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This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 36,055 times.
Helping an angry person calm down requires a lot of patience. When someone is feeling “bloody”, hearing the words “calm down” can make the situation worse. Being a good listener and distraction can be quite helpful. However, when the other person’s anger can easily explode or become unpredictable, you should stay away from the person instead of trying to use reason with them. If the angry person doesn’t accept your apology, it’s probably best to give them space and leave.
Steps
Maintain composure
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Avoid arguing. When someone’s mood is boiling, if you are similarly angry, the problem will only get worse. You should focus on maintaining your composure, or you could end up getting caught up in an argument. This doesn’t mean you need to act completely emotionless, but you should try to avoid letting your emotions run high.
- One way to maintain composure is to get rid of your ego and not take things personally. [1] X Research Source Knapp, H. (2007). Therapy in Communication: Developing Professional Skills. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publishers. It’s natural to respond to an angry person by defending yourself or your reputation, but it’s important to remember that you won’t be able to reason with an angry person until he or she isn’t. calm down. [2] X Research Source
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Try not to put yourself on the defensive. When someone is so angry that they can hardly speak in a normal tone, it’s easy to get caught up in negativity and defensive feelings. When dealing with angry people, you should understand that their anger is not your fault. [3] X Source of Research[4] X Source of Research Separate the person’s feelings from yours so you can help the person without feeling that their anger is affecting you.
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Live in the present. Angry people will often bring up past situations or conversations, especially if they are trying to draw you into their anger. [5] X Research Sources You should try to counter this by maintaining their focus on the immediate situation and problem solving in the present. Don’t let yourself feel angry about past events.
- If the conversation seems to be diverting to a past event, you can say something like, “We can talk about it later. I think for now, we should focus on what’s bothering you and find a solution to this problem. Let’s solve each problem one by one.”
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Stay calm and silent. If someone is shouting or wanting to vent, you can allow them to speak out to vent their anger, but it’s best to stay calm and quiet or not say anything at all. If you want to speak, use a gentle tone of voice. If you stay silent, try to keep your face calm and your body language open. You will feel more in control if you don’t react to the “bait” actions of the screaming person. [6] X Research Sources
- Allowing others to vent and fall victim to abusive behavior are two completely different things. If the person is berating you, calling you bad things, or taking out your anger on you, you should say something like, “I know you’re upset and I want to help you. But please don’t take your anger out on me.”
Lower the person’s anger
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Sorry if you’re wrong. If you’ve done something to make the other person angry, maybe what they need is an apology from the bottom of their heart. Apologies are not a sign of weakness. It shows that you care about your partner’s feelings. [7] X Research Sources Look back at the situation to find out if you did something wrong, and if so, apologize. Sometimes, this is all it takes for the person to be less angry about what happened.
- However, if you don’t feel that you were wrong, you don’t have to apologize just to appease the person.
- An effective apology might be, “I’m so sorry I used my retirement savings on a vacation home in Hawaii. I don’t know what I was thinking. I understand why you are angry. Let’s find a solution to the problem together.”
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Don’t ask the other person to “calm down”. Angry people are emotionally driven and often do not use the brain part of rational thought. Trying to reason with them or asking them to “keep calm” or “be more reasonable” will only add fuel to the fire and make the person feel like they’re not worth it. [8] X Research Sources
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Use appropriate listening techniques. When someone is in an “emotional flood,” they want the other person to understand this. You should honestly listen to the person’s feelings. Look them in the eye, nod at the right times, and ask questions to learn more. Talking and feeling heard will help calm the person down.
- Of course, sometimes angry people don’t want to be questioned, and they may feel so angry that they don’t believe that other people really understand their feelings. All you can do is do your best; If the person isn’t ready to confess, don’t force them.
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Acknowledge the person’s feelings. Any person will feel angry at some point. Sometimes, anger is really just a mask so they can hide other emotions, such as pain, shame, or sadness. Regardless of the cause of your anger, you should listen to them and respond by acknowledging their feelings (without necessarily agreeing with them). You also shouldn’t judge the person, as this could be seen as a lack of support through words or body language.
- An example of acknowledging someone else’s feelings is saying something like “it must be hard” or “I understand why you’re upset”.
