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This article was co-written by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
This article has been viewed 9,903 times.
The armed forces have the duty to protect the country and be ready to enlist at any time. This can be quite difficult when you are in a relationship. The years apart will test the stability of your relationship. It certainly won’t be easy, but there are ways to help you get through it. Get ready before enlistment and nurture expectations. Communicate with that person as much as you can while they’re away. Try to keep yourself busy, and look for ways to control your emotions in the absence of your partner.
Steps
Set up a plan
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Start talking about military plans. Before you enlist, both of you should sit down and make a plan. You need to talk about how the two of you manage your time, find support, and cope during your military service. [1] X Research Source
- The two of you need to help each other plan how to manage. For someone about to enlist, this means focusing on the mission, seeking help from teammates or senior officers, and managing stress while away. For stayers, this means finding support at home, staying busy, and managing stress or anxiety when communication is limited.
- Try to find opportunities to talk as honestly and openly as possible. The two of you need to feel free to express your feelings, good or bad, about the impending separation. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal when separated for long periods of time. [2] X Research Source
- Set aside some private time to talk to each other. Make time to socialize with each other at home. If you have kids, it’s a good idea to hire a babysitter for the night so you and your partner can talk.
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Define an emergency plan. In an emergency situation, you need to have an action plan. How will the two of you contact each other? Who do you need to call at home when you need help dealing with an emergency? These are the questions you need to answer before you enlist. [3] X Research Sources
- If you’re a stay-at-home person, you should know the fastest way to contact that person. You also need to be prepared with information about someone you should call, like a friend or relative, who can help you through an emergency when your loved one is away.
- If you are a soldier, you need to know how to contact your spouse in the event of an unfortunate event. Let him or her know how you will support remotely when something goes wrong at home.
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Talk about when and how often you communicate. Establishing a foundation in communication is very important during the enlistment process. The two of you need to have a plan in place for when and how often you will both communicate. [4] X Research Sources
- You can choose from many ways to communicate during the army. You won’t be able to use your phone often, but email, instant messaging, video calling, or regular mailing are all options you might consider.
- If possible, spend one day a week trying to talk to each other over the phone or by video chat. If your military schedule is stable, you’ll know when you can use your computer or phone. You can schedule a phone call or video chat with your partner at a specific time during these days.
- You should also discuss what to do when you can’t communicate with each other. There will be times when you won’t be able to use your phone or computer while you’re in the army. You should discuss what to do during this process. For example, you can agree to mail the letter if necessary.
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Identify the support system of both. Make sure you and your partner have emotional support throughout your enlistment. It’s also a good idea to help each other set up a support system before enlisting. [5] X Research Sources
- For the soldier, the support system may include other soldiers or members of the army. You can also chat with someone you can communicate with remotely. In addition to the person you love, you should establish attachments with friends or relatives. You will have to rely on these people for support during your military service.
- If you’re the one staying behind, you and your partner need to figure out who you can rely on. Chat with your loved ones and friends while they are away. You may find that your friend’s friends and family will also be a source of support when you have to enlist.
Communicating during enlistment
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Identify your partner’s love language. It would be difficult to provide remote help. Identifying your partner’s love language will help you learn the best way to help him/her feel secure. People’s love language is the way to make them feel most supported and cared for. People respond best to different types of help and comfort. [6] X Research Sources
- Some people prefer affirmative words to feel loved. Sayings like “I miss you” and “I love you” will be quite helpful. If the person seems to take words very seriously, you can write letters and emails expressing your interest in them.
- For others, actions are more important than words. They feel supported when their partner shows care through thoughtful gestures or gift giving. If your partner likes action, you can send them parcels (including food, money, or other valuables), send a picture message, or periodically send gifts.
- Unfortunately, sometimes the language of love is difficult to express from a distance. Many people enjoy physical contact and quality time together for a sense of security. This will make it difficult to enlist in the army. However, you can try to help by telling your partner how much you miss their hug, and how you wish they could be with you to watch TV on a rainy night.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist
Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist
Marriage and family therapist
Strengthen bonds in difficult circumstances. Elvina Lui, marriage and family counselor, explains: “In reality, many long-distance relationships work well if one person is in a stressful and isolated situation like in the military . hardships will help both strengthen their feelings for each other.In my observation, the separation of a couple due to one of them being enlisted in the army is fine until they return, because the time in the army really forced them. must support and love each other.”
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Send parcels, if possible. If you have the ability to send a parcel to that person, do it. This is a great gesture to help them feel secure. [7] X Research Sources
- Send more pictures, snacks, and sentimental items. Be creative. If the person has a sense of humor, you can send a funny card or message.
- You can also give a “free service coupon” when the person comes home. Something like “Free one back massage” or “Free luxury dinner”. This will give them something to look forward to when they get home.
- Remember to check military regulations before sending parcels. During the enlistment period, certain items may be prohibited.
