How to See Yourself Like Others See You

Appreciate the value of reflection. We are actually biologically linked to mirror another person. Mirror neurons become agitated when we engage with others. This sometimes leads to mimicry of bodily expressions and allows us to experience the inner emotional state of others. ^[6] This is the biological basis for empathy. We understand the feelings of others by feeling them ourselves. ^[7] This is due to the connection we feel when we share our personal stories with each other. Empathy helps us develop compassion and establish relationships.

• The inner experience of mirroring is often automatic and out of control. This means it happens all the time whether you like it or not, and can influence behavior outside of you without you being aware of it.

Be aware of how reflection is affecting your behavior. As you get to know yourself better, you’ll realize how reflection affects posture, mannerisms, speech, emotions, and even breathing. This is generally fine, but in some cases you may find yourself applying other people’s negative emotions and experience emotions becoming intense as those around you become increasingly agitated. ^[8] If you find your thoughts or feelings about a particular person or issue suddenly become more negative after interacting with others, consider whether a change has taken place in those cases, or you may be taking on too much negativity from that person.

• While the inner experience of reflection is often automatic, you can still control outward manifestations. You can choose to react to the opposite of what is mirrored.

Ask a friend to watch you interact with others and note reflexive expressions that are exaggerated or forced. These important notes will help you and your friends become more aware of the specific behavior you’re looking to change. Then create some cues, like ear tugging, so your friends can alert you and make you more aware when you’re inappropriately mimicking. You can then proactively change your behavior.

• Identify when reflection is reinforcing specific responses or masking perceptions. Since reflection takes place largely out of awareness, changes in the manifestations of reflection inadvertently influence other people’s impressions of us. Those who fail to show the signs of reflectiveness may be seen as cold and emotionless, while those who reflect actively may be seen as overly vivacious, aggressive, or unstable. determined or uncomfortable. ^[9]
• If you find your impressions of yourself skewed because of incorrect reflection patterns, you will either have to accept other people’s descriptions of you, or consciously change your reflection patterns. Perhaps you need to be active to increase or decrease your imitation of others. You can practice increasing or decreasing imitation with close friends.

Reduce backlash patterns. Reflection can become a cycle for face-to-face interaction. When one person becomes agitated, so does the other. Then the interaction becomes increasingly intense, typically with increased volume, more pressing speech, more aggressive language, and more exaggerated hand gestures and facial expressions. If you easily get caught up in intense interactions, you should consider whether such interactions can express your true feelings. Whether others witness your strong feelings or run away to match the reflection. When you know your engagement is no longer showing true emotion, you can lower the tone of your conversation. The great thing about realizing a time when reflection represents lousy thoughts and feelings is this: you can then use the cyclical nature of reflection to change the way you interact. This is a method to control impressions and make sure others judge you correctly.

• If the discussion turns out to be more negative than you would like, you can start off with positive words. Smiling gently every now and then, will produce the same response behavior.
• Gradually lower the volume and speak softly to reduce the intensity of emotions.
• Laughing spreads humor to others to lighten the mood.

Engage in reactive listening as a listener to make sure your perception of the speaker is correct. Tell the speaker you want to listen with feedback to make sure you’re understanding them. This will create many opportunities for you to clarify and verify your perception with others.

• Your responses to others may be distorted because of some personal biases or projections. Sigmund Freud introduced projection as a defense mechanism and was later extended by Anna Freud. To avoid dealing with our own unacceptable or undesirable thoughts and feelings, we attribute them to others. ^[10] This then paints our impressions of other people’s behavior and shapes how we react to them. This also affects how others perceive you. To make sure you’re feeling the right way about others and responding appropriately, you should find ways to verify your perceptions.

Be honest with yourself. We deceive ourselves to protect our sense of self. We all possess qualities and display behaviors that we are not proud of. ^[11] Carl Jung calls this set of unpleasant qualities and unacceptable thoughts and feelings darkness . Attributing our darkness to others gives us relief from the guilt and shame we experience when we admit it ^[12] . Others will not intentionally ignore parts of your personality. So denying them will only limit your ability to see yourself as others see you. If others criticize jealousy, intolerance, or any other trait that most of you would rather deny, find out if you really possess them and accept it.

• If something about your personality makes you tired enough to choose to lie or hide it, you should take action to change it. You must first acknowledge the traits in order to change them.