How to Deal with a Relative You Don’t Like

Avoid heated debates. If your uncle likes to talk about politics but you don’t want to discuss it, you shouldn’t join the conversation. ^[7] You need to make an effort not to bring up family matters. Even if your uncle talks about it and tries to force you to discuss it, how you respond is up to you. It could be about a sports competition, about college, or a kinship rivalry.

• You should say “We can agree or disagree and we should stop here” or “I don’t want to argue any further and I just want to have a good family gathering without arguments like like this again.”

Battle selection. ^[8] Your relative may say something quite offensive that you just want to protest or correct right away, but it’s a good idea to take a few seconds to breathe and decide. See if it’s worth your argument. If your grandfather said something offensive, you should ask yourself if your comment changed his opinion or if it just sparked an argument.

• Sometimes you need to grit your teeth and say, “You have the right to voice your opinion.”

Resolve conflicts. If you can’t stand a relative because of a conflict, you should find out if you can resolve the conflict. You will have to find time to sit down, be honest with each other, and dispel the heavy atmosphere. When approaching your relative, you need to be kind, empathetic, and not put yourself on the defensive. ^[9]

• The sooner you resolve the conflict, the less resentment will accumulate.
• Ready to forgive. ^[10] You don’t have to ignore the situation or pretend it hasn’t happened, but you should learn to forgive so you can release the pain in your heart.

Say no”. ^[11] If your relative often asks for something from you (money, unpaid work, free housing, etc.), don’t hesitate to say no. You should remember that you absolutely have the right to say “no”. If you want to consider things before saying “yes” right away, you also have the right to wait and think things over before agreeing to anything.

• You don’t have to justify your reaction or make excuses. Just say “Sorry, I can’t do that”. You don’t have to explain it to anyone.

Stay away from negative aggressive manipulation. Perhaps the difficulty was due to some negative, aggressive comment when a relative compares you to other grandchildren (“Wow, Nam got accepted into college but he got into college). community is also good”). You may even feel manipulated by a relative’s negative comments or actions. If your relative gives you negative criticism, you should stay away from them as much as possible and not interact with them more than necessary; you should remember that this is not a personal matter and it has nothing to do with you. ^[12]

• If you feel manipulative, you should look for strategies to disengage yourself from the conversation (“I’m going to see if anyone needs help in the kitchen” or “I’m going to hang out with my nieces and nephews.” , I haven’t seen them in a while!”). Don’t join the conversation.

Keep your family rules. If you’re having trouble enforcing family boundaries with relatives, you should let them know that your family rules apply everywhere at all times. If you don’t like the way a relative is treating your children (like ordering them or feeding them unhealthy food), you should let that person know that their behavior is against your family’s rules, and this rule is enforced both inside and outside the house.

• Be frank and realistic when discussing the matter with the person. You can say something like, “An’s not allowed to play with that toy in the house, and she’s not allowed to play with it here either.”

Deal with awkward situations. If your relative has committed something unforgivable, you can enforce any boundaries that allow you to feel safe. Whether it means inviting the person to a family gathering, avoiding the person altogether, or letting your family know that you’ve decided to cut ties with this person. You need to focus on feeling safe, and not punish your family member.

• Use your best judgment in informing family members about the situation. You should remember that even though you may feel as though this situation is completely unacceptable, your family may not feel the same way as you do and will continue to maintain a relationship with the person.
• Although you will want to stay away from the person for your own safety, you should know that estrangement will hurt both you and your family members. ^[13]

Take care of yourself. If you know you’re going to have to spend a day with a relative you don’t like, you should make sure you’re well prepared before facing the situation. If the person often makes you aggressive or irritable, make sure you get enough sleep the night before. When you get tired and grumpy at the family Christmas party, you should go home early. And remember to eat well, too: if your blood sugar is stable, you’re less likely to become angry or aggressive. ^[14]

Remember that it has nothing to do with you. If someone looks down on you, belittles you, or says nasty things to you, remember that this action is a reflection of that person’s human nature rather than yours. ^[15] Be firm and remember who you are. You should do your best to ignore every word and remind yourself, “This is not about me. It’s just a reflection of my aunt herself.”

• People often become evil because they face personal problems. This will happen when the person has low self-esteem, has trouble with anger, or is stressed.
• Others may act in a particular way and believe that their actions are completely normal. This is due to many factors, but you can consider the example of people who allow their fiercely competitive business to influence their personal lives.
• Some people simply don’t have the biological tools needed to feel empathy. Perhaps due to differences in genetics or the way they were raised (for example, the environment they grew up in). ^[16]

Realize that you cannot change this person. There’s nothing you can do to change someone you can’t get along with. You may have the illusion of a happy family partying together every holiday, and when this relative shows up, he or she shatters your illusion. Letting go of illusions and accepting the family you have is up to you, and illusions are just thoughts of fun and happiness that aren’t real. ^[17]

Accept your relative. Instead of approaching the person with judgment and disgust, practice acceptance and empathy. You should listen when they talk and try to understand their point of view. ^[18]

• Show that person loving compassion. You should take a deep breath and look at that relative. Then think, “I have seen you, and I see that you are suffering. I don’t fully understand your pain, but I recognize it and I accept that it affects me in this moment.” ^[19]

Look for reasons to express gratitude. ^[20] Although you’ll feel dread before any family gathering, especially since you don’t like spending time with a difficult relative, you can look for what makes you look look forward to or feel grateful in the encounter with family. Maybe you’re excited to see your grandkids again, or glad you got the chance to cook (or not cook).

• Look for things to be grateful for before attending a family gathering. This way, you can face the situation with a built-in sense of gratitude.