How to deal with difficult mother-in-law

The difficult mother-in-law can be a real problem for a lot of brides. Your mother-in-law can interfere with the way you raise your children, make you uncomfortable at home, and sometimes even break your relationship. Usually, the most difficult mother-in-law is due to fear and insecurity, so try not to take it for granted and reason subjectively. To deal with a difficult mother-in-law, you should talk to your husband to find a solution together. Once you and your spouse have come to an agreement on how to deal with it, consistently show that you both take the problem seriously and deserve respect.

Table of Contents

Bonding with husband

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Talk to your husband to see if your mother has always been this difficult. If your mother-in-law is inherently critical, strict, or controversial, you just need to find ways to limit it and deal with it. If the new mom is being so difficult and only targets you, there could be some underlying cause that needs to be addressed. Talk to your husband to get to know your mother-in-law better. ^{[1] X Research Source}

If you’re nervous about bringing up the issue, you can say something like, “I want to talk to you about how my mom treats me, I don’t want to argue, I just want to discuss how we can work together. to solve this problem”.

Tip: You will have a better chance of success if you work through this problem with your husband. Your husband and mother-in-law will have many similar views and if you behave with your mother-in-law improperly, it is likely that the relationship between you and your husband will be broken.

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Ask your husband to side with you or talk to your mother if it’s all about you alone. The fact that the couple speaks together will make the mother-in-law realize that her behavior is not acceptable. If your husband is the first to speak up about this, it means that both of you realize that things are not right. Ask your husband to talk to his mother privately to see if you can find the root cause of the problem. If he doesn’t want to get in between you and your mother-in-law, ask him to at least defend you when she’s overdoing it. ^{[2] X Research Source}

Ask your husband about a private conversation between him and his mother, maybe from there you will find out the cause of the problem.
You could say to him, “I really think it would be easier for you to talk to your mom. If you talk to her first and find out why she’s treating me like this, it’ll be a lot easier for me to sit down and talk to her.”

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Agree with your husband on how to solve the problem. Do not rush to talk or argue with your mother-in-law without consulting your husband first. If you act or argue without agreeing with your husband, it will most likely upset him. To get the best chance of success, discuss with your husband whether you should fight, adjust, or avoid the issue together. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Even if you want to solve the problem by talking to your mother-in-law privately, you should still talk to your husband first. He will probably give you advice or a few tips on how to talk to your mother, and you should let him know in advance as his mother-in-law will probably talk to him after talking to you.

Dealing with an imposing mother-in-law

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Avoid solving problems by talking privately. The imposition of the mother-in-law often comes from the desire to take care of her children. If you bring up this issue when your husband is not there, your mother-in-law will automatically assume that you are betraying your husband’s trust and not thinking for them. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Your mother-in-law may also not trust your decisions, so talking to your mother-in-law alone can backfire and lead to arguments.

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Explain why you didn’t do what your mother-in-law asked. If your mother-in-law often makes a lot of requests, calmly explain why you don’t do so to avoid making her feel like you’re being deliberately irritated. If you ignore those requests, she will most likely act more stressed. By explaining, you’ll not only show that you’re willing to stand up for your point of view, but you’ll also be able to point out things your mother-in-law hasn’t thought of and get her to agree with you. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

For example, if your mother-in-law thinks you don’t appreciate your husband, calmly explain, “I always show my love to him in private, not in front of her. I don’t want to disrespect you when I show my love to him.”
If your mother-in-law keeps asking about when you’ll have her baby, you can say that you’ve considered it and want to take it slow so you can give your baby the best life possible. Say, “We’ll wait until we’ve saved enough money so we can give our grandson a good life and brightest future.”

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Discuss important issues when the mother-in-law is not present. If your mother-in-law often interferes with important decisions, wait until she’s away or go to another room to discuss these issues so she can’t interfere. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

“We can talk about this later” is a simple way to redirect conversations you don’t want to have in front of your mother-in-law.

Tip: Agree on a cue with your husband to let him know when you need to talk in private, which can be as simple as tugging on his ear or saying an innocuous phrase like “We need to go. Buy a few more sundries.” Doing so will not upset your mother-in-law because you know that you two want to talk privately without her presence.

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Show that you appreciate your husband in front of his mother-in-law. If you are often criticized by your mother-in-law, try to show respect and affection for your husband in her presence. Maybe your mother-in-law will be more comfortable feeling that she and you both have the same goal of making her son happy. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Saying something simple like, “Thank you for picking up the kids today. You are the most caring husband!” is a way for you to easily score points in front of your mother-in-law.
This is very useful if your mother-in-law is not satisfied with your loyalty and affection for her husband. Showing that you care about her son will put her at ease and make her less likely to interfere.

Dealing with an argumentative or critical mother-in-law

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Talk to your mother-in-law to find out the cause of the problem. You can invite your mother-in-law out for coffee or lunch and explain that you don’t want the mother-in-law relationship to be distant and that you respect her very much. Calmly let your mother-in-law know that you feel that she and you are arguing too much and do not know what to do to improve the situation. The answer may not be as expected, but you will have a better understanding of the cause of the problem. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

If your mother-in-law is completely in denial about arguing with you, chances are she’s not aware of her actions and isn’t intentionally criticizing you. If so, then you do not need to discuss further, but pay attention to whether the mother-in-law’s behavior changes after mentioning this issue or not.
If your mother-in-law just says she doesn’t like you and you won’t change that, show that you are a worthy partner for her son by avoiding arguments with your mother-in-law and accepting disagreements. point.

Advice: Maybe this problem is not because of you, but your mother-in-law is just angry at the fish because of a conflict with your father-in-law or an unfavorable job. If that’s the case, be willing to help if needed, your mother-in-law may no longer blame everything on you.

