How to Handle Frustration

Don’t think one-sidedly about disappointment. People have a natural tendency to view negative life events as the result of personal shortcomings. You think your co-workers don’t want to go out with you because you have some flaws. You think the magazine rejected your short story because you wrote it badly. In fact, there are many different factors that affect any given situation.

• Much of success comes from luck. There are only a few things that you can control in a given situation. Even if you do everything right, mistakes can happen. Blaming yourself limits your perception. When you find yourself personalizing frustration, remind yourself that you don’t know all the factors involved in this situation. It helps to talk to yourself or think to yourself, “I don’t know. I don’t know”. ^[7]
• For example, you may be disappointed that your cousin missed her last minute visit. Your first instinct might be to wonder if you did or said something that upset her. However, it should be understood that your cousin works 2 jobs about 322km from the city, she has a boyfriend, has a social life and is involved in the community. There are many factors that can prevent her from visiting you. If she doesn’t give a clear reason for the failure, you don’t know why it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to. Stop for a moment to consider all other relevant factors and remind yourself that this frustration is probably not directed at you personally.

Adjust the rules. People often establish some internal rules for themselves. For example, you might think about a list of criteria that must be met in order for you to feel fulfilled, happy, and successful. While it’s a good idea to get a feel for what you want out of life, sometimes the situation is not favorable and beyond your control. Immediately after disappointment, reassess the standards for yourself and see if they are realistic.

• What do you think you need to be happy? Do you need a job, a fulfilling social life, and a lover at the same time to feel fulfilled? In fact, it may not be necessary to control all of these factors. If you believe you need to live up to a certain standard in order to feel happy, you may react more sharply to disappointment. ^[8]
• People often set standards that they cannot control as a measure of happiness and fulfillment. For example, you might view having a boyfriend or girlfriend as a measure of personal success. However, emotions are difficult to control. You can’t force yourself to meet the right person. ^[9]
• Try to let go of some standards. Accept that you often live under ideal conditions. Try to create standards for personal happiness that you can control. For example, say, “I’m happy when I’m doing my best.” ^[10]

Consider your expectations. Consider the expectations you have for a given situation. You may set some unrealistic goals or standards for yourself or in certain situations. This can easily lead to frustration.

• Maybe you hold yourself to many very high standards. You hope to have your dream job by a certain age or have a healthy, active social life right after moving to a new city. Perhaps you also have unrealistic expectations. You feel your friends shouldn’t be late to a movie, even if it’s only for a few minutes. You think your partner should always spend weekend nights with you, even if he/she has plans with friends. Pause and consider whether your wishes for the situation are actually realistic. ^[11]
• Adjust expectations to deal with disappointment. Let’s say you’re frustrated that your friend was 5 minutes late to a movie due to a traffic jam. Let’s pause and consider the situation more objectively. In fact, we cannot control the actions of others. If you want to have an active social life, people will be late every now and then. Next time you see a movie, try to accept that being late is risky, but it doesn’t have to get in the way of having a good time. ^[12]

Try to be optimistic. If there’s been a particularly nasty disappointment, being optimistic can be challenging. However, it is important to try to be optimistic when faced with disappointing results. This can help you acknowledge failure is not the end, end it all, and allow you to move forward.

• Try to find new opportunities for the situation in question. You should also try to see it as a learning experience. What lessons can be learned from the experience? What can you improve for next time? Life is a process of progression, change and adaptation based on experience. Disappointment will eventually help you grow. ^[13]
• Remember, a bad moment doesn’t mean you have a bad life. You can increase your chances of making certain things get better by learning from the negative. For example, you were rejected for a job because of a specific lack of experience. You can see this as an opportunity to continue building your resume. Find volunteer work, freelance work, and start your own project, like developing a blog related to your niche. Maybe in three months you will get a better, higher paying job. While losing your first job is a disappointment, you would never have worked harder to improve yourself if that disappointment hadn’t happened.

Have a broader view. Self-reflection is essential for mental health. After experiencing disappointment, consider all that is happening around the incident. How have you grown and changed based on this experience? What have you learned from yourself? Try skipping a single moment. Instead, see it as one of a series of events that are shaping who you are.

• If you’re struggling to get a broader perspective, consider talking to a therapist. A qualified doctor can help you sort through your emotions and evaluate things in a healthy and productive way. ^[14]

Try another approach. Frustration is important because it can push you toward some productive change. If something doesn’t work out in your favor, see this disappointment as an opportunity to reevaluate your approach.

• While a variety of factors can influence success or failure, it’s important to acknowledge which factors you can control. This way, you can recreate your approach to success. For example, if you’re not selling at work, you may need to improve your communication and networking skills. Consider signing up for an online marketing class. If you’re struggling to make friends in a new city, this might be the time to open up more. Try to get involved in the community. Volunteering for an organization means something to you. ^[15]
• Remember to have a point of view on things. It’s important to know yourself enough to see your strengths in a situation. However, acknowledge what is beyond your control. You can strive to be better prepared for your next interview, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get the position.

Re-commit to the goal. See disappointment as a failure instead of a disaster. Take a few days to remind yourself of your goals and passions. This can strengthen commitment and overcome frustration.

• After all, what do you really want out of life? Write down your goals or say them out loud to yourself. Remind yourself why these things are important to you. How do they reflect your values and passions? ^[16]
• Disappointment is also worth it. If you’re feeling down, this is a reminder of how important your goals are to you. If the goal doesn’t mean much to you, you won’t be disappointed.