- Sayings that aren’t really helpful include “Just let it go” or “I’ve been through the same thing and I got over it.”
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Express sympathy. [9] X Research Source Sympathy can take the form of understanding the other person’s point of view, feeling distressed by the person’s situation, and being able to relate oneself to that person’s feelings. [10] X Research Source Showing empathy for someone who is angry shows that you are listening to them and understanding what they are saying. [11] X Research Source Knapp, H. (2007). Therapy in Communication: Developing Professional Skills. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publishers.
- To be able to empathize with the person who is angry, you should try to explain the source of their anger. You might say, “So, you’re angry because you think you have to do all the housework by yourself, aren’t you?”
- You tend to say “I know how you’re feeling,” but you should understand that saying this can sometimes add to your anger. They often believe that no one can truly understand how they feel.
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Defuse the situation with humor. You will probably have to look at the situation or know the person fairly well to determine if this approach will work. Humor can effectively combat anger because it changes the chemistry of the body. [12] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to the source Telling a joke or mentioning something funny in a situation and making both of you laugh can defuse the situation and potentially calm the person angry.
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Give the person his or her own space. Some people like to talk, others like to be left alone to deal with their feelings. If talking about the problem only makes the person angrier, you should allow them space and time alone. [13] X Research Source Most people will usually need at least 20 minutes to calm down, but some people need more time. [14] X Research Source
- If you think someone needs some alone time, you can say, “I know you’re upset, but I can’t seem to make you happier. I think you need some alone time. I’m always by your side if you want to talk.”
Looking for a solution
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Find out if you can make things better. If the source of the anger is related to a solvable problem, you may be able to help the person. If they are calm enough to listen to reason, provide solutions and help them come up with a plan that can improve the situation. [15] X Research Sources Corey, G. (2013). Theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cpe.
- In many cases, you won’t be able to reason with the angry person this way. You should assess the situation and determine if you should wait until the person is calm enough to listen to active reasoning.
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Focus on the future. It’s important to focus on the present when dealing with anger, but you should also try to redirect the focus of the person and the future in the process of finding solutions. [16] X Research Source Corey, G. (2013). Theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cpe. This can help the person think more rationally and focus on the improved outcome of the situation instead of continuing to wallow in past or present anger.
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Help the person accept that they may not be able to find a solution. You don’t always find a solution to the problem that causes someone’s anger. In this case, it’s important to emphasize to the person that they need to get over their feelings and move on. [17] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
Know when to withdraw
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Remove yourself from the situation if you cannot maintain composure. If the person is trying to provoke or draw you into anger, get out of the situation if you can. When you get angry, you will only make the situation worse, so retreating when you feel angry can help you prevent further anger or controversy. [18] X Research Sources
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Recognize signs of abuse. Anger and violence are completely different. Anger is a common human emotion and needs to be addressed. Violence is an unhealthy interaction that can be dangerous to others. The following signs are indicative of abuse rather than anger: [19] X Research Source
- Physical threats (whether or not actual violence is committed)
- Makes you feel guilty
- Cursing or belittling you
- Sexual control or coercion [20] X Research Source
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Seek safety if things are getting violent. If you are dealing with someone who is having anger management problems and you are concerned for your safety, you should get out of the situation immediately and go to a safe place. Domestic violence is an ongoing cycle, and if it happened once, it will happen again. It’s important that you stay physically and mentally safe for yourself and your family. [21] X Source of Research[22] X Source of Research In Vietnam, the domestic violence hotline is 18001567. The following are signs to let you know that a situation is likely to turn violent:
- Are you afraid to make that person angry?
- The person mocks you, criticizes you, or humiliates you
- The person has a violent and unpredictable attitude
- The person blames you for their violent behavior
- The person threatens to harm you
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This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 36,055 times.
Helping an angry person calm down requires a lot of patience. When someone is feeling “bloody”, hearing the words “calm down” can make the situation worse. Being a good listener and distraction can be quite helpful. However, when the other person’s anger can easily explode or become unpredictable, you should stay away from the person instead of trying to use reason with them. If the angry person doesn’t accept your apology, it’s probably best to give them space and leave.
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