How To Cope When Others Take It Down

Review your communication. You are not responsible for the behavior of others, and you should not blame yourself when others become cruel and unkind. However, you can control your own actions. When you feel that other people are not respecting or ignoring you, you can influence their response through the process of changing the way you communicate and act. The following attitudes and behaviors may encourage others to treat you unfairly: ^[16]

• You always agree to anything that person (or any other person) asks of you, even if their request is inappropriate or quite inconvenient for you.
• You don’t want to refuse or ask the person to reconsider their request because you’re afraid they won’t like you or will criticize you.
• You don’t express your true feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.
• You express thoughts, needs, or feelings in an overly defensive or defensive manner (e.g., “If you don’t mind you could…” or “This is just my opinion, But…”).
• You think other people’s feelings, needs, and thoughts are more important than your own.
• You put yourself down in front of others (and you often do this with yourself).
• You think other people will only love or like you if you do what they want.

Examine your own beliefs. Psychologists have identified a set of “irrational beliefs” that can make you hurt and displeased when you keep them to yourself. They often make you demand more from yourself than from others. They can also be expressed through affirmative sentences involving the word “must”. Think about whether you experience any of the following: ^[17]

• You believe that it is essential to be loved and approved by everyone in your life.
• If other people don’t see you, you will see yourself as a “loser”, “worthless”, “useless” or “stupid”.
• You frequently use affirmations related to the word “must”, such as “I need to do everything that others ask” or “I need to always try to please others”.

Acknowledge erroneous thoughts. In addition to possessing irrational beliefs, such as that you always feel that you need to do everything others ask of you, you will also think about yourself in a distorted way. To be able to deal with feelings of being overlooked, you must confront irrational and inappropriate thinking about yourself and others. ^[18]

• For example, you may believe that you are responsible for other people’s feelings (“the illusion of internal control”). This is a common cause of feeling slighted: you fear saying “no” will hurt the other person’s feelings, so you always say “yes” every time they ask for something. . However, you will not be helping yourself or others if you are not honest with your own limits. ^[19] Saying “no” can be quite healthy and helpful.
• “Personalization” is a popular variation. When you personalize things, you’re making yourself the cause of something you’re not really responsible for. For example, imagine that your friend asks you to babysit for her so she can go to a job interview, but you have to go to an important event that you can’t change. change plans at that time. Personalizing this situation will make your friend feel guilty about the situation your friend is in, even though you are not entirely responsible for it. If you say “yes” even when you need to say “no,” it can leave you feeling unsatisfied, because you didn’t respect your own needs.
• “Exacerbation” happens when you allow your own view of the situation to get out of your control and shift toward the worst possible scenario. For example, maybe you feel slighted because you figure that if you speak up in front of your boss, you’ll get fired and you’ll end up living in a box. One thing is for sure, this situation will not happen!
• One of the beliefs that keeps you from failing and getting caught up in a cycle of feeling slighted is that you don’t deserve something different. Believing that others will alienate you if you go against them can make you cling to people who don’t contribute to your happiness or your growth. ^[20]

Think about what you want. You know that you don’t want to be taken lightly. But what do you really want? It can be difficult to see a change in your situation if you feel unhappy but don’t know what you can do to improve it. You should make a list of the things that you want to change in your relationship. Once you are clear about the ideal interaction you want, you will be able to act in a better way to achieve this.

• For example, if you feel slighted because your children only call you when they need money, think about how the interaction you would like it to happen. Do you want your children to call you every week? When they have a really good day? Do you want to give them money when they ask you? Do you want to give them money because you’re worried they won’t call if you don’t? You need to consider your own boundaries in order to present them to others.

Respect yourself. Only you can set boundaries for yourself and stick to it. You may feel unappreciated because you don’t communicate your own needs and feelings clearly, or it may be because you interact with someone who is manipulative. Sadly, there are quite a few people who are willing to manipulate others whenever possible just to achieve their own ends. ^[21] Even if someone else’s treatment of you stems from ignorance or manipulation, you shouldn’t think that the situation will automatically get better. You need to take action.

