How to Rekindle the Flame of Love

Talk honestly with each other. In the early stages of getting to know each other, it is difficult to be apart because the two of you can confide and talk all night. Over time, however, intimate and loving dialogue tends to dwindle, and mostly revolves around finances, children, and to-do lists. You should take the time to bond and discuss some topics that you are both passionate about. Let’s discover stories that two people really care about and talk about them.

• Start a conversation about a book club that’s just for the two of you.
• Learn new things about each other by asking “How” and “What” questions. ^[5] For example, you might ask “What does high school look like to you?” or “How did you feel leaving that school?” Asking open-ended questions will make the conversation simpler and more natural. And you should listen and engage with the other person’s feelings again with all your heart.
• Avoid criticizing the other person when he/she is not talking to you. Instead, try doing something positive, you can ask the other person to tell you about his/her work day after having dinner, enjoying a cup of coffee or sipping a glass of wine. . Try saying, “I’m really curious to know how you went through today. Sit down here and tell me.” ^[6]

Compliment your opponent. A long-term relationship can cause the two of you to lose respect for each other and forget the sweet words that you both used to say when you first started falling in love. Complimenting him or her will show your partner that you care about them. ^[7]

• Be specific in each word. Instead of saying, “You look so pretty,” try saying, “I like this dress because it flatters your curves” or “I love looking at you when you’re wearing that shirt.”
• Or instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try complimenting him by saying, “I admire your understanding and the honest way you discuss matters.”

Focus on the good things you and your partner have been through together. While focusing on the negative is often easy, highlighting the positive will help your relationship flourish. It’s especially important to focus on why you and your partner love each other. ^[8]

• For example, you and he or she developed feelings when you both have the same hobby of running, or share the same beliefs and ideals, or both have a common desire to help others.
• Make a list of all the things that made you fall in love with your current lover and ask him/her the same thing. Afterwards, the two of you should share this list together so that you can reconnect through reminiscing about when you first met.

Always give each other intimate gestures every day. Physical contact releases the hormone oxytocin, which increases feelings of intimacy. ^[9] Don’t just touch each other as a sexual foreplay. Instead, kiss each other goodbye in the morning, hug each other every time you see each other, and give each other massages to relax after a long day at work.

• Hold hands and hug for a long time, especially if you both need to relax.

Try making a few small changes to spice up your sex life and rearrange your bedroom. If the two of you are living together, remove all unnecessary things in the bedroom, including children’s toys, work papers, and clothes strewn on the floor. Light candles, buy new bed sheets, and do whatever else it takes to make your room a private space. ^[10]

• If you often fall asleep while watching TV, consider taking your TV, laptop, and other electronic devices out of your bedroom. Create an atmosphere of intimacy by agreeing to say no to technology while in the bedroom together.

Send naughty messages. Tell your partner how excited you are to meet him/her and reminisce about the last night you both spent together. Or you can send him a sexy picture of you. A text message like this can make him/her feel extremely excited!

• Remember that you should only send messages when you are really comfortable. And you never feel pressured to send anything, even texting someone you love.

Build confidence. Putting yourself down will make you feel like you don’t deserve to be treated well or that things will slowly get worse. This way of thinking can ruin a relationship and even become a reality. ^[11] Instead of letting your relationship go downhill and end, you should take the time to build your confidence and trust in your partner.

• If you have been hurt in the past, don’t forget to heal it and appreciate your worth, knowing that you are worthy to give and receive love.
• Instead of avoiding sex because of low self-esteem, learn to accept yourself for who you are. If you’re thinking about changing your body shape (like losing weight), you should first understand that your ideal weight won’t make you feel more confident. And whether you are comfortable with yourself or not, that depends on how you see it.

Practice forgiveness. Nothing can kill love as quickly as hatred. If you and your partner have an unresolved issue and it’s straining your relationship, then it’s time to forgive each other and move forward together. Have a frank talk about it together and try to let it go. If you’re having a hard time letting things go peacefully, it’s always better to see a couple counselor, because they can help you salvage the relationship. ^[12]

• There’s nothing wrong with going to a counselor and asking for help. It can even be helpful in helping the two of you find ways to bond and be closer to each other.

Spend some time apart. Even though the two of you have promised to spend the rest of your lives together, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be together. In fact, taking a break from each other for a while can help improve your relationship by taking a break from a hard week’s work, keeping in touch with friends, and relaxing. Negotiate with your partner how much time you want you to spend together or apart, like one night apart every weekend or one week each month. ^[13] This choice should be made by mutual agreement of both.

• Occasionally hang out with your friends in the evening or spend the weekend going to a relaxing spa.
• The temporary separation of the two of you will stir up the relationship, thereby increasing the feeling of anticipation and excitement when being reunited.
• Don’t overlook activities and hobbies that you indulge in while you’re in love. Keep painting, dancing, or going to the gym, even if your partner isn’t participating.

Travel together. Going on a trip together can bring a couple closer, especially when the focus is solely on each other and on love. Such a trip will help you get rid of the daily stress and put your whole mind on the other person. ^[14] You could try planning a dream trip or spending a beautiful weekend on a picnic. Make a list of places you both want to see, and then choose a place that excites both of you. Every day, don’t forget to make a plan together so you can get there and bond together. Finally, aim to create lots of memorable memories, like taking pictures and videos, so you can relive these memories together later.

• You can go backpacking or camping to enjoy the great outdoors or plan a luxurious stay at a luxury resort. Traveling abroad can be an unforgettable experience for both of you!
• If you have young children, you should try to spend at least one vacation each year together without them. ^[15]

Be a good listener. Take the time to talk to your partner, and more importantly, listen to them. Engage the person by asking open-ended questions, and reflecting on what he/she has to say. You should be more open about sharing your feelings, and allow him/her to do the same. ^[16]

• You can practice listening and responding by saying, “I heard you say there is something really stressful between you and your parents” or, “You seem to be under stress from work.”

Stress control. For work, family, and other matters that always require your time, sometimes love suffers the most because most of the time is taken away. Stress is normal in life; However, chronic stress can increase levels of cortisone, a hormone that reduces libido. ^[17] Of course, this can damage the relationship in the long run. If possible, don’t hesitate to remove any stressors from your life and combat stress with regular exercise, yoga, or meditation. Encourage him/her to do the same, especially when he/she is struggling with stress.

• Manage your time properly to avoid stress caused by rushing to complete tasks on time. Whenever you are assigned a task, you should focus on solving it instead of having them piled up, and use the planner to keep track of the assigned tasks.
• Spend more time doing what you enjoy. Life is not meant to be just work without entertainment. Therefore, it is essential to spend at least one day a week doing what you are passionate about.

Work together on a long-term plan. Find something fun that interests you both and do it together. Having a common long-term goal will ensure that the two of you spend a lot of time together during the week and can pull you out of the rut of work and family. Some plans you can work together include: ^[18]

• Train together for a sporting event, like a triathlon.
• Learn a new language together, then visit that country to practice speaking.
• Build something together, like build a boat, build a shed, or design a garden.

Try something new. This will help increase intimacy. ^[19] Choose an activity you both have done before, even if it’s a little scary. Sharing an experience of anxiety and overcoming it with concrete action can bring the two of you closer together in a way you never imagined. In addition, this experience will become a great conversation topic when chatting with friends.

• Learn to climb mountains, skydive or paraglider.
• Plan a backpacking trip together.
• Take a cooking class with natural and wild ingredients.