse to others.
- Understanding why and how your spouse responds to criticism will help you mitigate your approach. Explaining that you feel attacked or hurt by the other person’s demands will make them soften their approach.
- Lower your expectations of yourself to a realistic level and realize that you and your spouse are both flawed in your own way.
- Don’t expect your spouse to be the only one providing satisfaction.
Working together
- Make time for romance. [16] X Research Source Everyone is busy, but scheduling a date night will give you time to set the mood. You can have a romantic candlelit dinner together (whether at a restaurant or at home), go to the movies, or simply go bowling. However, before you go to bed, you need to give your spouse the love and attention they are lacking. Tell him you love him and would love to spend time with him.
- Place scented candles and flowers around the bedroom. Massage your partner’s hands, feet, and shoulders before sex. Stimulating the senses is an important first step in rekindling your partner’s desires.
- If you have a feeling that your sex life is pretty bland, you can try a new position or undergarment. You can also read erotic stories to each other, or watch “adult” movies. Take turns being the facilitator of this process to ensure maximum diversity. [17] X Research Source
- Ask yourself and your spouse questions such as:
- What wonderful things do I think my spouse is capable of? What can I do to motivate them to achieve the best?
- Where do I want to travel with my spouse?
- What do I expect to do with my spouse when I retire?
- Invite your spouse to share your dreams and desires. Thinking and talking about your future together will help you navigate it.
- These conversations should not be used for complaints or negative thoughts.
- Talk about how you’re feeling with a statement that begins with “I” (yourself), like “I hope we spent more time together,” as opposed to “I /I never want to spend time with you. [19] X Source of Research These statements are generally less likely to be viewed as criticism and will have more positive results.
- When you’re unfairly blamed, you need to defend yourself, but don’t fight back when criticized. You should try to see the conflict from your spouse’s toxic perspective. [20] X Research Source
- Tell your spouse that you love them every day.
- Surprise your spouse with small gifts they like. You can cook them dinner, buy them flowers, or take them shopping.
- It may take some time for you to rebuild trust and affection for that person. You need to be patient and keep trying.
- Forgive even if the other person won’t do it.
- Couples counseling will usually last for an hour, once per week. Seeing a therapist more often leads to more results.
- Group therapy is another helpful type of counseling, and it will introduce many couples going through similar stressors to discuss how they are dealing with problems. Group therapy will provide an opportunity for you to form new understandings and ideas about your relationship.
Test separation
- Your spouse may not agree with the idea of a trial separation. Explain to your partner the benefits of this “rest” and take the time to think carefully about what you both really want from your marriage.
- Will the two move out separately? Or just one person?
- Where will each go?
- Is it necessary to split or share a bank account? Credit?
- Children may react poorly to the experimental breakup process. They will become clingy or unwilling to go to school. Older children and adolescents will be socially withdrawn or angry. You should talk to your child’s teacher about the situation in your family so they can watch for signs that your child is behaving erratically.
- Children may believe that the actions they took were the cause of your separation. Let them know the situation between you and your spouse is not their fault and they did nothing wrong to cause it.
- Schedule appropriate care and visitation for your child. You should not move children back and forth between the two places more than once per week, and ensure that their learning process will not be interrupted.
- Ideally, you should continue to attend couples therapy even if you live apart. Trial separation should not be the time when both of you completely stop communicating with each other. [28] X Research Source You should try to identify the difference with the help of a consultant.
- Don’t use the trial separation phase to pretend you’re single. Do not date other people or engage in romantic relationships. The goal of this stage is to find new perspectives on your relationship that only the process of separation can give you.
- It is possible that you and your spouse will not make the same decisions about the status of this marriage. You should be prepared to move forward with divorce at the end of the trial separation period if either of you thinks this is necessary.
Warning
- Don’t try to mend a broken relationship. If your spouse harms you physically, harms your children, your family, or acts aggressively in some way, divorce is the best option.
- Seek immediate protection from physical harm. You should contact the help center, police, family, or friends and let them know you need help.
- Avoid thinking that you need to keep your marriage for the sake of your children.
- The divorce option should not be eliminated entirely. Some people simply don’t get along.
This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 25 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,300 times.
If your marriage is in decline, you or your spouse may be considering divorce. But it’s never too late to improve your marriage. Changing yourself and the nature of the relationship will help you restore a healthy, fulfilling marriage.
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