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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 9,487 times.
Have you ever wondered, “Why do other people treat me like this?”. If someone (stranger, friend, or loved one) treats you badly, you probably always want to know why. You will find the answer by observing their behavior and consulting others. The next step is to talk openly with the person about why they are treating you badly. Finally, learn to set healthy boundaries with people who don’t appreciate you.
Steps
Evaluate the behavior of the person who treats you badly
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List what caused them to express their displeasure. To know why someone is treating you badly, you need to understand what’s going on. This is the time to reflect on how they treat you. Which of their behaviors makes you uncomfortable? Try to be clear and specific about every detail of their behavior. [1] X Research Source
- Write down any unusual things you notice in their behavior. For example, they don’t seem interested when you talk to them. You should write down exactly what happened.
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Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to think of a good reason for their behavior. Of course you can’t read other people’s minds, but you can imagine the same thing happening to you and identify what caused them to act the way they did.
- For example, maybe they received bad news at school and when you came to chat, they showed a lack of enthusiasm. That bad news may be the cause of their misbehavior, not you. [2] X Research Source
- Another example is you accidentally knocking a friend out of the game. Because they are left out, they are not happy and get angry with you. Acknowledging your mistake and apologizing can help you resolve the issue.
- However, you should also not take your feelings lightly when doing this. Even if you understand the cause, you don’t necessarily have to forgive or compromise if their actions hurt you.
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Observe how they treat others. To better understand their behavior, you should observe how they interact with others. Look for similarities and contrasts with how they treat you. If they treat other people as badly as you do, it’s probably not your problem. If the way they treat people around them is different from yours, it’s likely that they’re deliberately treating you badly.
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Consult other people’s opinions. You may be a little sensitive to people’s unfriendly behavior, so consulting a few people will give you a more objective view. Talk to people who also know this person and see what they think. [3] X Research Sources
- You might ask, “I’ve noticed that Xuan has been mean-spirited lately. Did you see that?”
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Consider skipping this. With the information gained from observation and consultation with many people, you will decide what you should do next. If you think the person is acting this way because they have a personal problem, it may be better to just ignore the behavior and hope things get better soon.
- However, if you can’t find a good reason, or if you suspect they’re deliberately treating you badly, talk to them directly.
- You need to determine if the person is important enough for you to be willing to ignore the issue.
Talk to them about what’s going on
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Take the initiative to have a private conversation with that person. If you decide to meet the person to talk about what’s going on, choose a very private time. When the conversation takes place in the presence of many other people, the problem will get worse and it will be difficult for you to have a goodwill exchange. [4] X Research Sources
- You can say, “Nam, can I talk to you for a minute?”
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Describe the behavior you are witnessing and how you feel about it. When it’s just you and the person, talk about what you notice in their behavior. The next thing is to work out how you feel when you see what’s happening. [5] X Research Sources
- You should talk about what’s going on with you, like, “All week long, I’ve noticed that every time I greet you, you don’t say anything.”
- Next, express how you feel about the action by saying, “I feel hurt when I am ignored.” [6] X Research Source
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Ask them to explain. After you describe the person’s behavior, you can ask them to explain why they acted the way they did.
- Try suggesting by saying, “Can you explain why you’re acting like that?”
- However, they may not acknowledge their behavior or refuse to explain. Some people even blame you.
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Set your boundaries. You can’t control how others treat you, but you can let them know how you want to be treated. Do this by setting healthy boundaries. If someone treats you badly, it’s easy to determine which boundaries have been broken. Now you just have to let them know not to do it again. [7] X Research Sources
- For example, with the example above, you could say, “If you continue to ignore me, I won’t say hello to you anymore.”
- Another example involves your reaction to being offended. Your boundaries will be expressed by saying “Stop calling me by that name. If you don’t stop, I’ll tell the teacher.”
Get the treatment you deserve
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Don’t accept being treated badly. Don’t feel guilty as you fight bad behavior and set your boundaries. You deserve respect and you decide that. When anyone treats you badly, talk to them and tell them how you want to be treated. [8] X Research Sources
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Keep your distance from the person. If someone continues to treat you badly, stop seeing them and end the relationship right away. This is a way of saying that you do not approve of their behavior and that you do not tolerate it.
- If they ask why you ended the relationship, simply say, “I did it to protect myself because you didn’t treat me the way you wanted to.”
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Let others know how you would like to be treated. The way you treat yourself also tells others how you want to be treated. Let your acquaintances, friends and family know the treatment you would like to receive by setting standards for yourself. [9] X Research Source
- For example, you shouldn’t belittle or say negative things about yourself in front of others. Walk and act confidently, with your head held high and your chest straight.
- You can also let others know how they should treat you by making a clear request (“I really need to talk to someone”) or by being supportive of being treated properly. (“Thank you for respecting my privacy”). [10] X Research Source
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Respect others. Use kindness and consideration as a model for the treatment you would like to receive from others. Speak in a pleasant and positive way when communicating with others instead of belittling or badmouthing. Respect others and they will respect you. [11] X Research Source
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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 9,487 times.
Have you ever wondered, “Why do other people treat me like this?”. If someone (stranger, friend, or loved one) treats you badly, you probably always want to know why. You will find the answer by observing their behavior and consulting others. The next step is to talk openly with the person about why they are treating you badly. Finally, learn to set healthy boundaries with people who don’t appreciate you.
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