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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter Cplege in 2006 and works with clients to help transform their circumstances and lives.
There are 15 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 12,264 times.
Seeing the life of a friend or family member ruined by alcoholism is deeply distressing and infuriating. Often the person needs to be in a rehabilitation program to get help with alcoholism. If you need help, first you need to determine if the other person is really an alcoholic. Then help them find the right treatment.
Steps
Ask the other party to stop drinking
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Pay attention to signs of alcoholism. Someone with an “alcohol problem” may not have crossed the line into full alcoholism. Alcohol problems can be recognized and overcome by themselves, but alcoholism is an incurable disease. This requires outside intervention to control it. [1] X Source of research Alcoholics often have the following symptoms: [2] X Source of research
- Problems at work and school, such as being late or almost absent because of an unpleasant aftertaste after drinking heavily.
- Frequent loss of consciousness after drinking too much alcohol.
- Legal problems caused by drinking, such as being arrested for being drunk in public or driving while intoxicated.
- It is impossible to leave a half-full glass of wine or to always have alcohol with you even if you do not drink it.
- Create a schedule to drink and always get dizzy when drunk.
- Relationships have been damaged by alcohol.
- Craving for alcohol in the morning and experiencing the symptoms of addiction when not drinking alcohol.
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Practice what you are going to say. Once you’ve decided to talk to your partner about his/her drinking habits, practice exactly what you’re going to say. Be brief, detailed, and non-critical. This will prevent the other person from evading if you talk too long and prevent them from feeling as if you are offending them, causing them emotional pain.
- Try to memorize a few key sentences that are important to you. For example, you could say, “I love you and I’m worried you’re damaging your health with your weekend getaways. I’ll support you when you need help.” [3] X Research Sources
- It’s also helpful to have a group of trusted friends to help you chat with your crush. However, be careful that they don’t feel offended or hurt.
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Talk to your opponent. If you’ve spotted some signs of alcoholism, have a conversation with your partner and tell them you’re worried. [4] X Research Source Explain that their behavior is affecting others and that it is time to stop drinking for their own good and the good of the family. Tell them about the problem drinking is causing. [5] X Research Sources
- Choose a time to chat when the other person is not drinking. Speaking in the morning is often the best time. It’s also okay to confide when they are feeling nauseous, uncomfortable after drinking. Point out the fact that they are harming their body by making it tired day in and day out.
- Prepare to face denial. Alcoholics often deny that there is a problem with their drinking. He/she tends not to acknowledge the problem, or seriously consider it until they are ready . While you should continue to make an effort to point out facts and facts to your partner, be prepared to face the fact that it just doesn’t seem like the right time yet.
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Avoid arguing, criticizing, or nagging. When you talk to your partner about their drinking habits, don’t start by accusing or criticizing them. Avoid constantly nagging about drinking, as this risks making things worse. Arguing will make it harder for your partner to open up to you about why they drink. [6] X Research Source
- Beware that this risks personal attack or criticism directed at the individual. Part of alcoholics’ defense against fully acknowledging the negative consequences their behavior is causing is that often makes others the reason they drink. Therefore, usually any comment that there is a problem will be labeled the “problem” as the thing itself (like a job or a spouse), not the person itself.
- Try to listen honestly and reason logically. Of course, this is easier said than done. But it’s hard to get angry at someone who is agreeable, accepting, and honest. [7] X Research Sources
- You don’t have to accept blame or abuse. Healthy boundaries are important in dealing with alcoholics, as often this is lacking in someone dealing with a drinking problem. Even if there are multiple issues contributing to the drinking problem (e.g., emotional problems), ‘you’re really not causing the alcoholism’. Nor is it acceptable to act in a cruel, manipulative, irresponsible, or abusive manner.
- You have every right to leave or stay away from an alcoholic who acts in such a bad way.
- This is not about “becoming mean” or “abandoning” the other person. If alcoholics do not face that such behavior has negative consequences on their lives, they will be more likely to continue drinking.
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Try to understand the other side. When you’re having a conversation about drinking, make sure to find out if there’s a problem or event that’s stressing them out, leading them to turn to alcohol. You should also discover if the other party has a good support system. If they don’t, you might want to offer to create a group to help them. [8] X Research Sources
- The other person may not want to discuss the issue that led to the drinking or may deny that there is a problem. [9] X Research Source
- However, understanding that drinking fundamentally changes people, the point here is often that it is difficult to know what is the real person on the inside, and what is the person that drinking makes.
- Alcohol can cause irrational behavior, poor decision-making, and hazy thinking. This can continue until the alcoholic is not drinking for the time being. Asking an alcoholic “why did you do that?” may not yield a useful answer. The “answer” could simply be “because of alcoholism”.
- It’s okay if you still don’t get it. It is possible that you are not capable, and you are not in the best position to do so. Loving your partner a lot doesn’t mean you can adjust them. For example:
- A 14-year-old may not understand the world the way a 41-year-old does.
