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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 50,001 times.
Children often feel that they are “held down” by their parents and are not free to live as they please. Sometimes it’s because the child just wants to push boundaries and grow up faster than the parents realize, sometimes it’s because the parent is trying to control the child’s life. There are many reasons why parents want to be in control of their children, from perfectionism to worrying about their children repeating mistakes, and often parents don’t realize that they are harming their children instead of protecting them.
Steps
Harder
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Identify controlling behaviors . Many parents are demanding of their children, but this does not necessarily mean that they like to be in control. Controlling people often use a number of tactics to manipulate others. Maybe it’s obvious actions or subtle tricks. Behaviors can range from outright criticism to implicit threats. Some signs that your parents are controlling are: [1] X Research Source
- Separate you from other family members and/or friends, such as never allowing you to see friends or other family members.
- Constantly criticizing you about trivial things like your looks, manners, or choices.
- Threatening to harm you or themselves, such as “If you don’t come home now, I will die for you!”
- Show conditional love or approval, such as “I only love you if you keep your room clean.”
- “Writing” your mistakes, such as listing mistakes you made in the past that made you feel bad or let you down.
- Use guilt to get you to do something like, “Mommy struggled for 18 hours to give birth and now you can’t spend a few hours with me?”
- Silently spying on you or not respecting your privacy, such as searching your room or reading text messages on your phone when you leave the room.
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Take responsibility for your actions. Even if your parents are controlling, you are still responsible for how you behave towards them. You accept to let your parents decide for you or resist. You can also make up your own mind about treating your parents with respect or letting anger flare up and escalate tensions. [2] X Research Source
- You can reflect on your actions by looking in the mirror and talking to yourself. Set out different possible scenarios and practice reacting to your parents in the way you choose. This will make it easier for you to be in control when the situation actually unfolds.
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Don’t be obsessed with the thought of having to please your parents. Your parents’ responsibility is to help you grow up to be a happy, healthy, and kind person. If there is something that brings you happiness but is not in your parents’ intentions, you must do it according to your will instead of pleasing your parents. Your life is up to you to decide. [3] X Research Sources
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Create a targeted action plan. Getting out of a controlled situation quickly is almost impossible. You need a wise and realistic plan of action to start making your own decisions. Start with something simple, like telling yourself every day that you are capable of building confidence. It’s best to take it one step at a time and gradually make more decisions for yourself. [4] X Research Sources
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Accept that you cannot make your parents change. Just as your parents cannot control your thoughts and feelings, you cannot change their thoughts or feelings. You can only adjust how you react, and sometimes this will help your parents change the way they treat you. Whether or not your parents change their personalities and when is up to them. [5] X Research Sources
- Your forcing your parents to change is like your parents trying to control you. If you understand this well, you will accept that your parents can make their own decisions about this.
To improve the situation
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Separation from parents. People often use emotions to control others. This can take the form of anger, rebuttal, or guilt. If you want to get out of the grip of a controlling person (a parent or another person), you may have to distance yourself from them, such as seeing or calling them less often.
- If you still live at home (especially when you’re young) it won’t be easy for you to distance yourself from your parents. However, you can still establish boundaries between you and your parents. Seek advice from a school counselor or teacher.
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Try not to be hostile. Avoiding your parents can make them resentful and angry. When your parents complain that you don’t spend time with them or accuse you of not taking care of them, don’t be stubborn. [6] X Research Source
- Try saying something like, “I’m sorry for making you angry. I understand how frustrating this is for parents.”
- Remember that things may get worse before the situation improves. However, it is important that you maintain your distance and avoid getting caught up in threats. For example, if your mother threatened to commit suicide if you don’t come to her house, say you will call the police, then hang up and do just that. Don’t rush to your mother’s house or give in to her demands.
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Cut financial ties with parents. Money is another tool that parents often use to control their children. If you are able to earn your own money, stop receiving sponsorship from your parents. This can be difficult, but you need to pay the bills yourself, pay for your purchases and do the financial calculations yourself. This not only makes you more responsible, but it also helps to loosen your parents’ grip. [7] X Research Sources
- This method can be difficult for young people, but if you take small steps, it is not necessarily impossible. Even if you can’t afford the rent and amenities, try to earn money for your pastimes. It’s unlikely your parents will agree, but if you go to the movies with your own money, it also eliminates a tool that control parents can use.
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Try not to beg your parents. When you beg your parents, you also put your parents in a bargaining position. If you wanted your parents to respond to your request, you had to do something in return. This isn’t inherently bad, but it can quickly make you give up your agency and empower your parents. Ask a friend or other family member if you need help. [8] X Research Sources
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Identify abusive behavior. If you are a child and are being abused, call child protection or talk to someone in charge at your school such as a teacher or counselor. Violence can come in many forms, so if you’re not sure if you’re being abused, talk to your school counselor. Some forms of violence include:
- Physical abuse, including actions such as slapping, punching, imprisoning, burns or injures you in various ways.