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Ask your husband to talk to his mother-in-law if she is not open. If you can’t bring up the issue without a war, ask your husband to talk to your mother. Ask him to help her calm down and open up because she may not feel comfortable talking to you about her problems. ^{[9] X Research Source}

If your mother-in-law’s way of talking is not constructive, don’t argue with her. Maybe she’s trying to pick a fight and this will become a bad habit if you let her get exactly what she wants.

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Stand up and fight when your mother-in-law openly criticizes you. If your mother-in-law criticizes you in front of your husband or children, boldly show that you won’t let her treat you unfairly. In a tone that’s both firm and respectful, point out that she’s misbehaving and focus on her behavior instead of the problem she’s criticizing. ^{[10] X Research Source}

For example, if your mother-in-law criticizes you, saying, “You really don’t know how to tidy up. How can you be so messy?”, reply, “Mom, I don’t know why you think I should humiliate me in front of my husband, but that’s unacceptable. Mom should stop.”
Say she can talk to you about it somewhere else at another time. You can say, “You and I can seriously talk about this in private, but right now I don’t want to sit here and argue with you while we have guests at home.”

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Know when to get up to show your mother-in-law is the cause of the problem. If your mother-in-law tries to argue with you in front of guests over silly or petty issues, let her speak and keep it short. She will show everyone that she is an angry person while you show yourself as a calm and composed person. This can also help calm your mother-in-law when she sees you not responding. ^{[11] X Research Source}

This is especially wise when your husband refuses to believe that your mother is a troublemaker.
When your mother-in-law says something like, “I didn’t expect you to not sign the kids up for summer camp, how could you be so indifferent to them?” you might respond with, “Mom. tell me you don’t care about the kids, can you be more specific?” and let her continue. Others will see you as a reasonable person, ready to listen to others’ suggestions, and your mother-in-law will be like a child who likes to reason.

Dealing with an old-fashioned mother-in-law

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Talk privately to determine the cause of the problem. You can invite your mother-in-law out for coffee or lunch and bring it up when you’re sitting together. Start by explaining that you’re not angry or sad, but just want to know why your mom is always so difficult. Maybe your mother-in-law has a reason, and discussing the problem cooperatively will make it easier to find a solution. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Let’s start the conversation by talking about you. You could say, “I want to sit down with you and talk about an issue that’s been making me really sad lately.” This shows that the problem is you, not your mother-in-law, and it will help you avoid the risk of an argument.

Advice: If your mother-in-law is prejudiced about your culture or religion, try to stay calm. Say, “I respect your beliefs and ideas a lot and I think you should respect me too.”

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Take criticism as advice and respond gently. If your mother-in-law criticizes your style or beliefs, take it as a suggestion, not a targeted criticism. The level of criticism will be somewhat reduced when you consider it simply a matter of opinion. This will also make the conversation between you and your mother-in-law less stressful. ^{[13] X Research Source}

“I think I will have to think about this more”, “Your point of view is really worth pondering” and “I know why you have that opinion, let me think about it more” are There are a few ways you can respond and stop arguing about something.

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Express your opinion and set boundaries when your mother-in-law is overdoing it. If your mother-in-law criticizes or comments on an issue related to religion, culture, political ideology or class, set boundaries and express your views clearly. The fact that you consistently show that you do not accept such opinions will cause your mother-in-law to confront and defend her ideas. If she doesn’t want to, which is usually the case, your mother-in-law won’t bring up such sensitive issues either. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Maintain an attitude that is both firm and respectful. For example, if your mother-in-law asks you to go to the temple, say, “I have no idea about your religious beliefs and you have no right to criticize my religion. I won’t accept you forcing me like that, so don’t mention it from now on.”

Solving parenting-related issues

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Ask for parenting advice even if you don’t intend to use it. Your mother-in-law has more or less experience in raising children, so she might overdo it if she feels disrespected because you ignore her or don’t need her advice. Consult your mother-in-law on how to teach your child to swim or teach your child before school age. Even if you don’t follow the advice of your mother-in-law, it will make her more comfortable thinking that her opinion matters. ^{[15] X Research Source}

Advice: Make some small concessions to your mother-in-law! If Grandma says it’s more expensive to drink ginger beer than tea when you have a runny nose, be patient and give the kids some ginger ale. This will make it easier to deal with when important decisions need to be made.

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Find a way to agree with the opinions of your mother-in-law, even if she is difficult. Ideas like, “You have to send your kids to an international school” can quickly be compromised with simple replies like, “My wife and I will consider this!” or “Education for children is very important, husband and wife will discuss more!”. When you make your mother-in-law’s opinion seem like it doesn’t matter, you reduce the risk of an argument. ^{[16] X Research Source}

If your mother-in-law says something you agree with, emphasize it. For example, when your grandmother compliments you, “You guys are growing up so fast,” you could simply reply, “Yes, you guys are really growing up!”

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Reduce requests when asking grandma to babysit. Your mother-in-law may feel overly directed if you give her a lengthy list of requests and instructions. Your mother-in-law did a good job raising your husband to be a good person, so try to trust her. You must be nervous about handing over your child to someone else at a very young age, but making too many demands on your child’s care will make your mother-in-law feel disrespected. ^{[17] X Research Source}

Advice

If all of the above doesn’t work and your mother-in-law’s problem has become out of control, you can try to move out of your own home so that your mother-in-law will not interfere in your life.
If your husband isn’t supportive and on your side, that’s a bigger problem that you both need to deal with. Consider looking to a marriage counselor to deal with this.
If you are always showing your face but are not satisfied with your mother-in-law, stop immediately. Maybe your mother-in-law really doesn’t understand and thinks the two of you are so close that it’s okay to be critical or rude.

Steps