How to Take Control of Your Emotions

Identify your true feelings. Learning to recognize and name emotions can help you control your emotions when feeling out of balance. Take a deep breath, and then force yourself to look directly at the emotion that is present, even when it feels painful. Next, you ask yourself what the cause of this emotion is, and if it is masking something else you are afraid to face. ^[8]

• For example, ask yourself what makes you nervous about the test. The answer may be that it greatly affects your future, or that you feel you must do well to impress your family. The root cause is probably the fear that affection from your family will depend on your success.
• Naming emotions is probably a skill you haven’t learned yet. Fortunately, you can use exercises from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help you learn how to label emotions. Here’s a fun exercise to try: https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/What_Skills.pdf
• Remember that there is no such thing as a “wrong” emotion. Asking yourself not to feel something will hurt yourself more deeply. Instead, you should pay attention to your feelings without judgment. Accept your feelings as natural and allow yourself to feel them.
• Think of your emotion as a character holding that emotion, and then bring the emotion back to the cause of it.
• Identifying and naming the real emotions underlying the emotional upheaval helps you control them. Now that you can identify the cause of the emotion, you know it’s just a feeling and it can’t control you.

Allow yourself to experience that emotion. Suppressing or ignoring an emotion will not make it go away. Emotions will still boil over and reappear, so it’s important to let yourself feel them. However, you don’t have to regurgitate your emotions. Instead, set aside a certain amount of time, about 15-30 minutes, to face your feelings.

• For example, you might call a friend to vent or write down your thoughts in a journal.
• If you’re feeling unhappy, spend some time alone crying.
• If you feel anger, stress, or jealousy in your body, you can work to release that emotion. Go for a walk or do some yoga.

Think about what you can do to solve the problem. Sometimes you feel emotionally out of control because you can’t figure out how to control the situation around you. This condition can lead to “rumining,” getting caught up in a vicious cycle where you obsess over negative thoughts or feelings in an unhealthy, often vague, way. Break this habit by focusing on the aspects of the problem that you can deal with. ^[9]

• Instead of replaying the problem at work thinking, “Why am I so bad at work?”, make a list of things you can fix. Try talking to your boss about how to improve your productivity, get help from someone more experienced, or try other stress management methods.
• Learn to accept the things that your powers cannot change. Letting go of the idea that you need to “adjust” or “control” every aspect of things is one way to free yourself from stress and emotional upheaval. ^[10]

Find the best way to move forward. When you’re ready to act, you need to make sure it’s a conscious choice, not a reaction to another conflicting emotion. Think about how and why you want to solve the problem. What values does this response represent for you? Is such action appropriate?

• Think about your moral principles. How do you want this to turn out? Which decision would you be most proud of? Next, try asking yourself what actions will produce the results you want.
• For example, when someone insults you, will you do nothing, react angrily, or forcefully ask them to stop? Ask yourself how you want to stop this and how to get there without compromising your beliefs.

Learn to recognize your own and others’ defenses. Defensiveness not only leads to a loss of emotional control, but also leads others to think that you are too sensitive. You will be defensive when you feel stressed, angry, or attacked. However, it’s important to listen to the opinions of others, especially when it’s constructive, not personal. You can deal with defensiveness by reducing your fear of things and keeping curious about what other people think. Here are a few signs of defensiveness: ^[11]

• Refuse to listen to negative feedback
• Make excuses for your failure
• Blame someone else
• Crossing your arms in front of your chest makes others dare not speak up
• Smile or nod to stop the other person talking
• List reasons to prove you are right without listening to others
• Ignore other people’s feedback
• Criticize or criticize others to distract from self-criticism.

Mentally prepare to deal with emotional triggers. Those triggers can be activities, people, places, things, or events that continually cause a certain emotion to arise. Once you understand those triggers, you can plan and prepare yourself mentally.

• For example, you often get angry every time you see your sister. Before the family gathering, you should find a way to relax, plan to not have too much contact with her throughout the day. You can plan to do something with another relative, or make an excuse to go somewhere and leave the table. Limit your contact time with her and find ways to leave the meeting earlier, if necessary.

