How to Set Personal Boundaries

Decide to set boundaries. The first step is to realize that you need to set boundaries or improve on them. Boundaries are a stretch of love and respect for self and others, rather than a response of fear or rejection. ^[10] They are a way out of situations where it is necessary to please others and to be loved and accepted. ^[11]

• For example, your roommate regularly borrows your car. She never refills the gas tank or gives you gas money. You can’t keep paying off your gas bill forever.

Define boundaries. Ask yourself what you hope to achieve in order to achieve a particular boundary. You’ll want to define each type of boundary, physical and emotional, for different settings like at home, at work, and with friends.

• For example, you might decide that you won’t let others take advantage of you and disrespect your time and personal space.
• For example, you might want your roommate to pay for gas when she drives your car.

Set boundaries. Share boundaries with the people in your life. This way, they will understand some of the wants and needs that you have.

• For example, talk calmly and politely to your roommate that you need her to help with car maintenance with gas money. If she doesn’t want that, then she can’t ride your car anymore.
• For example, if friends have a habit of coming up to you unannounced and it bothers you, tell them that you want them to call before coming. Setting boundaries also means when something is up. happening at a time (for example, someone borrowed something without asking), you can point it out and let the person know this is unacceptable. Speak calmly and politely. Talk to your roommate that you want her to consult you before borrowing a car.

Maintain boundaries. For many people, this is the most challenging part of setting boundaries. Not only do you help others to respect their limits, but you also retrain yourself.

• For example, if your roommate forgets to give you gas money, remind them gently but firmly.
• You can ignore and ignore, but don’t forget: this is a process. Reset your resolve and stick to the boundaries.
• At first, you may notice that others are pushing against your boundaries. If they respect you, they will be willing to accommodate them.
• Remember, you are not trying to change people or control them. You just need to focus on how you want to be treated. You will communicate this with words and actions. For example, a friend arrives without calling first. To maintain boundaries, you can say, “I’m sorry you’re coming in at this time, but I’m busy on a project at work and I can’t see you right now. I hope next time you will call before coming.” This strategy will strengthen your boundaries in a polite way about respecting personal time and space.

Be frank. Being upfront and concise is a respectful way to let others know what your boundaries are. On the contrary, speaking indirectly, whining or explaining at length will confuse the message. ^[12] Here’s an example of how to communicate face-to-face:

• You: “Hey Nam, we’ve been playing video games for a few hours. Now I’m tired and want to go to sleep.”
• Nam: “Oh, come on, it’s Friday night. Watch the next movie or order pizza.”
• You: “Sorry, Nam. You’d better go home. I need to go to sleep now.”

Take care of yourself. One of the hardest parts of setting and maintaining boundaries is the fear of appearing rude or selfish. First, make it a priority for yourself to recognize and respect your own feelings. This does not mean that you dismiss others or their feelings. Your assignment of boundaries is around a willingness to take care of yourself that you can be there for others.

• Allow yourself to recognize and respect the boundaries you need to perform successfully.
• When you live within your boundaries, others can choose to either respect it or not. When they choose not to respect your boundaries, you have the opportunity to reinforce them in a self-affirming way.

Remove toxic people from your life. You have the right to do this against people who will control and take advantage of you. Learning how to create healthy boundaries takes time, but you will succeed if you surround yourself with people who support and respect you and what you choose. ^[13]

• You don’t allow anxiety or low self-esteem to stop you from taking care of yourself.
• You are not responsible for how others treat you when you maintain your healthy boundaries.

Small start. Start controlling a boundary so you learn this new skill. Choose something that’s not threatening.

• For example, there may always be someone who stands too close to you or often looks over your shoulder while you are reading e-mail. This is a good opportunity to practice asking others to give you more personal space. ^[14]
• Once you define and establish clear and healthy boundaries, you’ll find it easy to maintain. At the same time, you’ll find yourself gaining confidence and your relationship improving.

Be patient when building relationships. Setting boundaries is a great step towards developing a healthy relationship. Deep friendships are built over time. They cannot come on suddenly by crossing social boundaries or sharing more than is appropriate.