- A person who was not present in battle could not fully understand what it would be like to see his comrades die on the battlefield.
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Don’t try to force your partner to stop drinking. Alcoholism is a complex disease, and one of the difficulties is its paradoxical nature; “Forcing or trying to embarrass the other party to the right degree usually doesn’t work”. [10] X Research Source In fact, this can actually make them drink more.
- You need to understand that you can’t stop your partner from drinking. But you can offer and support the other person to seek help. [11] X Research Source
- However, this does not mean that you help them have alcohol, or forgive them for drinking.
Be supportive and encouraging
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Do not drink alcohol around the opponent. Drinking when there is an alcoholic around, whether you like it or not, the alcoholic has the argument “you can drink, why can’t I?” – It’s okay if you can control your drinking but they can’t. [12] X Research Source This could lead to unhealthy drinking habits in your own life. You can help your partner by meeting and spending time in places that don’t serve alcohol. This will make it easier for your partner to give up alcohol.
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Talk to other people. Ask people to stay as close to the other person as possible if they spot any disturbing behavior or if they think the other person has a problem. Avoid telling them that your partner is an alcoholic and be careful not to tell anyone you don’t need to know. Don’t risk destroying their privacy.
- If you think your partner is an alcoholic, it’s time to get someone else involved. The problem is so big that you cannot handle it on your own, and you must seek outside help to support the alcoholic as soon as possible. [13] X Research Source
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Talk to your opponent. Remind them that you’re worried, that you care about them, and want them to get help. Share your thoughts on what you’ve discovered and ask what you can do to help. Be prepared when the other person doesn’t want to ask for your help or avoids you for a while.
- If the person is open to receiving help, offer to take them to a specialist. Prepare a list of resources available to assist alcoholics. The list should include contact information for your local Alcohol Abuse Anonymous Association (Alcohpics Anonymous is an association that helps people quit drinking without having to give names), [14] X Source of research name of therapist and psychologists who specialize in helping alcoholics, and a list of educational corrections centers. [15] X Research Source
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Try to connect with an expert. If the alcoholic refuses treatment or even considers it, try to connect with a therapist. [16] X Research Resources Your therapist will have experience dealing with many different types of alcoholism, and will work with you to create a plan to help alcoholics.
- A good therapist will know how to handle defensiveness and many other behaviors that can frustrate or confuse family members.
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Stay motivated throughout the treatment. If the alcoholic does agree to receive treatment and take steps toward sobriety, make it clear that you support them and that this is the best thing the other person can do. Curb your partner’s feelings of guilt or shame by showing that you’re proud of them for agreeing to help.
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Prepare to assist in relapse. [17] X Research Sources If the other party has attended a re-education center and has completed treatment, they may be vulnerable to leaving. For most people, treatment never ends and alcoholism is something the partner has to constantly deal with. Family and friends of alcoholics should continue to support them, even when they relapse. Relapse happens to almost everyone who is addicted to alcohol.
- Find some non-alcohol activities to do together. As alcoholics make drinking an important part of their lives, they often find activities that don’t involve alcohol seem unnatural. Being a role model and good friend means rediscovering that one can still have fun, socialize, and relax without drinking.
- Encourage your partner to regularly attend meetings of the Alcohpics Anonymous (AA) and get counseling when needed. Let them know you’re there to talk to when they need it.
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Take care of yourself. [18] X Research Source Being a close friend or family member of an alcoholic can be exhausting and lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration. Alcoholism is often referred to as a “familial illness,” because its consequences go far beyond the life limits of the person with the alcohol problem. Spend time doing a variety of activities that make you feel good and boost your confidence and self-esteem during this time.
- Consider getting therapy. It helps to have someone to talk to about how you are feeling during this difficult emotional period.
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Spend time with friends and family members. You need to rest, temporarily avoid facing your partner’s drinking problem. While you focus on the well-being of your family member with alcoholism, spending time with the many other people in your life can help clear your mind of troubles and restore energy.
- Make sure you are dealing with a personal matter at this stage. Avoid focusing so much on your partner’s alcohol problem that you hurt other relationships in your life or build dependence on your own problems. [19] X Research Source
Advice
- If your friends aren’t willing to admit their problems, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Don’t think things are directed at you or feel responsible for their drinking.
- If your partner is part of your life in some way, then you are definitely being influenced by his drinking. Try going to an alcohol withdrawal meeting or at least find some literature on Alcohpics Anonymous. There are many helpful coping tips.
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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter Cplege in 2006 and works with clients to help transform their circumstances and lives.
There are 15 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 12,264 times.
Seeing the life of a friend or family member ruined by alcoholism is deeply distressing and infuriating. Often the person needs to be in a rehabilitation program to get help with alcoholism. If you need help, first you need to determine if the other person is really an alcoholic. Then help them find the right treatment.
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