Challenge yourself to interpret the interaction with others. You may feel slighted because you allow yourself to draw conclusions about the progression of the interaction too quickly. For example, you may believe that the other person will feel hurt or angry with you if you answer “no”. Or you can assume that when people forget to do something for you, it means they don’t care about you. You should slow down and think more logically about each situation.

• For example, you often give your lover a gift to show your love for that person, but that person doesn’t give you a gift. You feel unappreciated because you have formed an association between that person’s love and a particular act. However, your lover may still care about you but not through the specific action you are waiting for. ^[22] Talking to your partner can help you resolve misunderstandings.
• You can also observe how other people handle someone’s request. For example, if you feel like your boss is taking you lightly because he/she gives you extra work to do on the weekend, you can chat with your co-worker. How do they handle this request? Did they experience the negativity you were expecting that you would receive? Maybe it’s because you don’t stand up for yourself that you have tons of work to do.

Learn how to be assertive . Communicating assertively doesn’t mean you’re arrogant or cruel. It means that you clearly express your needs, feelings, and thoughts to others. If they don’t know your needs and feelings well, they may take you lightly even if they don’t mean to. Research has shown that you can express negative emotions without hurting others if you do so in an assertive rather than aggressive manner. ^[23]

• Communicate your needs openly and honestly. Use affirmative words starting with the subject “I”, such as “I want…” or “I don’t like…” ^[24]
• Don’t be overly apologetic or condescending. You can absolutely say no. You don’t have to feel like you’re the one to blame because you turned down an offer you thought you wouldn’t be able to help.

Feel free to face problems. Many people will try to stay away from conflict at all costs. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid of offending others. This is probably due to cultural values (for example, people in collectivist cultures would not view conflict avoidance in a negative way). ^[25] When your desire to stay away from negativity causes you to give up on your own needs and feelings, this is becoming a real problem. ^[26]

• Being open about your needs can lead to some conflict, but it doesn’t always turn out in a negative way. Research has shown that when conflict is effectively handled, it can foster the development of several skills such as compromise, negotiation, and cooperation. ^[27]
• Practicing assertiveness can help you deal with conflict better. Communicating assertively is associated with increased self-esteem. ^[28] Believing that your own feelings and needs are as important as other people’s will allow you to deal with conflict without making you feel that you need to defend or attack them.

Seek help. It can be difficult to fight your own helplessness and guilt. Once the pattern is established, it won’t be easy to break it, especially if you have to deal with someone who is more powerful than you and who makes you feel like you have to submit to them all the time. You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself – these behaviors are conceived as a coping mechanism, a way to protect yourself from harm and intimidation. The problem is that now they’re turning into lousy coping mechanisms that keep you failing. Trying to solve problems can help you feel happier and more secure.

• Many people are able to make their own decisions to solve problems, perhaps with the help of friends or good mentors. Others feel that seeing a therapist or counselor is more effective. You can do whatever works best for you.

Start with the little things. Talking about your needs and standing up for yourself won’t be an action you can take overnight. You may want to practice standing up for yourself in a low-risk situation before facing someone of higher status or importance than you (for example, your boss or spouse). ). ^[29]

• For example, if a coworker asks you to buy coffee for her/him every time you go to Starbucks but never says they’ll pay, you could remind him/her of the cost of the cup. coffee when they turn to you next time. You don’t have to be abusive or aggressive; instead, you can say something friendly but clear such as “Do you want to give me money to pay for your coffee or do you want me to pay you this time and you will treat me next time?”.

Be frank. If you feel that you are being looked down upon by someone else, you should talk to that person directly. However, you shouldn’t just show up and say, “You’ve taken me lightly.” Attacks and statements that start with the word “you” are the end of communication and can make a bad situation worse. ^[30] Instead, you can use simple, factual statements to explain your discomfort.