• You can still feel connected to others even when you have healthy boundaries. But you should be able to respect yourself, your time, and your own needs without getting caught up in others. ^[15]
• You should feel free to go out with other people. A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to ask permission to do something. If your boyfriend/girlfriend seems jealous when you’re out with other friends, have a conversation to establish a boundary about your activities.

Talk to coworkers about boundaries. It’s all too easy to take advantage of yourself if you don’t set or maintain boundaries. Make sure your co-workers understand your boundaries by making them clear. ^[16]

• For example, some co-workers may assume you’ll be replying to e-mails for hours. If you just want to save test emails during work hours, you need to communicate that. If a coworker says, “I’ll send you a sketch of the project tonight,” you might respond, “I’ll be sure to see your sketch when I get to the office.”

Ask for help when needed. If your workload is becoming too much, ask your manager to assign someone to help. You can also offer some suggestions for re-organizing your workload so that it can meet the immediate task and prioritize other tasks.

Set appropriate boundaries between individuals. It is important to maintain certain boundaries so that the workplace becomes professional and productive. The company may have certain policies in place to set certain boundaries, especially regarding respect for the workplace, use of technology, and more. ^[17]

• If you’re in a management position, you can help develop a few policies to ensure proper boundaries.

Have a planned working day. Set boundaries with your time by planning your workday. Bring to-dos to the meeting so the conversation will be useful to everyone. If you spend a lot of time replying to messages, limit yourself to checking messages to about 15 minutes at a time during the day.

Strategize how you will respond to a boundary violation. It is inevitable that someone will cross the line you have set. Consider how you react. Making an exception may be acceptable in one go, but remember that some disproportionate boundaries won’t be respected as much. ^[18]

Recognize abusive and controlling behavior. Some behaviors are more than just lousy boundaries. They can be violent and controlling. The following are warning signs of abusive or controlling behavior: ^[19]

• Physical abuse: This may include hitting, slapping, punching, or other forms of physical harm.
• Threats of Violence: According to the Northwestern Women’s College Center, “healthy relationships do not include threats.” ^[20]
• Disrupting the object: This is used to intimidate others and it can be a precursor to violence.
• Use force in an argument: Someone might try to restrain you with physical gestures or block the way so you can’t escape to safety.
• Jealousy: A jealous person may question or monitor their partner about certain activities.
• Behavioral control: Someone may be fully absorbed in some of your movements until they begin to control your appearance and activity. Control is evident in questioning a person about where she is, what she is doing, who she is with, or why she is late coming home.
• Engage quickly: An abuser may pressure you into a relationship before enough time has passed to develop feelings and a desire to commit.
• Quarantine: This may include some efforts to eliminate your contact with friends and family.
• Cruelty to animals and children: The abuser will use this as a way to force you to do what he wants without regard for the pain or feelings of the pet or the child.

Abandon the relationship. If you notice an abusive or controlling attitude in your relationship, it may be time to talk about it. Even with good boundary setting, the abuser’s behavior may not lead to a conversation. If you can’t safely end the relationship, then get out of the relationship as soon as possible. ^[21]

Build a support system. If it’s not safe to leave the relationship, build a support system of people who seriously care about your safety. They can be friends or family, someone you trust. ^[22]

• Come up with a keyword or phrase that will signal to the support person that you need help right away. This can be difficult to do if the abuser keeps a tight grip on every move and never allows you to be alone.
• Use your phone or the Internet to connect with external contacts. Have a secure password to keep your communications private.
• Have a good list of phone numbers for some places and people who can help you.
• Know where the emergency room is to go if injured and get help from local resources.

Plan your escape and be ready for immediate action. Map out a route that you can take to safety. Be prepared to leave most things behind, like clothes and possessions. Take only what you need. ^[23]

Secure your phone and desktop settings. Make sure you keep your phone and computer safe so your abuser can’t track or discover your whereabouts.

Know the location of where you can stay locally. Some cities have shelters for victims of domestic violence. Here are some places where you can find shelter and safety from your abuser, and keep your identity private. ^[24] Mostly designed for temporary accommodation and can help you move into temporary accommodation.

• Consult the Domestic Shelters website to locate the nearest peaceful home in the US. In Vietnam, you can go to the Center for Women and Development – Vietnam Women’s Union to get support.