- Emotional abuse, including cursing, insults, blaming, and unreasonable demands.
- Sexual abuse, including inappropriate cuddling or touching, intercourse, and other sexual acts.
Heal the relationship
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Bring back the past . You will not be able to mend a relationship if you keep holding on to anger. Therefore, it is helpful to forgive parents for the mistakes they have made. Maybe you should also forgive yourself for the way you reacted to your parents’ mistakes.
- Don’t forget that you forgive not only for the sake of the other person but also for your own sense of relief. [9] X Research Source Forgiving your parents also means that you are choosing to vent your resentment without saying that what they said or did to you was right. [10] X Research Source
- To forgive someone, you will have to actively choose to let go of all your anger. One way to do this is to write a letter to your parents, which you will not send. In your letter, be honest about how you feel about what happened, why you are angry, and why you think your parents did it. [11] X Research Sources Finally, end your letter with something like, “I’m not happy about what happened, but I’ll shake off the anger in my heart. I forgive my parents.” You can also say this out loud to yourself.
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Speak clearly to your parents with respect. You need to talk to your parents about how you feel and why you are keeping your distance from them. How can your parents deal with it if they don’t know there’s a problem? Don’t blame or show disrespect. Talk to your parents about how you feel instead of complaining about what they did.
- Instead of saying, “I’m taking away my human rights,” you can say something more constructive like, “I feel like I can’t make my own decisions.”
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Set clear boundaries for you and your parents. As you begin to improve your relationship, you need to avoid falling back into the old ways. Determine in advance what decisions your parents can and cannot interfere with. Likewise, boundaries also include what decisions you can participate in or what you can ask your parents. [12] X Research Source
- For example, do you consult your parents for important career decisions, such as which university to go to, or whether or not to accept a certain job offer. On the other hand, you probably won’t let your parents get involved in your personal decisions, such as who you date, marry, or not marry.
- You can also refuse to participate in issues raised by your parents, like romantic problems. However, perhaps you will decide to be there to help when your parents have serious health problems, such as cancer or heart disease.
Maintain boundaries
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Respect boundaries in your relationship with your parents. Once boundaries have been established, you must respect them. You can’t expect your parents to respect your space if you don’t treat them the same way. If you find it difficult to stick to your boundaries, talk openly to find solutions. [13] X Research Source
- When a problem arises in your relationship with your parents, constructive words can be helpful. [14] X Research Source Try saying “I respect your boundaries, but I feel like you don’t always respect mine. So, can we find a way to keep both sides together?”
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Deal when your parents interfere with your own choices. If your parents cross the line, you must let them know. But that doesn’t mean you allow yourself to get angry or resentful. Calmly and politely tell your parents that they’ve crossed the line and should stop. If they really respect you, your parents will give you the space back. [15] X Research Source
- Humor can also be an effective way to deal with controlling parents. [16] X Research Source For example, if your parents are constantly nagging about your career decision, try jokingly, “Attention, attention: I’m not satisfied with my career. Understood. Anything else?”
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Pause if the problem persists. If things start to go back to “just the way they were,” you may have to cut back on your time with your parents again. However, you don’t have to cut all ties with your parents. Often, parents and children who are too close to each other can accidentally cross the boundaries that the two sides have established. Cut down on your time with your parents and try again later. [17] X Research Source
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Consider seeing a therapist if things don’t improve. In some cases, the problem can become so severe that you and your parents need to see a counselor to see if the problem can be improved. If both parties have tried to maintain boundaries and it’s still not working, talk to your parents about seeing a therapist.
- You could try saying, “Mom and dad are important to me, but I think I need help to make the relationship between you and me better. Would you like to come with me to see a counselor?”
Advice
- Talk to a close friend or family member about your problems. Hope they can help you.
- Try talking to your parents before separating from them. The problem can be solved in a more pleasant way.
- Find a time when your parents are comfortable. Don’t try to approach when your parents come home from work. Try saying, “Dad, I know you work hard for me, and I’m grateful to you, but I want to be able to make my own decisions. I feel like a baby when my parents decide everything. Can you let me decide for myself?” You should also be prepared that either of you will disagree.
Warning
- If you are being abused and need urgent help, call your local child protection agency.
- Don’t assume every parent’s advice is “control.” Often parents want the best for their children, and they actually have more life experience than you.
X
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 50,001 times.
Children often feel that they are “held down” by their parents and are not free to live as they please. Sometimes it’s because the child just wants to push boundaries and grow up faster than the parents realize, sometimes it’s because the parent is trying to control the child’s life. There are many reasons why parents want to be in control of their children, from perfectionism to worrying about their children repeating mistakes, and often parents don’t realize that they are harming their children instead of protecting them.
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