• Keep calm. You may feel resentment, anger, or frustration, but you need to control your emotions. Although you are feeling the presence of countless negative emotions inside, focus on forming a calm attitude and letting the other person know that you are not losing control or attacking, but you are real. desire to solve problems.
• Use language that begins with the subject “I”. It’s easy to come up with statements like “you make me miserable” or “you’re a jerk,” but these will only put the other person on the defensive. Instead, explain how things work for you, and begin your sentences with phrases such as “I feel”, “I want”, “I need”, “I will”. and “From now on, I’ll do this”. ^[31]
• If you’re worried that forcing yourself to stick to a certain boundary might make you look like you don’t want to help others, you can elaborate on your situation. For example, if your coworker asks you for help, you could say something like, “Usually I would like to help you with that project, but my son has to perform tonight and I don’t want to. miss this.” You can show others that you care about them without having to give in to their requests. ^[32]
• Hostile or manipulative behavior should not be encouraged by accepting it as a positive. “Ignoring the insults” when someone abuses you will only encourage them to continue the behavior. Instead, express your displeasure at the behavior. ^[33]

Provide solutions to other people’s problems. Others may not realize that they are taking you lightly. In many cases, when you raise a problem with them, they will want to correct the mistake, but they may not know how to proceed. Provide a way for them to work through the problem so that both of you can feel more positive about the relationship.

• For example, if you feel like you’re being overlooked because no one is seeing your contribution to a team project, you could explain how your boss can remedy the situation. image. You could say something like “My name was not mentioned in that project. I feel like everything that I do is not appreciated by others. In the future, I would like you to name every member of the group.”
• Another example: if you feel that your partner is taking your love lightly because he/she is not expressing his/her feelings clearly, you can provide a few options: can help you feel that you are valued. You could say something like, “I know you don’t like flowers and chocolates, but I’d love for you to express your feelings for me every now and then in a way that makes you feel most comfortable. Even a simple text of the day can make him feel appreciated.”

Empathy when interacting with others. You don’t have to fight to protect yourself, and you don’t have to pretend that you’re a jerk who doesn’t care so much that you can say “no” to everyone. Showing others that you care about their feelings can help ease the tension in a dilemma and make them more willing to listen to your concerns. ^[34]

• For example, if your partner is always forcing you to do the dishes and do the laundry, you could start with an empathetic statement: “ I know you care about me , but I always have to. As the person washing dishes and washing clothes, I feel more like a maid than your wife. I want you to help me with these tasks. We can take turns or do it together.”

Practice what you want to say. It can be helpful to practice in advance about what you want to say to your partner. Write about the situation or behavior that upset you and describe the change you would like to see. ^[35] You don’t have to memorize it verbatim; whose goal is that you become comfortable with what you want to say so that you can communicate clearly with the person. ^[36]

• For example, imagine that you have a friend who often makes plans with you to do something and that person always cancels plans at the last minute. You begin to feel that you are being overlooked because you do not see your friend respecting the time you have spent with him/her. You might say something like this: ^[37] “Mind, I want to talk to you about something that makes me feel uncomfortable. We often make plans to hang out together and you’re often the one to cancel at the last minute. I feel very frustrated because I can’t come up with new plans in such a short amount of time. I feel like you’re looking down on my time because I always agree to hang out with you every time you suggest it. Sometimes, I wonder if you cancel because you don’t want to see me. The next time we plan to do something together, I want you to put it on your planner so you don’t run into someone else’s appointment again. If you really want to cancel the appointment, I want you to call me a few minutes in advance.”
• Another example: “Mai, I want to talk to you about babysitting. A few days ago you asked me if I could babysit your son next week, and I said yes. I agreed because I cherish our friendship and I want you to know that I am there when you need it. However, I have had to babysit for you quite a few times this month, and I am starting to feel that you always come to me when you need someone to babysit for you. I would prefer that you ask a few other people to help you rather than always looking to me.”

Use assertive body language. It’s important to make sure your words and behavior match up so you don’t send the wrong signal. If you want to decline a request or reinforce a boundary, using assertive body language can help the other person understand that you’re serious. ^[38]

• Stand up straight and maintain eye contact. Face the person you are talking to.
• Speak in a clear and polite voice. You don’t have to shout so others can hear you.
• Don’t giggle, squirm, or make a bad face. While these actions can help “smooth the situation” when you turn down an offer, they can make the other person think you’re joking and not serious about it. ^[39]