Do nothing when someone is trying to upset you. If you know someone bothering you to get angry, take a deep breath and stay calm. Speak calmly and don’t allow them to keep bothering you. When you stay calm, the person will get angry and stop their actions. ^[12]

• When you’re ready to speak up, you’ll first calmly tell them about your feelings. You can say, “I get annoyed when I feel like you’re just trying to make me lose my temper.”
• Next, talk about what’s going on and encourage them to talk about it, then listen and respond to them. For example, you could say, “Let’s discuss this together, to try to finish the project on time. What do you think about this?”

Relax when you are angry or upset. When you are angry, you may grind your teeth and become tense. Taking deep breaths and relaxing your muscles is a simple and effective way to calm the boiling sensation so you don’t do things you’ll regret. ^[13]

Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. If you find yourself reacting strongly in the usual way, stop it. Take a moment to think about what happens when you do the opposite of the usual response. How will the results change? If the results turn out to be positive or effective, use this new method instead of the old one.

• For example, you may feel annoyed when your spouse often doesn’t wash the dishes. Instead of starting an argument, you’ll start washing the dishes and politely ask your spouse for help.
• If this sounds difficult, try starting with one small change at a time. Instead of raising your voice to your spouse, talk to them about your feelings in a calm voice. If this is still too difficult, you can choose to leave the situation and relax for 5 minutes. Over time, you will also change your response in a positive way. ^[14]

Walk away from the situation that makes you feel negative. Sometimes the best response is to leave and avoid triggers. If a situation can easily recur and not hurt anyone, do what you can to separate yourself from the situation and your negative emotions. ^[15]

• For example, when assigned to a department with people who are not focused, you will be uncomfortable sitting in meetings with them. One way to deal with anger is to ask to be transferred to another department.

Express your feelings directly and confidently. Learning how to be frank helps you express and manage your emotions while making a difference in an undesirable situation. It’s okay to speak your mind or say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable or doesn’t have time to participate, as long as you express it clearly and tactfully. ^[16]

• For example, if a friend invites you to a party, you might say, “Thanks for thinking of me! But I don’t like crowds, so I had to miss this party. Can we meet for coffee next week?” This allows you to express your feelings instead of keeping them to yourself and letting your emotions control you.

Use sentences with the pronoun “I” to state your point without blaming others. This way of communicating helps you express your feelings without blaming or belittling the other person. Before saying a sentence that implies blame or judgment, you should stop and organize the sentence into a personal comment or opinion. ^[17]

• For example, instead of saying “I don’t care about you at all,” you could say, “I feel hurt when you don’t call me as promised. What happened?”

Encourage others to share their views. There is no situation where there is only one point of view. Encouraging others to share their thoughts can help you understand their point of view and create an equal conversation. Active listening is a way to calm you down, take control of the situation, and put you in a state of being receptive to other people’s ideas.

• For example, after you share your opinion, ask additional questions: “What are your thoughts on this idea?”

Avoid using judgmental language like “should” and “must”. Sentences like these give off a sense of blame that can lead to resentment and anger that is out of your control. When you find yourself using “should,” “must,” or other words or sentences that express expectations, stop and remember that no one and nothing is perfect. Challenge yourself by appreciating imperfections and accepting things the way they are. ^[18]

• For example, instead of thinking, “Lovers shouldn’t hurt my feelings,” you can remind yourself that they didn’t mean it and that both of you can make mistakes.
• If you are hard on yourself, be kind and empathetic towards yourself. For example, if you are thinking, “I should have studied this part carefully for the test. I’m going to fail”, change it to “I studied hard and prepared as thoroughly as possible. No matter what happens, I’ll be fine.”

Exercise regularly to relax and relieve stress. Exercising, especially a light and repetitive form like swimming, walking or jogging can help calm your mind and senses. You can also try yoga or Pilates, which focuses on calming the mind through gentle stretching exercises and breathing techniques. ^[19]

Stimulate other senses in new ways to relax the body. Focus on the beauty and peace of the world around you to build a daily self-care routine. Focusing on gratitude and your senses can help calm you down when you feel stressed or out of control. Try a few different methods like: ^[20]

• Listen to relaxing music.
• Petting a dog or cat. Besides focusing on the senses, research shows that frequent contact with pets can reduce depression. ^[21]
• Take a walk in a quiet place and focus on the beauty of your surroundings.
• Take a bath or shower with warm water. Body warmth is relaxing and soothing for most people. ^[22]
• Eat your favorite food and pay attention to the taste.