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Avoid misunderstandings in messages. During the military service, both of you will likely communicate via email and text many times. When there are no verbal cues to help the person understand the other person’s feelings, misunderstandings can occur. It is easy to misread a message, and interpret innocuous words as anger. Try to find a way to make sure your partner can understand you well when you can’t talk face-to-face. [8] X Research Sources
- Pause a moment before sending an email or text. Re-read your words and think about how they might be misunderstood. Can you feel the anger in this message? Confused? Jealous? If so, you should find out if there’s a way to rephrase or add emojis to clearly show that this is just a friendly message. For example, “I couldn’t sleep without you last night” could be misinterpreted as resentment such as “I’m really disappointed that you’re not here”. Instead, you could write something like, “I miss you and love you so much that I couldn’t sleep last night without you by my side. <3”
- For your part, you should remember that you can never be 100% certain of the intentions of the person when communicating in writing. If you get a text that sounds like your partner is angry or upset, remind yourself that misunderstandings are common in these situations. You should take the time to calm down, then politely text to clarify if needed. For example, “I also miss sleeping next to you. I want to make sure of one thing, because I know it’s easy to misread an email, you’re not angry that I have to leave right? I just want to know. : )”
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Inform each other about what happened during the day. Hearing about each other’s daily lives will help you and your partner feel closer. You should share what happens every day when you get the chance, even the most silly or mundane thing. You can share about a time you went to the supermarket or someone you met at the gym. This will help the person feel as if they are always there for you. [9] X Research Source
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Find creative ways to provide remote support. Email, phone, and texting are pretty good ways to stay in touch. However, you should also try to be a little more creative. Your loved one will feel more valued if you think about funny, unique ways to communicate during your enlistment. [10] X Research Source
- Create a scrapbook for the person when they return, detailing what happened in the person’s absence. Scan the pictures in the notebook and send them to the one you love.
- Email a song or movie clip that makes sense to both of you.
- Use scent to remind. Scent is strongly linked to memories, so send your partner a small bottle of the shampoo you’re using to help them remember you.
- Read the same book together from a distance. This will help the two of you feel close, and provide both of you with topics to discuss when your partner returns.
Stay busy
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Write diary. Journaling is a great way to process your thoughts while your loved one is far away. You can also keep a diary when you are in the army. Write in a journal a few times a week, jotting down your feelings and thoughts related to your partner’s absence. When the two of you are reunited, you can share some of the most heartfelt parts of your diary with your partner. [11] X Research Source
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Explore your own interests. While distance can be difficult, at times, it will give you the opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. When the person you love is far away, you should take this opportunity to explore your own interests and passions. You can join a book club. Sign up for a cooking class. Pursue a new hobby like jogging or knitting. Try to take advantage of all the time you have alone to get to know yourself and your interests better. [12] X Research Source
- If you have to enlist, it will be difficult for you to keep yourself busy. The particularly dynamic enlistment process will make you completely dedicated to it. However, there are also relatively free times. Although taking a cooking class is tough in the military, you can find other independent activities to pursue. For example, you can read books and write. Try to explore an area that interests you by reading books about it in your spare time while away.
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Look for support systems. During a separation, both of you need to find a healthy support system. It’s human nature to be social, and even if that person is far away, you should find someone you can turn to when you need them. [13] X Research Source
- If you are a soldier, don’t hesitate to get close to your teammates. You should openly share your struggles and stress with them and talk about how you nurture your relationship.
- If you are a stay-at-home person, you can reach out to friends and family. You can also find your partner’s friends and family. Spending time with people close to you will help you feel closer to them.
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Take things for granted. It’s important to see things as they really are when the person is far away. You need to have friends and family members available to you to talk to when you feel frustrated or scared in the person’s absence. If you know someone who also has a lover in the military, they can help you see things as they really are. Although this period will be difficult, remember that it will not last forever. Try to remember that it’s only temporary, and your feelings will be stronger when your partner returns. [14] X Research Source
- If you are a soldier, maybe some of your teammates also have lovers waiting for them at home. Try to talk to them about how you’re feeling, and get their advice on how to cope. There are probably many people who have been in the army many times, and they will give you advice on how to look at things.
Emotional control
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Solve your problem. Distance can create feelings of insecurity in a relationship. If you’ve ever had problems with insecurity or trust, distance will only make this feeling worse. You should try to find ways to deal with your insecurities. [15] X Research Source
- Share your insecurities with your partner and others. While you shouldn’t be reprimanding when talking to your partner, you can express your insecurities. Reassurances from that person will be of great help to you.
- Examine your own problems with trust and insecurity. They may stem from your previous relationship. Understand that, while it’s normal to worry when your partner is away, feeling excessively insecure can be completely unfounded.
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Accept that personal growth happens when you’re apart. When you and your partner are reunited, the two will become a little different. The two of you haven’t shared a long time together, and you both may have become more independent in the process. Try to accept that when that person returns, your relationship will be different than before. This is not necessarily bad. Although both have changed, it may be for a better reason. The two of you will feel more secure in your relationship when you find it still going strong regardless of distance. [16] X Research Source
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Set realistic expectations for the communication process. Sometimes, communication will be quite difficult. You need to understand this fact. Sometimes you won’t hear from the person for a few weeks. During this process, you should reach out to someone who can care and help you. [17] X Research Source
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Seek professional help, if needed. Long distances can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Insecurity is a natural feeling, but if you think your stress is getting too much, you should see a therapist. A therapist will help you work through your insecurities and find better ways to cope with the gap. You can search for a therapist by asking your hospital for a referral or by researching the coverage of the insurance you are using. If you’re in school, you’ll probably get access to a free counseling program in your university.
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This article was co-written by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
This article has been viewed 9,903 times.
The armed forces have the duty to protect the country and be ready to enlist at any time. This can be quite difficult when you are in a relationship. The years apart will test the stability of your relationship. It certainly won’t be easy, but there are ways to help you get through it. Get ready before enlistment and nurture expectations. Communicate with that person as much as you can while they’re away. Try to keep yourself busy, and look for ways to control your emotions in the absence of your partner.
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