Tap to self-soothe. People need loving touches to feel better. ^[23] Positive touches cause your body to release oxytocin, a hormone that improves mood, relieves stress, and helps you feel more connected to others. When feeling unsettled, you can apply the following methods: ^[24]

• Place your hand on your chest. Feel the beating of your heart, the rise and fall of your chest, and the warmth of your skin. Say positive words to yourself like, “I deserve to be loved” or “I am nice.”
• Embrace yourself. Wrap your arms in front of your chest and place your hands on the tops of your arms, then hug yourself. Say something positive like “I love myself.”
• Place your hands on your cheeks as you would a friend with a child or lover and stroke your face with your fingers. Say a few kind words to yourself like, “I’m beautiful. I’m kind.”

Practice meditation. Meditation is a great way to relieve anxiety and depression, as well as improve your ability to cope with stress. Regular mindfulness meditation also helps you regulate your emotions. You can take a meditation class, use an online guided meditation app, or teach yourself how to meditate. ^[25]

• Sit with your back straight in a quiet, comfortable place. Take a deep breath and focus on an element of your breath, like the sound or rise in your chest as you inhale. ^[26]
• Extend your focus to the rest of your body. Notice what your other senses are sensing as well. Try not to judge or focus too much on one feeling.
• Accept each thought and feeling as it comes and identify it without judgment by saying to yourself, “I have a thought that my nose is itching.” If you feel your focus is distracted, focus your attention on the breath.

Speak to yourself to reassure yourself. The guiding principle of mindfulness is accepting the experience of reality without resistance or judgment. This is easier said than done, but you will find that as you practice mindfulness, your brain will begin to form new “habits”. When you’re in a difficult situation, say reassuring things like: ^[27]

• I don’t always feel this way, this feeling will pass.
• My thoughts and feelings are not true
• I don’t have to act on emotions.
• I’m fine in this moment, even if it’s uncomfortable.
• Emotions come and go, I was able to get over this in the past.

Face the cause of your emotional upheaval so you can work through it. If you often experience loss of emotional control, try digging deeper into past events to find the cause. When you know the reason for your emotional upheaval, you can easily find ways to accept and heal. ^[28]

• Think about how your family has handled conflicts in the past. Did your parents express or hide their feelings? Are there any feelings that are not accepted? Which emotion made you feel most uncomfortable and how did your family handle it? ^[29]
• You can also think about a turning point in your life, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one, or a major change like moving house or losing a job. How did you feel and how did you react?

Challenge beliefs and habits based on fear or blindness. Identifying the cause of emotional upheaval gives you the strength to face and overcome the beliefs that cause it. Observe the situation and objectively identify negative beliefs, such as fear or feelings of unworthiness. What caused the negative emotions? What can you do to face and overcome it?

• For example, feeling like you’re not good enough is seen as a “disclaimer” mindset: if someone says good things about you, it doesn’t matter, but if someone says bad things about you, you think. “knew it”. Challenge this by noticing all the good things you do in life.
• The emotional upheaval caused by fear can be understood as a tendency to draw conclusions: you make negative judgments even when there is no fact to back it up. Challenge this thinking by pausing before each action and finding evidence to support your conclusions.
• No matter what complex negative emotions you recognize, you can challenge most of them by asking yourself what the unbiased truth is and showing empathy for yourself.

Start journaling to practice self-reflection. Writing down your feelings can help you learn to identify your emotions. In addition, this will help you identify emotional triggers, and you will also know what is and is not helpful in dealing with emotions. ^[30]

• Use journaling to identify emotions, address things that make you feel bad, show empathy for yourself, think about the causes of some emotional reactions, take responsibility, and manage emotions your.
• Ask questions when journaling, such as: How am I feeling? Did I think about something that provoked this reaction? What should I do when I feel this way? Was I like this before?

Turn negative thoughts into positive ones. Learning how to be more positive in your perspective takes time and effort, but it is a way to help you become more flexible when faced with unclear or unpleasant emotions and experiences. At the end of the day, write down 1 or 2 positive things that happened, even if it was just a good song you heard on the radio or a funny joke. ^[31]

• Practice replacing strong affirmations with more flexible connotations. For example, when you are stressed during an exam, you will assume that there is no use in studying because you will fail the exam.
• Instead of assuming you can’t improve, change your mindset to, “I’ll create more review sheets and join a study group. I may not get a perfect score, but I know I did my best.” Seeing things as something that can be changed with a little effort will increase your chances of success.